Crazy Fool's Newsround - 25th - 31st March 2011 volume 425

25th - 31st March 2011 volume 425
March, 30th 2011 20:22 PM

“or even on the end of a skewer”

(Stranglers) nothing like a bit home grown grain on your video

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lad – The One With Pat

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 31.3.11

For Elements of 3 Regiment; Army Air Corps

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

Bob Dylan - Saigon – 10^th April – www.saigonsoundsystem.com

For PETA’s sake

In the wane of Supermoon’s finest hour the predicted extreme weather has been awash with peculiarities.

Along with the un-seasonal rain in South East Asia, which hasn’t dampened fool’s Kitchen, to immoderate tides in Southampton that washed up over 100 world war II bombs in its receding wake; it’s been reported soap-sudded showers fell on two semi clad women in the streets of LA causing motor-mayhem.

Protests by PETA, an organisation geared to muster awareness for an adopted vegan lifestyle, staged a demonstration on a busy intersection that attracted hundreds of onlookers; CBS news captured one driver in a car so engrossed that it piled straight into the back of a pick-up.

PETA’s beef is that it claims to eat 1lb less meat saves 6 months worth of showers. London held similar actions instead two buxom fillies shared a bubble bath, of which the ratio clocks in at 50 per pound.

The American Meat Association denied frivolous water usage stating they are consistently looking for ways to cut costs,

‘Sometimes when people do these sorts of carbon footprint analysis, the obvious answer is the opposite of what they thought it was.’

Yikes, naked cows protesting next then!

Break on through to the other side

Mathew Lowe got caught in a machine at work and ended up being squeezed through a hole the size of a cd box.

Trapped on a conveyor belt he was forced through a flap 125mm x 125mm, which broke his back, ruptured his stomach and bowel, shattered his pelvis, fractured both hips and right arm and several ribs. His head turned purple and his eyes electric red.

Matt knew it was coming and explained, ‘The machine crushed my body, ripped my clothes to shreds and spat me out. I was still alive but had no idea how.’

After being pinned back together he chimed, ‘I can’t count the amount of metal that’s inside me.’ – Just what Toni Basil said about Metal Mickey!

… But not like Drew Beaumier who has literally made himself into a Transformer, with working wheels on his arms and legs and body on his back which he can fold up and drive.

He was stuck for money, working a few bar jobs, ‘and then it hit me’ he said – ‘make a Transformer costume and go and entertain all the tourists.’

What’s the outcome? ‘Chicks find it sexy’ he concluded

Who said romance was dead?

Bizarre couple Bob and Lizzie Gibbons from aptly named Madley in Herefordshire have 240 life size dolls adorning their semi.

‘A lot of owners use them for sex, but I’ve never been interested in them that way.’ Said Bob

‘It’s a hobby we share. We just enjoy dressing them up.’ Lizzie backed up

Just a filling

But then there aint nowt as queer as folk, take Alex Holdo and her boyfriend Ross Neil who like nothing better than to recreate the covers of Mills and Boon romance novels in their home studio.

‘Sometimes we just sit for hours staring at a sea shell.’ ‘Other times he’ll hold me by the neck in front of the pyramids. But there’s nothing we like more than nearly kissing each other near some horses.’

Putting a spanner in the works

Thailand’s X-Factor contestant, 27 year old Natita Khumpiramion sang a beautiful love ballad in front of a panel made up from actors Niruit Sirijanya, Pornchita Songhia and TV producer Pinyo Ruthuri who all praised her for doing so well.

When they found out Nantita’s real name was Dave and he was a plumber from Bridlington, Songkhia said, ‘He’s beautiful isn’t he.’

Help!

Argh, where to go now; Fat Ho Burgers; a restaurant in America whose owner categorically denies it’s about big ho’s; ‘It’s not calling people a ho. It’s just like they say, ‘Ooh, that ho is big’ or, ‘that ho is tight’?

But I have no idea what she’s talking about so perhaps we should mention the waitress from Southampton who has a phobia about ketchup, which unbelievably has a name – lycopersicoa?

But that’s going nowhere so we’ll just stick with the naked lady who climbed down a cliff in California and got stuck.

The 27-year-old was heading 450ft down to Black’s Beach in San Diego when she realised she could go neither up nor down. The rescue team finally reached her using a series of pulleys, whilst dozens of lifeguards stood by in the hour long operation.

and just because this is a naff story how about a picture of Hitler!

(Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Ten Years After played a gig naked once, but they were on last week’s show so can’t use them again, and all I want to do is some how get this tune in with a banal link and I’ve only got one minute left to think of one, but can’t so sod it here it is anyway… a bridge too far…’

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said: ‘Great links fool’ – Joe McAlistair

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I feel good tonight. There’s nothing like a cold bath – full of hot water’

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen

Presents

Mmm… yummy

In association with

And back by popular demand

Screaming Hypocrites

Plus; great raffle prizes to be won courtesy of:

Lunch for two in their café Two golf rounds at Laguna Golf Club

1 free tour plus discount for 1 The Westin Siray Bay Resort & Spa

And of course fool’s Hamper!

- All proceeds to…

Japan fund – via Bangkok Phuket Hospital

plus there’s plenty of grub from

Patisserie from

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

but now…

A quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news

*A stolen ostrich found its way home to owner Floria Diaconescua in Romania. Floria said, ‘I had given her up as gone forever. But I saw this cloud of dust heading towards the farm and she came running into the yard as fast as her legs would carry her.’ – Which is roughly 40mph, whereas an Emu does 31mph

*12 year-old skier Olly Frisk escaped death by a brown bear, whose lair he accidentally skied into by playing dead. ‘I accepted death. The feeling was let it come.’ The bear got browned off and walked away.

*Alice, the black and white Springer spaniel is deaf and lives with her three deaf masters and can read sign language; she can sit and roll over, but then so could that Beatles character Beethoven. Meanwhile Li Zonguen from Wuhun, China keeps 140 stray dogs at his home and it costs 5000 Yuen to feed the buggers, luckily neighbours donate… not sure what, but they donate! But fool does know the sheep/dog type thing that was supposed to be born to a sheep but had the features of a dog was in fact a dog that just got lost. There, that clears that up.

*Great White’s are off the British coast again; this time a porpoise was washed up at Great Yarmouth with a 9inch bite out of its bum. ‘Undoubtedly a shark bite’ said the national Oceanographic (Richard Dreyfus). Meanwhile in Nelson Bay, Australia, a girl had her arm bitten off whilst wake boarding at Jimmy’s Beach. One of the rescue helicopter crew said, ‘She came off the wakeboard and as the boat came round, the shark grabbed hold of her face.’ ‘It’s got her a second time on the left upper arm and its pretty much taken her arm off.” – I’m sorry, ‘pretty much taken her arm off’.

*Not into wakeboarding? Try horse boarding. British stuntman Daniel Fowler-Prime started the craze while messing about with a skateboard, a bit of rope and horse at his farm. The national championships are next month on a 100m course.

Number crunching

*Fat boy progress on 3-year-old Lu Hao: 9st 6lb – 5 times heavier than your average 3-year-old – was born under weight at 5.7lb. Eats three huge bowls of ribs and rice a day and causes a fight if he doesn’t get it. fool blames the parents – he hasn’t fed his kid in days so it is possible.

*Jack Heathcote has a 4,800 gallon fish tank in his cellar. He built the 13x7ft tank himself at £5k. It takes 6 hours to fill and he says it’s taken over his life but he’s happy.

*A Chinese learner driver tried to bribe her instructor with 500 quid in Manchester. Then after attacking him in the street for not taking, what she described as lucky money she fled. Meanwhile, one lady in Britain has failed her test 90 times… no, that can’t be right surely – but it in fool’s so it must be.

I’m off – come on Pig

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

Just cf it

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s – two in the can waiting to be uploaded – another recorded this week – knock yourself out! … still waiting!!!

p.p.s. sport is back – and a mild PotDQT with slight Fras showers will return shortly!

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

fool's got no reason to play this 'part from the fact India just beat Pakistan in the semi's and fool's old mucker Alex is in India and his chick's name is Claire, so that's good enough...