That was the week weren't it; The European leg:

The scene: Woody Allen is disguised as a squirrel up a tree in Knutsford, Surrey UK where he is caught under the throes of the eternally notorious and bloodthirsty squirrel catcher Jerry Lee Lewis. Just as Jerry is about to deliver the final blow to the tree hugging vermin he catches a compassionate eye. Fool, meanwhile, is disguised as a nut.

Jerry: That's it squirrel, your nuts...err secrets out.

Woody: How did you know it was me? I am at two with nature!

Jerry: Yes, but as a poet once said, 'only God can make a tree' - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to put the bark on. ("I recognise that' thinks Woody) And, you can't fool me (somewhere a nut sniggers, "I'm so small, I'm so small"). (J. eyes the tree quizzically) You can't fool me, because I know under that paltry fury disguise is the big cheese for surrealistic on/off screen of utter discourse for sham-villainous affairs. Goodness gracious I should know, my balls have been set on fire before.

Woody: Didn't I say that?

Jerry: Yes, you did, and this, that you placed your wife under a pedestal (Oi, I resemble that. Echoes a far off Chinese stepdaughters voice)

Woody:  This is nuts...

fool: You keep me running round and round well that's alright with me Up and down, I'm up the wall, I'm up the bloody tree?

Woody: Not now fool, I'm being harassed, harangued, shammed by a sham, a sham of a sham at that...I'm just trying to live a quiet life but now I am but a shell of a man, tis why I gather more empty shells to fill with hope.

fool: Tried oysters...the pearl of the sea? (Returns to singing) I'm so tall I'm so tall, you raise me then you let me fall...

Woody: Shut up fool. Do I look like I want oysters at a time like this, besides I don't like oysters, I like my food dead, not sick, not wounded. Dead. Hey, that's one of my lines too, (He suddenly realises) said by me this time instead of that substitute rock n roll star who only married his cousin. I feel revamped, refreshed, rejuvenated...now fool...

fool: I'm so small I'm so small, wrap me around your finger, see me fall, I say...

Narrator: And there was me thinking there was no substitute for shite. Roll the quiz:

1.  In what year were substitutes allowed in rugby union internationals?

2.  The macadamia is native to where?

3.  Who were the Fuggers?

4.  Alphabetically what is the last of the Chinese Zodiac signs?

5.  What language do the words kiosk, tulip and caviare come from?

6.  What is the capital of Haiti?

7.  If you are crapulous what are you full of?

8. All life is based on one element. Which one? A) Oxygen B) Carbon C) Radium

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page - or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com  if you think you want to send in this weeks answers. (it's same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? As in the opening piffle of tosh and nonsense I am at a real loss as to what's going on here too. Should never take more than one slice of R&R, but hey ho, let's go with it and ride forth on the back of the Main Comp, but first here's Clue No.1 from a couple of weeks ago: "I am the king of the swingers inspiration." - which still has nothing to do with the opening gambit(s)! Clue No.2: "In a way I could have been sleeping in the authors back garden!"

The Big Comp's prizes have been won (if not yet received!), but you can still be in it for the Main Comp - check the *comps and results page for last weeks answers.

Scores at the end of week 27 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in - confused? Good.

For those never tasted the delights of a scotch egg...mon Dieu mon petit sausages!:

Dracule: 14 (1,1)

Legal Eagle: 10 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 4 (1 or 1, 1 not sure!)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: There are no others...

Quote for the week:

Marge, I'm going to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbours. I'm coming back loaded

Homer Simpson

*Non-descript trivia moment*

WORDS WITH ALL THE VOWELS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER

Abstemious . Abstentious . Arsenious . Caesious . Facetious . Fracedinous

fool's Gold

• The most impossible item to flush down a toilet is a ping-pong ball

• Nobody apart from the British royal family has appeared on the stamps of more countries than Elvis

• Three quarters of the world's population wash from top to bottom in the shower

Dr. Phil Ology's word of the week:

This weeks word is "FRENULUM"
The word frenulum on its own is often used for the"elastic band" of tissue under the penis that connects to the prepuce or foreskin to the vernal mucosa, and helps contract the prepuce over the glans. In English slang; it is better known as a "banjo string"....I feel the theme to "Deliverance" coming on.

Squeal Doc squeal...

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

People who's indecision is final. (argh, the oldies are the oldies eh) And skinny people who couldn't be fat if they tried - daft bastards. BASTARDS

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors...

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. - What's news on the sand-pits mate? - By all accounts the prototype is looking good.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD:  Got any Four n twenty pies?

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Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye - look out for their superb long-lunch deals - they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam - is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds - something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what's on in cfn this week? - Remember, there's a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; back this week with all the latest AFL news. Got your ticket for the Saigon Saints 10^th annual Grand Final bash yet? - What's that? One of the Daniher bro's coming to town? - Go the Sainters!

*Trigger: and has he got some tips for you? Yes. The fool likes race 5 in Sydney

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in... yep, definitely September!

*Tit-bits - .../...Meaning of life.../...Q. What are.../...

*Grub-Up - * New- New - new* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters - it's the proverbial's (are those oysters dead?)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment - try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ  ♫...will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman - Read all the Fishman's tails in On The Pond, May ‘08' - new one out NOW folks - something to do with an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver - it's all happening on the island. - Something new coming soon on the Rainbow Warrior - me thinks!

And *Bongo Massif Bro's - take it away, and one, two, a one, two, three, five...

Mr. Meaner...  we could'a been a...

Now; the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk et all; but please, if you're not keen do move on:

There were times when we only got a handful of live games in winter and an hour of Rugby Special on Sunday evenings. Now, in it's country of origin, you get sod all on the box unless you've got satellite - I've got it in my car, but it keeps telling me to turn left!

Nonetheless top quality rugby is out there almost every week these days and none more so than Australia's bounce back to the world stage with their poached pioneer's guidance of self believing rugby.

Australia simply beat the All Black's 34-19 at Sydney's AMZ Stadium with effective self belief rugby, but more importantly a pack. In other words they beat them with simple rugby.

Yep, the pack that has been the laughing stock of the civilised game for a more than a couple of years, especially the front row, can hold their heads up high.

They were dominant in the set, the loose and the breakdowns - when have you ever seen 25 Black balls pinched before...Max, Max. nein, nein, ya, ya!

Ok, wrong sport, so back to the rugby and what the Wallabies did do so well was score some points then keep a strangle hold of their game through defensive pressure.

Henry may be criticised for keeping to his stubborn old git style for his rotational policy but it was Deans who steered his ship to a collective effort and game plan.

The Git in this case was at the helm with probing kicks that kept the Blacks at bay. But for their attacking wont the Blacks ran back everything and seemed to take it in their stride, with almost relish, this is of course their bread and butter.

However game plans are there for a reason and when Nonu ran one out he got absolutely pummelled. Then when New Zealand slotted one down Lote's throat in return, he ran and duly shrugged off three tackles, offloaded to Sharpe who offloaded to the Git who found Cross open wide for the opening try.

Mind you, game plan or not, you have to stick with it for a while, even when full backs like Mils Muliani, who had a cracking game, are counter-attacking from their 22's making arching runs and kicking and collecting for a great individual tries.

That was pretty much the same style for the Wallabies second try, as from a sustained Kiwi attack, suddenly the Git broke free fed Adam Ashley-Cooper who went on a blinding run, hacked it ahead for Hynes to win the chase. End to end stuff so far.

Sivivatu, Ellis and Mils should have been rewarded for a nice move bar the stoic defence from Smith and Elsom. However, the Blacks did have the bit between their teeth and from a quick tap penalty the Siv broke a tackle and found none other than hooker Andrew Hore outside him on the wing, who instinctively stepped inside for a fine try.

At half time the Blacks seemed to hold a commanding grip and almost immediately the man marvel Dan Carter bounce the Git and slipped between him and Barnes, whom both incidentally tackled their hearts out all day, then popped to Ellis who went over for a close range score.

Australia kept their resolve, didn't panic, defended like men possessed and from nowhere Elsom was away on a gallop with Adam in support for a score that'll prove his spot for some time yet.

Then the game came riddled with 'incidents'; Hynes was lucky not to get penalised for tackling Sivivatu for what should have been a try. And an the Ellis, Cowan, Ellis substitution that halted the game for minutes will be talked about for years.

That and all the usual hour mark substitions totally disrupted the All Blacks and completely put pay to momentum. Sione Lauaki dropped everything, which quickly rubbed off to his team mates.

Brit journo Stephen Jones said, "Once Australia had learned how to slow them down in the second half, the visitors had absolutely nowhere to go and their incoherence in some parts of the second half was an embarrassment." - That's Madness!

The Git dropped a goal (Aussies drop goals and a decent front row - smells like their northern cousins!!!) Then Horwill finished the Blacks off with a close range score.

Mils and Dan Carter can gladly sup their beers this week, as can Barnes and Git and the Aussie front row, but this week in Auckland, you'd have to fancy a bounce back.

Let's just give a few stats on this weeks game in Auckland before a prediction: since 2001 games won are N.Z. 10 A. 7. Australia will be looking for their first win in Auckland for 22 years, the first side for 10 years, and the All Blacks have not lost three Tests in a row for 10 years.

McCaw and Conrad Smith are back for the Blacks and Mortlock and Waugh for the Wallaby's.

The Git says Dan Carter is the best in the world and that he has, "No real weaknesses". Dan says, "The Wallaby's are playing with real confidence."

The fool says...and for some reason I keep edging towards a Green and Gold victory, but that's just nuts...isn't it? - 19-8 to the home side.

Some shorts:

Take a chance on me Brian Smith the English new backs coach has laid down the law, "By the end of the November series against the Specific Islanders, Australia, N.Z. And S.A., there will be an English style of game in place players will have to fit into." - Bang goes the rape and pillage attack.

Dwain Chambers the Olympic banished drug cheat who it seems every other country would have allowed to compete is training British stars to run fast this summer. Both Danny Care and Dave Strettle have signed up - out of the frying pan for them some might say.

James Haskell 23 has self appointed himself into the England job as a potential captain saying, "It's always been my dream to captain my club and country. I have the personality and attitude to do it and everyone knows that is my goal. But's about timing." The man being groomed by Dally at Wasps has just sealed England's fate - this one will keep your thoughts on track, this one will make you faster on the track and this one will make you arrogant enough to think you are the track.

Just as Sean Fitzpatrick wants to the NZRFU to allow overseas players to be allowed to play again, Serge Blanco, the president of Ligue National de Rugby want to stop players coming into the French game; "I don't think it's in the interest of our country (Dan Carter) - In my opinion we can't have short term freelancers.. I'm afraid it's bound to skew the (Top 14) Championship." - The French use words like skew do they?

MB ref Andre Watson, who practically dreamt up the ELV's is dubious to all the TMO's interferences on practically every decision and says, "The jury is still out. I don't think we can say that they have succeeded yet at this stage." - You know the fool's thoughts, if you want to hear Brian Moore's ramblings read the rugby section in the menu.

Ok, lastly Auckland's Nick Williams is moving to Munster and Rocky Elsom is not sure Aussie rugby league star Sonny Bill Williams is cut out for brain rugby. Sonny is off to Toulon  as an outside centre, but Rocky says he'll probably be better off at No.8, "It's a bit of a risk, because he's going to play reasonably well because he's a good player, but it's whether or not he gets those higher skills that they are going to need there." - Lote and Robinson, name me another, and don't say Elfman, he never had a regular position, he was a good bench player.

p.s. The fool is still taking bets for an England World Cup win in New Zealand...

John Smit's; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV - : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 - the fool promises!

Called the John Smit's XV, as he's the current World Cup winning captain, so we've got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15.    Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood  13. The Patriot  12. The Great Race  11. Pink Panther  10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs  8. Braveheart  7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone  6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.   2. Simpsons Hooray Henry crook 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

And English cricket is in the same state of as rugby's existence on the telly, both literally - non!

Reeling from their 10 wkt defeat by the South African's at Headingly, England recalled Wobblybottom back from injury and Colly from being crap.

Vaughan, who managed to snipe himself a golden duck on the first day yesterday at Edgbaston said earlier in the week this about Colly, "He knows he needs to start scoring some runs - as a few of us do - but it's good to have him back among the ranks." - I bet it is - the dour Yorkshireman that he is, err, both of them. And he's still crap...both.

I'd give you an update, but it's not on the telly as said, I think the news is too embarrassed to show it and the transistor's up the spout!

So here's a story about Andre Nel, 31, in the for the injured Dale Steyn (thumb): Andre doesn't play under his real name but that of a German bloke who lives in the mountains where the oxygen is thin therefore giving him a more severe pent up adrenalin; he calls him 'Gunther', well the computer bloke from the South African team first called him that. And ever since Andre...err...Gunther scratches his name on his bowlers mark before he starts to snarl, foam at the mouth and looks like he wants to flame throw every batsman, decision from an umpire and any low flying pigeon that he sees.

Alistair Cook knows Gunther from playing with him at Essex and says he's "an idiot", but a lovely bloke off the pitch.

Guthner or Andre, I'm not sure which, has had a colourful career: in 2001 he felled his hero Alan Donald with a bouncer and broke down in tears. In 2002 he was fined for smoking weed in the Windies on tour. In 2003 he was kicked off an 'A' tour for drink driving. Then in 2005 he had to be escorted to rush off the pitch at close of play in England to get married. It didn't say anything about 2004.

Till next week...

Other sports:

The Olympics are up and running next week in internet free China (I've spent years bagging China and how they've basically stuck two fingers up at the world and done exactly as they want and I'm not prepared to just say 'I told you so' now, which of course I just did). And Brit sailing pair Ben Rhodes and Steve Morrison have had their knuckles wrapped and in fact been disallowed by the Olympic big wigs to call their boat Jackie Big Tits, which is a song from one of their favourite bands, The Kooks. Steve said, "We've always named our boats after songs and Jackie Big Tits is one we liked by the Kooks. We've had a boat called Britney and Sally Cinnamon." - Do you know a connection there? - Now, Sally Big Tits I do, but Sally Cinnamon...

And I'm not sure if this is sport, but 100 sky divers have recently set a world record for a diamond formation. They did it at 4000ft and all jumped from five different planes - all at different heights, obviously well it is cf readers! The 200ft long formation took 11 minutes to complete and took two attempts at Lake Wales, Florida U.S. The previous best was 85. 11 minutes, is that for real?

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

A survey on bra sizes fresh in from somewhere has revealed that nearly half of all men prefer a 'C' cup, with 14% opting for the 'D', 17% lunged at the 'B' and one in five will take anything they can get hold of. Remember on all forms of communication lying will take place mostly on email.

The world's ultimate film baddie, according to lovefilm.com is Hannibal Lecter followed by Darth Vador and third was Joe Pesci's Tommy Devito in Goodfellows, no relation to Dan, although about the same size.

A 3st 8lb Mount Olympic Burger with 25lb of beef and 4lb of cheese takes five people three hours to eat, if you were ever wondering. Well, the one at Clinton Station Diner New Jersey US does.

Sir Richard Branson 58 is almost ready to take punters into space in his WonderKnightTwo. The 140ft space ship is affectionately named after his mum, Eve, so why do they call it WonderKnightTwo? She'll, the ship, not his mum, will be hiked 50,000ft into the air by Spaceship Two then launched into orbit. In 18 months time it will at least anyway. More than 250 people have already paid the £100k for the trip with his company Virgin Galactica. Richard said, "Space is the final frontier that is so essential to the future of civilisation on this planet." - Wouldn't you be a little worried as to what happened to WonderKnightOne?

BBC journalist Alistair Lawson thinks he might have found existence of a Yeti living in India's Meghalaya's State. Forest workers spotted the hairy beast over a three day period, which has also been reported many times over the years, even by Sir Edmund Hillary. Ape expert Dr Redmond is currently conducting DNA tests on hairs brought back from the Indian forest, which have so far ruled out Asiatic bears, yak's, orang-utans and gorillas. The Doc said, "The hairs are complete with cuticle and between 3.3cm and 4.4cm long and thick and wiry and curved." - And somehow in writing all that I've managed to completely delete this week's Crazy rock n roll capes XXXVIII! And no, it isn't Demis Rousos!

Peter Kay corner - very Cooper-esque; His questions: "Why do people point to their wrist when they're asking for the time but not to their crotch when asking where the toilet is?"

Aussie Aaron Seare 31 nearly got eaten by a Great White on Levy's Beach, near Warranbool, Victoria, but didn't. Although it did bite through his rope as he took the next wave into shore. "I felt a tug on my leg rope but a wave picked me up and washed me back to the beach. I really freaked out.". In true surfers style Aaron said, "I'll definitely get back on the horse but probably not alone." and "I don't think I'll be going to the same beach for a while.: - Doesn't he realise those things swim!

Alzeimers is on the reverse due to Boff Claude Wischik and his team at Aberdeen University and their new wonder drug. The boff said, "We appear to be bringing the most affected parts of the brain functionally back to life." Helen Clarke 68, who's been a guinea pig for the past three years said, "I still have the same personality and I think I am more alert." - But still no change on the guinea pig situation though!

Dunno if you get the Beano comic in your part of the world but it was 70 years old this week. Lord Snooty was in the first edition way back in '38 and that character is still going strong. My favourite were the Bash Street Kids. It was thought that if the Germans had won the war the comic would have been tried by the Nazis for propaganda crimes. Max Mosely would have got em off...literally!

73 year Eric Smith (great name) has spent six months or 537 hours doing the world's biggest jigsaw at 24,000 pieces. The 12ft by 6ft puzzle of dolphins and boats took him 179 days, which had puzzles within puzzles, he said, "I seem to have a knack of doing jigsaws - I can't walk past one without finding a couple of pieces and putting them in." - His wife said, "He's always been a boring old cunt."

And lastly the University of Wolverhampton UK has published the top 10 world's oldest jokes. This is considered the oldest from 1900BC from Sumerian (Southern Iraq), "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: A young woman did not fart in her husbands lap." - No I don't get that one either, must be something to do with Woody Allen. Here's one from 1600BC about a Pharaoh possibly King Snofru: "How do you entertain a bored Pharaoh? A. You'd sail a boatload of women dressed only in a fishing net down the Nile and ask the Pharaoh to catch a fish." - Ok, getting there. What about this one from the Anglo-Saxons in the 10^th century; "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A: A key." - Sorry to leave you with that in the meantime...goodbye.

just cf it

cf