productions presents

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: Dustin Hoffman is sitting in his tepee on Knee-cap Hill taking a break from eating his curds and whey. He's now relaxing on a large-ish hookah (a pipe, before you ask!), which is packed with Afghanistan black, when along toodles Colonel Custard, fresh from the film set of Little Big Man. He's seeking his fortune, be it cloaked in solace or doom, as he is equipped for both, for his horse, which upon he is sat now and pacing up and down outside the tepee, has the steerage to go this way and that - 'Hmmm, should I go to Chief Sitting Bull's party tomorrow or shouldn't I go to Chief Sitting Bull's party tomorrow?...Phmmmph, decisions, decisions.' He enters the tepee, dismounts and sits down opposite Dustin, the silent Banshee soothsayer, and asks:

Col Custard: Tootsie (he howls, trying to cover the noise of his horse releasing the quintessential fart as he sits), Tootsie, is that you, is it really you, you who were once a Canadian fur-trapper that worketh for me. And now it seems but a messed up silent Banshee, who, but for me to say, it is said, so I believe, is able to call the spirits from the 'other' world -  is it really you? Pray tell oh silent Banshee have what ye in store for me on thee morrow?

(He is a trained Hollywood Shakespearian actor - like Leonard Nimroy)

fool, the silent Banshee, ex-fur-trading cross-dressing out of work actor, appears through the hookah's psychoactive spiralling smoke as it bobs and weaves it's ascending hallucinogenic dance to the ether, then splutters straight into the lungs of a passing moth. They watch as the moth flickers momentarily with an unbalanced yet mildly settling intoxication by the oil lamp, which is held fast to a pole, it lets out a high sigh of drowsy contentedness and drops like a stone to the floor. fool is sat next to where the moth lands, dressed in a Japanese Kimono and addidas football boots (don't ask). He takes in the Colonel's question and proceeds to circle the hookah pipe under the curds and whey for its mystical response. Steadily, a face appears in the sour, clumpy milk...first the hair juts out at irregular angles then a large, prominent nose bludgeons its way through the pale yet sultry liquid and finally a mole on one sucked cheek appears, followed quickly by a pair lips lower down where you would guess the mouth to be...with another sudden jerk of the hookah pipe the silent banshee calls upon the visage to speak, ...all at once a ripple appears, the mouth opens just slightly, a bubble pops and there is sound...

Curds and Whey: ...I can tell by your eyes that you've probably been crying forever And the stars in the sky don't mean nothing to you they're a mirror...but I don't wanna talk about it...

Narrator: (switches off the Rod Stewart cd and turns to fool) You know people are calling you mental?

fool: just a fool N, just a fool

Narrator: (Silence)...and quiz jingle...and action...

curds and whey

1. What are curds and whey?

2. Which ocean are the Seychelles in?

3. What is a butterfly lava more commonly known as?

4. Which fictional doctor lived in Puddle-on-Marsh?

5. What is the capital of Morocco?

6. What is the plural of mongoose?

7. What is the name given to a whales breathing organs?

8. Which part of the body does the disease scrofula, or the king's evil affect? A) The lymph glands B) The nervous system C) The genitals

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - and don't forget, you can contact fool direct on the contacts page above or do it manually, in your free time, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com - do it, do it, doooo-oooo it.

WHO AM I?   'No fruit' has currently stopped play for the Eagle fella! Apparently he's still waiting for his Carmen Miranda hat, but as we know it's fast approaching TET here in Nam-land, which traditionally is the time for everyone to go home to their families for the holidays and take with them fruit, which in turn is causing frantic purchases of Carmen Miranda hats down at the local Carmen Miranda hat shop - that's the excuse cfn's resources department has come up with anyway. That and naughty children are being forced to kneel on all the durians. Not that you'd want one of those on your head either. Nevertheless, after much scrutinizing scrutinating the Dracule fella popped up with the answer to last week's, rather 'out there' clue, which was, "I oft just sit in a tree and smoke." to which the answer was, Caterpillar - you figure the rest out, from the opening scene. Whilst fool here scribbles clue No.1 for WAI? Week No.5, "I took a shine to Tootsie and got a lifetime award for it."

Scores at the end of week 4 in the 2008 series.

Dracule: 3

Legal Eagle: 0

Others: zip

is it me?

*Non-descript trivia moment*

Firing a shot from a stowed and loaded cannon in Nelson's navy was regulated by the following sequence of orders:

Silence!

Cast loose your gun!

Level your gun!

Take out your tampion!

Prime!

Run out your gun!

Point your gun!

Fire!

Worm and sponge!

Load with cartridge!

Load with shot and wad to your shot!

Ram home shot and wad!

Put in your tampion!

House your gun!

Secure your gun!

fool's Gold

• An anagram of "ELEVEN PLUS TWO" is "TWELVE PLUS ONE"

• Aston Barrett, the bassist in Bob Marley's band has 52 children

• A new product is launched worldwide every three and a half minutes

Dr. Phil O'logy, our Wordman's word of the week:

OK/OKAY

The origin of OK became the Holy Grail of etymology. In 1963 Dr. Allen Walker Read of Columbia University uncovered the origin.
The term began as a facetious misspelling for all correct (oll korrect) in Boston newspapers in the spring of 1839. OK was the result of two editorial fads common in newspapers of the era.

Thanks Dr. Phil.

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave, brave sponsors...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito, wine by the bucket. The best Spanish cuisine this side of Spain.

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy. P.s. Can't wait for the new recipe book too!

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh The new year - cometh the January meat tray: packed with goodies galore this one - Definitely gonna need a bigger gravy boat! This week I had my steak with salad - no gravy required.*classifieds.

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye - look out for their superb long-lunch deals - they're long, lunchy and superb!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. The ribs are xceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger; has more  AFL chunks from the off season

*Trigger is still looking after you, in e? Well, in e?

cf's new radio show: - few minor technical problems recently! But hopefully the horizontal scroll bar for: start, pause, rewind, ff, and the volume, which is located above crazy fool's newsround blue menu button on the left, will put you back on course. Be aware it will automatically go back to the beginning when you click on other pages , but then that's what the buttons are for. Please bare with us, it is the first one, and of course, its nice to get the feedback, keep it coming. Next show out in March - recorded in February - hold on to your fart.

*Tit-bits -  Britain is repossessing...Black testicles...In our day...and Dear Ted - all belters - believe the fool

*Grub-Up - at last, we have a new menu, and it was going to be soup, well it still is, but it's bloody hot here in Nam, so I'm going back to me olde favourite Gazpacho soup or as me old mate Digger says, Gestapo soup. Either way it's pretty good and taken from one of fool's book's mentioned in his book club - can you guess which one? - Get some down yer, it's good for yer.

Poetry Corner: Reliving my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment - try a slice of Roger's theme...

*Fishman - It's fish season down on the Island so give him a call - for more details click on his logo - *On The Pond.

And *Bongo Massif Bro's - Are booked for a marmalade session on crazy fool's radio show in March - don't miss em.

Mr. Meaner... contrary to popular belief the fool is getting leaner, so watch out.

But now folks it's ruggerflyby; and just what did happen this week?

"For the first time in a long time I am genuinely quite excited about it all."

Said Jason Leonard about the coming weekend's start to the RBS Six Nations. Then went back to sleep.

fool's also got some Guinness Premiership results. A smackeral of Super 14's whoo-ha's. And a slice of the ELV's. - Not the small people - the electro-lux visionaries!

But back on last weekend's paddock Gloucester remained top of the table by slotting six penalties to see off two try Wasps 18-17 down in the West Country - ooogh argh!...'Fuck off towny'...'right ho'.

Danny Cipriani missed three of his first four attempts at goal, which is more reason for him to be on the bench against Wales on Saturday and Dally can't believe Josh Lewsey is not even in the Six Nations squad. ...'Josh you're in the squad'...'Yay' ...'Na, just joshing. You're dropped.'...'Wo, heavy.'

Saracens beat Bath at Vicarage Road 26-15 and are looking serious contenders for the Guinness. I wonder how many crates they get per game?

London Irish popped Leeds 26-24 and scrum half Paul Hodgson looks as if he'll be injured for any England duty this weekend. They've brought in some bloke called Wigglesworth - no shit!

And Worcester won their first Premiership game for the 11^th time of asking at Sixways against Bristol 25-5. Do you recognise these internationals who scored for the 'cesters - Pat Sanderson, Greg Rawlinson and Dale Rasmussen assisted by Rico 'on the' Gear.

Over in the land of soft cheese Biarritz beat Perpignan 12-8 and Toulouse romped further in the lead of the Top 14 by slogging last placed, err is it Dax! - 34 - 3.

Top notch stuff:

Moving up the ladder to the international rung and there has been all the usual talk before the fight, such as, 'Who do you think will win?'...'Don't know.' And other such riveting conversations as, 'Where you watching the game?'...'Dunno.'

This year's Six Nations has potential to be one of the best for a long time, as Jason Leonard pointed out at the start. - Smart bastard.

Reason being is, as he tells us again, "be it the coaches or players all sides are in a transitional period." He's always telling us stuff that Jason.

But of course, he's right, also making it the ideal chance to blood young blood and to mix them with the old thus potentially coming up with dynamite rugby.- Kaboom.

Ireland take on Italy at Croke Park first up on Saturday and having just said all that about blooding the young, Eddie O'Sullivan is in similar position to field the same team that were knocked out in the World Cup by Argentina 30-15 last November, bar suspension to (Jerry Flannerry), injury to (O'Connel) and retirement of (Dennis Hickie).

Keith Wood rates this season a goodun, "This year is the closest in terms of ability we've seen, with no stand out favourites." - Bookies money are on France at the moment!

He also rates Croke Park as a 'massive boost', stating, "It was simply phenomenal (Ireland v England last year). Our BBC studio looked out on the whole stadium and presenter John Inverdale described the window as the best plasma screen he's ever watched."

Ireland will, eventually clobber them - 37-19.

Next up England entertain Wales at Twickenham. Wales haven't beaten the World Cup finalists for 20 years. - That's 1988 for those hard on going backwards - acid house was all the rage in the UK and Kylie was just perfecting her bum back then.

Brian Ashton it seems is spoilt for choice, especially at the No.10 position, "A few years ago there was Wilkinson and Charlie Hodgson, but nobody else at that level for the No.10 jersey."

"Now, there are four more players who could step up and do a good job." - fool would make that six: Cipriani (Wasps), Flood (Newcastle), Lamb (Gloucester), Geraghty (L.Irish) and Goode (Leicester) & Barclay (Bath).

Nerd fact: Sgt. Wilko is 18 points shy of his 1000 and 62 short of Neil Jenkins' world record of 1,090! - can you work it out?

The biggest shock is the debut of Luke Narraway of Gloucester in at No.8. To be fair, I think Nick Easter and Joe Worsely are injured. And neither of them went to the same school as Rik Mayall!

Both the 'Volcano' and Cipriani have made it on the bench, but let's not go through nationality jerk-offs on Lesley's sake or we could bring up Gregan, Tana, Heath Ledger...eh!

James Haskell is the man to watch but as Cueto said of Sheridan, "He is immense. He is 6ft 5inches, 19st and there is not an ounce of fat on him. Having players like that gives you a massive boost." - Bet he needs massive boots too.

"Phil Vickery is the same. Add Mark Regan in the mix and you have a front row to fear." - Boo!

Without going through the whole team, not even wonder kid Strettle on the wing, it's difficult to find how the bookies have averaged them at a likely third place!

Wales on the other hand are nuts deep up Gatland's arse, whom players have said has already raised the bar - that should keep it out of reach and them fitter!

Remember Martyn Williams had his pipe and slippers on by the end of November, now he's back in the mix.

And although the Gat's thinks England's Balshaw is shit, he has gone for 13 of the starting 15 from Ospreys. - Just because they're in the last eight of the Heineken Cup doesn't make them internationals...or does it?

6ft 3inch scrum half Mike Philips has a collective teams attitude of seeing no reason they cannot win, "In terms of the tournament I think we can surprise a lot of people. The team has had a lot of experience in the World Cup (Yeah lost to Fiji), and it is still young and still moving forward."

England 28-22

On Sunday France travel to Murrayfield to do battle with the Scots. And fool is telling yer, it'll be a battle up there - have you seen the size of the Jock pack these days - Hebredian beef and gym!

Scotland are for sure a dark horse, remember they went farther than Ireland and Wales and out at the same stage as New Zealand and Australia in the World Cup.

And they have a very up and coming team - a pack to take on anyone, with great young loosey's in John Barclay and Johnnie Beattie.

They'll miss Sean Lamont outside and whether they go for Pattison or Parks at fly, they've got a kicker.

As legend Kenny Logan says, "I'm quite excited about Scotland - we haven't had any big changes and the squad we have is still young enough to march towards the next World Cup."

And apart from Skrela being a very handy fly half, and they have a new skipper in Nallet and coach Lievrement I have no news on the Frogs...'cept they'll be dangerous or shite.

Super stuff:

Ok, the Super 14 whoo-ha is that long-haired Brumbie coach, who is looking nore and more like a brumbie everyday, Laurie Fisher, has by no uncertain terms told Robbie Deans to fuck off and pick his own team, stating, "Until he has finished with the Crusaders he is opposition."

Interesting, loyal, yet not. Almost in treason territory, for which you can still get hung in Britain. Does that still apply in Aus fool wonders.

The other Aussie coaches are in the mood for it however, but would want more facts on Deans' idea of Super 14 coaches helping Deans with the national side selection - the other coaches being: Ewen Mckenzie (Tah's), John Mitchell (Force) and Phil Rooney (Reds).

Ewen states, "The idea of getting the state coaches...it is a good idea to get them involved. But the devil will be in the detail." - Better the devil you know - so yeah, fuck off Deans.

Springbok boss Peter de Villiers has been off to Toulon to try and entice Victor Matfield to come back to Murdering Bastard-land and earn 3 rand a week. - Good luck.

John Smit is back in MB-land, but only on sick leave. Then he was only playing second fiddle to Puma Mario Ledesma at Clermont!

Troy Flavell and Nick Evans' names have been banded about by Ulster as part of their £1m for four top players catch. "It's something in the back of my mind and we'll see how things go when the time comes." said Nick.

Troy says he hasn't heard anything, "But it will be interesting to see if I do." - Both of them will be out of Auckland before you could say, 'cuppa tea, cuppa tea, jam and scones.'

Stirling Mortlock seems the last big name to leave the ARU's sinking ship. He's been offered AU$3.75m to play for Japan outfit Ricoh Black Rams (See their results below). A couple of European clubs are also after him.

Pat Howard the ARU's Chief negotiator says, "the ARU simply cannot compete with it." - Watch Rocky Elsom and Wycliff Palu hit Europe soon too.

Pat also had a mention on the recently trialled ELV's, and suggested, "The game maybe the same it has been for the first 60minutes but with a war of attrition that past the 60 minute mark where there is so much ball in play and the players are fatigued what might effectively happen is the scores double in the last 20 minutes." Or not.

Ok lastly another retiree, 34 year-old Richard Hill. Played at Saracens his whole professional career. Debued in '93' 300 club appearances. Made 71 caps for England, 12 tries and 3 British & Irish Lions tours. Known as 'The Silent Assassin' Richard was first capped in '97' v Scotland and finished his Test career through injury against Australia in 2004. Brian Ashton said of him, "Richard personifies for me everything that is good about a professional rugby player." - He was regarded as one of the best loose forwards ever.

 John Smit's bloody on going films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV - : Will be finished in 2008!

• 15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool's thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. 1.

Other results:

Some Heineken Cups: April next slot

Some Internationals: Leopards 54 - Russia 29

England EDF Trophy: na

England Nat, 1: Rotherham Titans 36 - 17 Esher

France; Pro D2 11eme: pas

France Top 14: Montauban 12 - 11 Dax

Ireland's AIL level 1;   St. Mary's 23 - 22 Old Belvedere

Italy; Siera A XIII: Orvad san Dona 35 - 12 Anteres Bevenento

Japan Top League: Ricoh Blam Rams 20 - 17 Kyuden Voltex

Scotland's premiership: Melsrose 38 - 7 Ayr

Netherlands: HRC 21 - !& DIOK

Spain's Div D Honour 11: El Salvador 14 - 7 Cajasol Ciacias

Wales Konica Cup: Bargoed 24 - 16 Whitland/ Tondu 16 - 15 Old Illtydians

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Sachin Tendulkar guided the Indians to a finely balanced draw with a day 1 ton in the fourth Test at Adelaide last week. - It was his 39^th. The crowd went nuts.

"It is truly special, very over whelming. The ovation has been truly fantastic and has made my trip very, very special." - He said as he knocked back the bubbly at the crease - does the Little Master drink, do you think?

Spinning Brad Hogg was impressed too, and said ,"It was joy to watch" But then also said he wished it was against someone else.

Brad also tipped his hat with an outstanding compliment, "He's up there as the greatest player the world's ever seen. You can put him alongside Brian Lara, the Don." - Quixote?

Adam Gilchrist on the other hand retired - fullstop. He popped the record haul of keepers dismissals last Friday with 414, passing Mark Boucher's efforts. And on 96 Tests and 17 centuries said enough is enough. - 'I can't go on , no baby, baby, baby...'

Stating that he wasn't one for all the old clichés, proceeded to cliché, "I wasn't sure if I'd just know, but I just knew. There was a point in time when I just knew." - He said, of when he knew it was time to retire. At least he didn't say, 'I'll head em off at the pass'.

He did the usual sentimental speeches, but saved the best for the boys, "It was very difficult. At the end of the day, that changing room is what it is all about." (No gay boy jokes here please).

For the man whom the world describes as altering the No.7 slot Ponts, his skipper paid him the highest accolade, "He's a once-in-a-generation player."

Moment to reflect...bollocks!

Meanwhile Harbhajan was cleared of racist remarks and had his 3-match ban rescinded - what does that mean?

South Africa upped the anti on the Windies by winning the series 3-0 - can't get much more upped than that. Jacques Kallis 121*

And with Shane Bond's Black Caps contract ripped up because he's gone to play in a rebel Indian cricket league Daniel Vettori reckons Strauss' comments were a good thing.

"I think Straussy's comments may have been taken out of context slightly, because any team in the world would like to have a Shane Bond in their side. It's not often Chris Martin gets fired up, but if it gets the best out of him then it can only be good news for us." - I don't like cricket - I love it - read week 10 book in the book club yet!

Till next week...

Other sports:

Yank senator Borack (Borat) Obama (can't say it so will have to spell it!) is 46 and is a Hammers supporter. Hillary is 60 and a Man U supporter, only because her husband said he liked them once, when he was probably wanting to buy them! - Anyway, those two in the stands toe-to-toe is a better scenario!

don't swallo chewing gum

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

The average Brit boyfriend reckons it's more important to go out with his mates than to see his girlfriend (did they need a survey to establish this?). Eight out of ten girls said their blokes cancelled a date to be with the lads. Mind you, six out of ten got treated to dinner once a month. So what are they complaining about!

The boyfriend's average 'bedtime' endurance was 22 minutes, twice a week (lucky buggers) - and they seldom cheat. Your average bloke would be 25, lives with his parents, drives an old car, has been to University or College, earns a salary of 26k and wants to be married with a child at 31. If you fit all of those stats then you're average.

cheers

Maths boffs have worked out that waiting for a bus is quicker than walking. Justin Chen of the Californian Institute of Technology and Scott Kominies and Robert Wyatt from Harvard, did stuff with D=distance, I=bus stop, N=number stops, V=velocity and all using different equations backed up the theory. Scott summized, "Many mathematicians probably ponder this on their way to work, but never get around to working it out." - I bet they do to!

get it?

Lego is 50 years old this week. Danish carpenter Ole Kirk Christianson (Hans) first put a couple of blocks together in 1932 A couple of years later he came up the name Leg & Godt - 'play-well'. A few years later still, interlocking plastic blocks came into the frame...and they haven't changed since. - Ole - (He's Danish not Spanish...fool)

Buzz words in the office  this year are blamestorming - I think that's easy to work out. Boss-spasming - looking busy when the manager walks by. And lunch is: inter-departmental liaison facilitation. Apparently a cunt is still a cunt.

cf's book club (own page come week 10...maybe)

Continues to grow by a book a week, that believe it or not, is what the fool has read in this time slot!

And until it gets its own page, here's week's 1 - 7:

Starting with Week 2: Mark Hadden's - The Curious Incident With The Dog  in the night-time a rather curious tale about a demented kid! - rating: 4.

Week 1 (Confused now eh!) Ben Elton's; The First Casualty - If a word can paint a thousand pictures then Telly Savalas should have written this - rated in at 5.

For a number three spot on the board this week, fool is going to throw in The Essential Dave Allen; edited by Graham McCann - rated at 3 and curiously enough 4.

And in at No.4: Martin Johnson's autobiography; Good read, but I tell you what, it's all about 'me, me, me', 'I did this.' And, 'I did that...' - rating 4.

Week 5: The General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious PIRATES by Captain Charles Johnson - arghhh, a number 3.

In at week No.6 I'm going to add The Cortigo Romero Book of Recipes - to find out more click on Bootlace Holidays link on the right.- rating:3

Week 7: Forgotten Voices of the Great War by Max Arthur...a poignant tale of historical value told by dems dat were dere. Rated at a 4.

Week 8: Ben Elton's (again) Dead Famous - Wind yourself up to some non-credit wankers whom Ben manages to pin point with accurate precision. Particularly love the bitch character Geraldine Hennessey. Rated at 5.

Week 9: Horrible Histories; Rotten Romans - fantastic series for kids of all ages. Written by Terry Deary and illustrated by Matthew Brown...I think. Rated at 3

Week 10: Penguins Stopped Play eleven village cricketers take on the world by Harry Thompson - cricket at its best, in its quite essential way of course...no, fuck that - simply one of the most entertaining books fool's ever read, whether you like cricket or not. Rated in at 5

The Ratings go as thus:

• 1. Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.

New Zealand police have banned 'Borat' style 'mankini's' to be worn at this year's Wellington IRB World Sevens tournament. The mankini as worn by Sacha Boran Cohen has been banned in the name of decency. The tournament is usually a festival affair where last year many a mankini was worn, but this time cops say, "It is a family event and children will be there." - It's also too risqué for fool's page, so try this...

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XIX: This one taken from the point of view of the 'otherside'! Promoters Freddy and Wendy Bannister tell of their  Bath Festival (II) gig in June 1970 - WB, "We sold the house and a lot of our possessions to pay the bands in advance for the second festival. Crazy! It was a hell of a gamble but I think people did take more chances in those days." - Let's put it in perspective a bit; in the June '69' bash Led Zeppelin cost £500 by '70' they pocketed £20,000

A worldwide study shows that the age 44 is the most miserable for both sexes. Discontent and depression reach their peak then. Boff Andrew Oswald of Warwick University said, "Most people emerge from this low period in their 50's." - Even 70 year-olds, in good health, are happier than 20 year-olds - miserable bastards. Andrew's not sure why but explains, "One possibility is that people learn to adapt with age, another is cheerful folk live longer." - I didn't get where I am today by being happy - but then I am in the gutter.

Here's a goodun: a German travel company (not Luftwaffe) are about to run naked flights. By all accounts the East Germans were into a bit of naturalism or 'Ossis' as it was known. So, naturally, boss Enricho Hess called his company OssisUrlaub.de and enlightens us, "In the former East Germany, naturist holidays were a much-loved way of spending the best weeks of the year." - Crikey, those Commies!

He continues; "We want to make the freedom possible above the clouds too." - So on 5^th July the first flight will go from Erfart (really) in the South East to the Baltic island Usedom (sure). "All passengers will fly naked, but they are only allowed to undress once they are inside the plane. But then they will be able to enjoy the hour long flight in the way God intended." - The pilot and trolly-Dolly's are fully clothed. - Just imagine it...seriously, just imagine it.

400 Chinese chefs are going to England to learn to cook a decent fry up. Yep the Olympics are but a gnats cock away and visitors to Beijing will want their proper breakies and roasts.

15 have already got their diplomas from Hastings College, East Sussex, where a spokesman said, "Our cuisine intrigued them. They started on fry-ups and graduated to harder dishes like fish n chips." - They probably invented it.

Peter Kay's corner (Very Cooper-esque): 'I was doing some decorating at home, so I got out my step ladder. I didn't get on with my real ladder.'

After heavy rains at the Willows Golf Club in Queensland, Australia a crocodile has made his new home in the lake of the 14^th hole. Owner Don Matheson said, "If we allowed it, he would stay here." - But of course he hasn't paid his fees so it'll be handbags for him!

A US study found that blokes who lost their virginity early, say about 13/14 were going to have problems later in life, such as STD's and drink and drugs, probably the odd elevation in their 40's too. - If you're 44 you really shouldn't be reading this.

Let's move on:

In a town called Konim in Croatia 395 Smurfs congregated only to be told, "Sorry - too late." - A spokesmurf said, "We read on the internet that the record was 290 people held by a group of Americans (Yanks) and decided to beat it, and we had TV, radio and print media report our success."

However, good old Warwick University were there again, last July in fact, with 451. The Croat spokesmurf grumbled, "We could easily had got more if..." - Yeah, yeah, yeah Bluey - blah, blah, blah. Did you know the Croats invented the neck tie - Croat in fact means cravat!

too many of the blue ones

Ok, lastly, tonnes of Poles from the UK are paying up to £1,500 for penis enlargements in Russia. At the 'Brazil' clinic in Kaliningrad, and enclave between Poland and Lithuania on the Baltic Sea, clinic-tician Agnieszka Feifer was "amazed how many were coming!" and said, "The Poles that do come from the UK are very well educated, around 30. They often say they decided to get their penises thickened and/or lengthened to please their women back in the UK to give them more satisfaction." - Apparently they get 10 long ones and 10 fat requests a week. The clinic also does ladies breasts and most of their clients are from Ireland. - I dare say they all fly home with OssisUrlaub.de afterwards.

Come fly with me let's fly let's fly away...

just cf it

cf