December, 30th 2009 12:29 PM
“Stop your messing around ah-ah-ah
Better think of your future ah-ah-ah
Time you straightened right out ah-ah-ah
Creating problems in town ah-ah-ah
Rudy”
(The Specials)
‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in
crazy fool’s newsround
in that order
(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)
Plus the radio show – with a new look!
That was the week weren’t it;
The scene: fool is straddled aside a giant turkey carcass, as it’s dragged by a speeding boat driven by Father Christmas wearing a reindeer’s head complete with flashing nose. Fishing for tuna off the side is a little fat elf in fishnet stockings and nipple rings, with a mermaid on each arm – bosoms akimbo! The Champagne and Guinness are flowing freely, Motorhead are playing Ace of Spades live on deck and in the distance tied to the ramp of a jump you can just make out the screaming figures of Aled Jones and his poncy Snowman, a selection of Boy Bands and the odd ‘gay’ footballer who has constantly writhed in pain every time a hair falls out of place then spat at the ref…
fool: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeha - Wel, mae'n rhwydd ti'n gweld? Twneli fanna. O dan y mor. Pam, rown ni'n medru gwneud hwn mewn bore. 6,835 o filltiroedd yna, wedyn tamaid o ginio cawl glo a chennin. Wedyn twnelu gartre yn y prynhawn, ti'n gweld? O'n ni'n gwybod fase ti'n iawn amdano fe. Dere 'mlan te, dy rownd di ydi e. Fe awn ni yn y bore.
Narrator: Quick, he’s going under, talking Welsh again, something about tunnelling under the sea, see, isn’t it… damn, it’s catching, look here, I’m talking it now see - quick fix him another turkey shake
I drew this…isn’t it!
1. Who sang the original A Message to you Rudy?
2. What was John Lennon’s middle name?
3. Which Ian Fleming novel has the shortest title?
4. What city is the capital of
5. In which country is the national drink called pisco?
6. Who would use a fyke?
7. What are banoffee pie’s two main ingredients?
8. What is the first event in the heptathlon? A) 100metre B) Javelin C) 800metres
Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com
After the huge success of cf’s Christmas Quiz Night at the Zone Bar, we’re due another…it’ll be in 2010!
WHO AM I? – 2009 – As the 2009’s drapes plunder further towards ye olde tread boards of mysticism, fool’ll let you in a little secret; It wasn’t Captain Eo, Captain Bligh nay Charles Laughton you bastards, So let’s regroup; Clue No.1 “Nay Hook nor Peter Pan, although my trial was a bit of a joke.” And head straight into Clue Numero dos; “A Capt’n I be, nay, for I was, and I’ll nay be joking about that. Although it could be said I was never released, but be sure I was so in kind from The
Is it me?
Welcome to the 2010 Main Comp series – with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in. For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page in the categories.
Scores at the end of 2009’s new quiz were; the Legal Eagle; No.1, again, – on the way to him is 2008’s prize, which was a Carmen Miranda hat, which has just been completed – had to wait for the Beer tree to bear fruit you know, which only happens once a year; you can find out more about this most charitable fruits at http://www.thebeertree.org.uk/ - in the meantime the Eagle will have to patiently twiddle his thumbs in anticipation for this year’s prize (now last year’s), which is a beer hat…made from beer…In the meantime here are last year’s results:
With all the one’s and brackets:
Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1) – RUNNER UP
Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 + 1 bonus point, 1, 1, 1) - WINNER
Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1) – STICK TO THE QUIZ MATE
Casualty: zip – SUPERB EFFORT
Aye: 1 (1) - AYE
Others: 1
Let’s move on shall we:
Quote(s) for the week:
No New Year’s quotes but we do have the Goons, so that’ll make sense!:
Chisholm: The black-bearded criminal must have got in through the door or the windows. Everything else was locked.
The Goon Show
*Non-descript trivia moment*
SNEEZING
If you sneeze on a Monday, you sneeze for danger;
Sneeze on a Tuesday, kiss a stranger;
Sneeze on a Wednesday, sneeze for a letter;
Sneeze on a Thursday, something better;
Sneeze on a Friday, sneeze for sorrow;
Sneeze on Saturday, see your sweetheart tomorrow.
fool’s Gold
- There is a music band named ‘A Life Threatening Buttocks Condition’
- Deer like to eat marijuana
- All five sons of the heavyweight boxing champion George Foreman are called George
Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:
“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”
Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:
Cling film – it does exactly what it says on the packet, so it’s difficult to put this in the bastard cupboard, but by Jiminy it’s a bitch isn’t it. Whether you’re calling it Cling film, Glad Wrap or M Wrap, it’s still the same as an electrically charged Christmas balloon that won’t leave you alone. This time of year is devoted to spare parts in the fridge and if you want that turkey, pud, shrimp, half eaten cracker fresh in the morning then you’ll have to go to war with the ‘pervert’s handcuffs’. It attacks from every angle like an octopus’ last stand. It requires a delicate operation akin to stabbing the bastard in the eyes. Don’t think you can attack it nonchalantly with one hand on the film and the other operating the serrated box – soooo naïve! It’ll fold over stick, flim, flip and fold over ever so slowly back from the first tear and stick fast to the under side of the designated sheet before you’ve clean serrated the bastard thing. You’ll spend the next ten pointless minutes unravelling it with one hand, whilst still gripping the already cut edge with such sweating ferocity that it’s now just a slippery torn mess. Don’t, whatever you do, attempt to use your teeth or you’ll end up dead and found in the foetal position looking like David Carradine, but without the pleasure of the apple. No, do not attempt the one handed ‘pull, tear, wrap’ but do, stretch out, corner by corner and stab into place with meat tenderisers, these provide bulky enough ballast and offer immense pleasure in bashing the shit out of it. Do not use the serrated edge; leave attached and pile whatever necessary food stuff in the middle then carefully use a knife to cut the film. Preferably get a young child to help you here, as they can stand underneath your arms and slice the film whilst not getting in the way at the work table. The look of a grinning kid with an eight inch blade looking up at you may be off-putting, but believe me it’s worth it. That’ll enable you to use both hands to neatly fold over the sheet and voiloire, you’ve saved another piece of left-overs that’ll sit in the back of the fridge, and be forgotten, go rotten and end up in the bin – cling film -Bastards!
Things that are just Sweet Love:
I can’t help it, I’m not normally so melty eyed on the goodwill season, that is to stretch the rants of a festive yuletide to its last tense degrees of a mental breakdown, but I simply cannot get enough of turkey, and whether that’s your national Chrimbo scran is neither here nor there, because besides, corned-beef hash, I could eat turkey every day – perhaps not for 16 years as Mr. Christmas has, but I’m on day 7 and I’ve run out, and I’m feeling the first signs of panic – time to buy a coup – don’t tell the missus – I’ll hide them in the banana tree – then kill ‘em and freeze ‘em in cling film. Turkey is sweet love…come here turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey… - I’m gonna fuck you up, whoa ha ha ha …come to daddy turkey, lurkey, jerkey…come on, come on, COME ON…AAARRRGGGHHH…!
A viewer’s favourite haystacks from
Let’s look at rocks:
And now this bit:
Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…
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Have you had yours today?
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Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.
Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?
See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:
*Digger; still on that footy trip
*Trigger: with his brother
*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:
Playing NOW the one with:
Randall
Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!
*Tit-bits – .../…6 Truths of life…/…A Welshman…/…/…/…
*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said
*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’
*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you
*Classifieds
House for rent; District 1 HCMC
HP Deskjet F2280 Printer, copy, scanner; 1.2mil vnd – contact the fool!
*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…reunited tour begins; we’re on our way …’
Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -
*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available from the Blue Gecko
Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)
Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!
Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity
I’ll take a T-shirt
This bit is the rugby bit:
Published 31.12.09
Elvis is alive!
No game to report on again this week, but we’ll run through the Magner’s, Top14 and Guinness results for old time’s sake as they bashed their way through their traditional derby’s…
Heineken Cup: Can’t you read!
Guinness Premiership –:
Northampton brushed aside Worcester 26-6, with Foden putting in an another sterling performance…look out for him in the England make up come the Six Nations/ L.Irish and Saracens shared a fair old thump, with Delon Armitage bound to out gun Foden for the England’s fullback spot now he’s back from injury; his try did seal this game but it was Elvis Seveali’s 70minute score that had the crowd a-whooping – 23-19/ Quins were without Jim Staples and Frankie Croxford and were pipped by Wasps 21-20 in front of a 76,716 crowd at Twickenham. The Cip missed 5 of his 7 kicks, but if you think he won’t be a huge world star then get your head examined. Care and Strettle scored for Quins, whilst Joe Hart and Joe Simpson touched down for Wasps/ Leeds kept their relegation hopes alive or is that adrift with a win, 16-15 at Newcastle/ Bath trounced poorly Gloucester 24-8 where the Cherries captain Gareth Delve admitted, “we were outplayed and out fought”/ Lewis ‘Mad Dog’ Moody led Leicester for only the second time and helped them beat Sale 32-6 – Johne Murphy, Lewis Moody, Ben Kay and Jordan Crane got the tries.
Top 14: (results only)
Montpellier 25-23 Stade Francais/ Castres 30-7 Montabaun – Castres stay on top after 16 rounds/ Clermont 52-10 Brive …on crackers/ Toulouse 22-11 Perpignan/ Bayonne 19-23 Racing Metro 92/ Toulon 41-13 Albi/ Biarritz 23-6 Bourgoin
Magners League:
Ospreys beat Scarlets 21-14 with Paul Jones scoring in both halves. If you’ve forgotten some of the names who play for Ospreys, here’s a reminder: Tommy Bowe, James Hook, Ricky Januarie, Ryan Jones, Marty Holah, Jerry Collins, Alun-Wyn Jones, Ian Gough, Adam Jones, Sonny Parker and Lee Byrne/ Leinster topped
Some shorts:
Arise Sir Geech, your service has been recognised. He’s done the lot; 7 Lions tours, 2 as a player – one in the ‘74 Invincibles’. The other in ’77. As a coach he won the ’89 in Aus, ’97 in SA and recently lost the epic battle in SA in ’09. He received an OBE for taking
VicSuper 15 side Melbourne are in trouble as their major backer has pulled out amid feasibility flaws concerning revenue from the ARU…they’re not giving them any. It’s a bit puzzling, because the ARU said they wouldn’t fund them, as they are a private venture. The AUS$4.2m required is due to come from TV rights, which if I’m correct the ARU grant – still, could be wrong, either way I’m sure they’ll be on the paddock with or without designated coach Michael Chieka and skipper Rocky Elsom in 2011.
Beale will play fullback at Tah’s as suspected.
Most memorable moment in rugby in 2009 – the eye Burger with Bloodgate at Quins a close second
Some competitions now:
WIN a PRIZE!
John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: have some fun and try to name the actor!!! - This particular team will be finished… fool promises! – Only two to get.
If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another year and half of him yet!
15. Salom's
There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it. I have received two props recently in Ray Winston and Bob Hoskins, but what were the films?
end rugby here!
Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:
It’s cricket…isn’t it…
Hello (Welsh accent) who’s unplugged the plug then eh… Quick, he’s going under again, more trimmings, must have trimmings damn it man, give me those pigs in blankets, this is an emergency madam, stand back…
Day one at Kingsmead saw
Breathe…breathe…
The ‘is-it’s’ finished on 343 all out with
Cook went on to, if not emulate Trott’s paradox style to his namesake, but secured 118 off a not too pretty 218 balls – still the fine was coming and a draw looking ominous. Then
Broad hit the perfect spell knocking the big guns Kallis, AB and JP Duminy , all for 14 and Swanny cleared up a 5-fer on Day five leaving South Africa reeling in ‘what the fuck happened land’ on 141 all gone. Swann’s Man of the Match tally 9/164 – Levi’s post match comment; “It’s not far off the best performance I’ve seen from an
And now, not in
On Day 3, things did flare up, but as Doug ‘fine wine’ Bollinger, said, it was good for the game; Mohammad Aamer had been shoulder barging, pushing, shoving, verballing and tongue lashing with Shane Watson all day, but it was good, it was a fasty against a lad on his way to his first Test ton and exactly what the crowds in the amphitheatre came to see.
Aamer was on 3-50 at this stage and the only Pakistani on form. Shane, his nemesis, was holding the fort for the Australians. They (Aus) declared on 454-5 on Day 3 and were to rely on their bowlers to scurry a victory.
It worked, thanks to Nathan Hauritz’s 5-fer and a couple thrown in by the Johnson fella. Mohammad Yousef, who is no relation to Cat was the only visitor with any respectable figures in a 50. Mind you Shane’s’ 120* was only followed by Clarke’s 37!
So it seemed the unlikely spinner won both in
Most memorable moment in cricket in 2009 – Mitchell’s mum… ‘He’s playing well today, he’s been a very naughty boy!
That’s it for this week
Other sports:
Despite Bernie giving the Schu his backing, the bookies have The Ham as 2010 F1 favourite on 11/4, Fernando Alonso at 7/2 and Schu on 5/1…press your Button’s…now!
Manny’s not taking the Mayweather prescribed blood test, thus more hype is needed for the $20mil a piece purse for the Pacquiao v Floyd fight to go ahead on 13th March. Manny believes blood taken from him just a few days prior to the fight will weaken him…he’s not stupid; he knows it won’t but it’s a mental thing. Read nothing into it, this fight will happen. What is certain, are the rumours abound that Matthew Hatton, brother of Rick, will step in, in an England bout with Floyd if Manny refuses the blood test, so what is certain, is that the Hatton fight, Ricky or Mat, will not happen – savvy? Good.
Inside the Dog!
And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:
Ich bin ein Berliner…whether you’re a doughnut, Welsh or even French, maybe Canadian, well some, definitely not French Canadian, in fact sod the French…no, only joking, just some of them,,, a few…most…ok, and the all the bloody French, from their Soisson neuf upwards…ok not you Manu-goat-he-she-man…or you Marcel, et Jean M…oh well, now I’m confused because the Queen, and don’t start, there’s only one Queen, well, she whooped up the Commonwealth in her Christmas Day speech and gave a hearty hats off to the 13000 (Commonwealth troops) on the front line in poppy-land, so lest we forget the 42 representative nations involved in Afghanistan ; the fool tips his titfer to all.
On the other scale is the BBC’s top TV programme of the decade in Top Gear – can you believe it, that crass Jeremy Clarkson is turning more into Geoff Boycott every day, whilst the Hamster is busying up everyone’s arse. Richard Gere first employed him back on the Pretty Woman set you know, and James May’s still wondering why he’s a rejected toff. Still, the ‘survey’ also had, and solid proof this time, not just a survey, Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars as the Noughties top selling tune in the UK. That’s because everyone’s stealing all the other tunes off the internet. – If you’d like a read of Clarkson get yourself down the Blue Gecko, 31 Ly Tu Trong, Saigon – they’re a few of his titles under the telly/ontop of the fridge…
Biggest Youtube hit in
Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! Auld Lang Syne was a poem written, mostly stolen though I may add, by Robert Burns in 1788 – I bet none of you know any of the words.
It’s party time, and according to a Brit survey 4000 people said the most likely names to stay out and hit it hard at a party are: Vicky, Rachael, Kelly, Charlotte, Nicola, Cat, Lauren and Louise and for men: Ben, James, Darren, Dave and Callum, so if your name’s not on the list – forget it.
Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, “The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said, ‘did you get my drift?”
A 20 year-old loggerhead turtle has just been fitted with fake flippers after a shark ate his real ones. - Strange that, as the Japs like a bit of shark flipper, but presumably not the turtle variety.
Brits are on course for record bookings on weight loss operations – lipo, tummy tucks and staples are on the up by 57% in order to get rid of the average 6lb Christmas binge. Mind you Kate Winslett won the best celebrity curves award according to the 2000 Slimming World poll. Following her in the real body stakes were, Kelly Brook, Cheryl Cole, Beyonce, Megan Fox, Lilly Allen and Keely Hazell.
Ok, not much else happening in the world, so I’ll bid you an almighty 2010 and in the words of Hill Street Blues’ Sgt Phil Esterhaus, ‘hey, let’s be careful out there’, unlike 37 year-old Nigel Lee Drummond from Darlington, who was nicked doing 8m.p.h. on his mobility scooter whilst drunk and carrying a passenger. PC Kevin Slater reminded us, “Although mobility scooters do not travel at great speed, they can still be very dangerous.” – Let that be a lesson to us all.
Big up yer…hold on to your hats, 2010’s gonna be a bumpy ride…
just cf it
cf
Other news
- • 3rd - 9th Feb 2012 v470 - (February, 09th 2012 15:03 PM)
- • 13th - 20th Jan 2012 volume 467 - (January, 19th 2012 12:25 PM)
- • 6th - 12th January 2012 volume 466 - (January, 11th 2012 19:16 PM)
- • 30th dec - 5th jan 2011-12 volume 465 - (January, 05th 2012 12:17 PM)
- • 23rd - 29th December 2011 volume 464 - (December, 28th 2011 12:09 PM)
- • 16th - 22nd Dec 2011 volume 463 - (December, 21st 2011 20:22 PM)
- • 9th – 15th Dec 2011 volume 462 - (December, 14th 2011 22:08 PM)
- • 2nd - 8th December 2011 volume 461 - (December, 07th 2011 21:06 PM)
- • 25th Nov - 1st Dec 2011 volume 460 - (November, 30th 2011 19:26 PM)
- • 18th - 24th November 2011 volume 459 - (November, 23rd 2011 19:32 PM)
