Crazy Fool's Newsround - 24th )ct - 6th Nov 08 volume 303

24th )ct - 6th Nov 08 volume 303
October, 30th 2008 20:10 PM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: August, 1915, on board the HMS Invisible, sailing just south of the German washing line in East Africa; fool, a retired trumpeteer (supplier of bogus business deals) is part of the three and a half star quartet, ‘The Ray Dar n Salem Band’, who are currently playing ‘Who You Calling Baby, Baby?’ on deck outside the Captain’s quarters and can be seen only through a porthole where fool is dining inside with Countess Doufries of the Von Slappenarsen family, daughter of a Swiss army knife and founder of holes in cheese, she is a seductress, ironmonger, pick-pocket, pinball wizard and…spy – eek! – Dining also of course is Captain of the ship, Captain Lovelyballs.

Countess Doufries: So, Captain, my Captain, what do schtink of the Ray Dar n Salem Band…baby? (as she rolls a couple of steel Chinese pinball’s seductively in one hand)

Captain Lovelyballs: Nnneerrr, never catch on. Can’t see it. Damned nuisance if you ask me. Clattering up my tub. There’s a war on you know. Damned fine tub she is too, got us out of many a scrap, I’d say, what, especially that hell hole in Calcutta –black as arse, what. Nnneerr, damn fine tub. What you say fool?

fool: Ugh

Captain Lovelyballs: The tub man, the ship, the ship; what you think of our ship?

fool: What ship…!

Captain Lovelyballs: Nnneerrr that’s the ticket fool. (long pause) And get rid of n Salem.

Narrator: And so HMS Invisible continued her duty unseen deep into the Dark Continent. And fool was disbanded…till 1940, when they got back together, minus n Salem as advised, and once again played, ‘Who You Calling baby, Baby’ this time over the skies of the English Channel and crammed into a Spitfire. Countess Doufries? - Changed her name to Marlene on the Wall Deitrich and spent the rest of her life in stockings and a tophat…happy.

What boat?

1. What rank was Radar in M*A*S*H?

2. What is the Greek pastry baklava sweetened with?

3. How many years would you be married if you were celebrating your tin wedding anniversary?

4. Whose screen test reported ‘Can’t act, can’t sing, slightly bald. Can dance a little’?

5. What was the opening song of the Live Aid concert at Wembley Stadium in July 1985?

6. What would you be studying if your subject was sinology?

7. Who wrote A Street car Named Desire?

8. The Jordanaires were the backing band of what rock and roll legend? A) Elvis presely B) Little Richard C) Bill Haley

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com (just hit the contacts button)

WHO AM I? I don’t know! But just before the break the Legal Eagle ebbed his to, to fro and plucked the ribbons out of Blackbeard on Clue No.1, which was: Clue No.1: “It be booty I’m bound for and bugger the consequences of any man that stands in my way, for with my ribbons in my hair I’m a God awful sight.” – And so after a weeks R&R fool’s back with a new clue in the shape of Clue No.1; “Created by four I felt my way to the top and entertained thousands.”

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

is it me?

Scores at the end of week 39 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those up against it; how do you like it now eh!…

Dracule: 18 (1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 13 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 5 (1 or 1, 1, 1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: unknown…there has to be others…doesn’t there?!

Quote for the week:

Maybe, just once, someone will call me “Sir” without adding, “You’re making a scene.”

Homer Simpson

*Non-descript trivia moment*

DRACONIAN

The term for Draconian derives from DRACO, the Archon at Athens c.621BC. Draco’s laws, ‘written in blood’, prescribed death even for trivial crimes.

fool’s Gold

The Ouija board is named from the French and German words for yes: “oui” and “ja”

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee

Scientist Isaac Newton invented the cat flap

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

Oh tell me what’s the word, oh word up…

The word is CLEAVE which as well as meaning to split or to divide can also mean to stick or to cling to as in ‘Cleaver wanted to cleave to the cleave in her cleavage.”

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Shop doors that go bing-bong or spout some other electronic noise just as crap, as you go in or out. What’s it for? Is it a tick-o-meter, or are all shop-keepers blind or just having a kip out the back – that and the reversing shite sound on cars, vans and lorries – even bikes! – In fact any kind of beeping noise full stop – you, quiet – BASTARDS!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate; good food, good meat, good God let’s eat:

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

fool’s got some t-shirts on offer at the moment, but be quick, this price won’t last – top quality, many different crazy designs only $10.00 – contact fool on the contact page up top. Try these for All Souls Day – speak like a spider…

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; dares not to delve this week as there’s SFA…again.

*Trigger: Melbourne Cup time I’s reckons – you better you better, you bet.

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – fool’s tip: to avoid (clap, clap, clap) “And welcome…” every time you open the site press pause/play and forwards and rewind buttons! – Next one out in Nov!

*Tit-bits – .../...wedding invite…/……/……/……/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week or the week after, hang on, just let me get my shit together)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks, but for now read about an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – Yep, just plug it in, that’s right…

Mr. Meaner... I know someone you don’t know…

Now, you’re just in time for the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

Not much to write home about this week; a few domestics, notably the shite EDF and Top 14, a couple of cup finals and build up to the huge amount of November Tests – we’re gonna need more telly’s!

Worcester went down to Ospreys 37-22 with Gavin Henson back at his best. A pop from Hook saw him glide 40metres with a deathly swerve leaving last man Latham for dead…not leave him dead but left him for dead…!

Sarries cleaned up Northampton Saints 33-19, but it was England hooker Dylan Hartley who found himself in trouble when he cleaned up his opposite number with a forearm smash.

Harlequins came unstuck against London Irish 17-32, with Shane Geraghty playing his first game of the season and Danny Care cementing his No.9 spot for England according to Johnno who’s had his eye on him all and knows his cement.

Gloucester clinched it over the Dragons 25-20, whilst Cardiff returned the favour for Wales with a win over the Tigers 23-9.

Newcastle’s plague of injuries continued with concussion for Jamie Noon as Wasps got their four tries and a bonus point 26-13. Cipriani’s coming on song and indeed Johnno has told him the No.10 spot is his come Nov 8^thagainst the Specifics.

Sale sold out to Bath 21-24 with Kiwi code-swapper Shontayne Hape in the centre sealing things on the 52^nd minute.

Scarlets beat Bristol 27-0 – and to make up for their poor show I’ll show some Bristol’s

By rocket-man over to the continent; Biarritz beat Mont–de-Marsan 33-6 for their first away win this season. Perpignan put up with a fierce Dax pack but got the job done at 17-6 and Montauban beat Clermont for the first time in 50 years 30-25 Sacred bleu!

MB Rudi Coetzee got the only try in Borgain’s 19-12 win over Montpelier and Brive keep heading south in the table with their loss over Bayonne 14-9.

Stade Francais and Toulouse welcomed a 79.000 Parisian crowd to a top draw game at the top of the table with Yannick Jauzion getting Toulouse’s second try to make 2-1 and edging the game 26-13.

And Castres beat Toulon 21-17 – queue tits:

In MB-land; Durban won the Currie Cup for the first time in 12 years and made up for last year’s defeat to the Bulls by beating them 14-9 with their trademark entertaining rugby.

And over/under the silver lining Wellington lost their fifth Air New Zealand Cup final in six years, this time to Canterbury – sorry, don’t recall score.

Some shorts:

The Bledisloe dead rubber is on this weekend, however, it’s a Test and it’s in Hong Kong, and if I were you I’d be expecting some entertaining rugby.

Carter’s playing at 12 and Donald 10, which makes for attacking options, but Gregan’s not fooled, he’s retired of course and Burgess has been given the nod, but even without Lote or dare I say Tahu, the little bald fella is confident, “We feel with any side we play against that there are areas we can exploit.” – He’s a trumpeteer!

New Zealand will win but I’m not sure by how much. Either way both sides embark on their European tour from here; the Aussies racking up 6 tests in total and the Kiwis 5, including one mid-week against Munster, as is tradition.

Both sides, indeed all the touring sides to Europe: Aus, N.Z. M.B’s, S.I’s, Can and the Argies are blooding new folk, but none so young as James O’Connor for Australia – the 18 year-old will be pushed to get a game but he is there for the feel more than anything. Mortlock explains, “Many, many years ago that was how I gained my first experience at this level and Jimmy gets to take the mascot, take Wally around, and hopefully a few of the boys will make his job hard.” – Great, he’s being taken the take the piss out of.

The Kiwis are blooding 7 virgins, and for the fool, he’d like to see how Cory Jane and Scott Waldram go. ‘Eyebrows’ is as confident as usual and states, “We believe that is a very talented team that we have got for this tour.” – Must be shite when you can’t drink though – all that way just to play rugby.

Let’s not forget the MB’s, and, who’s their fly half? There’s no Butch or Peter Grant so it must be scrum half Ruan Pienaar or centre Steyn – who’s going!

On the home front; France say they’re not chopping and changing their side as they did in the Six Nations, Wales are looking to entertain, Scotland are happy they have Lawson back at 9 , Borthwick will captain England and Ireland have been keeping schtum – terrorists – they can’t stop can they – give back schtum, we want schtum!

Uck, go on then – NZ 29-18 Australia

In the RWLC; first round results saw nothing new – Australia are dominating and play a some what out of form England side on Sunday prompting ex 80’s Aussie Benny Elias, hooker – there’s a joke right there, and I’m not talking tarts, who has earned himself cliché man of the century by guffawing that, ‘the whinging Poms couldn’t beat an egg’ – You wonder why I don’t report league!

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup! Curiously he’s had one taker – it could be you!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Australia and India are on day two of the third Test in Dehli, (as fool scribes – 500/6) with opener Gamblin Gambhir resuming on 149*, which doesn’t bode well, seen as India wiped the floor with the world No.1 side in the second Test by 320 runs.

Both teams were at the peak and trough of their game, seeing new lad Mishra sealing seven wickets and Sachin inevitably topping the all time Test run record. Man of the Match MS Dhoni said, “Overall I think it was one of India’s best matches in Test cricket.” – When Ricky was asked if it was one of their worst he replied, “Yeah probably.”

Over on a wealthier side of the world, The Stanford Circus started and it seems to have all gone sour.

England edged past both domestic champs Middlesex and Trinidad & Tobago by 12 runs and one run respectively and that was only because Ravi Rampaul was run out on the final ball.

Ok, sure, the SCG is an uneven pitch, has a slow outfield and low glaring floodlights, but it is Stanford’s playground and by Jiminy has he been getting up traditionalists noses. He flirts with the player’s wives, shakes hands with everyone, strolls into the player’s dressing rooms and kisses babies – Obama and McBain oven chips have nothing on him. Graeme Swann has got him sussed; “He strolls around like he owns the place, which he does.”

Anyway, the players are sick of him, sick of the whole shenanigan, and can’t wait to be on their way to India next week…apart from Graeme Swann who’s having a ball, he missed the part where Matt Prior’s wife sat on Stanford’s knee and giggled her 26 year-old tits off, whilst Matt looked on in horror from behind the stumps as did everyone else on the big screen. When Swann was told afterwards he said, “I went to bed laughing.”

They’ve supposedly got another four years of this kind of tournament! – Bin it.

Question: Who do you trust? The Pakistan cricket board sacked Geoff Lawson for being a “useless person” according to Chairman Ejaz Buttyboy. – That makes it 11 coaches in 10 years – one useless, one murdered.

Question No.2: Who’s swindling who? Monty’s supposed to be going to Sri Lanka for a few games practise before the two Tests v India start in December. As way of compensation for the side, called Bloomfield, for which they have to leave out a player for a couple of games to accommodate Monty – the ECB offered ₤500. Bloomfield laughed and said for club and player they want ₤7,500. ECB laughed back and gave a final offer of ₤1000. – And I’ll have the ring and the watch!

Till next week…

Other sports:

Maradona - Argie boss – you’re ‘aving a giraffe aint yer – His first game in charge should be against Scotland at Hampden Park on 9^th November - I wonder if Guy will be there!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Lindsay Lohan is a lesbo – the fool never knew that, but then this isn’t exactly Hello magazine. She’s been drinking from a chick called Samantha Ronson’s furry cup for 18 months, however, she’s also been telling everyone she still fancies men and a friend of hers said, “She keeps saying if it went wrong with Sam she’d date a guy. She even flirts with guys when they go out. What’s the world coming to when chick’s fancy blokes eh.

Jerry Lee Lewis wouldn’t be having any of it. The 82 year-old “comic” was asked on a recent tout to Australia if he liked cricket, he replied; “Oh, cricket? It’s a fag game. What are you, nuts?” – Apparently it upset some sensitive souls-argh!

because you are you are

One in five Brits dream of having sex at work – 20% do not believe monogamy is desirable, three out of ten did not think it was natural – I don’t know what it is but I’ll try anything once.

Hang on, here’s another one: 27% of British women dream of seducing a pal, 23% dream of seducing a stranger, one in ten flick off to their boss and 45% stick to their partner – how drab. That survey was conducted by McCain Simply Gorgeous Chips – Whatever next – Q.1: Do you take it in the arse, mouth or in the ear when you get home? – A survey by ‘Fruitex’ the nations No.1 car freshener’.

Whilst we’re talking crude and vulgar; Two British DJ’s/comedians/TV personalities Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand are in deep water with the BBC for a radio show prank that went a twiddle too far. I’ll not spout on and on for those who don’t know the characters but basically they phoned up Andrew Sachs 73, who played Manuel in Fawlty Towers and left a message on his answering machine saying Russell had shagged his grand-daughter, which was all well and true, but they were quite explicit, so much so that 27,000 people complained. Russell resigned and Ross has been suspended. However crude it was, which I can assure you it was, such as, “I had her on a swing” and “He’s fucked your grand-daughter.”, “He fucked your grand-daughter over the couch.” Etc… But there was one funny line that tickled the fool when Russell explained his apology when he realised things might have gone too far and said; “I phoned up Andrew Sachs to apologize for a matter live on radio and Jonathan Ross blurted out an expletive regarding Andrew Sachs’s grand-daughter, who I’d, in inverted commas, recently met. I met her brains out!”

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVI! “Coming soon crazy fool and The Outtatuners…?

Purple tomatoes help fight cancer – genetically made by a British boff, they borrow from the genes of the snapdragon flower, which is full of anthocyanins, the chemical that gives black and blueberries their colour. Hey, it works in cancerous ridden mice, so humans are the next stop. – I love blueberries mate.

The honeymoon period lasts approximately 2yrs 6months and 25days then couples get lazy – men start to leave their socks and pants around the house, women dress up less and 54% go without makeup men and women probably these days. John Sewell of onepoll.com says, “Couples still love one another, but are a little too comfortable in each other’s company.” – Damned those happy, comfortable couples! I’m still not allowed to fart in my own house

I love this; In order to clamp down on motorbike traffic in Vietnam authorities have stated that anyone with less that a 28 inch chest size and are either too short or too thin will not be legal to drive. 28 inches is a DD cup in the Nam.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; “At the end of every party there’s always a girl crying.”

A skint woman bought her husband a lottery ticket for his birthday and won a car and ₤150 grand in Serbia. A millionaire banker in London also won a million quid a year for life on a scratch card – do it now.

But if you’re still not sure in this credit crunched globe then get a raven, as King Charles II of England said some 350 years ago; that the Tower of London should always have six ravens on the go or the nation would fall to disaster. The Tower has recently brought in four reserves. Raven Master Derrick Coyle 64 said, “I believe in the curse. It was said that if the number ever fell below six, the Tower would fall and great harm would befall the nation. We certainly feel more secure now.” – Hmmm, raven or scratch card, raven or scratch card…

A new drink for smokers to beat the fag ban in Britain is called Liquid Smoking, and has been a hit in Holland for a year - no surprise there then. It contains 15% nicotine derived from an African herbal extract and offers, ‘a slight energising effect plus a euphoric sense of feeling and relaxation.’ Guillame Van Gansven from the Dutch company who makes it says,” It is an ideal healthier alternative to cigarettes.”

While you’re on it you could probably see Epsilon Eridoni the planet where the Vulcan Spock comes from. Nasa expert Mark Kuchner has just seen it through a telescope and says, “I wouldn’t be surprised if 7 or 8 planets orbit Epsilon Erodoni. One of those could be habitable.” – Dude, crack me another Liquid Smoke.

If you’re feeling too relaxed try a ‘Son of Viagra’ a pill that works twice as quick as it’s daddy, now being researched by boff Francesco Sasso at Rome’s Sacred Heart University. The pill is apply named Avanafill, yes please… oh hang on, it won’t be available for another 5 years, till then take the daddy for breakfast and wear baggy shorts.

007’s Quantum of Solace comes out this week and here are some facts taken from a poll of 25000. Sean Connery would be roger-in Ursula Andress alias Honey Rider from Dr. No. in an Aston Martin DB5 with Jaws looking through a Golden Eye as femme fatal Xenia Onatopp bashes up Pierce Brosnan outside. There’d be a jetpack somewhere with Wings singing Live and let Die and Moonraker would snatch the best line from Q; “I think he’s attempting re-entry” as Roger comes to grips with Dr. Holly Goodhead. The best stunt was Roger’s parachute ski thing in The Spy Who Loved Me and Honor Blackman gets the best name as Pussy Galore in Goldfinger whilst Craig Daniel, the second favourite Bond wins the best fight from the opening scene of Casino Royale with cheese.

On that note let’s leave you with a lovely story from the once fattest man in the world; Mexican Manuel Uribe 43 who hasn’t left his bed for six years has just got married to long time girlfriend, and quite normal it has to be said, Claudia Solis. The man shed 40st for the big day, but still had to be taken to the ceremony on a flatbed truck. Manuel wore a silk tent with a canopy on his four poster bed, which was especially reinforced and draped in flowers and golden bows. 400 guests marvelled as the man who once weighed 1,230lbs (560kg’s) lost 250kg’s said, “I have a wife and will form a new family and live a happy life.” – Here’s to you and your normal bride Manuel – cheers yer fat bastard!