Crazy Fool's Newsround - 24th - 30th sept 2010 volume 399

24th - 30th sept 2010 volume 399
September, 29th 2010 22:55 PM

“Keep it all out of sight

Undercover

Keep it all out of sight

Undercover of the night”

(Rolling Stones)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 30.9.10

For 101 Engineer Regiment (Explosive ordnance Disposal) (Volunteer)

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

Swingers having a ball

Feuding nudists have rocked a tiny village in the south of France.

The Mediterranean paradise, Cape d’Agde consisting of au naturel beaches, a campsite, restaurants, bars and a bank has attracted ‘swinger exhibitionists’ that flamboyantly denounce the etiquette of the sedate nudist resort.

The Nuevo naturists frolicking and cavorting behaviour has got the unclad stalwarts hot under their proverbial collar.

Pockets of ‘nude terrorists’ have retaliated with arson attacks on nearby sex clubs that have sprung up in the area, causing Councillor Florence Demestebe to fair on the side of traditional disrobing, claiming, “When the sun shines, there is an area of Cape d’Agde, which turns into the European capital of sex.”

That’s cape d’Agde, in southern France – co-ordinates; 43. 17.50 N3 deg 31.40 E

Meanwhile Surrey County Council in England are seeking to rid doggers from the popular Hog’s Back lay-by in Puttenham Guildford by putting bulls there. Campaigner to close the lay-by all together Julie Perkins says the idea is ‘udderly ridiculous’ – I’m sorry, I have a cold.

New York, London, Paris, Munich…

Chernobyl has become one of the worlds sought after tourist attractions piping in an average 400 day tripper. US Forbes magazine states it, ‘among the world’s unique places to visit.’

Signs at the nuclear disaster site remind people not to touch anything, do not eat or smoke, do not sit down or put your belongs on the ground; in fact, avert your eyes, turn back now while you’ve go the chance, I hope you paid using credit card by internet transaction and not cash on entrance…

didn't affect me

Scapel, knuckle duster

A German surgeon beat up his anaesthetist because he was feeling tired. The un-named anaesthetist had performed 5 straight procedures and was thinking of going home.

Ear, nose and throat specialist Dr. Haken Bayel caught wind of his rant’s and over the fifth patient’s sleeping body and so called him an arsehole then punched him in the face.

Further blows warranted a very sincere apology, a 9000 Euro fine and 3000Euros to a local charity. The patient didn’t wake up during the procedure.

Just happy

1 in a 100 British are gay; at 480,000 and only 245,000 are bisexuals. Not, as a hoodwinked government in 2005 predicted to be as much as 6-9% or perhaps 3.6 million.

Norman Wells front the family Education Trust now has serious questions to the taxpayer’s money that went to fund numerous functions and adventures such as gay parades.

Although Ruth Hunt from an opposition organisation diffutes such a census as the tactic of house calling and telephoning may not have been accurate on the proviso that those at home may not yet be ‘out’.

I’m sure the kids had an inclination when they saw their dad in leather cheekless Leidenho’s slapping a 6ft 8” hairy builder’s chaps on a float at Bolton’s Screaming Parade may have been a clue…again.

And neither is my partner

The job that really sucks

Robbers in France are stealing money by vacuuming the loot. The vacuum Burglars have struck again, read a Paris newspapers headline.

The cash is extracted by drilling a hole in a ‘protective tube’ where rolls of cash are sucked from the Monoprix Supermarket’s tills and into a safe room.

This is the 15^th time a Monoprix Supermarket has been hit. A spokesman from the police said, “They have spotted a weakness in the company’s security system and have been exploiting it ever since.”

Search the ‘swinger exhibitionists’ down at the Cape.

(Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Whoa, the nips are getting bigger can be taken any way you wish’

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said:

‘Yes, I would love to be on your upcoming radio show.’

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I bought some Armageddon cheese today and it said on the packet, ‘best before end’.

If you’re looking for Brummies finest it’s gone to the trivia page – Play of the Day etc – it was getting a bit crowded here…more added this week!

Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news

*A man from Michigan was arrested after fighting with his pet parrot he keeps in his rucksack. It seems the two had an argument, which got out of hand. The man was apprehended whilst rolling on the street floor shaking the bird violently, as his feathered friend pecked his eyes out.

*Birds in New Zealand are to have deodorants made for them, as they are attracting too many predators. Indigenous breeds, such as the kiwi emits a ‘mushroom or ammonia’ smell and the kakapo parrot a ‘musty rucksack’ smell.

*Females dressed in bikinis and running shoes will race for a £3000 prize at the opening the summer’s horse racing season at Australia’s Gold Coast Turf Club. Chief exec Grant Sheather said, “When you think of ‘Gold Coast’, you think of beach, you think of girls and you think of bikinis, it’s a marketing ploy to build racing.”

*In China’s Hefei Wildlife Park four year old male Yangyang married 6 year-old Wanxing. Both were clothed in bright colours and Wanxing wore a hat. And there was me thinking they just masturbated a lot, fucked everything that moved and used tools to eat ants.

*Police in Albany, Western Australia have issued a warning to the unknown boy who is riding Southern Right whales off the coast; ‘It can be dangerous.’

Number crunching

*Britain’s sauce is getting spicier. In the £28million business hot sauces, such as lime pickles and Wasabi are up 10% compared Ketchup’s 1%. – What about puncture’s!

*27 year-old Kim Jung-Un has been promoted as a 4 star general, succeeding his father Kim Jung II, who himself succeeded his father, Kim-Il- Sung in 1980. Kim Jung II’s sister, 64 year-old Kim Kyung Hui will advice the young Kim. At least she’s a Kim, that’s a girl. It would be like being called Lesley – Les is ok, but Lesley…for a bloke!

*Germany will pay back the last installment of reparation money owed from WWI. The last £59.5million goes largely to Belgium and France. The 1919 Treaty of Versailles agreed 226 billion Reichmarks (£24b) to be dished out, mostly among private individuals, pension funds and corporate debentures. – And that gives Europe the right to tell British army bandsmen they must now wear ear plugs.

*Cadbury’s infamous ‘glass and a half’ slogan, iconic for 82 years, has been scrapped by the EU and told to read, ‘The equivalent of 426ml of fresh liquid milk in every 227g of milk chocolate.’ – I blame Quinten Tarrantino.

*The Pinkettes team won the 80m dash relay in stiletto’s in Sydney at 1min 4secs. The girls in 7.5cm heels are now on their way to celebrate in Phuket…ooh, maybe they’ll need a condo!

*At just 2 and half Karan Singh is 4ft 5”. His mum is Asia’s tallest woman at 7ft 2” and plays in India’s basketball team – well, at least they’ve got high ceilings. And dad is a piddely 6ft 7”. They’re one day hoping to become the world’s tallest family. They’ll have a normal sized kid next and call her Alice.

*Farmer, David brown from Lincolnshire has grown Europe’s biggest pumpkin crop of 3million. He has 100 workers harvesting the crop at 100,000 a day to be ready for Halloween. “When you’re carving out your pumpkin this year, think about us harvesting it in the wind and rain.” He said – Yeah, at 100,000 a day, picked by 100 eastern Europeans on an egg and one leaf of spinach a week, whilst you toddle off to Tesco collecting your bucket loads of magic beans, Oh, we’ll be thinking of you. You know there’s a lake in Germany where fair maidens hollow out giant pumpkins and row across it in order to celebrate the pumpkin harvest, but no, you want us to worry about you in a field getting wet for squillian quid an hour – bloody farmers always pleading poverty and hardship…worse than teachers - I’ve a good mind to give you some of my mind mate…

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz