And so he went on. But just like Grace Slick to Starship, a decent Fleetwood Mac band to some crud with a swishy gypsy skirt in the form of Stevie frump-bags-made-to-look-sauce Nick's, not to mention Marathon's to Snicker's, and most recently Uzi to sushi! Sushi? I ask ya...who kills anyone with sushi? Ashes to Ashes - at least there's no change there, thank crickety almighty. But used to be eh? It's just that - a simple used to be. A Samurai's sword might be the hoodoo of hammered iron-ore and molten steel perfection, used for lopping off one's head, but alas not much of a call for it these days therefore the sword's days are numbered, commissioned now to be only the master of his own imprisonment in a glass cabinet on some overblown, grandiloquent, la-di-bloody-la's oak panelled poncy weapon's collectors wall off a B road somewhere near Chertsey. Used to be's will always be a thing of the past, but they are what mould our future. Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and move on cos Carrie doesn't live here anymore! 

But you can hang around for these:

1. ‘I could have been someone. I could have been a contender." Who said that and in what film?

2. What is Ian Botham's middle name?

3. In which newspaper was it announced that English cricket had died, leading to competition for the Ashes?

4. Which religious ceremony comes from the Greek word for ‘to dip'?

5. Number 22 in bingo is represented by a pair of little what?

6. Why does a glow worm glow?

7. In the song, what colour rose is linked with Texas?

8. In the 2000 film version of Charlie's Angels name the three actresses who played the angels?

Ok, seek in ye olde http://www.cfnr.co.uk/  under comps and results and thout shall find yay's spiritually guided answeristic view of the point of the last week's nutcracker.

Meanwhile this week's WHO AM I?  Clue # ►◄♫♪ was going to be written in Vietnamese (Quak, quak, quak), instead cf has denied himself the pleasure - oh, the pleasure, and opted for Greek - "۩ Щ Ы Ю Љ π Џ А Б Σ Ψ Ω." - Uck, who am I kidding, have in Viet-ish, "Toi ten la thuyen truong chim mat"

Is it me?

cf woke up this morning, put on his coffee and smelt sponsors, praise the Lord for; Pacharan, GTM, Fosters, Vasco's Blue Gecko and Inkslinger Tattoo's.

Meanwhile spouting the jib in this week's weekly arousement on cfn is *Digger and his jabber to the ribs. *Trigger, who is busy keeping many punter afloat - word is even Punter himself has been catching a read in between back spasms. *Comps & results have some results and comps. *Grub-up is served. *Poetry Corner is this week dedicated - not sure who to, but it's dedicated. *Tit-bits this week is full of extraordinary bits of tits. Then there's the *Archives, *T.I.V. and a new Aussie team in the *Ashes - catch it, and the *Bongo Massif Bro's only in your crazy fool's newsround.

One Bongo Massif Bro

World news will follow the sport, naturally.

Ok, as customary let's kick off with rugby, and Robbo's gone eh, long gone. Well, officially he isn't yet. The English big wigs are just finding a way in cutting the ‘resignation' costs. But either way you look at it, he's gone and it'll cost around £300k - that's about 127,000 beer tokens to get rid of him!!!

 

News in on the hot template is that the Robinson has indeed quit - read his full statement in this week's sport update.

Going

But back to the farcical stuff:

As in probably all 9 of their 22 games they (England) have won in the last couple of years they really did play quite a good first half. (Arghh, isn't that sweet!) The players really do look...umm...good, for want of an easier word. The fitness doesn't seem to be a problem. Just back to the players for a second, yes, you read it right, the majority, give or take a couple of Christian-esque's to the lions in the form's of Flood, and the earlier years Tait, (playing the advantage on this gargantuan sentence ref), the majority are good enough. - Will now give you time to ponder / laugh.

What went wrong?

Had enough chortling? Back to the game.

Andy ‘Spoc-like' Goode hit some nails on the head when he said about Saturday's and previous games, "Throughout all the games it has been the same every week, too many basic errors."

Corry wiped his eye and echoed the beast Goode's words, "This is difficult to take. We made silly errors that gave them territory and possession." - And what do they make Corry? - Yep, prizes.

It is as simple as Jonno said a couple of week's ago - "Sometimes you need to freshen it up." - He was of course referring to No.1 the boss - get rid of him, and also No.2 Older players such as Skipper Corry, White and Kay.  Perhaps not get rid of them but rest them. Listening and playing with the same old shite for 5 or 6 years can take the preverbal variety out of the chicken massala!

Ironically, and despite bloke down the pub who say's it'll be an Ireland New Zealand final in France, despite that, England's best performance was against the Blacks, and in hindsight not a particularly bad one.

cf'd just like to take this opportunity to apologise for banter-ing on so much about England, even when they are crap. But does he have reason, is he still barracking them for a WC win in France? Why not ask him what he's offering on the venture stakes.

I'll leave England's leadership plight and might by telling you the fact that Jonno will not take Robbo's job. Dean Richards is favourite at the moment, but as Dewi Morris said, "With Wells(forward coach), Ford (defensive coach) and Ashton (attacking coach) all over seen by Andrew, why do we need anyone else?" - I'd like Kylie!

Ok, Australia finished their tour with a better performance and win over, a has to be said, off beat Scotland. Let's be fair here, Scotland are not going to win the world cup, and if you think Australia are faring or indeed have fared any better than England in the last couple of years you're probably American!

By no means a dig at Aus, just realistic in the terms of who are going to turn up tomorrow and beat the almost perfect and best team right now, and probably best team ever! - The All Blacks? Are the Irish going to do it - have they got the strength in depth? Or who would love a bet on the Argies knocking em over?

When Jerry Collins was asked, if not being able to perform the Haka on the pitch after the Welsh anthem, as opposed to having to do it before, as was the case, the Blacks subsequently did it in the changing room. He said of the matter, "If you want to know if it was a motivating factor, just take a look at the scoreline." - 3-45 - nuff said.

I've ranted on about rugby too much this week. I'll leave you with the Aussies Golden Try over New Zealand the scum bag league game, for them to win the Tri-Nations. 16-12 Darren Lockyer won the Golden Boot, giving him all three in the season - For Brisbane, Queensland and in the Tri-Nations. He said, "You always want to win everything, but I looked at it and thought, that's a bit ambitious." -m Then I went out for bit of rape and pillaging.

DURBAN'S BREAD

Coming soon.

 

 

And now this...

Right, cricket, and in no particular order or with any rhyme or reason here are the facts: Freddie talks on his, and probably the poorest shot of the game; "I played a poor shot, simple as that."

On some cheap shots of soap opera material questions as to whether the captaincy is taking a strain: "When I'm in the middle with a ball or a bat in my hand, all I'm thinking about is either hitting it or bowling it." - Argh, the bold and the beautiful.

bold / beautiful?

Andrew Strauss reckons Freddie‘ll take the Aussies in a fist fight, he said, "Fred could take three Aussies down, Steve Harmison would get stuck into two, I would take one, but there are some big guys in their squad." - I'm pretty sure that 6ft 4, 15 stone Fred would take 5ft8 ,10 stone potato head Punter in a square up.

Pair of tossers

But let's go back to Harmy's first ball - straight to 2^nd slip! Punter said, "That first ball gave everyone in our team a lift, because it showed the English were nervous."

On a bit of up-hill gardening talk he burped, "I have heard about that homesick stuff, but if he was that insecure, he probably wouldn't be the bowler he has been for some time."

Giles recounts the mood on that moody Thursday morning: "We were pretty tense. The bus was a quiet place this morning on the way to the ground. This was the first day of the Ashes series and you can't really prepare for that. It has been the most hyped series of all time. It is a great honour to play in but it adds extra pressure. " - cf says get on with it you tart.

Punter on England's first day; "A spray gun start and an inability to swing the ball."

And can anyone tell me why Monty was left out? His coach Nick Cook asks, "The decision to leave Monty out simple beggar's belief. It is a negative decision and sends out a lot of wrong messages - not least to the Australian side. We have gone into the match with the intention of drawing it. And if you do that in any sporting contest, 99 times out of 100 you lose." - They should've listened to you  Nick.

Mike Atherton said of the decision, "amazing".

Kp on Warne - "Fuck off"..."You fuckwit."

Colly on KP and Warne, "You're facing world class bowlers but also people trying to get inside your mind. I'm sure KP and Warne will kiss and make up." - Err, yuk! He goes on, "It was good proper Test cricket."

Rewind back to Harmy; "I froze and let the enormity of the occasion get to me. It all seemed so alien to me. My whole body was nervous. I couldn't get my hands to stop sweating. The first ball slipped out of my hands, the second did as well after that, I had no rhythm, nothing. Given the chance in the second Test on Friday, I will do everything in my power to get it right." - Tart!

Back to a nugget, and Colly on Sunday's English performance; "We played some positive cricket and it's done our confidence a lot of good. We rode our luck a little but put our opposition under a lot of pressure by playing aggressively. It was about fighting and showing pride and a bit of passion." - I'd want him on my side in a fist fight.

Well played tiger

He then went on to say what a crap shot he played to Warne to get out, and that he always gets a bit excited when he's in the 90's. - Shouldn't be playing cricket at that age.

guess who

Justin Langer, who really has come to the party with 82 and 100*, applauded Colly and KP and said their innings was ‘fantastic' and an ‘aggressive spectacle of courage.' - It was. They did get 153 off 35 overs!

guess who 2

Forget the English bowlers, that's pretty obvious, let's look t the Aussies; has Brett turned up yet? Is Warney on form? And has old man McGrath really got a sore heel?

Here's what Punter says of McGrath; "What a fantastic job he did. His bowling in the first innings was just superb. With champion players like him you know you're going to get that week in and week out." - Pretty accurate Punts, but are we going to get it week in week out? Is the old man fit for 5 Tests? Or is he a specialist one innings bowler? Clark has been doing the job - he's the man!

Back to Monty, and Beefy says, "Why isn't he playing?"

Back to Harmy, and Punter's view on him and the second test; "I think Harmy got better through the game - but he had to get better I guess! He is completely a rhythm bowler and if that's wrong the radar can be a bit out." With a look at Adelaide he says, "We can't afford to take our foot off the accelerator. There's not much time for England to get their game in order. We'll be right back on track on Friday, and there's a really good feeling around the group."

Freddie's sums up England's start; "We just started a little slowly and Australia put us under a lot of pressure from the word go and played some good cricket. We just took our time to get into the game."

KP on Warne, war and cricket; "There were no smiles, no friendly banter. He's playing for his country and I'm playing for my country. It's the biggest series we're probably ever going to play in, so you just play really hard, really tough cricket."

Lastly Punter has a snigger at KP SW; "It looks like it could be an on going battle it's something the players and all the fans can look forward to." - Damned right big fella.

smoke Warnes?

Separate snippet; Pakistani batsman Yousuf Khan just got his 8^th test ton in the calendar year, overtaking Viv Richards and Aravida de Silva's record. He put 102 past the Windies in Karachi, and said, "I am delighted to be able to pass Viv's record, and to be ranked alongside him. He's the greatest player of the century." -Oh why don't you laud yourself up a bit mate - you're good, but no Viv.

Jeez, what's cf on this week? - Freakin word juice!

Welshman Joe Calzaghe will make his 20^th defence of the WBO world super-middleweight against T.V show's reality fighter Peter Manfredo on 3^rd March in Cardiff's Millennium Stadium. - Let Freddie fight him.

Ok, World news:

A laid back posture is better than sitting up straight! Doc Wasim Amir Bashir from Woodend Hospital Aberdeen (Where they speak better English than the English - not the hospital but in Aberdeen) said, "A 135 degree body-thigh sitting posture is demonstrated to be the best bio-mechanical sitting position, as opposed to a 90 degree position, which was considered normal." - What are you doing sitting up straight boy? Slouch!

Like this.

Notorious Mama san Heidi Fleiss is opening an escort agency for women, which is going to be called, ‘Heidi's Stud Farm' on the books is none other than Iron Mike Tyson, and as he said, "it's every man's dream to please women and get paid for it.' - is he going to fight them or fuck em?

Client no.1

Brett Favre is 37....Oh, and he's the quarter back for the Green Bay Packers. What? You want more? Ok, he's played 251 straight games! - As he says, "The fact I've played in every game since ‘92' is amazing. You'd think something would happen for me to miss a game, but up until this point I've survived." - That is amazing, but shouldn't this be in the sports section?

Now thats amazing

A recent ‘unofficial' poll in the UK found that 3 out of 5 people in England and half the population in Scotland want home rule. Forget Sir Paul's and bitch face Heather's divorce settlement; this 300 year marriage break-up will cost billions, and not just on home soil. Do nothing consulate houses all over the world will have to be reformed. Next the Welsh will want to live above ground!

On a more poignant note the Brits have guzzled their way through 8 billion tins of Heinz tomato soup. Since it arrived on Blighty's shores in 1910 the John Bull's of the world have eaten enough to fill the Hoover Dam 45 times and it would take 10 hours to flow down the Thames.

no soup? say it with flowers

Men are more likely to get testicular cancer if they are over 6ft. and less likely if less than 5ft 8! There's even a 40% more chance between 5ft 8 and 6ft. Tests were carried out on 1,700 servicemen in Maryland, I don't think it belongs to her anymore,. And further results did find that women are highly unlikely to get testicular cancer at any height.

You gotta have balls

Chicago Cubs paid a record club fee for Alfonso Soriano at £77m. But that's not the country's biggest fee that goes to Alex Rodriguez at £144m.

who threw that?

Ok, right, let's have a look...Brits have more accidents on 27^th November than any other day - according insurance claims. What's it in your country?

oops

A man pill has been developed that you can take hours before sex. It's not like the others, this one leaves no hot flushes and mood swings. But it has chemicals in it that last a few hours and prevents ejaculation - what's the point - wham bam, footballs on.

shit, forgot photo - next week!

Pam has divorced from Kid Rock after only 4 months! She cited ‘irrecognisable differences.' Yeah, no doubt cos you're always down that photographer, with the made up name's pad starkers at 4 or 5 in the morning love.

grrr

Brit women spend 8 years of their lives shopping. That's at a rate of 301 trips to the shops a year, including 84 for food, 30 for clothes, 27 for toiletries, 15 for shoes and 18 for accessories. That's at 3,148 - 9-5 days or 25,184 hours over 63 years. Only 24 Christmas shopping days left folks.

take the car

Men, don't bother cutting down on smoking - it doesn't help. Apparently you've either gotta give up completely or smoke, smoke, smoke.

Noel Gallagher used to smoke a bit, amongst other stuff. And this week confessed that too many drugs make your teeth fall out. He's not recanting his hacienda days, but is relishing in the 8 and a half years that he's been drug free. He said, "Where we come from in Manchester it was the done thing and I've never had a problem with it. The one thing that is bad about drugs is that you drink more and that eventually messes you up, I think" cf says ‘just cf it!'

Alan ‘Fluff' Freeman died this week aged 79 - a radio icon of memorable proportions - not arf mate.

greetings pop pickers

And lastly; born this week, an incredible, 35 years ago was...dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, duuuuun...the internet. Brit IT programmer Ray Tomlinson sent the first email message back in 1971. He said, "The text message was entirely forgettable and I have, therefore, forgotten it. Most likely the first message was QWERTYUIOP or something similar." Or was it a question like, when sign makers go on strike - what is written on the picket sign?

And this is what happened

Things aint what they used to be.

cf