24th - 30th June 2011 v438
June, 29th 2011 14:25 PM

“You know I smoked a lot of grass

Oh Lord! I popped a lot of pills”

(Steppenwolf)

 


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Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 30.6.11                                           

For Elements of: 1 Military Intelligence Brigade

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

 
www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

Smoking out the truth

In a quest to determine whether William Shakespeare used cannabis his body will be exhumed by South African palaeontologist Francis Thackery.

 

Remaining teeth and bones contain adequate matter what is left of the 16th century writer to provide evidence of the contents contained in the wordsmith’s pipe.

 

Francis is convinced it wasn’t just old shag he dabbled in saying; ‘I firmly believe from my previous studies that Shakespeare was a user of cannabis. I think some of his writings include cryptic references to drugs, and it could be what helped him paint such vivid images with his words.’

 

However, all is not favourable in Francis’ delving of enlightenment and reasoning, as the bard’s tomb inscription reveals, ‘Good friend for Jesus sake forebeare/ to dig the dust enclosed here/ blessed the man that spares these stones/ and cursed be he that moves my bones.

 

This clearly hasn’t put off Francis whom states, ‘We are confident that we would complete our work without moving a single bone.’

 

Purists, however, are confident the only entwinement of magical inspiration Shakespeare had with euphoric encounters to enhance his creative abilities were his staple mix of Jane Hathaway and an artistic bent.

 

Wat-er palava!

Indian man Kailash Singh hasn’t had a shower for 37 years, nor has he cut his dreads or beard following advice from a guru who advised him such abstinence would produce a longed for son.

 

Kailash quit washing the day after his wedding in 1974 and has since sired seven daughters.

 

Unperturbed he takes a ‘fire bath’ every evening which consists of smoking marijuana, praying to the Hindu God Shiva and dancing round the camp fire.

 

Despite several attempts by his family to douse the man’s spirits with a cleansing rinse, Kailash has avoided a dunking in the local stream and lives with the daily taunts from children in his village.

 

‘There are many people who have poor character who mock me for not washing. They do not understand my decision but I will not change my mind, as it is God’s choice, not mine.’

 

Off camera Kailash whispered pleadingly, ‘With a wife seven daughters, what chance do I get to use the bathroom!’

Extreme measures couldn’t sway Kailash

 

Shafted

A Gladiator’s death 1800 years ago turned out to be the result of a dodgy referee’s decision.

 

Etched on Diodorus’s tombstone in Turkey, it reads, ‘cunning treachery’ accompanied with an image of a gladiator holding two swords towering over a fallen man who is seemingly begging for mercy.

 

The inscription continues, ‘After breaking my opponent Demetrious I did not kill him immediately. Fate and cunning treachery of the Summa Rudis killed me.’

 

The Summa Rudis was the top flight gladiator designated to referee bouts and according to Professor Michael Carter from Brock University in St Catherine’s, Canada the Summa Rudis fell foul to fair play, which swung Diodorus’ providence out of reach.

 

‘What the Summa Rudis has done is stepped in and stopped the fight, allowed Demetrious to get back up again, take back his shield, take back his sword and resume the fight.’ Said the Professor

 

Demetrious went on to win the fight, which Prof Carter surmises held Demetrious tandem to a blessing of fate that can only stem from being shafted by ‘the long arm of the law’ or as the Summa Rudis translates, ‘something rude’.

 

Did you say a minky?

A 270lb woman has been found guilty of stealing an entire mink coat by hiding it in her underwear.

 

Stephanie Moreland hid the $6,500 coat, stolen from a store in Twin Cities US, in custom made knickers then spent three days in custody before finally confessing.

 

At first staff at the department store quizzed Stephanie, but she nonchalantly lifted her dress and walked away. Only when police found the coat hangar in her car was she arrested on suspicion.

 

After three days sweating it out in the local jail Stephanie finally caved in under pressure when another inmate, arrested on illegal fur trapping, disclosed her trade with intimate detail.

 

Weak joke for art’s sake

Artist Miru Kim finally overcame the chronic shyness of her body by being photographed naked in abandoned buildings.

 

Whether she is photographed in the catacombs of Paris or on the suspension cables of the Manhattan Bridge, Miru 30, regards her art, as a, ‘performance aspect that is becoming increasingly important.’

 

She continues, ‘As I got used to being naked in urban ruins I felt these spaces transform from dangerous to peaceful, from stranger to familiar.’

 

Her next assignment is to team up with Millie Brown who vomits coloured paint over a white screen.

 

Millie regurgitates coloured milk to the operatic tunes of Patricia Hammond and Zita Syme. Together they aim to shed awareness of the current world’s plight by bombarding the White House with a message of peace reading, ‘So what if I can’t spell Armagedon, it’s not the end of the world.’

 

 

 (Quick sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘After nervously scraping the barrel to find something to go with paint spewing naked artists who strut around building sites flaunting their multi-coloured imperialism to uninterested nation the only sense of realism I could conjure out of the whole gig was my old school friend Gemma who really did eat paint in our art lessons and went on to marry Gary Numan, yet even twinged  on that twisted loop of speeding off to Gemma’s world and playing are friends electric I, as always thought of speed songs, such as Speed King by Deep Purple and Canned Heat’s Amphetamine Annie there was no choice – Millie, Miru and Gemma, this for you.

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)


 

What they’ve recently said: ‘I must confess I do actually listen to the Half Hour radio show.’ – Terry Wogan

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I was walking home the other night. A man came out of the doorway. He said, ‘have you seen a policeman ‘round here?’ I said, ‘no’. He said, ‘stick ‘em up’.

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

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Next event to be posted ASAP…

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Animal news

*Yoda is officially the ugliest looking dog in the world. The small rat-sized Chihuahua possesses scruffy tufts of hair, a protruding tongue and gangly legs, which must be said, sounds like my old maths teacher.

 

*The World Testicle and Aphrodisiac Cooking Championships take place this week and will be dedicated to Kate Middleton and Prince William. Hosted by Serbian chef Lyubomir Erovic, who is self taught in the art of testy delights, says an array of dishes will be served from Bull, boar, camel, ostrich and kangaroo. Many dishes taken from his book, Cooking with Balls include, sautéed, battered and barbequed with giblets. Lyubomir also explains any old bollocks can be eaten – except human. So, Yoda, yes, a delicacy be yours for ours to dine.

 

Number crunching

 *A 6ft 8” 20 year old peeping tom has been arrested after being found hiding in a porter-loo at a community yoga and music festival in Colorado. He was actually in the loo, not just in the cubicle but stuffed down the actual lav, wearing only a pair of trousers, bit of muck and a dirty grin. Meanwhile England’s Glastonbury festival has been cancelled next year on account of not having enough porter-loo’s because they’ll all be used up by the Olympics – plenty of Tom’s on the lookout there I suspect. 

*The most expensive cooking pot costs £380k. Complete with pure gold handles and a lid on top, 13 diamonds are also embossed on each handle then the 738gram pot is delivered to your house by Rolls Royce. You can buy it from Zhuo Zhan Dept Store in Chang Chun, China’s Lilin province.

*59 year-old James Richard robbed a bank in Verone North Carolina for $1.00 because he needed to go to prison for the healthcare. The man’s got a growth on his chest, two ruptured discs and a gammy foot. ‘If it’s called manipulation then it is out of necessity because I need medical care, I guess I am manipulating the courts to get medical care.’

*Women’s ‘gaydar’ system is as accurate as it’s ever been. Just by looking at a man’s face during ovulation women can detect if a man will sire them kids. University Toronto studied 40 females with 80 pictures of men whom half were straight and half gay. Another 40 were stimulated with a romantic story then shown the pictures and correct percentages rose even further. If I had the percentages I would tell you but in my haste I don’t, so we’ll move on.

*Most stressful time for a mother is 5.55p.m. – That’s when they have to make the tea for the family as well as pick up the kids from their after school clubs.

*Russian woman Fagilyn Mukhametzyanov was 49 when she died and loved ones were about to bury hery her. However, 12 minutes she woke up at her own funeral and medics rushed her back to hospital where she died from the same bad heart that killed her before – confused? Good, because so am I.

I’m off – come on Brutus

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

Just cf it

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page

 

 

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