Crazy Fool's Newsround - 24th-30th August '07 volume 247

24th-30th August '07 volume 247
August, 30th 2007 10:43 AM

productions presents

That was the week weren’t it…

On the 25^th December 1914 my Grandad would’ve nearly been four, but ‘part from that, Private Frank Sumpter of the London Rifle Brigade was sat in his trench in…some mud-hole in Ypres I think it was, where Tommy and Jerry were getting all pally, what with it being Christmas an’ all, thus fragmentations of armistice were flying about all over the place. In one of these bouts of lamentable leisure Jerry stuck up a sign which read ‘Gott mit uns’, which means ‘God is with us’. Frank seizing the moment promptly replied, ‘We’ve got mittens too.” – He never did find out if they got the joke!

Frank could’ve been Private fool. – It maybe August but somewhere in the world it’s Christmas – isn’t it!

merry christmas frank

On that Noel let’s don the quiz:

1. What film does the opening song appear in?

2. Who had hits with My Perfect Cousin and Jimmy Jimmy?

3. Ergasiophobia is a fear of what?

4. In which country is the city Tbilisi?

5. What is the fastest land mammal over a short distance? A) Cheetah B) Pronghorn- antelope C) White-tailed gnu

6. What is the name of the ship sailed by Captain Pugwash?

7. What is matzo?

8. Name the Disney characters that song the following songs on film. A) Bare Necessities B) When you wish upon a star C) Whistle while you work.

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results – Did you hear that – all the answers and more!

WHO AM I? – ‘Born in Scotland in 19 O’Chocolate, I had the same name as my father, which had a ring to it.’

is it me?

Now folks let’s hear it for…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine, sangria, mojito, live music, amazing food – what more do you want? – See what’s on every Wednesday in the *classifieds – under, ooh, entertainment, restaurants…

GTM: Back by popular demand; this furniture manufacturer has probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: August’s meat tray is out and about – lamb shanks on offer here – get em while their on the bone, they’re lovely – mind you I had the veal chops the other day and they rock - check dem and more out in de *classifieds.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds.

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant – is it nearer to you?

More, more, more and more stuff in the *classifieds pages now – something for the weekend?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

*Digger’s winding up the clock in time for round 22, which comes direct to you this week from Digger’s brain, which has just got over round 21.

*Trigger is just on fire with the Down Under gee gee’s – he had a hit with every race last week – if you’re not on board then saddle up now…or fuck off!

*Tit-bits have all the arrays of self pleasing tantalisers from around the world.*Grub – Up has dealt the Cameron Diaz lips, now, have you tried them? *Fishman’s got another fishy tale coming soon (Next week he tells me, when he lands again on terrafirma) and *Bongo Massif Bro’s are about to drum up something special…listen to this space…

Mr. Meaner…has been considerably quiet.

now this

But now; what did happen in last week’s doormat insect?

It’s a week of training camps in Lisbon, London and Lourdes from now on, bar the odd minnow team who’ll scrape a quick scrap with a local club side before certain exit at the end of September – are you still keeping your money on Ireland?

Let’s not jump the gun here, but a formidable side a few months ago their (Ireland) seemingly flash in the pan of all rounded teamwork is in need of a severe dousing of the Lourdes holy stuff, because without the man they call God, i.e. B.O.D, they are looking to be quite dangerously lost in France…alone. – Bonnie Tylor wasn’t it?

They scratched by 23-20 to a rollicking Italy in Ravenhill Belfast by the skin of their lily white and hideously freckled pegs. Boss, Eddie O’Sullivan was none too chuffed, he wailed at full time, “We didn’t get into a rhythm out there. It was stop-start in the first half. We needed to ratchet it up in the second half, but we didn’t do that.” – Belfast; it’s safe now apparently!

On Saturday Scotland went down to those miserable dirty murdering bastards South Africa 27-3 – and you know what – I watched it, I enjoyed it, I seem to remember Scotland being remarkably outplayed but did quite well, but who am I kidding…I can’t remember a thing and I have no notes! – Go Scotland and up yours ‘Is-it’s’.

France I do recall soundly beating the Welsh at the Millennium 34-7 with yet another changed side and yet another demanding performance. They played cool – French cool, which is not a determination but cool like watching them in the 80’s cool – fired and composed forwards with attacking backs. – That really hurt to say all that!

Laporte was happy, he acknowledged the Welsh resolve, which to be honest is heading back in the right direction with some consistency, but again, they never really looked like toppling this stout French outfit. Alun-Wyn Jones poked one in the eye for stating the obvious by saying, “We matched France for flair but we weren’t able to finish moves off. We have to look at what we need to improve on.”

However, Laporte reports; “It was difficult out there but our defence was excellent and there was a real desire to move the ball especially in the second twenty minutes of the first half.” – Minus the first 20 of the final 10 and double it by…

Gareth Jenkins reiterated France’s superiority, which to an extent does stem from a great defence – one try conceded in their three warm up games is good in anyone’s books, but just as Brian Ashton said last week, “The difference between the teams was the ability to finish chances. France showed us how it should be done.” - Nerr, France did this and France did that, oh fuck em.

France’s chances of winning the bloody thing…at home…? Let’s listen to the philosophy of Laporte, “We don’t care about talk of big favourites – the important thing is what we tell each other.” – ‘Yeahz, of course, why not, of course I will shag your sister’.

And Chabal just proved he’s nuts by not even knowing what bloody sport he’s in, “There are 30 Zinedine Zidanes in this French squad.” – And went on to say, ‘if we don’t win I will personally bring you my own John Le Baptistes head’!

Some shorts leading up to Le Crunch:

The wallabies have finally admitted that dropping a goal might be a good thing. Larkham admits: “We have certainly spoken about drop-goals and Johnno (League legend Andrew Johns and now kicking coach) has gone to every potential drop-kicker to start practicing.” – Fact: Larkham dropped a last minute winner against the Boks in the ‘99’ semi’s – but they don’t talk about it!

The Blacks are feeling the heat by being favourites, what with all the talk of Laporte calling them ‘cheat’s, Phil Kearns saying their past their best and Rob Andrew ranting on about wives and girlfriends not being allowed in the hotel is a sign of pressure; ‘I should Rockockockockocko’ isn’t phased, he states that, “We’ll do our talking on the field and not read too much into it.” – Cha, like he can!

oops!

Whilst McCaw’s theory for a winning formula is to copy the English’s 2003 blue print for what he called what was ‘ruthless efficiency’. Inaugural cup winner and his fellow countryman David Kirk has been busy stating that there are only two games in a tournament – the semi’s and final, underlining the fact that an easy pool almost guarantees a knockout spot. He’s also been slating the Wallabies’ front row; “I don’t think it is a very strong scrum, but it’s a better scrum than it was. But Tweedledee and Tweedledum, No’s 1 and 3, just aren’t really good enough.” – Guessed who they are?

Connolly is simply; just right fucked off with the whole world right now – he’s had it up to his punch-drunk face, and it won’t be long till he punches journalist Greg Gowden, and fool come to that. After leaks from the renowned hack on reports of in-house rifts with players, management, coaching staff, tea-lady’s, curfews on players, blah, blah, blah he walked out of a media conference at Sydney airport’s departures after refusing to be in the conference if Greg was in it. He gruffed, “The players have been under a lot of pressure. Some of the pressure hasn’t helped over the past few week’s with the stuff that has been written about us. It is good to get away.” – And off they flew to Portugal where ‘Knuckles’ looks set to do a Woolmer!

Legend Guscott is opting for England to have a big pack versus the murdering Boks, if they are to do the job. Also with his 65 caps and 30 tries experience he gave this advice to the English backs, “England need to execute moves with precision, involving running the right lines and passing the right places and to the right people.” – Is he taking the piss?

Before we get to the next slice of Johnno’s world best XV, here’s something he said on the importance of pool games and winning; “No one game created more pressure or worried me more than England’s pool clash with South Africa in Perth. That single International was the most pressurised in my entire career.” – It’d be hard to imagine him under pressure – a bit like imaging the Queen have a dump!

Johnno’s best ever world XV: The donkey’s now: 1. Jason Leonard 2. Sean Fitzpatrick 3. Jean-Pierre Garuet

Results:

Japanippon 15-13 Portugal – The SandyMan

Argentinean corned beef 38 – 6 Belgium ‘chocolate’ XV

Australian Rugby Championship: Canberra Vikings – yeah lots! 53 – 8 Ballymore ‘not Irish’ Tornadoes.

Air N.Z. Cup: Southland 24 – 16 Northland – doesn’t get easier in naming than that.

And that’s about it – till next week…drink beer.

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket now:

And would you bleeding well Adam n Eve it, corr blimey, stone the crows, have it, Guv, Guv, Guv – England are darn well looking like an ODI team…aren’t they?

Heeeeeeeeeey Mascarenhas put about five sixes in his 52 off 36 to nudge England close to India’s huge 329 total at their second match in Bristol, but alas England’s 320-8 lit no winning cigars.

oh mascarenhas

Those two crafty Indians, Sachin and Dravid were busy with 99 and 92* respectively and bar Freddie’s five-for – his first ever in an ODI, England were stumped by India’s choice of two specialist bowlers.

Leg-spinner Chawla ‘Lipton’ took top scorer Bell for 64, and did plenty of damage to the rest. Although Colly was pleased with the teams chase he explained his reason for leaving out his own specialist in the Monts; “We played seam bowlers because they had done well. This is a small ground. It’s something we’ll have to look at, but you have to give credit to the Indian batsmen.” – Take Barclaycard?

Moving onto Edgbaston and England without Freddie and his sore knee pulled off a cracking win by 42 runs. Dravid and Ganguly-ging-gang-goo, with 621 ODI’s between them were dismissed in consecutive overs by the 6ft 7inch gentle, but with a nudge he’ll fight, giant, Tremlett. Even Dravid gave him some praise saying, “The two wickets we lost to Tremlett was the critical stage of the game.”

tall man

Someone always looking for a fight is Zaheer Khan, and both he and Bell were at it again. Zaheer was a tit and Bell ignored his wide eyed bully tactics and went on to help himself to a top score again with 79 off 89, - but it’s was hard to decipher the loyalty of the cheering crowd, as at least half were Indian! – You get a good curry in the Midlands.

Colly reflected on a sound day’s play; “It was an excellent team performance and in many ways as satisfying as at the Rose Bowl last Tuesday, which I described as near perfect.” – They performed there with Monty Python in 1968 you know!

Next stop is Old Trafford, which is today, and on a more trivial note Ganguly – whatchya – ging-gang-goo – ging-gang-goo became the fourth person to pass 11,000 ODI runs with his 72 – 72! – Rhyme?

Late news: KP’s kept no secrets about his desire to captain England one day and reckons he’s nearly there as Colly’s right hand man in the ODI’s, he says, “We read off a similar script, we chuck ideas at each other. I wouldn’t say I’m vice-captain but we do spend quite a lot of time talking. It’s working at the moment and long may it continue.” – Freddie has just officially been named the ODI vice-captain!

That’s it - See next week’s round-ups of this week’s games!

Other sports:

Bernie Ecclestone loves a good old fashioned punch-up, and he loves it in his sport; “Man likes man has never created extra interest in sport. But when you have two equally matched top names fighting it out with genuine dislike for each other it adds a whole new element to things. I couldn’t have scripted better things myself.” – Come on Lewis, come on Lewis, come on…

warhol

Lewis rocked in fifth in Turkey and still clears the Bitch by five points overall. He had a cracking blow-out at 190mph and claims, “I would have definitely finished third. I was really comfortable out there.” – ‘Yeah dude, got my bitches in the back…’

007

When asked if he found that reminiscent of when Mansell bust a tyre in the last race in Adelaide that cost him the ‘86’ title he replied, “I don’t remember Mansell’s incident. I was only one!’ – Idiot fool.

Despite the Bitch’s talks of moving to Renault next season where Bitch lover Flavio Briatore squeals, “I’d love to have Fernando.” The Bitch is still bent on knocking off Lewis, “This was my 100^th race but the only thing I will remember about it is getting some points back on Hamilton.”

Tune in next week to the Gay F1 where Lewis walks out on London…

I don’t know, must be road rage. Back in the world of the World Athletics Championship; Ed ‘the great’ Moses predicts a drug problem; “It maybe depressing, unfortunate and unfair that two weeks after the event, someone who won a medal will be banned.”

Tyson ‘tells us he’s not’ Gay won the 100m’s in 9.85secs and immediately praised his coach Lance Brauman, who is currently in jail for fraud! – No doubt he’ll be joining him as one of Ed’s predictions!

Talking of which; UK’s Christine Ohuruogo won the 400m (Women!) and she just returned to the sport on 6^th August – she’d been banned for 12 months for failing to turn up to 3 dope tests. – If found guilty by the BOA she’ll get life. In the meantime she got £30k and an Alfa Romeo GT for winning. She say’s £20k of that will have to go on her legal bill for proving her innocence but did admit the money ‘would come in handy’. Brit Nicola Sanders ran 2^nd and Jamaican Novleve Williams 3^rd.

When did they first start doing all that clapping business for the jumps? I reckon it was about mid 80’s – that bearded black bloke in the triple jump…what’s his name? – Answers on a postcard please.

Oh, by the way, Philippe ‘doesn’t’ Massa won the Turkey F1 – but it doesn’t matter.

Tim Henman is retiring after next months Davis Cup and his partner in those doubles Andy Murray reckons he’s a really, genuine funny bloke, and describes him, and in no offence, as ‘a big kid.’ He then went on to talk about how he recently came back from an American trip where seven security guards pinned him down whilst the Sherriff searched him, saying, “I would have bet my salary that you had a gun in your bag. We normally get one a month.” – It turned out it that his laptop and watch did a great impression of a revolver in the scanner – God bless America!

Lastly no dead wrestlers this week but the first World Gravy Wrestling Championships are coming soon in Darwen, Lancs, UK – can I have chips with that love.

And now it’s time for the world news: Bong, bong, bong

Helen Christensen, you know, that buxom model of bill-boards around the globe in the ‘90’s, well she’s 38 now, still hot and likes nothing better than doing some hovering, ironing and spot of cleaning, which she says makes her feel ‘fulfilled’. – Are you fulfilled now, especially after thinking of her doing it naked…yes! – Thank you.

get back to work

Meanwhile 66 year old Chinaman Jiang Mosely (Mosely!) has been eating live tree frogs and rats for the past 40 years! – Ever since a wise man told him it would cure his intestinal pain and coughing fits. – Something’s inside out here, isn’t it?

Meanwhile II, Cathie Jung, who’s not Chinese at all, but a 70-tear-old Granny from Monteo, North Carolina, USofA has the world’s smallest waist at 15 inches! Yep, the hour glass Gran slips in at 39 – 15 – 39. And it’s all down to 25, hard years no doubt, of wearing corsets. 1959 she wore her first one and hasn’t looked back since, she explains how things progressed, and “My husband and I developed an interest in Victorian clothing. When I was 45 I decided to start doing ‘tight lacing’ and wearing a corset all the time.” – See it all starts off with some white powder on the face then before you know it you’re hooked on ‘tight lacing’. – And Victorian clothing – the dirty buggers…feather dusters, maids, master…corsets and lace…phoarrrrr.

get back to work

There’s nothing wrong with the average person that a good psychiatrist can’t exaggerate.

Seven Pilipino prisoners escaped from jail this week when their guard had a dodgy stomach – can you believe it, what a load of rubbish – anyway, evrytime he had to pop to the loo the lags sawed off another bar, Manila Chief of Police William (William!) Macavinta said, “Every time the guard went to the toilet, the prisoners took out a small saw and cut off the bars to their cell.” – See, I wasn’t making it up.

66 year-old Dick Whittington, yes the Dick Whittington, has just completed a 200 mile trip from his home town in Weston-Super-Mare to London…on his mobility scooter. At a top speed of 8mph he had to keep to the quieter A and B roads and covered 15 miles a day. It took him 10 days and he did it all for a better deal for pensioners. – Jeez, they’ll all be at it now. It used to be caravans, now it’ll be millions of mobility scooters clogging up the roads.

got a lisence for that

Bettina Menkoff is 50 and she’s from German-land and she’s just started a business making scarves and clothes from the hair of pet dogs! – Something doesn’t sound right does it. Next it’ll be skin like in Silence of the Lambs…grrrrrr!

A quarter of British women get cosmetic surgery to please their partners, whilst most Americans will do it to please themselves. – A zip would be great eh!

Britain’s favourite biscuit, which incidentally is a French word, is the custard cream with a staggering 93% vote, next was bourbon with just over 2%, and the cookie and ginger had 1.5 and 1.9 respectively. Can you believe the digestive got less than 1%. A spokesman for custard creams all over the world said, “Despite there being so much to choose from on the market it seems people plug for a no-nonsense nibble.” – Damned right.

Ok, I was going to give you a spiel on bad boys of rock antics - this after Keef so devilishly lit up a cigarette in the O2 Arena where there is a smoking ban - turns out it was a rolled up piece of cotton wool. However there’s too much to go through so we’ll do bits a week, starting with the Moon of Loon – Keith Moon who whilst naked drove a Rolls Royce into the Who’s hotel pool on their first tour to the USofA. – Well done Keith.

keiths wife

Now, lastly, Niall McCann 25 and James Burge 26 have just rowed 1 million metres non-stop, it took them 67hrs 24mins and 14secs. And that’s a world record folks. They did it in the Gorilla enclosure in Bristol Zoo, UK – how strange, nonetheless they had the gorillas to watch, T.V. to watch and lots of people to talk to. Niall astutely said, “We rowed for hour after hour until we reached the 1 million mark.” – Well you’d have really wouldn’t you!

at the zoo

Incidentally they’re called the ‘naked rowers’ because they’re about to enter the Atlantic Rowing Race in December – why December? And James reckons it’s better to do it in the buff as it stops chaffing – rowers nightmare. He admits, ‘it wouldn’t have been appropriate’, well, it wouldn’t - to row with your nadgers out, in a zoo! – Na mate.

its been a while

Wah, nearly forgot…

Tommy Cooper corner moment No.5: Man goes to the Doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head, Doc says; ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

Where were you when the hippies were planting flowers in army personnel’s guns?

just cf it

Other news