Crazy Fool's Newsround - 24th - 30th April 09 volume 327

24th - 30th April 09 volume 327
April, 30th 2009 10:32 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

Plus the radio show – that bit up there, look – top left

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: The Magic Roundabout crew have hit hard times. Dougal is bald, Brian was lost on a fishing trip(sold as bait), Germentrude can no longer produce milk and Florence is a crystal meth addict with psychotic tendencies who wants to straighten Zebedee out. Dillon is still stoned. They go to McDonald’s.

Florence: One Big Mac…

Waitress: 1 Big Mac set?

Florence: One Big Mac…

Waitress: 1 Big Mac set?

Florence: Can I have one Big Mac please?

Waitress: Ok. Do you want fries with that?

Florence: What?

Waitress: Nothing

Florence: And One Quarter Pounder with Cheese…

Waitress: 1 Quarter Pounder with Cheese set?

Florence: What!

Waitress: 1 Quarter…

Florence: One Hamburger and one Fillet o Fish and one small fries

Waitress: Do you want those as a Happy Meal?

Florence: Do you want me to fuck you up right here uh, do you want that!

Florence: And one large Banana milkshake

Waitress: We don’t do milkshake

Florence: Ok, what’s that milk over there?

Waitress: Chocolate flavoured milk

Florence: Ok, give me one of those.

Waitress: Ok, you ordered, 1 Big Mac, 1 Cheeseburger…

Florence: What do you mean one Cheeseburger, I never ordered Cheeseburger…

Waitress: But we don’t do Quarter Pounders so I put down Cheeseburger…

Florence: Was you going to tell me you had no Quart… wait a minute… (everyone eyes Germentrude…)

Narrator: And so Florence, Dougall, Dillon and Zebedee went on their merry way

1. What was Zebedee’s catch phrase?

2. Sergey Bubka excelled at what sport?

3. At what three ports did the Titanic pick up passengers?

4. To the nearest 10miles, what is the distance of Andorra’s coastline?

5. What’s the first word in Bohemian Rhapsody?

6. If a bird nidifies what has it just done?

7. What kind of bird is on a Canadian $1 coin?

8. What is the only sequel ever to have lifted the Best Picture Oscar? A) The Empire Strikes Back B) The Godfather Part II C) Rocky II

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – No stopping this one. It’s not Glenn Miller, David Gwillim (Who?), John Doe or that bloke from the Manic Street Preachers. Have another go, but here’s Clue No.1 again: “Oh, I certainly had a name alright; it’s just me that’s missing.” – Galloping onto to Clue No.2 – “That was it!”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 16 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those with X-ray specs, can you see this, can yer – arseoles!:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1

Casualty: zip

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

You tried your best and you failed miserably: The lesson is: never try.

Homer Simpson

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME JAPANESE DIETIES

Ama-terasu…Gods, sun

Kagutschi…fire

Ebisu…fisherman

Uzume…happiness

Susanowa…thunder

Tsuki-yumi…moon

Wakahiru-me…rising sun

Benten…music, luck

Inari…rice

Ukemochi…food, fertility

fool’s Gold

Mile for mile, the Isle of Wight is the most haunted island in the world

An average record shop needs to stock at least two copies of a CD to make it worth stocking

The record for eating 38 hard-boiled eggs is 1 minute 15 seconds

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

This week’s word is Rhinotillexomania. This is a very common affliction. Next time you are stopped on the street waiting for the traffic lights to change, look around and see how many Rhinotillexomaniacs there are.... Oh the meaning? - Habitual or obsessive nose-picking

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Pointless diets or as I’ve labelled my two week ‘hard bastard’ N.A.A Clinic Diet, ‘an experiment’ – Should lose 20lb in two weeks – my arse, the stress of having no alcohol has given me a 2st tumour alone! You see, I had a window for no booze due to medical reasons and thought I’d try one of those Atkins type things where you gorge on tomatoes, celery and grapefruit plus a coop full of eggs that would constipate Dr. Zeuss. Then suddenly mid week you chuck a load of chicken and steak down your gullet in order to supplement energy, which the lack of carbohydrates would have mustered – ‘arghh, mustard, just a whiff would do; “Dijon sir?” – “No fuck off, none of the French crap – let me snort some Coleman’s.” – But no, it’s not the meat giving you energy it’s the black coffee with no sugar and dairy, and you’re only having a crap because the grapefruit tells you to. I don’t know why I even entertained the idea – my bloody idea too! I’ve never given credence to any kind of diet ever before and I never will again. All I eat is meat anyway – diets and people who use them – utterly pointless. Plus rich mums who can’t drive 4x4’s - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Getting to use a drill again. When lodging in foreign climes where carrying out normal house-hold jobs isn’t heard of, it’s great to use tools again. I put up some curtains up the other and was required to use a drill, a hammer, a screwdriver, tape and all that stuff – oh the joy, the fulfilment, the actual feeling of being alive – it was: Sweet Love.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #111 (which is really one of the original 9 – can you guess which one it is – is it one of your favourites?)

This is another plane:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and buckets of wine by the err, bucket... plus beer, oh yes beer, don't forget the beer...they have beer you know. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam – I think! – Some cracking live music too folks. – I hear things are going Bacardi Loco!

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. For more on Bootlace Walking Holidays in the Alpujarra, Sierra Nevada, Spain -
www.bootlace.com and Prices and dates 2009
Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: where all the best meat comes from – Got any pies?

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; let alone boogie to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember; there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; back this week with a round 5 survey and a look at round 6

*Trigger: keeps picking ‘em – is that something to do with what Dr. Phil said?

*cf's radio show: - OUT NOW– new and improved, with all the buttons – the pause, the play and slidy bit that gets you where you want to be…almost – This is the long forgotten Christmas show , but nay fear for the Easter edition will be out soon too!

*Tit-bits – .../.../…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – give it a whirl, there maybe something you like – click on the Grub-up icon on the left to see what can be delivered to your door.

*Poetry Corner: Still Quadrophenia – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫… – ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’ coming soon…

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

* Classifieds – Some top deals on furniture this week – an expats house clearance sale - check out what’s on offer.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…Yeah, we can leave that in as the third song…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

- crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies on sale now for only 80,000vnd from the fool he-self or available at the Blue Gecko for 110,000vnd

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like a potato – the lazy git! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s menu in Grub-up!

Every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

Now then, now then, now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move along now, there’s a good chap (ess):

No lingering, no farting and nae scratching of the heed, cos we got a lot to get through this week and the fool’s officially on his hols:

So, Y-frontly:

Super 14’s

The Stormers were much improved last week with a win over the Highlanders 18-11 where both sides defended well. Shoemark and Fetu’u Vainikolo made inroads for the fake Scots, but Sireli Naqeleviku put the first try down for the Stormers. Israel Dagg had a good game and made Ben Smith’s try with some stepping and an awesome pass. Conrad Jantjes motored and passed to Grant for the winner, although that could have easily gone the other way bar an inspired try saving tackle from Andres Bekker – welcome back Andres.

The Force smashed a very lack-lustre Lions 55-14 with the young-un James O’Connor showing pedigree beyond his years. There to help him look good, as always, was the Git, as well as Ryan Cross, Drew Mitchell and Cameron Shepherd. Will we see them in the play-offs? – Let’s hope so.

The Bulls beat the Chiefs 33-27 in a tantalising game of total rugby. Speedster Akona Ndungane fed Derick Kuun for the first and five minutes later Richard Kahui stayed up in the tackle to give Sione Lauaki the chance to go over for a close range score. Kuun, the Bulls hooker, scored again, this time from 50mtrs after a backline fumble. But the muscled grip from the Bulls secured ball, although Callum Bruce got a breakout try. Wynard Oliver scored again edging his bets to play against the Lions this summer. Kahui crossed the line with minutes to go but by then it was all over.

The Hurricanes took the Brumbies apart in an eight try haul 56-7. It was possibly the most convincing win this season by a side that keeps up a relentless pace. Four tries in 18 minutes sealed the deal and they weren’t nothing fancy, just speed determination, pick up the loose ball and charge the odd wild pass. It’s almost unorthodox rugby but it works well. Eight tries – you want the scorers? No. Suffice to say; Conrad and Tamati scored for the fool’s fantasy and David Smith keeps doing it.

The Blues were snuffed away by the Reds at Albany 31-24, which to all sense and purposes was the Berrick Barnes show. No one else quite had his fleet of foot and deft of hand. Quade Cooper had another iffy game, but also found good form to link with Fainaga for a late score. Jimmy Gopparth managed to touch down late on to take a losing bonus point but is that enough?

Lastly the Cheetah’s beat the Crusaders in a funny old game in Bloemfontein. Both sides played solid rugby then out of nowhere Kah Fotuali’i found himself scoring under the posts. The Cheetahs regrouped and Meyer Bosman set up Jongi Nokwe for a return score. The game went to the wire before Hennie Daniller notched the winner. Jongi still doesn’t speak English!

Guinness Premiership:

Harlequins dumped Newcastle 31-12 with four tries in the first 29 minutes. Nick Easter took two care of good work from Care and Tasi Fugo and Mike Brown got the others whilst Ugo Monye scored a great solo effort on the 38^th minute to make it five.

Bath beat Sarries 33-18 through some arduous forward play; reward-able tries came through their backs Short, Higgins and Banahan.

Leicester annihilated Bristol 73-3 with tries from Vesty, White, Hipkiss, Jordan-Crane, G. Murphy 2, Flood, j. Murphy, Varndell and Woods. 37 year-old Mark Ray-gun played his last game for Bristol after joining then in 1991.

London Irish got their two points to get into the semis by beating Worcester 32-15. And another 37 year-old also got his twenty minutes on the GP paddock once more; this time: Mike Catt.

GP semis: So that means on the 9^th May Quins will play London Irish and Bath take on Leicester.

Losing out was Sale, who did everything right in beating Northampton 24-18, but it wasn’t enough over the season. Wasps were already out but displayed a thorough fayre over Gloucester 34-3 who it seems have just gone to pot. The biggest cheers were reserved for Simon Shaw’s lolloping burst for the line.

Top 14:

Round24: Castres lost out to Stade Francais through a late try by that right Bastreud. SF make it to the semis/ Montpellier beat Bayonne 20-11. The Basques went home pointless and Louis Picomoles played his last game for the Mont’s in tears/ Montauban beat Brive 15-10 – that makes 4 losses on the trot for Brive/ Toulouse scarcely beat a 2^nd string Bourgain 13-6 with only a try minutes to go from Malei Kunavore/ Biarritz took care of Toulon 19-12 thanks to Benoi August’s late try/ As did Perpignan over Clermont 20-16 thanks to Philip Burger/ That just leaves Dax, good old Dax – they beat Mont-de-Marsan 12-8. – Anyone know where it is yet?

Heineken Cup: Semi’s:

Cardiff Blues v Leicester Tigers at the Millennium. Leicester are the clear underdogs here, but as Tigers coach Richard Cockerill says, “Cardiff have got all the Lions players and are in the best forms of their lives – I’m happy with that (being underdogs)”

Blues boss Dai Young says of Leicester, “They’re streetwise and shrewd – and won’t be alarmed if it’s nip and tuck right to the end.” – I don’t know what that means but it sounds good.

In the other semi Munster host Leinster at Croke Park, where it will be a sell out crowd and Munster will win. As for the other semi (above) – gotta go for the underdogs.

Some Shorts:

Fabien Pelous 35 leaves behind his 118 caps for France, after 18 years service he will take up politics. Lewsey doffs his cap to Wasps where he’s been for 13 years and 262 games and will play for the Baa Baa’s against England on 30^th May. He says, “In an era of professionalism it is a club that upholds the value of sport at its best and to that end it will be an honour to play for the club at the end of my career.” – He’ll probably make the same speech in his last game, also for the Barbarians, this time versus Australia on 6^th June.

Chris Jack and Luke McAlister are on their way back to New Zealand in contracts for the 2011 World Cup and Aussie coach Robbie Deans has appointed Dave Palmer, world squash champ, to be the Wallaby’s fitness coach in the build up to the Tri-Nations – it’s not what you know!

British & Irish Lions tour to MB-land:

Everyone’s got their opinions on the Lions and the ‘Geech’ has the final say, but he’s fucked up hasn’t he – Armitage, Croft and Cueto – fool bets you they’ll be out there and in the Test side. MB coach Gary Gold can’t believe it: “There is a good balance of young and old in that squad and the selectors have chosen well apart from Delon.”

From Ieuan Evans: “One absentee that sticks out for me is Croft of Leicester. “He’s a great ball carrier, very fast and provides a useful option on the line-out. South Africa are strong in that department, so his omission surprised me.”

As to winning Ieuan says, “It’s pretty black and white – bond, and you can win in South Africa, don’t and you’ll lose.”

Thomas O’Leary is the first casualty with a broken ankle, which is good because the fool doesn’t know how he got there in the first place.

The fool’s biggest worry – a decent fly half – sure Ronan will play the Munster game, but you need more than that against the Boks.

I’m done.

Some competitions: - WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

More Free T-shirt’s: send in your starting Lions team - if it has 8 names the same as fool’s – you win! One lucky winner so far – well done Mr. B. Patterson from Sarf East London.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Freddie’s Chennai Super Kings Filter Tipped were beaten by the Delhi Daredevils thanks to AB cde Villiers first century of the tournament and Freddie being knocked for 50 off four overs.

Fred went on to bust his knee and went home for an op. He’s out of the Windies Tests and at least three of the ODI’s.

Hugh Morris chirped up, as you’d expect, “Andrew’s been extremely unlucky with his injuries but, if there’s one saving grace, it is that injury occurred now and not on the eve of the Twenty/20 or the Ashes.” – That’s the Dunkirk old boy.

Meanwhile KP’s not having much fun in Bloke Down the Pub’s Bangalore outfit. They lost by 7 wickets to King XI Punjab where Ravi Bopari hit 85 - Which was handy because he’s batting No.3 in the first Windies Test at Lords next week.

Out are Vaughan, Harmison, Bell and Shah and in come Ravi, whom Geoff Miller, chief selector, states its; “an opportunity for him to stake a claim.”

Cook also rates the Bop and praised him thus; “Ravi is one of the most talented cricketers I’ve played with – he can hit balls for four that I can only dream of.” – That’s why you’re the future captain!

New lads coming in are pace bowlers Tim Brosman and Graham Onions. James Anderson, who blows hot and cold, reckons, “If we bowl like we did in the final three Tests in the Caribbean and get runs on the board, I’d certainly back our attack to take 20 wickets in English conditions.” – He knows his onions.

The Aussie WAG’s are to go to training camp to deal with long term relationships as their boys will be in England for the best part of 4 half months. That means Lara Bingle will be at home flicking a pea all summer.

Australia took the 2^nd and 3^rd ODI’s against Pakistan in South Africa but not without controversy. Clarke hit 66 to steer the ‘tourists’ to a 27 run win then Symonds bowled 2-12 and notched 57 to take the third by 6 wickets.

But then words were had about Saeed Ajimal’s actions. Skipper Younis Khan explained, “This is always happening with India, Pakistan and Australia, ‘Who do we play all the time controversy? Why? It is a fair game you know. You’re talking about the doosra, this is an art perfected by India and Pakistan.” – Anyone have an idea what he’s talking about?

That’s it.

Other sports:

Jensen Button won in Dubai with his arse on fire, “Wow it was hot out there. It was really bad. The boxes around where I was sitting got really hot. I burnt the top half of my left buttock.”

Wimbledon just got its new roof – 50ft high with 120 lights. The All England Club chief exec Ian Ritchie said, “If matches don’t finish in time we will just slide the roof and carry on.” Pearls of wisdom Ian

And Manny Pacquiao and Hatton get it on this weekend for the IBO Light welterweight. Manny, like Fabien wants to go into politics, once he’s hung his gloves up. He’s already reckoned to have given away £15m to the poor so I reckon he’ll be pretty popular. In the meantime ex heavy weight champ Michael Moorer still hits him with a stick which coach Freddie Roach isn’t too keen on; “You’re supposed to get used to it. I don’t like it because I don’t believe in it – but he likes it. When he comes with the stick I go and sit down.” – That’s right Freddie, you stay out of it.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

France’s First Lady Carla Bruni has been caught with her knickers in a twist again; this time crooks have stolen naughty pics of her and ex lover Raphael Enthoven in very bribe-able positions. Cameras, computer files and videos were stolen from Raphael’s brother’s house where he stored them for safe keeping. Police say it is all ‘highly suspicious.’ – fool says Carla did it in a severe case of being left off the front page for more than a month.

Meanwhile a nosy neighbour in Detroit US looked out the window to see what all the commotion was and was shot at by a fleeing robber. The bullet went through her window and bounced off the underwire in her bra. All I can think about is the episode in Seinfeld where George gets a job as a bra salesman – her bras must have been the same as his mum’s!

Now small: tiny transmitters have been fitted to ants to study their nesting habits. Boffs at Bristol University fixed the radios to the 3mm long ants and found 40% would visit the first nest then the other, plusher abode, which was 9km’s away and stay there, whereas only 3% would go back to the tatty first nest. Dr. Elva Robinson concluded, “Each ant seems to have a threshold of acceptability against which to judge nests.” – Thanks Elva, now we should all sleep well tonight.

How about a Yank mum who wants her dead ten year daughter to be reborn and cloned with a cow! Yep, Dr. Panayiotis Zavos, who does most of his work in the Middle East, says he can fuse Cady’s blood cells with cows eggs and shove them all together in a human-animal hybrid embryo. He says he’s done it before with four hybrids embryos but none were born. Then with a menacing laugh he chortled, “The cloned child is coming.” – God help us all – another Jade Goody!

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! Elton John, Robbie Williams, Tom Jones, Phil Collins, Cliff Richard and Englebert Humperdink have all lost wonga in the current credit crunch – hear more in next week’s new radio show

Retired ice cream man Alfonso de Marco has lived in the same house in the UK for 100 years. He moved there from Cassino Italy in 1909 to be with his dad who set up an ice cream parlour in East Sussex in 1885. It hasn’t changed much he says, “The Street has changed a bit since I was a boy. I remember seeing horses puling carts and the smell of chestnuts being roasted. It is different now, much noisier. But I still love it. There are a lot of memories here.” – Alfonso retired in 1973 after setting up a chain of ice cream parlours – sounds like Reggie Perrin!

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: No – have exhausted these

Beer sales have dropped by 8% in the UK from Jan – March compared to 2008 – that’s 68 million less pints, and frankly Harry that ain’t good enough. That equals a tax paid shortage of £17m. Geezer of the BBPA – British Beer and Pub Association Dave Long said, “Closing pubs means tens of thousands of job losses and the heart taken out of the community.” – It’s tearing my heart apart Dave. I’ve gotta move on to another story.

Y-front sales are up – 35% in Debenham’s. Spokesman Ed Watson said, “They provide a much greater sense of security than loose fitting boxers, and perhaps in these troubled times, that’s what men need to feel.” – Y-fronts were invented in the US 74 years ago. – I don’t leave home without them.

Ronnie Biggs was invented nearly 80 years ago and he’s soon to be released from the nick. The fact that he needs 24 hr care and no government backed home will take him is neither here nor there. Still he’ll be out for his 80^th in August. Biggsy stole £2.6m from the Glasgow to London mail train in ’63 and shared it with 14 pals who were on the job. He got 30 years and spent 36 on the run in Spain, Australia and Brazil.

Mao from Quingdao in eastern China has got a hen with two bums and says, “She is very special to us and I have built a coop for her and while the other chickens gorge on graze, she gets wheat.” – See, if you get two bums you can get wheat too.

If you eat 135 grapes a day it’ll help cut out a salty diet.

But sod that; let’s talk about naked German hikers who have been banned from passing through Swiss town Appenzell Inner Rhodes as the locals are sick of it. There’s £120 on the spot fine, which I reckon would be pretty difficult to install! Soon Appenzell Outer Rhodes will be pass the law too. A spokesman said, “The reaction of the population has shown that such appearances over a large area are perceived as thoroughly disturbing and irritating.” – Must get hikers bum I suppose.

Lastly, that Cathy Cartwright’s been at it again. She’s been warned, got the asbo and did she pay heed – did she fuck – yes – Sunday to be exact; she explains, “I can’t stop making noises during sex. It’s unnatural not to. I’ve been making noises since the asbo was imposed – this morning we were making noises for three hours.” – She’s going to get banged up – literally.