It's an all new season in the WHO AM I? So without further Irish stew - in the name of the law. Here's clue # numero uno, ‘I am, quite simply, the original fallen angel.'

Right, patrons - without them I'd certainly eat more cheese, but while they're here they keep me sane, something to live for, something to take away the pain, they are of course: *Pacharan oh baby when you talk like that...*GTM, rev up yer motors cos this outdoor leisure and garden furniture doesn't hang around in the shops for too long. *Vasco's, I don't like Vasco's, I love it. *Fosters it's cold, it's wet, it does the job. *Blue Gecko, take me home country road, to the place where I belong. *Bootlace Holidays - one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you. *Saigon Rugby Club, you are my sunshine, and *Inkslinger Tattoos - treat yourself.

Remember folks this is going out to 400 homes and offices every week and counting - if you want to advertise on the main pages (and many more coming too folks) or in the classified section then check out the prices under the advertising icon then hit the contacts button where you can talk to the fool himself.

Ok, what's on in the world of fool this week? Well we got D & T, Tit & bit, a splash of TiV, and some poetry, and that's about all the rhyming I can do - the rest is in there, out there, somewhere...

 

So without any further cashew nuts here's some rugby...

And if it wasn't as plain as the snot up yer nose you've got to give the RBS Six Nations a streaks ahead league advantage of entertaining rugby this year, surpassing it's passionate self with ease, but more so out running, passing, breathing and booting the Super 14 into touch!

I don't know if something is missing, something's are too expectant or it's just the raw zeal, nay, spirit of old foe battles (6nations), but Super 14 hasn't clicked yet - has it? Early rounds, yes, 22 All Blacks missing, yes, fumbled, chaotic, early doors comedy rugby, yes.

On the other hand in the Ireland England international we saw a passion driven by loyalty, a deftness in skill powered by confidence and an ability to take the stage motioned by desire - then we saw England get the ball a couple of times!

Don't take the fool wrong, he barracks the Super 14 for he cares, but with uncared for bread you can lose your appetite, it can go stale - Saying that the monetarily franchised comp is evening out to a closer contest than ever expected. The usual shite which South Africa produces has proved constant, with the Sharks taking accolades on the positive side of play so far. Australia hasn't looked like rectifying any basic control. And barring one Troy Flavell in the New Zealand sides everything is headless chicken-ly normal.

But then what the by-fuckery am I on about? (Cats n pigeons old, cats n pigeons)

Let's kick off with the match of last weekend, which was watching Ireland play - yes exactly that. Seeing them provide primary ball with ease, O'Connell in mighty form, the back row everywhere, and first. The scrum faultless. And to be honest, to me that's as far as it got, barring maybe Girvain Dempsey who was...ummm...solid - that's a bit like calling someone ‘nice' isn't it.

Oh, go on then, ok, Gordan D'Arcy got himself about too.

But in the end it was an Irish pack, that's been together for a number of years now, which earned the pint after the show. As Man of the Match Paul O'Connell said, "We are all working our socks off in the pack and the harder you work the easier it is to find your form." "With the whole pack working so hard it was enjoyable to play out there today." - Yeah at a record 43-13 scoreline, I bet it was enjoyable.

Personally I don't think they're world beaters yet. Umm, forget that yet, make it never. I don't see world class half backs, especially at No.9. I don't see match winning wingers and I don't see anyone coming off the bench - another hamstring and they're buggered. But again, as Paul said, "We played clever rugby and got points on the board, be it penalties or tries." - Yep, and that's what matters - they're a good team

 

Also, I don't see as England have anything to fear either. Brian Ashton had a good match analysis when he said, "We were stuffed and we have to take it on the chin. We were outplayed by a better side. They were better up front. I thought their forwards played very well. They scrummaged better than in previous games, and when you have a lineout like theirs, well, you're on your way. They were more physical too. I don't feel embarrassed or humiliated. I feel there's lots of work to be done, but we already knew that." - Oh, ‘already knew that' - smart arse.

Well, what do you say after that lot - I might as well go home. But before I do I'll tell yer that Andy Farrell needs to be there for good - don't listen to the shite that he's not fast enough - do you remember Umaga or Nonu or even Horan for that matter being lightening? Let alone Carling the initial finger wager.

There's been a lot of talk about England's midfield and perhaps a hierarchal scapegoatism for the ex leaguey Farrell. But as league and union Welsh star Iestyn Harris says of Farrell, "He has a great eye for a gap and is a brilliant passer." - Exactly, so when he gets a blistering No.13 or a manoeuvring No.15 outside him things'll be different...won't they?

mind the gap!

Of course, England still need a ball winning back row and primary ball winning front five, and with their odds slashed to 20-1 by William Hill to win the championship cf is still backing them for the big one - now, you've got to be mad not to take me on! P.s. France are 2-7 favourites and Ireland 5-2.

 

Ok, I've got away from myself a bit here - what about those Iti's - 3 tries in the first 6 minutes - Bergamasco, Scanavacca, Robertson...Robertson? Shouldn't that be Robertsononi?

Troncon celebrates

Suffice to say the Iti's deserved their first away win in 17 attempts, and as skipper Bortolomi said it didn't come without the loss of a few nails, "After such a good start we had a little bit of fear over losing because everything was perfect." - Just as well Scotland were shite then eh!

 

Pierre Berbizier was happy too, he said, "I want to thank my players, they have done a great job. They have done what we had to do for 80 minutes, bravo. It was a dream, now it is reality." - Yes, bravo.

 

Meanwhile Wales were happy with their lot. They scored 3 tries to 2, lost something like 35-21 and are now bottom of the table, but as Shane Williams said, "I don't want anyone to say there weren't plenty of positives for us." - Go on, I dare you, send him a postcard.

 

Skipper Stephen Jones was far more pragmatic, "France were good today. They delivered the game I expected of them. They chased well, they have good organisation, and they take their points effectively. We need to have the discipline not to give away any penalties." - Yes, precisely, if you're giving away penalties there's something wrong isn't there - yes, obviously, you dickhead!

Jones

Whilst I'm unwinding let's skip back to the leagueys for a bit and tell you that they are simply not happy with the poachiness of the union. Peter Parr from North Queensland is ‘sick and tired' from union's endless pursuit of their star players. The latest line cast is for Luke O'Donnell. And while we're at it, Lotte Tiqiri $3m Aussie - my arse. He's still good, but past his sell by I'd say.

 

Lastly The IRB are putting pressure on the SANZAR to include Argentina into their Tri- Nations - making it...wait for it...The Four Nations. SARU president Oregan Hoskins is super keen and super keen to get them in the Super 14's too, at least two teams - can you add that one on your own? The fact that most of Argentina's best players play in Europe and therefore couldn't partake in the Four Nations is neither here nor there, but they are the 6^th best rugby nation in the world and the only major playing country that doesn't have an annual Test comp - wouldn't you just love to see their pack roll over New Zealand's?

Argie bird

Enough of that, let's talk cricket old chap:

And how annoying is that eh - you go away on a splash of R & R for a few days and the Aussies collapse like an origamists swan dive. But sadly those days are gone and as Michael Vaughan says going into the World Cup, "The world rankings mean nothing and the best team will not be the one on paper but the one left standing on the 28^th April." - He's astute that lad eh.

What is it?

He's not wrong either, and aiming to prove him right are the very bullish Sri Lankans, led by their very bullish spoken skipper Mahela Jayawardene who says, "I am confident we have a very good chance of winning the World Cup." - Winning words Mahela.

bullish

Michael Hussey is also in a bit of agreement; he says of the South Africans that they are, ‘a very well-drilled outfit.'  The Sri Lankans he says, ‘are going to be very dangerous.' And that the Pakistani's are, ‘a threat' and are, ‘pretty consistent.' On his own nuggets he says, "There's pressure in international cricket. There's going to be pressure on everyone, and we're looking forward to it." Freddie - Mercury not Flintoff.

Hussey

Pakistani druggies Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammed Asif haven't flown out to the ‘Bernard and Cryil infested land yet, but are under going a medical in London, a spokesman said, "If they are declared medically fit then they have to go through the PCB's process of dope testing." - Just stand in the outfields of St Lucia, it's growing all over the place...mon.

Druggies

Darren Gough just missed out on the world cup with England, but is still a proud Yorkshireman, he said, "I am 36 years old I can still bowl and bat. I can still do a job."  Geoff Boycott keeps saying that and he's 86.

Gough

Geraint Jones is definitely not going on tour to the Caribbean but is going to his native Papua New Guinea with the MCC. He was born there of Welsh parents and used to play cricket against a mango tree in his back garden, and he's never given up hope of guarding the willow for England, he said, "I believe the England wicketkeeping job is still up for grabs and scoring runs for MCC and for Kent can put my name in the frame."

Geraint

We'll leave cricket with KP's thinking, and the first player to say so, on why perhaps Freddie was the wrong man to captain the Ashes series, although he did say that he (Freddie) never showed it and was never different. KP talks, "When standing at the back of your mark and you've got to bowl at 90mph and you're thinking ‘Oh I should have had my first slip a bit wider,' it hinders your thought patterns, and it is a tough job, especially if you have Australia on your back." - Yeah, like a giant monkey.

KP

 

Other sport:

41 year old Lennox Lewis has denied speculation that he's coming out of retirement to bash up Vitali Klitschko again. He said, "I have no idea how the rumours got started, but I'm a man of my word - I will remain retired." - Retired in your 30's eh, beautiful.

Lennox

 

Other stuff:

My Generation by The Who has been voted best pop teen anthem ever in a poll of 2000 adults through PR firm 3 Monkeys. Cyndi Lauper was second with Girls Just Wanna Have Fun and Alice Cooper's Schools Out was third. A spokesman said, "My Generation is closest to expressing the confusion, anger and excitement of being a teenager." Howard Bowden from 3 Monkeys went on to explain that its 50yrs since the term teenagers was used and is widely accepted that its ‘birth' was on the Bill Hayley tour to the UK in 1957. See, kids today don't even know they're teenagers. And thanks Howard, good name that, Howard.

On the other scale of good names is Sharon Stone or Shazza to her mates. She just picked up a Golden Raspberry or Razzie as they are known in Titty Town, for worst actress in Basic Instinct 2 or as the luvvies would have it, Basically It Stinks Too - oh, the darlings! The film also picked up best gong for worst film, screenplay and sequel. Carmen Electra stole the worst supporting actress in Date (sorry, can't read my writing) and Scary Movie 4.

Shazza

Carmen

Meanwhile Helen Mirren went commando when she won the other thingy-ma-jig and said of her tailored dress, "It fitted me like 2 angels hands." - All kinds of perverted thoughts there, and she's still got it eh.

Helen

Mick Jagger's teaming up with Martin Scorsese to make his long awaited film on the muso life, The Long Play. I wonder if Marianne will be in it?

 

Drew Barrymore gets scarier with age and says getting older will not stop her being young, she in fact said, "I'm a sexual free fucking nudist little kid running around and a wood nymph when it comes to sexuality." - Leave em on, please Drew, leave em on.

Bruce Willis' attorney has pooh-poohed the notion that Bruce was a client of Jody ‘Babydoll' Gibson, and said, "The story is complete fabrication. He doesn't know this woman." Meanwhile ex Sex Pistol Steve Jones couldn't get enough of her and whacked out $1500 a pop for a night in the Californian Dreamin Service. Once a Sex Pistol always a Sex Pistol.

Steve Jones

Ok, lastly, the world's biggest burger was made for charity this week by Denny Leighy in Classified, Pennsylvania U.S. It was a 123lb of 80lb beef patty, 1lb each of lettuce, ketchup, relish, mustard and mayo, 160 slices of cheese, 5 onions, 12 tomatoes, banana peppers, 33 pickles, all in a 30lb bun. There's 120,000 calories there, and if you want to buy one it'll cost you £193. What are they going to do with it - deliver to the Salvation Army or something?

Oh, here's one I forgot, a bloke called Dayne Gilbey has had a full English breakfast tattooed on his head. He's got the lot, bangers, beans, egg n bacon, mmm bacon. The 19 year-old from the West Midlands said, "It's something different but mum's threatened to throw me out." Bruce Dickinson (hang on, wasn't he in Iron maiden?), the artist from North Wales has been waiting 4 years to do this and said, "I'm glad I found someone brave, or unhinged, enough to do it." - I think I could only get the bacon done.

Relax folks and just cf it.

cf.