productions presents

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: Clint Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef, Eli Wally and fool are playing Gin Rummy in crazy fool's cafe, about lunch time; all have had too many cups of tea and are busting for the toilet.

Eli; I gotta go fellas, I'm busting here

Lee: If you're busted then fold

Eli: I never said I busted, I said I'm busting you crazy Dutch man.

Lee: Who you calling Dutch you ugly bastard?

Clint: Why don't we calm down here and all just take it a little easy fellas. I say we all go together, unless you're planning on cleaning up here fool?

fool: No, I just cook.

Clint raises oan eyebrow and tongues his cheroot to the other corner of his mouth. Lee scans his piggy blue eyes over every player whilst lighting his pipe that he stole from Sherlock Holmes in the Case of the Missing Pipe. Eli really is chewing a wasp and fool, fool just just smiles at all three and picks up the two of diamonds,  discards the ace then winks at the rat on the top shelf behind the counter who's holding a mirror behind the good, the bad and the ugly, and says;

fool: wahoo, wahoo, I win, I win, it was me and the rat all the time, I win, I win, I got ya, I got ya, we're in the money, we're in the money...I can't contain myself...I win, I win...

Narrator: And thus the sneak was busted...you got the quiz ready yet? And for Pete's sake, let's bring back Self Made Man II.

busted

But now, without any further achew...here is the one and only...the only one...and no other like it this week...this week's quiz...

1. In which film did James Cagney say, 'You dirty rat'?

2. What is the official currency of Liechtenstein?

3. What do Americans call the silencer on the car?

4. Who wrote the novel Sharpes Tiger?

5. What word can go before "beer", "bread" and "nut"?

6. Which actresses real surname is Anistonopoulos?

7. In which century was Lewis Carroll born?

8. What is a Capuchin? A) A large coffee B) A monk C) A bell-tower

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - If cf can get into his vault of answers! Nope, seems not. Can all correspondence now go to this site's address, in the contacts page - or for the lazy its; cf.crazyfool@gmail.com - thanks.

 WHO AM I?   Of course it bloody well was, who else did you think it would be? Mind you saying that, Dracule didn't get it, but the Eagle that is Legal did and he landed himself a three point lead, earning himself a bunch of grapes and edging ever closer to the top prize of Carmen Mirander's hat; with Christopher Lloyd. So to a new clue, to a new WAI? Here is clue No.1; "Here we gooooooooooooooo...."

is it me?

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment*NEW *NEW-ish!

World War II Rationing for one adult per week in Britain was thus:

MEAT...to the value of 1s.2d

BACON & HAM...40z, 100g

BUTTER... 2oz, 50g

CHEESE...2-8oz, 50-225g

MARGARINE...4oz, 100g

COOKING FAT...4oz, 100g

MILK...2-3 pints

SUGAR...8oz, 225g

TEA...20z, 50g

EGGS...1

Monthly ration

PRESERVES...1lb, 450g

DRIED EGGS...1pkt

SWEETS...12oz, 350g

Don't know what all the fuss was about!

fool's gold;

The dot over the letter i is called a tittle.

The pupils at the centre of goats eyes are square!

Horses can't vomit

Word of the Week  - provided by Wordman

Hon dai = testicles

And now, those who can only afford the bus please step aside for...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and caipirovska on a Wednesday. Oh, and let Curtis King rock you. - Thursday is... *classifieds

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh November - cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds - dude, those burgers are the go - best I've ever had, meaty and a little spice - superb...and don't get me started on the shanks.

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger , keeping his fans happy for 260 editions. - Hang on, I can't just say this every week from now on and just + 1...can I? Can I? Can I? Can I?

*Trigger got it right again last week - have you been following? - It's your money you're throwing away by not taking heeeeeeeeedy advice.

*Tit-bits - bit of Ruby *Grub-Up is still stuck on Cameron's cod lips - so till quieter times when fool has the space and time - eat trout (New menu coming soon), meanwhile *Fishman - is in the process of baiting the hookers and splicing the main sail, whilst *Bongo Massif Bro's - should be just about pulling up ...now, just in time for the Loreto Fest.

Put in Loreto Fest ad here ↓ Ok.

Mr. Meaner...This week only we're on a rock n roll truce.

But now it's ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

 'You can stick your Costa Brava, I'm telling you mate I'd rather, have pint with you down Margate in the rain...'

Or alternatively watch International rugby on the box, cos it's back, which reminds me of another song - Elton John's a clue!

But in the Taffy homeland of The Millennium Stadium, things were afoot or more like a yard, for the men in red against the the Murdering Bastards...in green.

With Wales claiming stake to most of the games possession they still came unstuck, looked nothing less than a second tier side and went down 5 ties to two - 34-12.

But, but, but it wasn't all bad; 'Orange-man' Henson and Hook looked pretty good together and once they put Shanklin back in the centres with the Gav himself then things will look a lot better - a lot better.

But the Boks were a force to be reckoned with and to prove that they are MB's (Murdering Bastards), Jake White slipped this out to the press, "I liked the way we executed things." - Say no more.

He then went on to talk about the rugby and was pleased with what he haughtily saw; "It was quite amazing how simple it looked. At times we scored tries with two or three guys running next to the ball." - Show offs.

Kiwi Gatland, who takes over Wales next week (all of it!) watched it on the box and surmised, "The thing that stood out for me was how we need to take every opportunity that presents itself." - Is everyone just taking the piss out of Wales?

He went on to say that he'd make 'this' reasonable pack into a good pack in 18 months and that it was the "collision' areas where it all went wrong; "South Africa dominated them, forced us to over-commit and that stretched our defence." - Cheating MB's.

'Orange-man' was pleased enough though, and warned five particular nations, "When the Six Nations comes around we will be a little more organised. We had so much possession and only scored two tries." - Well that says something right there orange dude. - Arrest that man - caught in possession.

Let's take hats off to the Colin Charvis though, as he scored one of those two tries for Wales and became the top International forward try scorer of all time mate, he said, "I love playing rugby. Every opportunity I get to play for Wales I relish. I would put on that jersey a 1000 more times, but we all know that's not going to happen." - Yes because the first thing Gatland will do is get rid of the olds - he's like that.

As for Jake White, as cf himself told you last week, he's taking six months off the game, and here explained his reason for not applying for his old job; "There's two kinds of Springbok coach, the one who has been sacked and the one who will be." - Every sporting coach in every sport must have to take that line as an oath.

Meanwhile he's still interested in England, not as boss but, "I make no bones about the fact that England, whether Test or domestic rugby, would be the country in which I would be interested in the future. But not now." - Tomorrow? No. Next week? No. Walnut whip? Ooh, yes please!

In other coaching stakes Moody just won't let go of the idea that Jonno is not interested in a top job with England just yet, he pines, "The analysis he used to put in before every game was unbelievable. That skill would be an amazing thing if he does want to be a coach or a manager." - Sob sob

"Jonno is just one of those special people. It would be great to have him involved." - He's gone Lewis, he's gone, just let it go, there there, every thing's going to be al right...

Ok, the Baa Baa's take on the MB's this weekend and seven nations are on the cards to play with names of the highest calibre taking to the field.

Coached by Ireland's Eddie O'... yep, coached - cheating baskits, they're to be led by Mark Regan, which is quite debatable seen as Bristol have no intention of letting him go, stating it will be a breach of contract if he plays with Richard Hill, Director, stating, "As far as we are concerned, Mark will not be involved in the South African game." - Mark on the other hand says he's definitely playing - love it.

Sheridan on the other hand (How many hands?) had his agent to put it in his contract, which he signed a couple of weeks ago, the Baa Baa's game as a clause. - Upstairs for thinking there then Andy - yer big lummox.

Ok then, some names (surname only) in the Baa Baa's team, in fact, the team: Robinson,  Rokocockocockocockoocko, Smith, Nonu, Neivia, Giteau, Marshall, Pucciarello, Regan (or maybe not?), Ma'afu Cockbain, Harrison, Elsom, Williams, Collins. Replacements: Brits, Moller, Flavell, Owen, Shanklin, Grant, Cohen.

my head at Loreto fest

Right ho; onto the Lions story of 2009 and Andy Irvine has been named as Chairman of the Lions Board and although Big Frank Hadden has been put in the mix of the coaches lot, it seems fellow Jock MacGeeghan is hot favourite, especially in Andy Robinson's book, he says of the man, "His depth of knowledge and understanding of the game in all its facts - attack, defence, set piece is just phenomenal." - Phenomenal.

MB Bryan Habana 'no cigar' on the other hand says the Lions tour to South Africa is his next big adventure, saying, "I would definitely like to be part of that tour and Test series." - Oh would you now, it seems you'd like a lot of things...shorty!

As a 14 year-old he watched it in '97 and recalled, "It was unbelievable to see the aura they brought to South Africa." - Yes, the fool was there and it was something to see 30,000 Brits 'invade' Durban overnight and fill to the brim every single hotel, guest house, backpackers, pub, bar and whore joint, drink the town dry 24hrs on the trot every night and not a single fight between them, bar of course the local MB's .

Ok some smalls and Dan Carter is off to join chums, McAllister, Mauger, Hayman, Gear, Kelleher, Jack and Oliver in Europe. He said, "I really enjoy playing here (In England) - there are great crowds and great people. Its something I'm going to have to think about as I consider where I want my career to head, but it's definitely on the cards for the future." - The new New Zealand Specific Islands (No longer the All Blacks) team will be just about ready for their 2011 campaign!

That's it fool's done - some sillies:

 John Smit's and me thinks...films where the villain is played by a Brit XV - :

• 15. Salom's Lot 14. 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. 8. Braveheart 7. 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. 1.

Other results:

European Nations Cup Division 2A; Germany 34-5 Moldova. 2B; Latvia 20-9 Andorra 3A; Switzerland 13-5 Serbia

Some Heineken Cups; No games last week.

Argentina; Nacional de Clubes, semi finals: Tucuman 16-12 Asociation Alumni

England; Guinness Premiership: London Wasps 35-12 Newcastle Falcons

France; Top 14 - 3eme Journee: Dax 16-6 Auch. Pro D2 - 5eme Journee: Pau 19-7 Torbes

Italy; Super 10 - V Turno: Montepaschi Viadana 23-9 Feiri CZ Rovigo. Sierre A - VIII giornata: Futura Park Rugby Rome 37-19 Consiag I Cavatieri Prato, Termoraggi Cariparma Piacienza 46-26 Novaco Amotori Alghero

Spain's Division de Honour - 7º Jornado;Cajasol Ciencias 38-25 Getxo

Wales; Newport 33-19 Llanelli

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

And dem dere Caps and Proteas have been having some fun in their first ODI where the flowers snuck home, where in fact they already were, with a two wicket win.

S.A. Needed 11 off the final over to beat the 249 required. Andre Nel, of all people, hit the last two balls with back-to-back boundaries. He also got 3-46 in his 10 overs. He's also a prick.

Meanwhile across the water in Sri Lanka England had a shaky start in their three day match versus the Sri Lankan Cricket Presidents XI at the Nondescripts Cricket Club and were all out 134 in their first innings.

Vaughan, Bell and Pieterson fell in seven overs to the Sri's left arm quicks, on what was described a s a cabbage patch pitch - and only two-bob a collie

They soon recovered though with help from a 5 wicket haul from a revamped Hoggard, and then got them out for 81.

Vaughany admitted, "It's always good to win in this part of the world, especially after being bowled out for 130 odd. We feel in good spirits going into the first Test." - Pissed again.

Ricky Ponting meanwhile has called for no boundaries on the boundaries, stating, "I'd really like to see our playing areas a bit bigger." - Bigger.

He singled out the MCG and the Adelaide Oval for top digging, confessing, "It wouldn't be much fun being a bowler at them."

And then went on to give us his view on how a pitch should be laid out; "I think you should be making the playing surface as big as you can, with the wicket somewhere near the centre of the ground." - Damn right Punts!

And lastly Andrew Symonds is bracing himself for the Indian encounter and is dealing with it by calling Shanthakumaran Sreesanth a cocaine addict; the fool quotes, "He's just got white line fever."

mein furereherer

He then went on to explain that this doesn't bother him off the pitch; "I don't dislike him. Off the ground he is always polite. I saw him in the hotel and he said, g'day." - Do Indians say that?

Till next week...

Other sports:

Ricky Hatton's gearing up for next week's fight against Floyd Mayweather and has been getting some tips from his promoter Oscar De la Hoya, who lost to Floyd on a controversial split decision back in May, Oscar says, "Ricky brings a lot of speed and power while bringing intelligent pressure to the ring. Floyd relies solely on speed. The difference will make itself known when they fight." - Sure will, and is speed allowed in fights?

flowers

Ricky's also been telling us that he'll have no problem making the 140lb welter-weight limit, "Floyd has tried to insult me by calling me Ricky Fatton. But what he doesn't realise is I call myself that." - That's cos he's a daft Yank - no offence Yankee's.

He goes on, "Before training camp I enjoy myself like any normal bloke would. I feel I need to be out of shape before I get going. I need a mountain to to climb. It works for me. I like fast food and yes, I do like a drink. Some people who are vain would not admit it." - Much like the fool is Ricky!

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

Mr.Skin calls himself the worlds foremost authority on celebrity nudity and has concocted the Top 20 Movie (Film) Nude of 2007 - about time - at No.1 is: Marisa Tomei from Before the Devil Knows You're Dead - never heard of her. In at No.2 is Keeley Hazell from the film Cashback, which is all about a supermarket chek-out worker who freezes time to undress the 'hottest female clientèle' - love it. No.3 is, Natalie Portman in Hotel Chevalier. 4. Christina Ricci in Black Suck Moan - sounds interesting. 5. Sienna Miller in Factory Girl. Blah, blah, blah and No.20 was Lucy Liu in Rise: Blood Hunter - the fool would definitely like to see that.

Lapland is running out of elves so there a college course has opened up in Rovanieni to teach 'elfing' classes.

There's also a rock fest happening in Saigon this weekend, but some blokes have gone fishing!

Brits on average can queue one day a year for beer, that's two hours a month - more than treble the time for women. Londoners are worst hit with 46 days of queuing taken out of their lives from queueing. The North-West were next on 39 days. George Working from rent-a-keg.com, who did the survey said, "It's astonishing to find out how long people are actually forced to queue." - And it had nothing to do with him promoting his company!

Led Zeppelin are having a few problems going into their first gig for 19 years, at London's O2 arena, with 59-year-old Robert Plant having a few problems with his high notes, a tomato said, "He and guitarist Jimmy Page have had a few heated discussions about the upcoming gig. Jimmy is a bit rusty and Robert has been struggling with the high notes. To avoid any embarrassing vocal wobbles with the world watching they decided it would be best to transpose the songs in a lower key." - So much for their 1976 live album The Song Remains The Same

keeley

Also, London's Denmark Street, which is home to many a music shop, of which all have banned budding guitarists playing Stairway To Heaven, has a new shop where you ARE allowed to play the Zep classic. - There's always one isn't there - err, no.

Coming soon - cf's book club, which in effect is here, because here's book numero II...added to last weeks book numero I, plus a couple of ratings:...if I get the picture together that is...nope, no picture, -  here's the title of Book II by Tony Hadden (I think) The Curious Incident With The Dog - rating: 4

A reminder of last week's ↓ which has a rating of 5

Ratings

1. Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.

Geronimo's rifle sold at auction in San Fran this week for £48k. Wyatt Earp's shot gun fetched only £32k.

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XIII: At the Moscow Music Peace Festival of September 1989, Motley Crue's Tommy Lee recalled, "A so-called doctor plied the bands with whatever medicine they needed. It was a monumental festival of hypocrisy." - He then went on to marry Pam.

Meanwhile a Fabergé Egg, made for the Rothschild banking family, went for a record £8.98m at Christies in London. The egg has a clock face on it and every hour a cockerel (Not a real one) comes out of the middle and flaps its wings four times then nods three times, in all taking 15 seconds, which the fool wages is highly annoying. Beatrice Ephrasia gave it  to Germaine Helphen because she married her brother, the Baron de Rothschild back in 1905, which was the same year that the All Blacks got their name!

not pam but mmm

Smoking turns you bald! According to Taiwanese boff Dr. Lin hui Su who surveyed 740 men aged 65 and came up with, "Stastically significant positive associations between moderate or severe alopecia and smoking states." - It's just what I've got in my notes!

Talking of which, JRR Tolkien's great grandson Piers Crombleholme 27 was nicked this week for being in possession with intent to sell the doings of 39 cannabis plants. He kept them above his shop, where he sells knives and guns, in Dudley, West Midlands, UK. In court the judge said to him, "You are steeped in the drug culture and need help to be brought away from it." - To which he stated that the weed was not for sale but was for personal use only. He had no need to sell it because he has £100k from the Tolkien Trust. - Exactly, and just how does the judge think JRR wrote the bloody Lord of the Rings in the first place?

just pops out

A dog called Taffy ate his 40^th pair of pants this week, which eventually got stuck causing his owner Eubie Saaymar 34, who just happens to be a vet to perform a two hour emergency operation. Eubie said Taffy the springer Spaniel has already eaten 300 socks, 15 pairs of shoes and a Mercedes key fob. Eubie, who's obviously just bragging about his Merc and that he's a rich vet said, "Nine out of ten times nature takes its course, but this time he was in discomfort." - I can see him at home; his business has hit a slump and he's forcing the bloody things down the poor muts throat so he can operate and write into the papers. His wife Sarah who's 44 and obviously married him for the Merc said, "No matter where I hide underwear, he finds it." - Who Eubie or the dog?

Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.19: A man takes a Rottweiller to the vet, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "We'll", says the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes then he checks his teeth. Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." - The old ones are the old ones.

Ugly women set about for good looking blokes to give their babies a better chance, say boffs in Poland's University department of Anth-ropology. It is stated in the research journal Evolution and Human Behaviour after a study of single women that the ugly ones are genetically programmed to hunt for the stud, whilst beautiful women already have a head start and go for the money or social status. Someone clever and probably Polish said, "It can be hypothesized that women with higher waist-to-hip ratio, i.e. Less attractive ones, may more intensely 'hunt for genes' related to attractiveness to increase their off springs chances to be more attractive and have a greater choice of reproductive success." - Yeah, so back off ugly bitch.

light up

Lastly, Michael Corny 41 told a court that his cock was too small for him to be a flasher and brought along pictures for him to prove it. 'look, this is me on holiday. Me doing the hoovering...' Even when he pleaded to the six man and six woman jury in the Teeside Court that, "It causes embarrassment to myself, even to the point where it is with my wife." and "I wouldn't want myself to be seen in public like that." cut no ice as he's had seven convictions before. His best trick was to stand naked in his front window. Once he made it to the driveway. Another time he he was caught fully clothed in his back garden performing a sex act on himself whilst whistling in order to attract attention. The court found him guilty of outraging public decency. - Surely you can do what you like in your own home.

taffy

Don't forget to rock n roll now.

just cf it

cf