23rd - 29th July 2010 volume 390
July, 28th 2010 19:15 PM

“See that black boy over there, runnin’ scared

His ol’ man’s in the bottle”

(Gil Scott-heron)

 

 

 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

 

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 29.7.10                                          



For 2nd Royal Tank Regiment

 

 

 

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

 

Hare today, gone tomorrow!

The world’s strongest and most expensive beer is called The End of History. Scottish brewery Brewdog says their £500 ($750) a bottle limited edition pushes the limits of both strength and sanity.

 

In a freezing process whereby every last drop of the ‘crazy water’ is literally squeezed from the mix, Managing Director James Watt reminded us that, “This is the beer to end all beers.” – So, dispense with your battery acid, forget the rocket fuel and have one of these for the road, but not too much, as only a shot in a tumbler glass is recommended.

 

The brew, concocted in Fraserburgh, Scotland uses local juniper berries and nettles from the Highlands. And it has always been a trademark at Brewdog to make something a wee bit different; “We want to show people there is an alternative to monolithic corporate beers, introduce them to a completely new approach to beer and to evaluate the status of beer in our culture,” Said Mr. Watt.

 

 

In recent competition with their German counterparts Brewdog came up with Sink the Bismarck, which chugged in at 41% abv and their Tactical Nuclear Penguin drop proved something of an environmental awareness slurp, as too at the other end of the Richter scale did their more sombre mix of Nanny State which settled the nerves at 1.1%.

 

But if it’s The End of History you’re after then why not take it as it comes; in bottles rammed inside a decoratively restored road-kill of either stoat, squirrel or hare, which have been lovingly reconstructed by a taxidermist - Bottoms up.

 

 

Oh…Vienna

 

A very tenuous link to Vienna

 

If you’re not keen on a hair of the dog and want to wipe the slate clean why not bid for a confessional box for sale on eBay in Vienna.

 

 A church undergoing renovation put up the ad stating it would be ideal for, ‘a one person sauna, a small bar or a children’s playhouse.’

 

Spokesman Eric Leitenberger said, “Confessionals should not be converted into saunas or bars.” And it is believed the archdiocese has since stepped in to save the item from selling.

 

Perhaps 52 year-old Chinaman Wong Jun can shed some light on the situation as he is addicted to light bulbs and has munched his way through at least a thousand since his first tasted the light as a childhood dare.

 

Wang says his 25 a month habit cost him his marriage admitting, “If I don’t eat one for several days I get very nervous.” – His wife for only two months called time on their marriage saying the addiction was, ‘too weird’ and was gone in a flash.

 

Doctors said there are no side effects and he could go on eating the bulbs till the cows came home, which with an air of gloom he admitted weren’t half as tasty. Wang recommends a good 60 watt bulb is best with porridge and also goes down well with bread. Washed down with a nip of The End of History perhaps it could finally turn out the lights to his addiction.

 

Not so Great Dane

And lastly after a couple of old stoats, a sly squirrel and a much needed hair of the dog Amand M Packer complained to his vet that his sex life with his pet dog, a Great Dane he calls Christie Brinkley, has not been up to scratch lately.

 

“She doesn’t seem to be enjoying it much when we have sex.” Said the concerned 64 year-old, whose quote was relayed in a Californian court via the mutt’s worried practitioner?

 

“Maybe it’s because I haven’t been as energetic lately and that’s why she’s not enjoying it.”

 

Amand faces up to 5 years in jail, Haggis up and down Scotland are avoiding socialising with any squirrels and the archdiocese of the church in Vienna has promised to make a clean breast of things.

 

Nightcap anyone?

 

 

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘One of the Who’s better ones’

 

Take it away (only available on website!)

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: PEARL HARBOUR – Cold weather. An example would be – “It’s a bit Pearl Harbour out there” (There’s a nasty nip in the air).

 

 

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve, Geezer Butler, Albert Austin (silent film star), Roland Gift,

 

 

 

 

 

Animal news

Aptly named Mark Cook caught an Almaco Jack off the Cornish coast. After de-scaling and gutting the fish on the beach, rather do the messy job back at his campsite, he was about to eat it when it dawned on him that it might be a rare find in these waters. His mate called a local expert who confirmed the 2lb 12-15” long electric blue fish was indeed a British record and was normally only found in the Caribbean and Pacific.

 

Mark said, “As far as I was concerned it was dinner. When I found out I said, ‘don’t worry – I’ll catch another.’” – They come by every 100 years or so.

 

*Further up the coast in Newquay, Dan Muldowny was bitten by a 4ft sea snake he later interpreted as a Chinese Yellow bellied Gonad nipper…I’m sorry, I’m making it up now.

 

Number crunching

*China’s hairiest man Yu Zhenghuan is afraid he’s being typecast in his budding film career. Yu, who has 96% hair coverage first found fame as a child in a film called Monkey Boy’s Treasure Safari. Now following a TV show’s success of Journey to the West, Yu hopes to star in the film about a monkey who helps his Buddhist master. Hmmm, unless he’s playing the monkey I can’t see how he’s being type cast.

 

*Keeping in China I’m going to throw these numbers at you and I want you to transform them into a steel rod and Lu Jiang, got it? Good, now imagine Lu impaling himself from waist to neck diagonally on it, not missing an organ – ready? -125mm/ 2.5mm/ 3 hours.

 

Yeah, like me, you can just picture the whole city coming to look at the poor sod hanging like a flag off a pole and even the emergency services getting in a few pics before deciding how to go about ‘lowering’ him.

 

Not to say that’s the way accidents are looked upon in south East Asia, but that’s the way accidents are looked upon in south East Asia.

 

Lu said, as he hung precariously on a pole edge, “‘God, I’m still alive.’ I was terrified – everyone was looking at me and some had covered their faces in horror. I was pinned like that for more than an hour until emergency services could cut me free.”

 

Pah, go to Transylvania – Dracula has pole dancers for tea every night.


say cheese
 

*Elvis memorabilia is up for auction next month with his prized gold painted grand piano, going for a reckoned £1m. His gold framed glasses should rake in £12k, address book £2k, target pistol £5k and opal and diamond ring £30k. How much for the toilet seat?

 

*1 in 5 men in the UK chooses a move of house to be near a pub as opposed to a school, whereas nearly the opposite, at 15%, account for women.

 

*British sailor Mark de Rothschild skippered his six-man crew from San Francisco to Sydney in a catamaran made from 12,500 plastic bottles.

 

The Plastiki covered the 9000 miles of the Pacific in four months and its voyage was to raise awareness of toxins in our seas due to dumping plastic bottles. Now, I’m no scientist but this journey kind of defeats the object doesn’t it.

 

When he arrived at Sydney he wrote on his Twitter site, “We made it! We made it! We made it! We made it! We made it! We made it!” – To which I wrote back, “You did it! You did it! You did it!”

 

Batteries not included

Ok, lastly (I think), Swedish archaeologists have what they believe to be the world’s oldest woman’s sex toy. The 6” by 0.8” diameter phallic shaped ‘tool’ is made from a deer’s antler and is thought to be from around 4000BC.

 

Martin Rundkvist who is in charge of the dig at the Mesolithic site in Motola Sweden said, “Without doubt anyone alive at the time of its making would have seen the penile similarities just as easy as we do today.’ – Hmmm, could have been just an antler of course, as Swedes see sex in something as obscure as a bean bag…which on that point if you’ll just excuse me.

 

Special delivery

 

Keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

 

 

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

 
 
 

 

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