Crazy Fool's Newsround - 23rd - 29th Jan 09 volume 314

23rd - 29th Jan 09 volume 314
January, 29th 2009 20:21 PM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: Late January 1541. Hampton Court Palace. King Henry VIII’s favourite Jester, Will Somers, is ill and stand in fool is on cover.

Will: Just remember he loves the year of the Ox, he thinks he is one, he’s actually a pig!

(fool enters the court)

fool: Argh to be sure, isn’t it, no not I, shouldn’t wonder if…

Henry: (emits a low growl)

fool: A-ha, well said for sure Sire, for today we leap, nay, dare I say flutter into the New Year on a Buffalo’s wings and…

Henry: Bullocks

fool: No sire, tis true

Henry: Bullocks

fool: Ha ha, I see, said the blind man; by that I means a buffalo or more so naturally a fine, strong, hardworking beast, and me jesteresqual description being only that of an oxymoron

A deafening silence fills the Court

Henry: “Not sure what ye jest called me, but I like the cut of your gib fool – I’ll have it for breakfast tomorrow…with eggs. Take him away.

fool: Thank ye very big sire! (And he is dragged away muttering to he-self an ox, an ox, not ye Sire)

Narrator: Will fool live to see the Year of the fool or has he had his bacon? See the quiz to not find out:

1. Who was the Jester to the Court of Denmark?

2. Which car manufacturer made the first front-wheel drive vehicle?

3. The international car registration SF applies to which country?

4. What happened to the Bank of England ₤1 notes in 1940?

5. In which country is the city of Mendoza?

6. In which century was Martin Luther born?

7. What is the only English anagram of ASTRINGED?

8. The Marcus-Nelson Murders movie introduced what popular 70’s detective for the first time? A) Shaft B) Colombo C) Kojak

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? - 2009 – Seen as everyone fell at the first hurdle last week all runners and riders are to mount again for this their peak too far; - Clue No.1: “A slippery character, I still made it in the ‘Hall’ of Fame.” And lo, thus bringeth forth clue No.2, “I may be King of my ‘castle’ but I still get Badgered about.”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 3 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those unsure…oh, no, I’ll leave it up to you:

Dracule:

Legal Eagle: 1, (1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Quizmaster:

Casualty:

Others:

Quote(s) for the week:

It gets Arthur down, being so spotty, and he saw an advertisement which said, “Are you spotty? Are you very spotty? Are you unbelievably spotty? Tick in the right box and enclose five shillings.” So he wrote in saying, “I am almost unbelievably spotty. I enclose five shillings.” And he got a letter back saying, “Bad luck.” That’s all he had out of them.

Peter Cook

*Non-descript trivia moment*

US POSTAL SERVICE’S UNOFFICIAL MOTTO

‘Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.’

Inscription found on New York’s General Post Office (8^th & 33^rd), thought to originate from Herodotus’ description of the Persian couriers c.500BC, translated by Professor George H. Palmer of Harvard University. Contrary to popular belief, the motto has no official link with the USPS. – No surprise there then!

fool’s Gold

Red bananas from Costa Rica have a bigger dose than their yellow cousins of the antioxidant beta carotene, which helps prevent illness such as cataracts and even cancer

Half of all teenage boys say they would rather be rich than clever

Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand whilst drawing with the other

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

TET-a-tete-ing

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Lots this week, starting with; tall skinny people who are fit and don’t drink. Not because they’re tall and skinny. They could say the same about short, fat hairy blokes, but at least they drink and do not possess a self righteous, ‘I’m fit and healthy and run triathlons and am going to live longer than you because my body is a temple’, shiteness about them. Then, people who feel sorry for other people and show it in public, which only goes towards patronising the person who didn’t feel ridiculed in the first place but only showed the weakness of the person that thought the other person was just like them and would therefore probably be offended – with me? What about women drivers, especially those who can’t see over the wheel of a Toyota Fortuner and forever ride over the curb at a roundabout. And don’t get me started on folk who say garbage instead of rubbish, its rubbish you fucking oxy-morons. And the thing that’s really pissing me off is the one about goats, which I’ve forgotten, because I’m so pissed off about the others. Oh, and Evian water; tastes like shite – BASTARDS!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Pomello

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #2

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate, back on the minced lamb and by golly its good – Got any pies?

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Porcini steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

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Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; ducked away for TET – back next week

*Trigger: TET-a-tete with the Dig’s

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOWish – new and improved, with all the buttons – use them, they’re fun - Next one out – Soon, soon, very soon – maybe next week!

*Tit-bits – .../...I thought Tony Blair had some spin…/…An old cowboy…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with bogies is still doing the rounds whilst fool steady’s his kitchen. I’m making it this weekend if you’re interested? – Made it, loved it, ate it all in one sitting – 750g’s of the beast! – Although it was without the pie, kidney’s and oysters.

*Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*old...Fishman...old...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks! But for now catch up on the exploding monkey, lesbian divers and The Dog!

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – …Ox-on, Ox-on …

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie – there’ll be some frozen pickings soon and perhaps a round of Sumo, if you’re in Saigon that is!

Now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move on:

We’re still glugging at the Heineken Cup and are down pat to the last eight, which I’m told is near Can Tho, South Vietnam. Next week, the Six Nations start. The week after; the Super 14’s. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves eh.

Harlequins beat Scarlets 29-14 which contained patches of thunderous rugby wrapped around speed and counter attack. Quins came away on top with four tries to three, with Tom Williams getting the pick of the bunch. But Quins centre Jordan Turner-Hall puts a lot of their efforts this year down to a steady head and mostly Nick Evans’; “It puts belief in a team when you see someone who doesn’t crack under pressure. He’s definitely brought my game on.” – And mine.

Ospreys beat Leicester 15-9. In a game with no tries but in particular no love lost between the Welsh and English sides. It was a toughie and probably marred by the yap, yap, yapping and finger pointing by the Welsh management at Julian White for eye gouging. Both Welsh coaches ranted on in the press conference afterwards stating that White was a menace and they had video footage to prove it. They pointed out their own hooker Richard Hibbard, who was, “particularly disturbed by this.” Two days later Ospreys made a formal apology and said it was Martin Cory who was the man to blame. That effectively could end his career. In the meantime they won their group and move on to play Bath in the quarters. And hookers – harden the fuck up!

Bath drew with Toulouse 3-3 at the mud bath formerly known as the Rec – it is now. There’s certainly been some weather in Europe lately and the fool hasn’t seen a pitch like that for 10 or 11 years. The game of course was over shadowed by Matt ‘junkie’ Stevens’ absence, but also by the fact that Jean Baptiste Elissalde missed five kicks.

Bath’s coach Steve Meehan knew they had them on the racks and contained all the territory and put the French under all kinds of pressure. He was happy, but could have been happier, as he says, “One more score would have given us a home quarter final. We hoped we’d get a penalty but Toulouse’s defence was excellent and they showed their experience under pressure.

Toulouse do indeed scrape through to meet top seeds Cardiff who didn‘t lose a game and beat Calvisano 62-20 at the weekend – but believe you me that will be anyone’s game!

Gloucester’s slim hope of qualifying was dashed by a Biarritz 24-10 win and coach Dean Ryan conceded that their last three games were played in the most terrible of conditions and subsequently they didn’t adapt, he said, “We’ve got to work on our kicking game, but we always pride ourselves on moving the ball around.”

Biarritz are also out and with a great solo try from man of the match Dimitri Yachvili who reflected; “We’re really happy to win this game, but tonight it makes you think what might have been.” – Argh yes, Paris in spring, the smell of turps on your petticoat, those little scabs that you gave each one a name…

Perpignan also did all the right stuff in their final pool game beating Trevisio 50-16, but Leicester’s loss put pay to their advancement.

Wasps blew their chance by losing to Castres 21-15 despite a cracking Cip solo try. And although Sale managed a double over Clermont, this time 26-15, – both are out.

Stade Francais and Ulster shared a pride only game which the French snuck 24-19.

Munster crushed Montauban 39-13 with the red machine looking very formidable. Paul O’Connell coyly admitted their horde of tries, “We we’re lucky to get five tries but it’s great to have a home quarter final.” Munster mixed their play with a typical tight affair but also knew when to throw it wide, “We had said we had scored a few soft tries over the last two weeks. But they come through sustained pressure, pressure, pressure.” – Munster play Ospreys in April

Glasgow beat the Newport Gwent Dragons 13-10 and Leinster provided the final quarter final spot against Quins by beating Edinburgh 12-3. In an ultimately poor game that reeked of whistles and penalties, the weakened Scottish side held up well to some fine moves by the Irish backline. Backrower Jamie Heaslip kept pounding up the middle and B.O’D and Luke Fitzgerald are still working well together in the centres. But the man Rob Kearney is the man to watch at the moment; his lines of running and execution are superb. Harlequins will do well to sustain them.

Heineken Cup Quarter Finals, April 10^th-12^th:

Cardiff v Toulouse

Munster v Ospreys

Harlequins v Leinster

Leicester v Bath

Some Shorts:

Sale’s Saint Andre’s off to Toulon and rumoured to be taking Luke McAlister with him. That means Tana’s tying up his boot laces for the rest of the season and is going to have a run. The 35 year-old will still be manager till 2010, which is next year folks – wahoo.

B.O’D will continue to captain Ireland for the Six Nations and Chabal reckons he has never felt so passionate about playing for France as much as this year – yep, he’s back in favour and declared, “We’re going into the Six Nations to win.” – A cunning tactic.

And Mike Catt has given the Cip the what for. He says he hasn’t made a thorough enough come back yet, has played for or five bad games and one super try doesn’t cut the Coleman’s. He reckons Toby’s the man on form right now, which is pretty obvious as he was last year; “All he (Cip) needs to do is pass and kick well. But he’s trying to do all the flashy stuff all the bloody time.” – No need to swear on the fool’s round Catty – say blumming.

I’m done.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup – too late! Yes, he has had had two takers – and yes, he is now upping the anti to 2015 – and yes, the betting window for 2011 is closed – so up yours.

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get. Please call now: please, someone call…

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free tshirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

And just when you thought Australia were getting shite, put an r on the end - Because let’s face it, no one loves to see nothing more than the Man U’s, Chelsea’s and All Blacks get a good drumming.

India beat Srlanks, but who cares? And KP just won’t let it lie, but first:

Australia went in to salvage the series on Monday against the Proteas but came up woefully short this time. Previous games had seen the ball come down to the last over, which although you may have thought the Aussies were lucky to have reached, were nevertheless, there. But this time it was big.

They made 222 all out and from then on in were never in it. The Punts knew it; “An eight-wicket loss with 12 overs to go is a big loss in a one-day game. We’ve come up a long way short on this occasion.” He saw the problem, “Five overs cost us. From once again getting up near 280 to 300, to struggle to 220 as you saw on a very, very good batting wicket and a very fast outfield.” – Not going well. In fact gone, well, the ODI series.

However, both teams kick off at the WACA of Friday, where the Aussies will be looking to regroup. They’ll also be wondering what to do with their fast becoming idiot mascot Symonds, who this week is under a Cricket Association Code of Conduct hearing for calling New Zealand’s Brendan McCullum a ‘lump of shit’ on the radio. – You turn up pissed – ok. You go fishing – ok, you ‘playfully’ abuse someone on the radio – you’d think you might keep it to the dressing room.

Over in St Kitts Colly said he was dead set for becoming England’s vice captain, saying, “Strauss is going to need a lot of help from the older guys and I’ll put my hand up.” – Alistair Cook was named vice captain.

KP notched 103 off 90 in that game against St. Kitts with Owais Shah 125*. Strauss fell to the only decent ball of the day for a 2^nd ball duck. And has KP gotten over losing the captaincy – by buggery no. Everything that he and England were implementing is happening now, even down to the captain’s speech regarding everyone to be their own captain and should be taking more responsibility for their actions. “That’s one frustration.” He said, “What I wanted, Strauss has got. But I’m not in charge anymore. Getting hundreds is what turns me on – so today is good.” – Legs and bums…and tits…oh sorry, are good.

He then turned on the press; “What you guys did to me for a couple of weeks really hurt. But now I must get back to doing what I really love. I love to entertain and I love batting. I love scoring runs for England.” – Phew, just got that one in.

When asked about Strauss going for a duck; “Shit job isn’t it? But that’s life.”

Till next week…

Other sports:

The Ricky Hatton and Manny Pacquiao fight is on; 2^nd May in Vegas. So too is the David Haye v Wladimir Klitschko heavyweight bout on 20^th June. Not in Vegas but probably an outhouse in Clacton-on-Sea or somewhere equally exotic. Wladimir 32 and brother Vitali 37 flipped a coin to see who would fight the Brit after he held up a fake head of Wladimir at a press conference. Vitali said, “The coin flew high, landed and Wladimir was Victor.” – Just how many brothers are there!

Evander Holyfield 46 is to have another crack at the Beast from the East, Mikolay Valuev, and not the previously touted Mike Tyson. Evander’s manager Ken Sanders said, “A third fight with Tyson is just not happening. In fact we’re talking to Valuev’s team about a rematch in April.” He goes on to say, “Tyson is walking around at something like 280lb’s and couldn’t fight if he wanted to – anyway he’s a coward.” – Well said manager, just what I would have said from 14,000 miles.

Lance Armstrong is thinking of a Tour de France come back. He’s just finished 28^th in the Tour Down Under and it gave him hope. The seven time Tour de Force champ said, “It gives me reassurance I can still do this. We haven’t been doing any specific work, we’ve just been riding. So it’s good that we’re at this level when we are out just basically riding for fun.” – He’s a freak, super freak…

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

It was discovered this week that the Nazi’s publicised photos of Hitler in the 1930’s which kids would swap like some kind of modern day football stickers. A war vet unveiled his 138 photos of the Furher in such dramatic poses as; skiing, dressed for dinner, on a train, with Mussolini and in a more human touch with Goebels daughter. Historian Dr. Ricardo Bavaj of St. Andrews University said, “The Nazi’s made movies, posters and albums to influence people in an almost subconscious way.” – Just like fool; here’s a photo of my puppies ↓

Meanwhile it seems Queen Liz and Phil the Greek are lucky to be with us today. According to ex Det Superintendent Cliff McHardy 81, some anti-monarchy Australians tried to assassinate them 40 years ago. Logs were placed on the rail tracks as the Royals travelled from the Blue Mountains to Sydney. Cliff said, “This was an act of deliberate sabotage. If the train had reached normal speeds it would have ploughed off the tracks and into the embankment.” – That was 29^th April 1970. Unfortunately Buckingham Palace have no records of the incident.

Neither does the British MoD in connection with their love of crop circles. Colin Andrews is miffed. He’s an avid crop circle enthusiast and author of Circular Evidence. He says the Liz and Phil are paid up members of his 6 a year subscribers to Colin’s Crop Circle Roundup. He says, “What has infuriated me is that the MoD continues to deny the Royal family took an interest in the subject when I know for a fact they did.” – I’m with you Colin – they’re on fool’s mailing list too.

a cropped circle?

And now some news regarding the recession: British beer consumption in pubs was down 8.3% in the last 3 months of 2008 - Ok; let me put that clearer – that’s 2million pints a day, and 39 pubs closing a week!

On a happier note, the Tokyo Club in Oldham, Gtr Manchester have been offering all you can drink for ₤5.99 on a Friday night – that’s lager, whisky, shots the lot – its their January sales. MP Phil Wooles sees the floors and offered to produce Oldham’s publicity campaign; “Come to Oldham and you’ll get beaten up.”

Manager John Johnson of the exotically named Tokyo Club said his hands were tied due to the economic epidemic, “Clubs in Bury and Halifax are giving away drinks fro 90p. It’s getting worse, especially with the climate being what it is. We don’t like it but we have been forced into it. We had to do something.” – Turn it in to a knocking shop, that’ll keep the council quiet.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! On 23^rd January 1999 it was officially announced in the Walford Gazette that Jon Bon Jovi were in fact shite.

Dad, David Cory is an Interactive Telecommunications student at New York University and has made a Twitter belt that detects a baby’s kick from the womb. Mum Ellen where’s the belt and every time their baby Tyler kicks a message is sent to dad’s phone or computer, which says, ‘I kicked Mommy’. To make it even more sickly worse 600 other sad idiots have logged onto their ‘call’ – Pah, nothing, you know how many hits fool gets a week?

Children grow more in spring.

And Sony’s just knocked out a TV that is thinner than toast, just 9.9mil thick – and if you want to win a crazy fool’s tshirt write in and tell him who sang Toast. – He’ll post it to you.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “Why is a person who handles your money called a ‘Broker’.”

Lucky money: Ian and Lynda Spires went to insulate their loft and under the dust and grime found the flooring was made from antique railway destinations boards worth ₤20k. Ian from Milton Keynes Bucks, where they have concrete cows said, “I saw the names at my feet as I scraped away the dust. “ – The auctioneer commented, “There was a treasure trove in that loft.” – Millions of people are now looking in their lofts. I am and I haven’t even got one.

lucky charms

A two ton cheesecake jus broke the record in Mexico City this week. If you’re wondering that’s 20,000 slices about that big.

The jellyfish Turritopsis Nutricula has been dubbed The Immortal as it never dies! After adult life the 5mm ‘thing’ starts to become young again – how? Sex; of course. The fish emerged from the Caribbean and has since spread throughout the world and is causing a somewhat disruptive balance. I’d say – I bet all the fish want it. Dr. Maria Miglietta from Smithsonian Tropical Research Institution Panama said, “We’re looking at a worldwide silent invasion.” – Now, you just know there will be folk asking for jellyfish n chips this weekend…to takeaway!

Alexandre Kirilov is 44 and comes from Moscow and this week had his knob bitten off by a racoon which he was trying to rape. He admits he was drunk and with when pals when he said, “When I saw the racoon, I’d thought I’d have some fun.” His mates got him to casualty, and his old chap where plastic surgeons sewed it back on. One of his mates said, “He’s been told they can get the thing working again but they can’t sew on what the racoon bit off. That’s gone forever, so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with.” – That’s why you need mates to keep taking the piss in your hour of need.

Ok, lastly a sales assistant from a call centre in Sheffield UK phones a woman who told them they’d have to speak to her husband who would be home later then put down the phone. Michelle Newbold, who sounds very bright said, “The customer didn’t put the phone down right. And all you could hear was her having really noisy sex with some bloke. You’ve got to laugh!” – Yes indeed Michelle you do