Crazy Fool's Newsround - 23rd - 29th April 10 volume 377

23rd - 29th April 10 volume 377
April, 29th 2010 00:53 AM

“If you can just get your mind together

Then come across to me

We’ll hold hands’ and then we’ll watch the sun rise

From the bottom of the sea”

(Jimi)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 29.4.10

For the 28^th regiment Royal Engineers

And now let’s hear it for the news:

Bongbong bong:

Take that look off your face,

I can see it in your eyes…his eyes…

The world’s first total face-off was deemed a success this week. 30 medics in Vall d’hebron University Hospital in Spain pieced together a patient’s muscles, skin, nose, lips, jaw, palate and cheekbones in a 24hour operation on 20^th March.

During 10 previous partial operations veins and arteries were extracted and fattier tissues removed, kept in a pickled jar of roll-mop herrings, next to the surgeons cheese and tomato sandwiches, which garnished with a generous sprinkle of course black pepper are delicioso.

Dr Butler of Britain’s Royal free Hospital, whose team have had the technology to do this kind of operation for years, but lacked a doner, said, “We congratulate Dr. Barrat and his transplantation team in Spain on what may be the most complex facial transplantation operation carried out so far in the world.”

‘What may be…’! You’d think they might just have heard of someone else doing it, bar of course Frankenstein and John Travolta. It’s transplanting a whole face.

Meanwhile Dr Butler was last heard whispering out the corner of his mouth to his assistant Igor, “I don’t care how you do it , just get me a doner.”

In the world’s first successful face-off operation in Britain this week, surgeons successfully attached a large kebab to the Elephant man …

Three cherries

Stephen Hawkins has warned that if Aliens are coming, it’s not for peace. Or number two’s.

From the set of Independence Day 2 he said, “It’s most likely their planet has run out of resources. If aliens ever visit us, the outcome could be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.” – But there are a lot of casinos.

Hello…is there anybody there…

cos I wonder where you are

and I wonder what you do

Blood thirsty video games are good for kids and old people alike. That’s the findings of Dr. Lorenza Colzete from Leiden University in Holland.

He went on to say, “Playing video games helps the natural reflexes, it makes players more responsive and able to switch between different tasks such as email and taking a phone call. They need to be flexible.”

I’m having a shit whilst typing this so I reckon I could be an astronaut…

phone rings…

‘Are you having a sheeet?’

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Much like Shirley Temple, Jimi Hendrix always has 56 curls in his hair.’

Are you really experienced?

My ID

The first new sets of 3D TV’s have hit Britain’s shops. The 40” screens cost £1,799 but, you need a special cable worth £200 to make it work, you also have to wear those annoying glasses and on top of that there is only one film available on DVD – Aliens v Monsters, starring Stephen Hawkins as Princess Learjet… who? Doesn’t matter, move on.

crazy fool’s radio is in 3D – you need special glasses, a good book, ear muffs and a pool of water to dunk your head in, just your head… More ice nurse.

Most famous people from Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: OHNOSECOND; That miniscule fraction of time in which you realise that you’ve just made a big mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’)

Target 3 o’clock…

It’s coming out of the sun

A memo from Britain’s Foreign Office was leaked this week in regards to the Pope’s visit in September.

A list of ideas comprised headed, ‘The ideal visit would see…’: Benedict branded condoms, open an abortion clinic, bless a gay marriage, sack dodgy Bishops, sell the Vatican, apologise for the Armada and sing a song with the Queen for charity.

It was rejected, as being far fetched. Yet Mohammad gets away with a bear suit.

I saw the Pope in London in 1982, well, I would have if I wasn’t in the bushes watching Kerry Kraton get her tits out… nipples like fighter pilots thumbs.

Take aim…

In the London marathon Tsegaye Kebede from Ethiopia won in 2hrs 15mins 18secs. David Ross was the first fancy dress character in 3hrs 7mins 34secs, he was Fred Flinstone and was apparently tired of saying ‘Yabba Dabba Doo’. Princess Beatrice was the first ever Royal to achieve the feet along with 68 others, as she was in a catapillar chain tied together with 34 people called Taari and Camilla and Rupert and the like.

47 runners were hospitalised, 6,515 were treated on site, plus 170 spectators - boy that have been tiring watching.

And Andy Seery 42, a copper from Hants is still running – in fact he’s running a marathon a day for 30 days from London to Poland.

He’s absolutely buggered with blisters and tendonitas in both ankles. Doctors have told him to quit, but the man raising money for Help for Heroes said, “I’m too stubborn to quit. I was a bit low when I got injured through Germany but the 28^th regiment Royal Engineers fixed me up and put me right.” – They shot him from a cannon.

Bigger boobs require bigger mannequins.

Believe

Artist Alexa Meade from America, oil paints people and their clothes to make them look, well, like oil paintings.

“My paintings spin reality.” She said, and, “What one experiences cannot always be interpreted as face value. Seeing it, is not necessarily believing it.” – Kung Fu Panda says believe.

Time wasters

Belgian lad Oliver Vandervaulle threw a message in a bottle over the side of his parent’s boat 33 years ago in the English Channel. A lady in Swanage, Dorset found it on the beach and tracked him down by facebook.

It read, “I am sailing on a boat of 18metres. Her name is Tamaris. While I am writing this letter we have just past Portland Bill on the south west coast of England. We left this morning.”

Portland Bill was going the other way and picked up his bottle is my bet.

It goes on to give his name and details, but quite frankly I think he should be reprimanded for wasting the RLNI’s time and resources. Imagine if they had found it and sent out a search and rescue that could have lasted 33 years, just to find he’s alive and well and is working as a waiter with a family and two kids – time waster!

The Loch ness Monster is real

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

The rugby bit:

Published 29.4.10

Heineken Cup:

Guinness Premiership:

Northampton took their first home defeat of the season on the chin. Saracens delivered the knockout by a single pointer - 28-27. Ben Foden scored a late try thanks to a Shane Geraghty pass for the Saints but Shane fluffed an easy conversion to plop the win/ Leicester put 40 past Quins 22 to secure their home semi. Four tries and 25 points by Flood heads them back on top/ At the other end of the table Leeds and Worcester had £1m on ‘winner stays up’ stakes, plus a fight in the stands between players dad’s. Leeds unwittingly sealed it by half time with three penalties and saw her home 12-10. Leeds coach Neil Back said it was a poor performance but a better celebration than the World Cup when he had to spend two hours talking to the media/ Wasps and Bath managed to cram in 60,000 at Twickenham for what was billed as the St. Georges Day game. Bath, who have been running a hot and cold season straddled a fourth place spot for a bash against Leicester with a 35-19 win. Ollie Barkley got one try and Joe Maddock a hat-trick, in a game that Wasps had licked!/ Gloucester stunned L. Irish 34-20. Lesley Vainikolo, Alasdair Dickins and James Simpson-Daniel’s tries added to Nicky Robinson’s boot/ Newcastle beat Sale 32-30

Top 14:

Toulouse beat Castres 25-17. At 12-6 to Castres, all by the boot, Toulouse’s Vilimoni Delasau and Cedric Heymens flew in two quick tries. Laurant Cabanes snuck one back for Castres, however, from a big scrum No.8 Finau Maka steered Toulouse to a home semi against…Castres/ In the battle for relegation Bayonne survived despite losing to Montauban 22-8, who in turn would have survived but for bankruptcy. Euros3m in the red now makes them wonder why they ever built that Euros1.7m grandstand in honour of their President/ Brive were pipped 23-26 by Toulon. Brive’s Scott Speeding opened the try count on the 14^th minute. Gabriele Lovobalou levelled on the hour, with Sonny Boy-Williams extending the lead for Toulon before Argentinean winger Horacio Aguella’s try set up a ding-dong finish, however for the Brivean’s the bell tolled/ Biarritz went down to Clermont 19-26 – usual scorers – Damien Traille popped over a drop goal for the surfing coast and Napalioni Nalaga scored two tries for the Michelin boys/ Stade Francais hammered Racing Club Metro 92 with five tries winning 41-17, but they’re out of next year’s Heineken Cup and this year’s semi’s so this was just typical Parisian arrogance of what they can really do. Racing play away to Clermont in the other semi/ Perpignan put six past Albi to notch 44-0. No need for names, except maybe Gregory Le Corvec who scored in each half/ Monpellier beat Bourgoin 34-27 with scores from Manoel Dall’igna x2 and Marc Giraud for Montpellier, Trinh-Duc for Vietnam and superb fight back tries from Romanian Bogden Leonte and Sebastian Laloo for the Bourgouies/

Magners League:

Ulster beat Edinburgh 37-25. Jamie Smith scored the first try for Ulster then the Scots got two back before the break via Turnball and Tom Visser. In the second half they recruited Casper who was mulling around the castle and he courtesy let in Simon Danielli, Ian Whitten, Ian Humphries and Stephen Ferris/ Connaught then signed Casper and dribbled miserably to Scarlets in a 58-0 drubbing. Still, the Irish have a semi-final against Toulon on Friday in the Amlin Challenge Cup, which will be something to look forward to! / Ospreys beat Munster at Thomond Park 15-11 – just hold the frying pan a minute, what is happening to some of these results – there are some real turn-ups and we haven’t even got to the Mighty Force in the Super14’s yet! But back to the Ospreys and Dan Biggar’s boot forced the win, coupled with some fierce resistance from Marty Hollah and Ryan Jones’ in defence/ And get out that frying pan again because Glasgow have just beaten Leinster 30-6. Sure, it may have been a 2^nd XI but Bernado Stotoni and Robert Dewey’s x2 tries go down on the score sheet.

www.cfnr.co.uk

Super14’s

Reds continue their meteoric rise from whipping boys to heroes by beating Stormers 16-13. However, Andries Becker scored first for the Capetonians after just 3 minutes. Will Chambers returned the flavour for the Reds on the 48^th minute prompting Will Genia to disclaim, ‘We are playing good footy.’/ Tah’s beat Brumbies in a slog fest. In a game full of scrum re-sets Lachie Turner scored the only try by a kick through from Berrick Barnes/ The Force, the Mighty Force denied Crusaders a losing bonus point by putting three tries past them in 10 minutes to make it a 24-16 win. In a game of competitive turnovers Richie McCaw conceded, “The Force were too good for us in the second half.” Nathan Sharpe put his teams efforts down to a gutsy performance in which only is their third win in ten/ Lions put up a good fight against Bulls before running out of puff and finally going down 51-11. The Bulls scored five tries in the last 15 minutes with Wynand Oliver securing the bonus point and keeping the fool’s fantasy team alive. Pierre Spies continues to be the constant freak of this tournament with a display of monstrous athleticscism/ The Sharks late surge also continues, they beat Blues 23-10/ ‘Canes and Highlanders shared an excellent game with nothing to play for but pride. At 26-24 in the sheds Nonu’s try broke the stalemate with ten minutes to go. Bronson Murray secured a bonus point for Highlanders on the buzzer, but his barrage under the posts could only manage a 31-33 defeat/ Chiefs and Cheetahs locked horns at 25 each despite a 5-3 try count by the Chiefs, nevertheless, it was good to see the Siv returned from injury and in menacing form.

fool says:

As it pans out this week they’re all corking games, but the likes of Hurricanes v Chiefs doesn’t mean jack as neither are going to win the Super 14. Then you look at Stormers v Crusaders/ Brumbies v Reds and Bulls v Sharks and you’ve got a panic on the fourth of July!

So to save myself any confusion fool’s gunning for the three home sides except the last one and that’s big bait for any punters - then he’ll sneak over the Black Water Premiership and pluck diddly-squat because it’s Heineken Cup semi-time – and that means Munster over home side Biarritz but Leinster will be culled by Toulouse’s home advantage. – Savvy?

Some shorts:

As South Africa formerly prepared to apologise for requesting no Maori’s attend the 1928, 1949 and 1960 tours, the NZRU were quick to cry, ‘oh, bugger, that means we have to apologise too for agreeing.’ Chiefs star Sione Lauki celebrated by driving his car off the road at 4.30a.m. He careered through a fence, rolled it and landed in a field breaking only his arm and the next morning’s court appearance for punching a man in the face in a nightclub on 5^th March – happy days. He’s now off to Clermont.

Lithuania in the meantime became rugby’s newest record breakers by rattling off 18 consecutive Test wins. The run started in Hungary in May 2006 and finished with a 77-5 belting of Serbia this week. Somewhere in their European fixture list they also get to play (and beat obviously) Israel.

After the storm in Melbourne’s tea cup bubbles to a settled wet fart Stephen Hoiles will still not be joining the Rebels. His plans of upping his bunty by way of a 3^rd party endorsement to increase his wages have been scupperred by the ARU in suggestion that the Brumbies will not be tantamount to any horse play. A spokesman said, “We had indications from the Rebels they would like to work with us ensuring there is no innuendo or speculation.” – Well, that’s as clear as mud then.

Some competitions now: If you’d like to take part in fool’s rugby comps check out the comps & results page –win a prize!

Send your team(s) to cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Also - See THE NEW extra RUGBY BIT’s new column for: ‘Gezza Strip’

end rugby here!

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www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

A willow the wisp of cricket now:

And now ladies and gentlemen a thribble on the light side:

A horse a horse,

I’ll bet anything on a horse

As the IPL settled into offshore bank accounts and back bench MP’s ran out of backs to stab the daddy of it all Lalit Modi found he had sailed to close the fan and now the proverbial’s in other pockets.

Too many games, not enough decent games and more games to come next year when two more franchises join the bookies circus – can’t wait!

It is still unclear whether these competitions produce talent or nurture the old. Let’s let Brad Hadden remind us; “I don’t think it’s a young person’s game. You look at the success of Hayden, Gilly, Tendulkar, Roy and the life of the IPL, the best players of the game are still the one’s that are performing.” - Roy

Yet, finals are worth their drama in anyone’s stew and Chennai’s disposal of the Chargers by 38 runs in the semis made their beating of the table leaders Mumbai by 22 runs in the final all the more chunkier.

Suresh Raina held fast on 57* helping the Super Kings total 168-5 – because at 68-3 after 12 overs things weren’t looking so rosy.

The Sach put on 48 for the Indians to tally 146-9, and Keiron Pollard put in a chase of 55 in three overs to keep the crowd on the game. He hit two 6’s and two 4’s in one of Doug Bollinger’s final overs. But it was Morkel who came to the rescue for the Kings in the 19^th over – shazz-but

Now countries will battle it out in, what is fast becoming a credited form of cricket, in the World Twenty/20 in the Windies.

If you want a dark horse think Black Beauty then put your handkerchiefs down and think England. They’re the Spanish footballing equivalent in this arena, except when we think of Spain we wonder why they haven’t won anything being that they’re so good.

Yet, with an English batting line up of, and I use the term English lightly, Kieswetter, Lumb, Morgan, Bopara and the ever present Colly you might suggest calling Modi’s bookie.

Michael Lumb is the latest South African to tickle the willow in an England shirt, but if you ask him, he’ll tell you he’s as English as Jam, after all, he gives Boycott a ribbing at the drop of a hat.

Lumb’s father opened with Boycott in 1796 and said of him, “When dad talks about Geoff Boycott, he normally talks about a lot of run outs. I think it something like 10-0. He stuffed dad a few times by the sound of it.”

Graeme Smith is sorry to see him and Kieswetter slip through the nets but still recognises a potential win for any side (except Afghanistan of course) and said, “It’s a very short, intense tournament and lots of teams are close together. I think any tem can beat anyone on their day.”

Well, The Zim’s beat Australia by 1 run in their warm up game, so perhaps he’s right.

However, Modi’s sailing by somewhere, looking for a sly wicket and stinking of scam, as England coach’s Flower’s said, “I expect spin to play a big part.”

Till next week…

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Other Sports:

In F1

Words of wisdom from 80 year-old Stirling Moss have never been wiser, “People are saying Schumaker is past it now, which he probably is.”

Meanwhile Alonso has had his thumbs insured for £9m. A spokesman from Ferrari’s sponsor Santander explained that not only are thumbs essential for F1 driving, but also, “represent a sign of victory and that everything is under control and well protected.”

Medeivil bowmen would also gesture that things were ok if they ever returned from being captured, as it was common to chop them off. The thumbs that is… just the thumbs – oi, you giving me the evil’s!

In boxing:

www.cfnr.co.uk

World Cup news:

Sadly it is still on, however, inside word is that it is going to go off, so if I were you I’d be thinking of getting the flip out of there

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com
Not just a walk in the park

And now this:

Play of the Day by Jimmy Hill

It is Him

The scene: Having shared capers and larks with the Swizz press Jimi and fool head for a Bbq

Narrator: Is that it?

fool: yes. Pressed for time this week

Narrator: the quiz:

1. Who, just like Shirley Temple, always had 56 curls in their head?

2. In which country do soldiers wear skirts called fustanella?

3. What can be done if an object is scissile?

4. Which film studios were founded by Harry, Sam, Albert and Jack?

5. Which word can describe a listening device, an illness and an insect?

6. What type of fruit is a jargonelle?

7. Brassica Rapa is the Latin name for which vegetable?

8. What would you call painting so realistic it may fool viewers into thinking the objects are real? A) Moire B) Sotto in su C) Trompe l’oeil

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

cf’s Quiz Night at… in 2010!

WHO AM I? – 2010 – Rod Stewart – NO. Bram Stoker – NO. Paul Simon – NO. Dame Ednar – NO – Joe Dallesandro – NO Dwight Frye - NO. Recaparooney (That isn’t a clue) - YES, “I sang a song about that mariner looking for water.” – and we all know I completely forgot who ‘I’ was meant to be there, so let’s start a new one eh! “I was the best Dracula’s keeper.” And No.2, “I didn’t have to roll up my trouser leg to get the part.” As the stumping continues will progress to round three, “Such a cunning fox, I was in fact a rat.” “In The fool of the Roman Empire, this was me - This picture maybe a clue!” – “It couldn’t be easier unless I gave you my name, which is French for house.”

Is it me?

Send in answers to: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Welcome to the 2010 scoreboard; week 19 bonus points tally in brackets for the first answer in. (For all previous answers to the main quiz see: *comps and results page in the categories.)

With all the ones and the brackets:

The Slackers, pardon I, The Regulars

Dracule:

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1 (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure:

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1, (1, 1, 1, 1)

Casualty:

Aye:

Others: flip-all

Let’s move on shall we:

Quote(s) for the week:

Saffy: Mountaineers have died falling into shallower ravines than your wrinkles!

Absolutely Fabulous

*Non-descript trivia moment*

FIREWORK CATEGORIES

Category 4 Professional fireworks. Not suitable for use by the general public. A special licence is required.

fool’s Gold

In all his film contracts James Stewart was granted the right to select all the hats he would wear on screen

In the 1700’s in London you could purchase insurance against going to hell

All porcupines float in water

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one

every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their restaurants in Saigon, Vietnam

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

The word is we have no word, but we do have this from the Doc…

The ancient Greeks referred to their religious rites and doctrines as mysteria and were sworn to secrecy about the rites they witnessed and performed. The term eventually found its way into English to mean a religious truth, divine revelation, or the mystical presence of God. Mystery as something unclear and difficult to grasp. This will also be the word used for the upcoming and unexplained absence Dr. Phil on this page.

[10:53:43 AM] Mark Wildblood: oops

- The word is MYSTERY

Letters:

Today’s letter is, 2

www.cfnr.co.uk

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Tickly hairs – little blighters that merrily cascade from the head; dwindling in their individual plights of menace. Sometimes from the ear, but age has reared them young and brittle and not yet fully mature to perpetrate angered stimulation.

They surreptitiously scatter across the back just out of reach. They usually surface post shower, silent in their quest, dormant in their lullaby before a gale force nine pursuit of Blitzkriegean proportions whence they attack with utter irritation, remorseless, annoyance et 11 and a total body well-being anarchic rapore with tranquillity.

I’ve recently set a trap; it’s my daughter, she cleans the back like a parasitical follicle pecker on a wallowing hippo. Then we collect the stray itchings put them in a field and bomb the bastards – tickly hairs - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

The brush that dusts hair off you neck at the barbers.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

www.cfnr.co.uk

Ok, what else is on in cfnr this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; normal service will resume soon

*Trigger: with his brother

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Snoop Dig

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Randall, Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…Some more letters from Viz…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

*Comps and results

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…vroom, vroom…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity