*Tit-bits will be doing their rounds again this week. New *poem on its way and de *Bongo Massif Bros inform me they’ve come straight from Glastonbury and will be with us shortly. Bless em eh.

 

No porn surveys this week but a Mr. Meena did write in and thanked fool for locating his lost fat weird uncle from the Christian Crusades of 1963.

 

fool kindly wrote back and told him to, ‘get fucked you weird little shit.’

 

It’s the medication you know, I think we’d better go to the rugout eh:

 

And by golly, they’re rolling in thick and fast now eh. fool senses something big on the horizon, something monumental, mental, mental is going to happen soon – I know, let’s have a World Cup – I know, it’s a bit sudden, a bit off the cuff, but, what the heck!

 

Yes, folks, the pre warm up games to the warm up games are over and now it is the warm up games. And so far they are not disappointing. But as Graham ‘eyebrows’ Henry said of the All Blacks win over the Is-it’s 26-21, and for once I’m tending to agree with the old scrote, he said, “I don’t think it’s a psychological blow ahead of the World Cup. It is a good start for us in the Tri-Nations.”  - One step at a time sweet Jesus.

 

I’ve never fancied all the talk of an All Black / S.A final, but that’s another story and last weekends story was, it has to be said, worthy of a good final in anyone’s cup – except yours, yes you, you know who you are, no not you ma’am, yes him, next to you…bastard!

 

The credentials in this game were; intensity, longevity and composure. And it was the old heads of a composed All Black side that prevailed. They didn’t flag, drop their heads or melt in a South African bash-up fest, but basically told the young Boks, in no uncertain terms, ‘we’re in this till the end.’

 

Oh sure, the Boks came out fighting, even bloody Percy was in on the action, bashing up Rodney So’oialo, which wasn’t necessary, but Rodders soon showed the old gay-boy how to keep on your toes.

 

Then there was Bakkies Botha, who was keen to rub salt in the Blacks wounds after they scored a try – he really does look like an ex-Vali copper eh!

 

But for all the cheating South Africans off the ball incidents Schalk Burger once again shone like a thumping bag of freshly toned air. The South Africans dominated the lineout, as expected, the Blacks dominated the scrum, as expected, but between The McCaw’s and Burg’s and the scurrying on the deck, ball in hand and hits – the latter would have got that week’s medal.

 

The All Black’s are hard to beat, it’s as simple as that, but they’re happy to have had a tough game, Graham said afterwards, “The All Blacks haven’t played a Test match of that intensity since…probably since, last years Tri-Nations. It’s great to be back to that quality of rugby again.”

 

McCaw paid homage to what he described as the, ‘pace and physicality’ of the game and was almost meek in his victory lauds, he somewhat tipped his titfer to the Boks by saying, “Eventually we got ourselves going, but we have to get that going right from the start because there will be some days where we don’t get out of jail.” – Lags, all of them.

 

Next game up sees the All Blacks travel to Melbourne for a Wallaby showdown, and ex Black legend front rower Richard Loe says the Dunning who-ha of late is a pile of rubbish, and the last thing he’s seen is a revival of a Wallaby front row.

 

Richard explained it’s the last quarter of the game where the acid test is, and “When Australia were hard on defences in the last minutes, when the South Africans landed those drop goals, which were by no means a fluke, the front rowers, especially Dunning, were quite lethargic and not doing much work at all.” – Big fat point – big fat Dunning.

 

Knuckles has also been told to stop his whining about dropping the drop goals to one point by Aussie renowned journalist Greg Growden; “What’s all this ridiculous carry on that field goals (drop goals) should be reduced to one point? Absolute rubbish.” He reckons they should be worth 4, 5 or even 6; he goes on, “It is clear no-one has taught them to properly kick a ball. Instead many toss the ball up as if they are a spinner at a two-up game, and jab away at it as if they have their leg caught in a revolving door.”

 

Campese’s giving the Wallaby’s a bit of stick too. He was snubbed by players to give out the jerseys against South Africa because he’s bagged the Wallaby’s for the past couple of years. He says he’s a columnist now, and that’s what he does. He says he’s not going to ‘write things nice and cuddly’ about them and that, “The Wallaby’s have played 15 games away from in the past five years against N.Z., S.A and France, and they have not won one of them. Not one. How do I make that look better?” – Lie!

 

Still, let’s not get bogged down on the bagging and go for results; fool says the Blacks by 19 – yes, he said that last week, but probability and all that – other bloke down the pub is adamant Aus will do it…the fool can’t see it.

 

Lots of other news: The ARU are super pissed off the Is-it’s are touring Australasia without 21 top Boks – 13 are being rested whilst another 8 are injured. Peter McGrath ARU chairmen, rightly said, “On behalf of the fans, those people who in good faith bought tickets to the Wallaby test against South Africa in Sydney on 7^th July, we will pursue this issue and seek to get the decision reversed.” – Fat chance, but its good to keep the fans happy.

 

The Boks asked 37 year-old AJ Venter to go on the tour, to which he promptly responded by retiring from international rugby immediately.

 

England have come under fire for their ‘Last of the Summer Wine’ pre-squad for the World Cup, and if that wasn’t bad enough, they thought they were off to Portugal for a two week summer training camp, but instead Ashton booked them into boot camp with the SBS (Special Boat Service) in Dorset, South West England. An insider said “it’ll be good training for the boys before the World Cup as they’ll really be put through it.” – They’ll soon be able to hold their breathe for 17 phases.

 

And Sgt Wilko defended old man Dally, who incidentally is younger than when Jonno lifted the last World Cup, by saying, “He pushes people to new levels whether it is in training drills or meetings.”  - How do you do that in meetings? ‘Ok, we’ll be meeting at 9’ – ‘no 8’ – ‘Ok, then we’ll run through the linouts first’ – ‘no, lineouts and scrums together, saves time.’ – ‘ok…’ – ‘no, not ok, just nod, it’s quicker…’ – ‘Oh, fuck off Dally.’ – ‘no, piss off.’

 

Danny Grewcock has lost his appeal to appeal to go to the World Cup – I don’t know anyone who has been sent off more. Old head, ex-copper and lock extraordinaire Wade Dooley said of the Cock; “Dan is my kind of player. Old school. You need players like him when you are away from home and against the big boys.”

 

Victor Matfield’s off to Toulon after the WC and Joubert and John Smit are off to Clermont Ferrand.

 

Rico Gear is off to Worcester, which prompted Henry to label the mass exodus as a huge problem. Rico said, “I’m sure that Graham and (AB assistant) Steve Hansen enjoyed their time coaching in Wales.’ – Enough said – you have a jaunt Rico.

 

France’s No.1 No.8 Elvis Vermeulan has left the building and is out of the WC with a slipped disc, he said, “It’s difficult to take.” – Yep you read it right…Elvis.

 

Ok, shall we have some results:

African Cup: Uganda 20 – 19 Namby-pamby-ibia

Specific Nations Cup: Fiji 14 – 14 Aus ‘A’ – pardon

Friendly: Canada 16 – 13 N.Z. U21

NSW ‘argh’ Shute Shield: good old Gordon 74 – 10 Illawarra

Northern Suburbs 61 – 22 Parra ‘doesn’t’ matta

 

And now cloud busters, its cricket:

 

And apart from talking about the Sri Lankan and Bangles game, which I won’t because I know nothing about it, this week’s rant is pretty much all about Collingwood; who is the new English ODI captain and not as Shane Warne states; the AFL team, which if you live in Melbourne you either like Collingwood or you loathe them – he incidentally loathes them…and is this the longest opening sentence ever?

 

Colly, the player, has had the best of best weeks, he said of it; “It’s Roy of the Rovers stuff. To have a home Test match, score a century, knock the winning runs off and Durham get to the Friends Provident Trophy final at Lord’s is a dream come true. It can’t get any better – unless Sunderland make a major signing!” – Are we still on cricket?

 

He’s a bit of a nugget, as the fool always says, but is he going to rule with an iron fist? This is the way he sees it, “I know one thing for sure – I’ll allow the players to express themselves. That’s when you play your best cricket.” – Oh no, is that Stresco and the Pakistani cab driver all over again? And probably Hoggard in a dress!

 

Warney likes him though; Colly that is, Warne’s a St. Kilda fan, same as the fool. Anyway, despite the banter they’ve had in the past Shane has got a lot to say about the North Eastern bastard; “He’s into the Bulldog spirit, the patriotism, all that sort of stuff. He’s a bit like the Justin Langer of the English side.” – Langer, that’s an odd one eh…you Langer…what a Langer…

 

Shane respects his cricket too; “There’s a lot more talented cricketers than Paul Collingwood going around, but he gets the best out of what he’s got.” – And what’s he got? He’s got the lot!

 

Fred’s ok with it too, he said, “He’s been around for a while, gained plenty of experience and is now one of the first names on the team sheet.” – ‘Bastard’ – screams Freddie as I leave the room. When he’s old and grey and the gran kids will be around visiting, they’ll find that chest of ‘Fredalo’ clippings and the like in an old chest in the loft, and they’ll, ‘core, you old buzzard eh.’

 

Meanwhile Fred’s physio from Lancs, Dave Roberts, hi Dave, says of the little cutie-wootie; “It’s a bit like dealing with a 16st toddler. He gets restless and looks around for something to grab his attention.” – Probably a beer.

 

Fred on the other hand says, “I’m at the stage where I’m up at 7a.m. every morning, kick-start myself with a Red Bull and I’m exercising four and five hours under Dave’s supervision. Everything feels great so far.” – On those Red Bulls, yeah. Probably hasn’t been to sleep for three weeks.

 

Ok lastly, KP (And the Sunshine Band) is officially trying to get Harmy back into the ODI’s. He said of him, “When I saw the way he bowled in the final day of the - Chester-le-Street Test I thought ‘we really need to see him bowling like that with a white ball again.’” – He then also hurriedly threw in Hoggard’s name too…minus the dress or at least not the same as his.

 

Bugger! Left out Gilly’s rant – ne’r mind, put it in next week.

 

Time for other sports:

 

Ricky Hatton smashed up Castillo in Vegas, finished him in the forth with some hefty body blows and has caused all kinds of stinking hornets!

 

Let’s hear from the champ first, “I hit him with a left and then another left and it just about cut him in half. I was going for the body from the first round and I got him with some of the best shots I’ve ever thrown.” – ‘just about cut him in half’

 

Castillo admitted, “He got me good, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t get up.”

 

Ricky said this before the fight about his mate Rooney, “Luckily for Wayne he has turned 21 now, so he can have a beer. And trust me after my bout that is what we will be doing in large chunks.” – He’s a good lad that Hatton.

 

And that’s where the trouble started; Floyd ‘Pretty Boy’ Mayweather wants a punch-up. He’ll come out of retirement to do it. Ricky stated that there was more action in his 4 rounds than Mayweather’s career. Floyd wasn’t happy and since then they’ve been having a right ding-dong at each other, “Hatton can’t fight. He cannot box. He throws one punch at a time and then holds. There is no skill to what he does in the ring. He has got zero skills.” – Bitch, bitch, blah, blah…

 

Ricky’s dad responded at the chance for a meet, “Ricky is chomping at the bit. I’ve spoken to him a little bit before all this came out and he said it was no-brainer – It’s a definite yes.” – No-brainer.

 

Ok, what’s Hamilton been up to apart from deciding which island to buy with his new wad of cash – argh yes, he’s been winding up the Diego of course; “I’ve never found anyone as competitive as me. Fernando is close, but I still think I’m more competitive than him.” – That’s it, reel him in…reel him in…

 

I love you

Casey Stoner on the other hand is a bit of a miffed leader in MotoGp this week. He said this after Donnington’s win, “This track is the worst I have raced on when it is wet. Something has to be done. It’s pretty hairy out there.” – Surely that would give it some grip!

 

Rossi had an idea why and referred to the heavy metal rock festival held there two weeks ago, “They put a hot dog stand in the track, so maybe the oil is not very good for the grip!” – That’s why.

 

Colin Edwards told Rossi why he’s trailing by 26 points, “Why is Valentino not doing so well? Two words; Casey Stoner.”

 

And Wimbledon kicked off this week, and rightly said so, as John McEnroe said – ugh? “Today’s players seem to be devoid of personality. You can’t even get a grin out of the guys if a streaker runs on Centre Court.” – New balls please!

 

tennis babe

Be prepared for rain though – the tennis players are, they sing karaoke in the changing rooms when it does. This is what they sung at the French Open: Federer: Simply the Best. Raphael Nadal: La Bamba and John McEnroe: Born in the USA. – What would Serena sing…

 

Ok, let’s wrap things up with some World News:

 

Ok, not a great deal this week, but let’s have look shall we: That great white elephant in London, called the Millennium Dome is now the O2 Arena and Bon Jovi are going to be the first to play there…or are they? It seems The Kaiser Chiefs, Toms Jones and Peter Kay the comic all did a set there last week to O2 workers family and friends – thousands of them. Bon Jovi were supposed to do Wembley first too but it was still being built – George Michael snuck in instead. – Sloppy seconds again!

 

The world’s largest out door music festival was at Glastonbury this week and Anna Callan 33 has a candle stall there – whoopee! Anyway, she went into labour at 5a.m., slipped out to a hospital in nearby Yeovil and at 10.32 a.m. a little boy called Laclan was born…she…wait for it…was back on her stall by 6p.m. She said, “Lachlan slept well. The rock music sent him off.” – Holy moly.

 

Lachlan

In South America 40 million years ago there was a breed of penguin that was 5ft tall!

 

Pamela Anderson’s great Grandfather was Finnish, a Fin, from Finland. In mammory of him she’s going to open some strip joints there, “I’m going to look into opening a chain of strip clubs and I’ll call them Lapland.” – Pure class.

 

It’s hard to sell Colgate toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries because it translates to, ‘go hang yourself.’

 

29000 little yellow rubber ducks are due to appear off the coast of Cornwall later this summer. They fell off a cargo ship in the Pacific in 1992…yes, 1992 along with some blue turtles, red bears and green frogs. They’ve been spotted off Alaska, Siberia, Japan, Iceland and Canada. They’re worth £5k to collectors but don’t be confused with others floating around as these have The First Years stamped on them! – Just how many are out there?

 

little yellow people!

One in ten people in the world live on an island. Half the world’s population is under 25. In the UK you’re never more than 74.4 miles away from the sea. There are 4million people in New Zealand and 70million sheep. And police cars in England may soon be sponsored by supermarkets, with their logos on the doors.

 

Ok, lastly, 58 year-old German doctor of chemistry Michael Werner hasn’t eaten anything for six years. He lives purely on liquids – so did fool in South Africa for three years and just got pissed! – He said, “One evening a friend of my wife’s came around and said she had not eaten for years and then explained how.”

 

He says, on the first week you eat absolutely nothing, then, “On the 8^th day you take on some fruit juice. This is to clear the body with antioxidants. You need to flush your system with something.” – Of course.

 

From there on in he says it’s a piece of cake…no hang on, he wouldn’t say that would he… ‘It’s a glass of water.’

 

He’s pretty lively though and says, “Much of my energy comes from light and the atmosphere. I am absorbing energy from the light, a little like plants do, and this is enough to function fully. It is a farm of light nutrition.” – He’s nuts isn’t he?

 

he's nuts

Shine on Harvey Moon

 

Just cf it

 

cf