22nd - 28th july 2011 volume 442
July, 27th 2011 16:33 PM

“Lay where you’re laying, don’t make a sound

I know they’re watching, they’re watching”

(Kings of Leon)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lads – The One With Mindback Feedbend

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 28.7.11                                           

For Elements of: 253 Medical Regiment (Volunteers)

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

 

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

The money shot

A Marylyn Monroe sex tape has gone on sale over the internet for £300,000.

 

Spanish collector Mikel Barsa isn’t sure how he came across the 6 and half minute black and white grainy 8mm film of the sex icon, but says this isn’t the first time it’s happened.

 

Taken in 1947 this sale is thought will eclipse the previous record of a 16mm copy that, also came his way back in 1997 and subsequently, circulated the globe generating over 600,000 copies and earned in excess of £1.2million.

 

 However, Marylyn expert Scott Fartner refutes the tape’s authenticity of which he remarks the lady in question is of a far heavier build, amongst other differences, such as ‘The chin is not the same, the lips are not the same and the teeth are not the same.’

 

Mikel contested Scott’s opinion suggesting he has been viewing the tape upside down.

The viewing continues


Nailed it

As a debate wrangles towards absurdity, evidence collated by a web poll of mums in cahoots with the aging experts Saga, have found a woman’s sexual chemistry returns at the age of 70.

 

Siobhan Freyard who headed the study found the energies required for raising a family are the main factor in what takes precedence over any previous bouts of carnal lacklustre tendencies… eh!

 

‘Women could be going through a temporary sexual midlife crisis as they concentrate on raising a family.’ She concluded.

 

A different study revealed marriages stay ripe if the wife remains slimmer than the husband, or put into an overall perspective, retains  a lower body mass (BMI)

 

One author of the report from the University of Tennessee Andrew Meltzer said,

‘It’s relative weight that matters, not absolute weight.’ – Which explains the increase of surgical procedures for a club foot.

 

Meanwhile, half naked real life models in shop windows of Milan have been frowned upon by trade unionists that deem them degrading, and described them as the ‘merchandisation of the human body.’

 

However, they don’t want to be the city’s party poopers, but had to have their say just in case this didn’t become a news item.

 

‘’Let’s be clear, we’re not against the sale or for market economy or against consumers. But we want to defend the decency of workers and the intelligence of customers.’

 

The mannequinned models fought back stating, ‘Modelling is also a job.’ – Which has since sparked a reform for rights for all mannequins across Italy, whether they are real or not.

 

If sexing-up job descriptions is becoming too common then an ambiguous advertisement in Stoke for a nail technician has rammed home the concept. Hundreds of enquires from people expecting to work in a beauty salon were dashed when they found out they were in fact applying to count nails in a hardware store.


 

Powered by wind

An Illinois prisoner at Dixon III has issued the governing agencies a lawsuit following a false arrest and the violation of his civil rights by asking for no less than a small country in compensation.

 

Johnathan Pinney 26 submitted an 18 page court filing demanding enough arable land for 5000 people to help ‘fulfil his future population’. He states somewhere in Alaska would be ‘suitable’.

 

To help administer the country, a $50 billion emancipation fee is necessary. He would also like ‘recognition of foreign sovereignty with diplomatic immunity, along with a certified clearance and access to all of scientific advancements and developments made in American institutes.’ He should also be noted of any ‘Top secret information, including movements in Area 51’, with one final demand being; ‘a treaty of non-aggression between my nation and that of the US and the United nations.’ The report stated.

 

Johnathan represented himself in court dressed as Alice Cooper, adorned in full make up, is currently serving four years for aggravated battery.

 

Prison authorities diffused the situation by moving him to a single cell.


 

What’s in a name

A third set of parents have been refused to call their child Lucifer by New Zealand courts.

 

In the increasing trend of bizarre names filed for registration, 100 rejections have been made in the past two years, including; Messiah, 89 and C, although Benson & Hedges were allowed for twins along with; Number 16 Bus Shelter.

 

Other rejections were; Baron, Bishop, Duke, General, Judge, Knight and Mr, which by comparison may sound tame but being titles, are automatically disqualified.

 

Had they been accepted their names could have been labelled on placenta pills which are increasingly being home made.

 

Lisa Fortin from Brooklyn currently churns out thousands of the pills a day, which are billed as a nutritional supplement that give an energy boost to help fight post natal depression as well as enhance milk production.

 

Lisa, whose company Placenta Healing Arts mixes the after birth with frankincense, myrrh, ginger and lemon then lets it dry for 25 minutes much like jerky or biltong. It is then powdered in a coffee grinder and distributed in a capsule as an alternative medicine.

 

Lisa says it has, ‘a different scent’, but explains it is perfectly natural as, ‘we are the only mammals that don’t eat our placentas apart from camels and sea mammals.’


 

On a quick note; chicken jalfrezi has overtaken its mild cousin of masala as Britain’s favourite curry. Madras has slipped into No.2 two as the nations palette gets spicier and rogan josh third. Masala has slipped to eighth according to the British Curry Club mag Chaat!

 

Placenta jalfrezi and chips please.

 

 (Quick sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Having only had placenta and chips once, Ozzy Osbourne said he preferred  bottled camels breath as a blow back aperitif followed by fried sloth balls in a sweet fermented sparrow vinaigrette. Personally I’m not sure that would be on par with a succulent jellyfish sorbet sprinkled with a few splatterings of wild plankton, although I’m not sure there’s any other kind; perhaps renowned trout farmers Ian Anderson or Roger Daltry could tell us, so I endeavoured to find out, but didn’t have their numbers, and instead went to Chipping Norton to ask Keith Moon at his old pub, but, by all counts, was still dead. So I asked a bloke in the working man’s club in Eccleston, Lancashire what he thought, whereby he immediately wrestled me to the ground until I gave a pound to some mad women to sniff snuff as she raised money for a worthy cause. Reaching a conclusion to the whole episode as pointless I changed the subject completely and asked Phil Drabble from One Man and His Dog, who used to write fool’s Play of the Day, what song did it for him, which is featured in fool’s Get It Off Your Chest Request, to which he replied without hesitation, Wipe Out by The Safari’s.

 

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘The www.coreyashcroft.co.uk appeal is an amazing cause to raise £250,000 to send a two year-old from the village of Eccleston to America for life saving treatment. So far, in just 6 or 7 weeks we’ve managed to raise £110,000 through various events.’ ‘Bloke in pub in Eccleston

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I was walking home the other night. A man came out of the doorway. He said, ‘have you seen a policeman ‘round here?’ I said, ‘no’. He said, ‘stick ‘em up’.

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

 

 

Don’t forget the classifieds pages – updated weekly

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP… probably Sept

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

 

 

 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

 

Animal news


* Lions prefer to eat people after a full moon. A study of 500 people who had been eaten in the area surrounding a Tanzanian village between 1988-1999 found two thirds came after dark and 10p.m. Experts believe it’s due to their hunting preference in the dark, especially during a waning moon, but authorities have also advised locals to stop smoking after dark, as it gives the lions the munchies.

 


Number crunching


 

*A gold plated yacht worth £3 billion and weighing 100 tonnes hit the water this week. Commissioned to a British jeweller Stephen Hughs the 100ft status symbol included platinum sleeping quarters and a statue made of Tyrannosaurus Rex bone. Stephen said the Malaysian businessman wanted a plane but he advised it would never take off, so he asked, ‘Can you do a yacht?’ ‘We’ll give it a crack.’ He replied.

 

*A McDonalds to be built near the 2012 Olympic stadium in London is to be the biggest with 470 staff expected to serve 50,000 Big Macs and 180,000 fries during the 29 days of the games. They also guestimate 30,000 milkshakes will leave their shelves. Believe it or not McDonald’s have been sponsoring the games since 1976, which works out around 400,000 Big Macs, which is about, well, let’s say you can get 100 burgers to one rump – x2 200 hundred; your rump is what, an eighth of an edible cow, so that’s 1,600 per cow, round it up to 2grand allowing for hoof and lips etc, so that makes… now bare with me, because I’m not using a calculator…  200 cows… doesn’t seem much, let’s do that again…

 

*The Chinese are disputing Everest’s height with a recent US expedition who clocked it at 29,035ft, whilst the Chinese had it at its more traditionalist length of 29.028ft. I wonder if they took into account the growth of Everest at 4-5mml’s a year. But who can trust them, as they have such a convincing Apple store in their Kuming that even staff there believe they are working for Apple – investigation found Apple don’t have a store in Kunming.

 

*German nudists are declining. There are only 500,000 registered now.

 

*The world’s fastest road bike clocks 311mph. The Suzuki Hayabusa ridden by Bill Warner said, ‘It was a very smooth ride up until 300mph. then I felt a slight wobble.’

 

*Sparky Marquis of Mollydooker Wines was said to be ‘gut wrenched, shocked and numb’ at a forklift accident which spilled $1million worth of his batch on the way to America. – And with that I’m just about done so will leave you with a tune accredited to all the hard work both you and Sparky does to keep us sane – Blood Sweat and Tears – Spinning wheel…

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page

 

 


 

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