Crazy Fool's Newsround - 22nd - 28th Jan 10 volume 364

22nd - 28th Jan 10 volume 364
January, 28th 2010 20:42 PM

“I was caught

In the middle of a railroad track

And I knew there was no turning back

My mind raced

And I thought what could I do

And I knew

There was no help, no help from you”

(ACDC)

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: Early morning in Sydney Cove on 13^th May 1877. fool is deep inside the pouch of an Eastern Grey, he’d tried the Great Red but found it too roomy, not so snug, and too far from the sea. Now, beside the sea, he snuggled next to a young Joey of maybe 2 months old. fool had gotten to know him well as they’d shared teats. fool called him Joey for short. Suddenly Mrs Doufries hops in, the notoriously infamous spy, surgeon, street serenader, shepherd’s pie maker, seamstress, ski instructor and car mechanic. All three jiggled for space and took it in turns to share the teat, whilst mother hopped back and forth watching beadily as a tall ship anchored. A long boat beached; from it, on the burning sands, stood a young captain by the name of Arthur Philip, who mathematically was better known as Phil. Phil marched triumphantly up the roasted sandy dunes, followed by George Best, Bobby Charlton and Matt Busby. With a territorial slam Phil rammed a flag into the beach…

Phil: Ayeee Karumba (he missed and struck his toe)

(fool pops his head from the pouch)

fool: No. Kangaroo

Phil: Hmm, kangaroo eh … talking kangaroo… I’ve heard about you. We’re after Perkins, Charlie Perkins, my man he says he escaped back in ‘59

Phil: Perkins, Perkins, hmm Perkins, nope, don’t know any Perkins (fool stayed concealed within the pouch)

Phil: I know you’re in there Perkins, come out, or we’re coming in.

fool: What’ll we d?,(he asks turning to Mrs Doufries, who’s busy knitting another flag dial) Tell him he’s got the wrong century fool, tell him to look at his flag dial…

Narrator: Will Phil find Perkins? Will Mrs Doufries flag dial work? Will a Rogan Josh ever be better than an ayee karumba Tikka Massala? Find out more on…(sssh, yes, just hold on a minute…) find out more on…(what is it?)… find out more on… (Can’t you see I’m busy)…Find out__(beep)___________ I’m afraid that’s all we have time for on Desert Island Discs. Now on cfn here’s the quiz…

Who's Perkins?

1. What was Australia day originally known as?

2. In heraldry what is argent?

3. What is the top colour on a rainbow?

4. Which of the following is not a citrus fruit: lemon, lime or pear?

5. Which major sporting contest first took place in 1930?

6. The Pittsburgh Pirates play which American sport?

7. What is a frigatoon?

8. Where would you expect to find a Galvayne’s groove? A) On a compact disc B) In a horse’s tooth C) In an Arthurian legend

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

cf’s Quiz Night at…it’ll be in 2010!

WHO AM I? – 2010 – At last, at long, long last, at long last, long, last, last, at last, at long last – someone was bold enough to step up to the wicket and give the nod; the nod to these clues: “With a twinkle in my eye I let all the children boogie” – cluetwo… “I share the same birthday as Elvis.” “Brung up down the road from fool, I turned out a bit more Weird and Gilly!” – Who was of course David Bowie – gotten by the Silent Third Party formerly known as Quizmaster. And lo to a new-un, “I slammed home with four grand titles in two separate years but only one earned me a buck.”

Is it me?

Send in answers to: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Welcome to the 2010 scoreboard; week 5: bonus points tally in brackets for the first answer in. (For all previous answers to the main quiz see: *comps and results page in the categories.)

With all the ones and the brackets:

The Slackers, pardon I, The Regulars

Dracule:

Legal Eagle:

Hannibal Lecherure:

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1 (1, 1)

Casualty:

Aye:

Others:

Let’s move on shall we:

Quote(s) for the week:

Send a bunch of flowers to Mrs Upjohn and put “I love you” on the back of the bill.

Groucho Marx

*Non-descript trivia moment*

DEGREES OF FREEMASONRY

16°…Prince of Jerusalem…16°

17°…Knight of the East & West…17°

18°…Knight of the Eagle & Pelican and Sovereign Prince Rose Croix of Heredom…18°

19°…Grand Pontiff…19°

20°…Venerable Grand Master…20°

fool’s Gold

The Venus flytrap can eat a whole cheeseburger

Humans spend almost a third of their lives in bed

About one out every 70 people who pick their nose actually eat their bogies

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Computer’s brain v fool’s – when a country’s sporting team are represented, the grammar check on the machine insists on using ‘is’ instead of ‘are’, e.g. ‘England are amassing players in depth. Ireland are not, the French are… French. Wales are in a muddle right now and Scotland are a dark horse!’ That quote was in reference to the state of the nations in respect to their standings regards the upcoming Six Nations (rugby), as compiled by yay fool in this week’s edition. Yet fool is compelled to argue the fact that the whole of the stated country is not at stake but a collective segment concerning that particular sport, therefore the singular effort of a collective group must be categorised as ‘many’ signifying a pluratic (Made up word) for ‘are’ to be used as the auxiliary verb, as opposed to any connotation requiring a mutually collective effort, which could for instance involve both codes of rugby vis-à-vis union and league, which in its essence would be tantamount to bracketing the more refined gamesters in the all raping, coke-snorting footballing louts, for want of a better description, bar of course Stevens of England and Harrison of Australia, yet not to get them muddled up in archaic ravishment, nor head-clutching, foul mouthed Oscar diva – just the drugs…where was I? Oh yes, South Africa has a cricketing team and that South African team are going to tour India soon. South Africa are going to lose. There it is again see. I know it means well, but in this instance the personal contact we have formed with the collective group of South Africans playing one sport has warranted them a grouping that is perfunctory to only their cause, thus affording them plurality – computer’s knowledge – Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

I is loving watering the garden.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Have you had yours today?

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Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: with his brother

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Randall

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…It takes seven…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

House for rent; District 1 HCMC,

HP Deskjet F2280 Printer, copy, scanner; SOLD – contact the fool if interested in the ‘fat’ house!

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…just a few more tweaks and…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

We’ll take a T-shirt

Order from: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

This bit is the rugby bit:

Raiding the quartermaster’s stores…

Published 28.1.10

The Heineken Cup has guzzled its way through to the quarter finals and judging by the results you’d be in the bookies this week flouting your pennies on a blue cockerel or green shamrock for the Six Nations, and no doubt the Force for the Super 14’s! But as they say, that is that and this is this:

Heineken Cup:

Munster deposited four penalties onto Northampton’s bank courtesy of O’Gara and cleaned up to the top of pool 1 with a 12-9 win. The Saints managed a losing point, which kept them on tender hooks to see if they’d go through – that decision would be in L. Irish’s fate/ Ospreys and Leicester had an epic battle with the Welsh topping it 17-12. Tommy Bowe touched down two minutes before the break which meant the Tigers had to go hell for leather in the second half – they did, Castrogiavani helped them in the tight and loose and Ben Youngs at scrumhalf was a menace. Lee Byrne, in a mix up, stayed on the paddock a minute longer than he should have, yielding the Taffy’s a 16 man team, no doubt his defence on Youngs in that period will be talked about for well, at least till next week/ Quins were absolutely thumped by Cardiff 20-45, which came about from a total neglect to tackle. The Blues ran in 6 tries thanks to Gareth ‘Happy’ Thomas, Jamie Roberts x2, Xavier Rush – brother of legend, and Ceri Sweeny – book ‘em Gov. Jim Staples and Frankie Croxford did not play/ Gloucester came good, away to Dragons, beating them 32-23, helping themselves into the quarters of the Amlin Challenge Cup in the process/ Bath and Ulster shared a dead rubber, with the hand winning it 28-10/ Despite a cracking solo try from Tait, Sale went down to Toulouse 13-19, leaving one team in and one out/ Leinster and L. Irish shared 22 points at 11 each in a tremendous game, which went down to the wire. Both settled on a try and a penalty, with Leinster holding on by the skin of their teeth, although it was only the Irish that needed a win – they tried, and not to put to blunt a point of it, but Chris Malone pretty much fluffed it for them with kick after kick of failures. Meanwhile Johnny Sexton at the other end was as cool as a cucumber, and fool reckons he’ll get the nod for Ireland next week/ Biarritz punished Glasgow 41-20 despite the Scots 20-11 lead at 48minutes. Four tries got the Basques a bonus point and a home tie in Spain’s San Sebastian come April/ Clermont demolished Viadana 59-2/ Scarlets held Brive 20-17 – enough to keep them in the second tier comp/ And Edinburgh beat Stade Francais 9-7, although that was enough for the Parisians/ Perpignan rounded things up with 34-6 trollop over Trevisio

So, the quarters bash for 9/10/11 April looks like this: Munster v Northampton – Biarritz v Ospreys – Toulouse v Stade Francais – Leinster v Clermont

You know what – fool thinks Clermont might be the team to beat – but at this stage it’s anyone’s game – for a cheeky tout try the Saints!

In the Amlin Challenge Cup (2^nd tier): Connaught (without Jim Staples) v Bourgoin – Toulon v Scarlets – Wasps v Gloucester – Newcastle v Cardiff

Guinness Premiership: nyip, nyop nope

Top 14: non

Magners League: aye to be sure - no

Some shorts:

Stade Francais’ Davis Attoub is to appeal against his 70 week ban for eye gouging, stating, “The judge decided I was guilty on the evidence of photos. I was on his face for 25 thousandths of a second.” – Done!

Meanwhile Matt Stevens’, England’s coke baron, has been signed by Saracens and will kick-start his rugby career again next January. I suppose in the meantime he can just still party. Is Just Harrison still partying?

Melbourne Rebels are on the hunt in Europe for new players, so far they reckon they’ve got a good chance of Stade Francais’ Mark Gasnier, which is good, because he could then go on the wing in fool’s new HC/ S14’s team – see below in competitions.

Rodney So’oialo is to give up his captaincy at ‘canes to Andrew Hore, in order to concentrate on his own game. The 62 cap legend said, “It’s an investment really – for the future.” – As opposed the past.

And whilst all the warm-up games for Super14’s are underway Lions play the Bulls this weekend where the Bulls said they will field their strongest players, except these players aren’t available: Backies Botha, Wynand Oliver, Akoni Ndungwane, Pierre Spies, Dewald Potgieter and Dannie Roussouw, which is half of Pretoria!

The Six Nations kicks off on 6^th Feb and only a fool wouldn’t plumb for Ireland or France. Yet, remember England on poor form and with 11 of their starting 15 out, have come runners up the last two seasons. They play Wales and will appear in a one off retro kit to mark the centenary of the RFU. It will be modelled on the same kit as the game back on 15^th Jan 1910, but with new technology woven in (an extra man).

fool says: England to win Six Nations – where’s the takers? England are amassing players in depth. Ireland are not, the French are… French. Wales are in a muddle right now and Scotland are a dark horse! The world cup is 18 months away – England will play Australia, Samoa, South Africa and New Zealand in November. Mock, but slip a cheeky Aryton Senna on at your bookies and fool believes he’s already riding a ton on with some lucky cfn reader – stick your Gregory out back and your guts!

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit is done, long live John Smit’s XV of famous people who have a famous relative in sport – can be the same sport or a completely different one. Can be an actor in the John Smit XV, but he has to be relevant to that position, i.e. Elvis at flyhalf – sharp, nimble, play/decision maker, good hip swerve (he had a brother, but died at birth!). Can be an actress, author, sportsman etc…

Send ‘em in, you win a prize; if you have 8 or more pairings the same as fool, you win a special prize.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another year and half of him yet!

I’ll start you off eh, with an easy one:

15. 14. 13. 12. 11. Ben Cohen (Eng; RFU) & Stan Cohen (Eng; football/soccer) 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

In the meantime; here’s my Heineken Cup/Super14’s team – players who have played in both:

15. Bruce Rheina (Northampton & Chiefs)14. Lote Tiquiri (Leicester & Waratahs) 13. Luke McAlistair (Sale & Auckland Blues) 12. Aaron Mauger (Leicester & Crusaders) 11. 10. 9. Byron Kelleher (Toulouse & Highlanders & Chiefs) 1. 2. Gary Botha (Harelquins & Blue Bulls) 3. CJ Van Der Linde (Leinster & Cats & Cheetahs) 4. 5. 6. Jerry Collins (Toulon & Ospreys & Hurricanes) 7. Marty Hollah (Ospreys & Chiefs) 8.

Subs: Ricki Januarie (Osprey & Lions & Stormers) – rest of squad next week

Send answers to cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

If there was anything interesting in the world of cricket this week then fool missed it, nevertheless he’ll manage a word or thribble, which was obviously just a juvenile ruse to splatter ‘thribble’ in the opening drivel – a-ha – worked.

Now, where was I – argh yes, Mickey ‘chortle’ Arthur had a lovers tiff in South-Africa-land and rumours abound that a rift between him and Graeme Smith, him and the CSA, him and Jonathan Trot – just what was he chuckling about when Trot came out to bat in the 4^th Test? It matters not, for he has gone, South Africa go off to India and Mickey carelessly whispered, “All good things must come to an end.”

Perhaps Pakistan’s captain Mohammad Yousuf is thinking the same thing, but we’ve seen it quite apparent that all Pakistani’s leader’s ends are usually sticky!

Back to India and against the Bangles, they (India) declared for 544-8 in the 2^nd Test in Dhaka. Come Day 3 the Bangles reached 228-3 – 84 behind, and a 311 lead for the Indians. However, Tamim Iqbal proved himself a demi-God by knocking 151 – unheard on in Bangle-land. Still Zaheer Khan returned things to normal with 7 wickets and the Bangles all out for 312. Four of those in eight balls.

All wasn’t too dissimilar in Australia’s ODI crushing of Pakistan. The series was wrapped up in Adelaide (3-0), but at least the Pakistani’s saddled up closer to their hosts 286 target and managed a respectable 246, bowing out in the 48^th over, as opposed to being beaten by 140 runs in ODI #2!

Ryan Harris subbed for Siddle and slammed a 5-43, whilst other new lad and much better name; Clint McKay collected a cool 3-48

Back for a thribble next week – a-ha – he does it again

That’s it for this week

I’ll have a thribble

Other sports:

30 Chinamen were caught cheating in a University marathon this week when competitors blatantly took to their cars or substituted themselves with faster runners. But it’s not just the Chinese who cheat; in 1980 the Boston marathon was won by an amateur runner Rosie King who rode all, but one mile on the tube!

Don’t do football as you know, but Asian businessman Tony Fernandes recently piped up in regards to West Ham’s financial situation, and the fact that they may soon move to the new London 2012 Olympic Stadium, thus changing their name to West Ham Olympic…hang on, where was I? Oh yeah, Tony said, “I see West Ham as the unpolished diamond of the Premier League.” – Which means now I’m really confused, because Tony is not saving the club, Karen Brady and David Sullivan and David Gold are and there are no Poles in West Ham’s team, meaning it’s all Greek to me!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

‘Lark’s tongues, Wren’s livers, Chaffinch’s brains, Jaguars earlobes, Wolf nipple chips. Get ‘em while they’re hot. They’re lovely.’ – Or why not try a good olde traditional pastry pie; they’re on a 30 year high in Britain – who isn’t! In fact last year an extra 17m were entombed in the punters gastronomically robust storage pots.

It seems the 80’s new-wave of imported American calorie guzzling pizzas and burgers are sitting on the back-burner, along with camping favourite Fray Bentos’ Snake n Pygmy or the more common beef n onion and the chicken n mushroom variety. Now, enter the higher middle class tastes for chicken n bacon, Aberdeen Angus minced steak, chicken and Wiltshire ham and lamb n mint.

The humble ‘pye’ dates back to the 12^th century, but then Wiltshire goes even further – to at least the 11^th century where a castle was erected and to celebrate everyone ate a pie, and my bet it had a bit of cheese in it…and why not some chicken. So all in all nothing has changed, nothing new, here so move along the bus please move along…back to your tents…

Don’t knock ‘em till you’ve tried ‘em

McDonald’s sales are also up, so burgers, get off the back burner. In fact, there have been 80m more customers in the UK since 2006, which is a cheque worth approximately £465m.

Someone else flexing their buns this week is America’s first male legal gigolo. Former US Marine and porn star Markus operates out of the Shady Lady Ranch in Nevada. Markus fervently states he’s and equal opportunity employer, “I don’t discriminate based on race, colour, creed, ethnicity nor skin tone.” – Which as far as I can make out is all the same thing. Ethnicity seems to be a real buzz word these day eh, there’s a whole bandwagon brimming with it. No form or person just ever asks, ‘Where do you come from?’ anymore…there’s always a ‘ethnicity’ section – never used to be, I’m sure (could be wrong – it’s been a while since I filled out any forms – I get my cat to do it…and I haven’t even got a cat!). Anyway, back to Markus and I reckon he’ll soon be a bit choosy when a couple of 10-pinter bets start to pour in. – Quick quiz; who’s the actor and in which film does ‘he’ say, “There you are you handsome devil.”

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Little old wine drinker me’ Dean Martin’s real name was Dino Paul Crocetti. His best named song was, ‘Aint That a Kick in the Head’. He died on Christmas day in 1978. fool was 11.

Heather Mills is to send thousands of artificial limbs to Haiti – typical – she’s so false that woman!

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper bit but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Base jumper Felix Baumgartner is going to step off of the edge of space at 120,000ft, reach speeds of 778mph and break the speed of sound in 35 seconds – all for the research of what it will do to the human body. While he’s there maybe he’ll bump into the odd alien, because we can’t find them. It is generally thought that with us now in the age of digital our transmittance signals are becoming invisible. The old TV, radio and radar produced millions of watts whereas the newer digital leaks but only 2 measly watts. Watts the frequency Kenneth! Shazz-bot

Perhaps Felix will be whisked off to Avatar, where despite it being the world’s most grossing film and Chinese tourist firms cashing in on Cameron’s inspiration for the Hallelujah Mountains which are to be found in China Hunan province, the authorities have banned the film on account it being too big and quite frankly has made more money that their own epic they’ve been working on for years – Confucius.

Brit Will Goodman in the meantime kept away from the world above and slunk beneath the waves, for…two days, a whole 48hrs 9m 17s. His world record caused his hands to swell, skin drop off and ‘nappy rash from hell’. He watched gangster films on an underwater iPod saying, “The first 24 hours were paradise, very serene and meditative, with rays and fish swimming past and lightening strikes illuminating the water above me.” He said after 30 hours he felt like he was being stabbed to death, everything became distorted and all he wanted was a cup of tea – would have a bit watery, but as he said, “These things are there to be done.” – Have you done it today!

Been there, done that

Ok, last week I said I’d follow up on your choice of one of the Cadbury’s flake adverts girls and by an overwhelming majority everyone wanted to know where the 80’s chick that struts through the sunflower fields then hops a ride on the back of a gypsy caravan was? Well, she’s Janis Levy, got a host of advertising jobs, hopped to LA to star in Santa Barbara as a feisty lawyer and now owns a hair extension company in London. But who cares, let’s gawp…

Ok lastly Dr. Marijan Korsic from Croatia has revealed a list of items he has had to remove from patient’s bums: leg of lamb, aerosol cans, neon lamp, household tools, vegetables, pebbles, vibrators, tree branches and wine bottles. He said the majority are educated, middle class and generally married with children. Weird isn’t it – now I bet every time you go out with friends for dinner, you get home and say, I bet he goes home tonight and sticks a chair leg up his arse!’