Crazy Fool's Newsround - 22nd - 28th August '08 volume 295

22nd - 28th August '08 volume 295
August, 28th 2008 06:49 AM

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: South American mechanic crazy ‘Pablo’ fool is on board HMS Scouser fitting new hub-caps, while it docks in Santos, Brazil. He’s taking a break and talking to rating Stanley Unwin … over a cup of splosh.

Stanley Unwin: Tea or coffee mate?

fool: splingly do di do, I’ll a take de coffee eh butly of course Here-rio hava soma mino-magnifico coffeemate.

Stanley Unwin: Hey yumski by fiddley, tis thy wonderously good benificto of the aromarous nostrils does thee. Cheerio do ploply.

Narrator: – And so, HMS Scouser sailed off into thee distance I do dot - Rolly the quizzically:

1. In what decade did Tom Tom Club share with us that fabulous hit?

2. Who had hits with Dear Prudence and Hong Kong Gardens??

3. What is discrimination against the elderly called?

4. In 1991 a 50 year mining ban was agreed for which area of the world?

5. In what type of vehicle was the 1918 World War armistice signed?

6. Which animal is feared by a hippophobe?

7. What is a taipan?

8. Which cricketer has scored most runs in any one Test match innings? A) Brian Lara B) Matthew Hayden C) Gary Sobers

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Back to the front with a slide down Main Comp street; get your skates on mate and decipher this: Clue No.1: “On the road to nowhere I found the Tom Tom Club.”

is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 31 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those who prefer gherkins with their results, I don’t have any!

Dracule: 15 (1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 10 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 4 (1 or 1, 1 not sure!)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: unknown

Quote for the week:

Bloodnok: I claim the South Pole in the name of Gladys Ploog of 13, Sebastapol Villas, Sutton

Seagoon: Who is she, sir?

Bloodnok: I don’t know, but obviously we’re doing her a big favour.

The Goon Show

*Non-descript trivia moment*

BLOODY MARY

2 vodka . 3 tomato juice . ½ lemon juice . Ground salt and pepper . 6 dashes Worcestershire sauce . 5 drops Tabasco . lemon and celery

Shake all the ingredients, add garnishes, and serve over crushed ice.

fool’s Gold

The average adult can read 150-200 words a minute

At the beginning of the 18^th century only half of the population ever ate meat

The world’s three best selling newspapers are all in Russian

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

Oh tell me what’s the word, oh word…sorry, absent this week.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Toilet seats with a hairline crack in them – by-Jiminy that makes the eyes water. Then you’re aware of it and you don’t move, you find your comfortablitiness (made up word) and you sit, in relative comfort, carry on reading about sex with a crocodile then wham, you’ve forgotten and you move…yikes. Oh, and people who’s preferred fruit are raspberries – BASTARDS!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Had myself a couple of Four n Twenty pies – real good dude. Got any pies!

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Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; he’ll tell you what’s the word up on AFL. Go the Saints

*Trigger: plenty in the stable this week - You betyer

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in… yep, definitely September – oh yes, and to the fella who said he’ll even produce it if it goes out regularly…you’re on, yes, you know who you are! – Big shows coming soon – what’d’ya reckon?

*Tit-bits – .../...picture this…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New - new* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one out NOW folks - something to do with an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island. - Something new coming soon on the Rainbow Warrior – me thinks – isn’t it…Fishman?

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – fresh from a London bus rooftop…

Mr. Meaner... I’m gonna say this only once.

Now, just in time; the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk et all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

They say it’s peaks and troughs at the top, well I do, but then thinking about it, it would always be peaks, if you were at the top…hang on, now I’m confused. Either way that de Villiers fella is in the valley or is it a trough:

Australia slid past the MB’s 27-15 in Durban without puffing too much. Ok, let’s not take anything away from Australia, but the MB’s are making hard work for themselves, aren’t they?

A stirring beginning and end fuelled promise but a sincere lack of, what’s the word, direction in the middle part, as they hunted for the four try bonus point, flawed and left a headless chicken MB side to wallow in their own indecisions.

Peter de Villiers expansive game plan has left him, well, deep in the shit. And for all his determination to make the ELV’s work in his favour he’s forgotten the basics. The Aussies and Kiwi’s may talk up the ELV’s but so far in this comp both have played a Test rugby conservative game, with some great tactical kicking. Their patience in building the points has led to tries. The MB’s meanwhile have averaged less than 12 points a game – The Git got that dozen from kicks alone last week!

Australia took their first win in MB-land for eight years by a try from Benn ‘two n’s’ Robinson around the 30 minute mark, after the video ref deemed he was the one with the hand on the ball under a mob of drunk punch forwards.

That rattled the MB’s to the extent that CJ van der Linde felt it necessary to execute a flying head butt on Sam cordingly’s face. However, the Aussies stayed composed, the Git kicked superbly from the hand and through a string of back’s hands Lote got an easy try on the 62^nd minute, which did but all seal the game.

Six minutes later Stirling was over for what has become a trademark score for him, he cut in from outside centre, straightened and sheered through the gap then bludgeoned his way over the line leaving a trail of discontent MB’s in his wake.

Jean de Villiers set up a try for Jacobs, as too did Percy a little while later, but by then the crowd knew it was all over and were already committed to booing Victor Matfield at the press conference; he took it on the chin, “The booing was understandable. It was not good enough and unfortunately the mistakes killed us.” – He said.

De Villiers has been pumping out every excuse in the book this week, but here’s the fool’s favourite, “Under the ELV’s you have to choose a style that suits you. The one dimensional approach doesn’t cut the mustard anymore.” – What a load of crap! The fact that you need to do the basics first should be some kind of precedence.

But he did make me laugh with this gem; “There’s little difference between winning and losing, except one feels better after winning.”

The Aussies head up to the Highveld this Saturday, where they haven’t won since ‘63’ – ‘what a very special time for me…’ The MB’s have a heck of a lot of pride to play for, even if it’s just not to be the only team not to win at home, but the Aussies are on a high eh, I reckon they might just sneak it – 23-21.

Some shorts

George Smith 28 won his 90^th cap last week and became the most capped flank-forward in the world, just nicking it from Olivier Magne (French – pah). He said after, “I wasn’t aware of it till after the game.” – That’s it, no Usain Bolting for you mate.

Jake White is keen to stay in the low lights of South Africa’s dizzy rugby fraternity heights by gunning for the Director of Rugby job! Quite frankly he said, “I want to be Director of Rugby in South Africa.” – “I don’t want to be in the limelight and I’m not looking for the pressure that goes with it, I’ve had my turn.” – Then by keeping out of the limelight he gave his verdict on the state of his country’s team; “There are too many forwards sticking around the backline.”

Ireland and South Africa have scrapped plans to play a Test in Dubai later this year by both deeming standards were not high enough as a Test venue. The MB’s will however continue their tour to Wales, Scotland and England in November – where some might have the same views!

Meanwhile Samoa have no plans to scrap their game against the All Blacks this coming weekend in New Plymouth, even though they’ve only got about three regular players. Well, to be honest they’ve had many plans to scrap the game (they knew it was a waste of time) but don’t want to let the fans down who have already bought a ticket. – Welcome to hell.

Scott Gibbs 37 is to captain the International XV versus Dally’s Help for Heroes XV on 20^th September at Twickenham. The game set to raise ₤1m for British servicemen will also see the like of Jonno, Jonah and Martin Offiah. Ieuan Evans the International XV manager phoned him to be captain but not to play, Scott said, “I said I’d do it, but only if I can play.” – So there you go.

All Black Nick Evans is keen to get started in the Guinness Premiership for Harlequins and can’t really fathom the crowds to be expected, where their game against Stade Francais in December is expected to fetch 80,000+; “It’s tough getting your head around such crowds for two club rugby union sides.”

Saracens coach Eddie Jones is right behind him too, and can’t get his own head around the ELV’s – he hates them! He hates the way that Aussie media has urged them to please fans that are competing with AFL and league in the points scale and a ball that is always moving, to an extent that union has almost sold out.

He suggests a Twenty12 format with no scrums or lineouts as an alternative and gave this as his reasoning; “Watch Bath against Wasps in January – it’s one of the best games I’ve ever seen. There were unbelievable skills levels on show. It had everything. If a game is played well and refereed well then there is nothing wrong with it. If you play a game well then it becomes a spectacle. If you try to make it a spectacle first and foremost, then you get a simplistic version.”

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup!

John Smit’s; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV – : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises!

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Simpsons Hooray Henry crook 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

KP’s still living the dream as England captain and it looks like he’s got his old chums back in the form of Harmy and Fred.

KP belted out 90* in the first ODI with South Africa last Friday with Fred helping him on 78 and a couple of wickets, as did the seemingly back in form Harmy.

England won the second ODI too, but in much spectacular fashion. If I tell ya Broad got 5-23, you wouldn’t be expecting a high South African score, and you’d be right – 83!

The 10 wicket haul at Trent Bridge saw four seamers notching 90mph. Harmy and Fred did the damage with the ball and Matt Prior equalled the world record for catches with six.

No matter how lacklustre you’re feeling, to lose like that takes some winning effort, as Graeme Smith admirably admitted; “This is not a time for excuses about lack of motivation. We were out played. England played with a lot of aggression. And with Harmison and Flintoff as change bowlers, their attack is strong.”

And KP, we must say was very English-ogical in his thinking, “It was spectacular, a remarkable victory. It is one to be enjoyed because since I’ve been involved with England it has often been us on the end of a thrashing like that.”

So, as Colly heads back to his No.6 spot in the ODI, he’s adamant the coincidence of both his and Vaughanie’s retirement (from captaining) was just that – coincidence.

Meanwhile Vaughanie has taken time out to thank the Barmy Army for their support. He wrote a letter to founder Paul Burnham saying, “They used to say ‘The Kop’ at Anfield was worth a goal start to Liverpool and I believe your support has been just as invaluable to the England team.” – Know or understand football, it’s a good analogy.

Did you know ‘The Kop’ got its name from The Kings Regiment who fought against the Boers in South Africa, because they defended a small hill…somewhere called Sienna or Stienna…or something like that…is that right bloke who told me in Blighty?

Till next week…

Other sports:

Olympian news: At the closing ceremony the Chinese big wigs handed over the ‘keys to the Mayor of London, who in fool’s mind is a comic genius. I red somewhere this week him being akin to ‘an unmade bed’ – This is what Boris said; “I say this respectfully to our Chinese hosts who have excelled so magnificently at Ping Pong. Ping Pong was invented on the dining tables of England in the 19^th century and it was called Whiff Whaff. That is the essential difference between us and the rest of the world. Other nations, the French, looked at a dining table and saw an opportunity to have dinner. We looked at a dining table and saw an opportunity to play Whiff Whaff.”

He then went on to explain about his favourite Olympic sport; the Ancient Greek pankration event, “Whose chief exponent was Milo of Croton whose signature performance involved carrying an ox the length of the stadium, killing it with his bare hands and then eating it on the same day.”

Boris then fell over drunk.

All of that kind of puts pay to the four horse tested positive for drugs, the Spanish girls hockey team and the Jamaican team of 56, the Indian of 57 and the Chinese with 58 competitors just called Zhang!

That’s not to mention the Cuban taekwondo 80kg fella who deliberately took off the ref’s head with a kick after he was disqualified for taking too long over an injury, which ironically was a foot injury, the same one that landed on the ref’s face.

Fidel Castro 82, who incidentally has been dead for seven years, said the there were ‘mafia’ judges presiding over affairs, when Cuba only picked up two gold’s.

And I can’t even be bothered to go into the, “Where the bloody hell were you? – “Where the bloody hell were we? Above you on the medals table.” – banter.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Two, it has to be said, incredibly ugly and very bald, to the extent of no hair, lads from Sheffield, UK are angry with their dating agency they joined after no offers have come through in seven months. They said, “We weren’t after sex, just a good night out and some money.” To be fair, on the box it did say money back if no client in 48 hours and a spokeswoman at the ‘unmentionable firm said, “We’ve given them quite a few opportunities, but there are lots of things they’re not willing to do.” – Beggars belief what goes on in Sheffield.

Fashion designer Joanna Ketterer 26 from London has made bamboo underwear – bamboo’s all the rage these days eh. It’s pulped, spun into fibres, woven and dyed; well you don’t just wrap your bits in good sticks anymore. Advantages are that the tree grows quicker than cotton, needs no pesticides and is biodegradable, and can be yours for ₤30 a pair. Joanna says, “People often have the perception that environmentally-sound clothing lacks style and comfort. With this new range I have tried to show they can have both.” – I wonder if they do trunks.

Nick Male 37 won’t need ‘em. He’s just started Britain’s first nudist painting and decorating firm in Lincoln – two coats!

HMS Liverpool has had 18 of its 240 crew kicked out the navy for cocaine abuse. The men on board the Type 42 destroyer took more than ‘socially’ allowed on their R&R in Santos, Brazil, to the point where top brass said enough is enough, “The idea of a coked up rating on board a vessel with access to such powerful weapons does not bear thinking about. This is a total embarrassment to the senior service.” – Thought it would have probably helped! The irony is that this is the same ship that has recently hauled in a ₤5m drugs bust in the Caribbean

Great White sightings are becoming 20 to the dozen off Britain’s shores, with the latest evidence, a 2½inch tooth found in Anglesey, Wales that, added to the picture taken by a submarine off an Aberdeen oil rig makes warm waters for man eating big fuckers a complete farce – go home big fish!

Talking of sharks; scientist Antonio Moreano has taken the world’s first pictures of an albino whale shark off the Galapagos Islands, South America – that’s those sailors fucking about again.

Keen for a good laugh on the slopes are three dudes from Florida who are into iceberg surfing. They get pulled by jet skis or power boats and slip around a 60ft high and 150ft wide ice-bloody-berg. It’s a cross between wakeboard, waterskiing and snowboarding. Shouldn’t they be back in their warmer waters of Florida being Great White food?

A full English breakfast is likely to upgrade the chances of bowel cancer by two thirds. That’s based on two sausages and three rashers of bacon a day. Boff Martin Weisman of the World Cancer Research Fund, “Only a third of the people are aware of the link between processed meat and cancer, which means two thirds are not in a position to make an informed choice about how they eat.” Until now, you big arse, bacon prices are going to soar!

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXII! “It’s sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.” – Tom Lehrer.

Brit’s favourite smell is fish n chips; it beat baked bread, clean sheets, and freshly mown grass or smoked if you’re in the navy. It also topped fresh air after rain, coffee (mate), babies, fried bacon-mmm, lemon zest and roast dinners. On the downside were public toilets, dog poo, body odour, bad breath, babies’ nappies, fish (big ones), cigarettes and sour milk. I can’t really add to that.

The richest royal in the world is the King of Thailand, Bhumibol Adulayde 80 on ₤18.79billion. He’s also the longest reigning monarch. Next up is the UAE Sheik Khalifa Bin Zayed Al-Nahyun on ₤12.35billion then the Saudi King Abdullah Bin Addulaziz on ₤11.27billion – The Sultan of Brunei has slipped to fourth on a mere ₤10.74bill. – Yeah, not swimming in the filthy Lugar now are you Al Bin Dun Yourload

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; His questions: “If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?”

Dr. Naoke Irie of Tokyo University has found elephants to be pretty smart at maths. From a test of changing the amounts of apples in a bucket Ashya from Ueno Zoo got 87%, the least was 74% - the human managed only 67%. Irie said, “Even I got confused and I’m dropping apples into the basket.” – Brains are measured by the rate of growth from baby to adult and most animals start at 90%, humans start at 28%, Chimps are 54%, bottlenose dolphins 43% and Nelly – 35% - so, remember the next time you’re talking to an elephant.

People spend 5.7 years of their working life in meetings, half of which are pointless. That’s 6.4 hours a week at 75minutes a pop. 39% of the sodding things have no end product, produce no ideas or uncover anything worthwhile. 13% of staff concentrates for only 30 minutes, whilst 11% only manage 15minutes. 15 % gun for lunch time meets to claim money back on expenses. Maxethouse.com who conducted the survey said, “Meetings are an integral part of business but there’s a feeling people get called into meetings that they don’t need to be in.” – You didn’t need to know that did you!

Ronnie Wood is torn between wife Jo 53 and sex kitten Ekaterina 20 whom he calls slut. A close pal said, “He says he’s deeply in love with Kat. He’s always talking about her. He calls her slut, but says that’s what his family calls her.” – Oh, well that’s alright then.

Lastly, and I can’t be bothered to go on about a school in Texas that arms its teachers, but will leave you with an exciting yarn – not! – Internet firm Expedia in Germany have made the world’s longest chain of towels. The yellow beach towels are 2,760ft long, and this amazing feat was performed on the St Peter Ording resort. Alexa Elizabeth Tietze said, “Now we are pleased. We are not aware of anyone else in the world that has made a chain of beach towels this long.” – Mein Gord, time must just flip by in St. Peter Ording