22nd - 28th April 2011 volume 429
April, 27th 2011 19:32 PM

“Oh we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue

And then we’ll take it higher”

(Eddy Grant)

 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lad – The One With Pat

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 28.4.11                                           

For Elements of 9 Regiment; Royal Logistic Corps

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

And then we’ll take it higher

Brewdog have once again risen to the occasion and concocted a beer worthy of a right royal knees up.

 

Their special edition Viagra-laced tipple named Royal Virility Performance is riddled with the usual ingredients to accommodate a stiff upper attitude, consisting of olde favourites such as chocolate, horny goat weed and those infamous little blue pills.

 

According to their website, just three bottles of this limited edition special brew are equivalent to keeping the pecker pucker-free. At £10 a pop this drop of 7.5% ABV Indian Pale Ale comes with a guarantee of non-drowsiness to keep you in control of your machinery.

 

With the words ‘Arise Prince Willy’ and ‘Celebrate Big Willy Style’ etched on the label, boss James Watt denies claims of cashing in on the Royals big day.

 

‘A beer should be brewed with a purpose, not because some toffs are getting married, so we created something at our brewery that will undermine these special edition beers and other assorted seaside tat, whilst at the same time actually giving the happy couple something extra on their big day.’

 

Sounds like a load of old cock

 

Gottle-a-gear

A Romanian politician has been told to stop moonwalking as it swings subversively left of their historically staunch political arena.

 

Liberal Democrat Edmund Talmaceau has also been informed by Prime Minister, Emil Boc that his impersonations of celebrities and the late dictator Nicole Ceausescu are unfavourable, citing them as ‘showbiz’ as opposed to politics; this despite his blog rising from 49th spot to 7th in just two weeks.

 

Edmund defended his popular ethics, saying, ‘Dancing is another kind of political message to appeal to the younger generation; that it is good to have fun.’

 

‘Let’s see how he dances on the end of a rope.’ Mimed Nicole the ventriloquist’s dummy.

Ed was last seen break dancing on Oprah

 

 

Aint nobody here but us chickens

A Russian ET recently discovered half buried in snow at a notorious UFO hotspot has been identified as a hoax by two students who used stale bread covered in chicken skin.

 

However, radical conspiracy theorists claimed, ‘powerful people in the military do not want us to know about this one.’

 

What one, what’s he talking about? Chicken? Na, haven’t seen any chickens, just kitchens here mate. This is Kitchens Direct… you know, Aint nothing here but these kitchens… aint nothing here at all!

Enjoy your fight

Hong Kong Airlines confirm training their crew in kung fu has been a huge success.

 

Deft in the art of wing chun, a close range combat style with emphasis on striking and grappling, a new recruit was able to try out her ‘Lin Sil Die Dar (simultaneous attack and defence) moves on a big man who collapsed on a flight from Beijing to Hong Kong.

 

A spokesman from the airline said, ‘Normally a female cabin crew can’t handle a fat guy, especially if he is drunk, but because of the training, she can handle it quite easily.’

The man is recovering in hospital from a suspected heart attack and internal bleeding.

 

Mind your Q’s and T’s

The world’s smallest caravan can be towed by a mobility scooter and is small enough to meander around a supermarket.

 

The QTvan was built by designer Yannick Read who described it a ‘joy’ to be able make something so eccentric.

 

At 2m by 75cm the van houses a bed, kettle, TV and radio alarm clock. Extras will plug you into a satellite dish, central heating and solar panels.

 

Named after the British love of queuing, tea and caravans these carbon-neutral vans can be found on the Environmental Transport Agency (ETA) website for £5,500, which as described by the agency’s spokesman doesn’t cost a bomb unlike its Basque region edition… boom boom!

…Or perhaps bum bum, as gym owner Merche Leseca from the Basque region of northern Spain has added nudist nights at his East Gym in Arrigorriaga.

 

Merche said, ‘Times are hard, there is a crisis. I am not a nudist myself, but I don’t mind it at all.’

 

Merche was convinced of the idea after surveying naturalists of whom 90% said they would happily exercise in the nude – which begs to think what the other 10% thought… ‘Take my clothes off, what? You damned pervert, go on, on your bike.’

 

I… give up

A man proposed to his wife via the Washington Post crossword.

 

Corey Newman swung it by Marlowe Epstein in clue 51 across, which read; ‘words with a certain ring to them’ followed by, ‘Shakespeare in Love’ and, ‘Casablanca screenwriter’.

 

In the following week’s edition Marlowe penned her answer in the clue, ‘to succeed in attaining, achieving or experiencing; obtain a previous sexual experience.’

 

Stick a pony in my pocket

Comic TV writer John Sullivan died this week aged 64. Best known for only fools and Horses, John had a string of successes with Citizen Smith, Dear John, Just Good Friends, Roger Roger and most recently Rock & Chips.

 

Poly Styrene from X-Ray Spex also kicked the bucket aged a mere 53 – where would the world be without Bondage Up Yours?

 

And lo saddled with the remembrance of ANZAC Day this week, be sure to doff your titfer to the legends.

 

 (Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘John Sullivan wrote the theme music for Only Fools and Horses and wanted Chas n Dave to sing it, but they were busy knocking out There Ain’t No Pleasing You, which fool’d love to play, but will stick to Chas n Dave’s contribution for The Jolly Boys Outing episode – Down to Margate – this’ll keep your toes-a-tapping’

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘yeah, got youtube back, eh, yeah, can you turn it up?’ – Death from the four horses of apackoflips

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I went in a pub and had a ploughman’s lunch – he wasn’t half mad!’

 

And now folks…

 

crazy fool’s

Kitchen

 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

 

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

 

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

 

 

www.highstylecondominium.com

 

Animal news

*Australian camel could soon be on your dinner plate if Egyptian, Mr El Asran gets his way – he owns a slaughter house in Port Pirie and says camel is healthier than beef, although it does get a bit chewy when old, especially the foot… bit toe-ey.

 

 

Number crunching

 

*Michael Angelo’s Hand of God has been replicated using 12,000 Rubik Cubes. 11 people took 400 hours to adjust every piece in the 50 tonne structure by hand. Mind you, Uli Kilian ran the London marathon the other week solving 100 of the puzzles en-route in 4hrs 45 mins – that’s just under three minutes a cube. The man from Streatham raised £3,580 for Prostrate Action. Meanwhile daredevil Eddie Kid is still running the London course and is expected to take another three weeks. Eddie who once jumped the Great Wall of China on his bike has been confined to a wheelchair since ’96 after a jump went wrong, but has a specially built frame enabling him to walk up to a mile a day – he expects to raise £50k for Leukaemia.

 

*Young men in Britain watch on average 2 hours of porn a week compared to 15 minutes by women. Heather Wood (and did) from the Portman Clinic told BBC1’s Newsbeat, ‘they are more worried about themselves, more worried about what they are looking at and report more relationship problems.’ – Well, there’s so much more to look up to these days.

 

*In a 16th century book, written in 1505 to be precise; De Secretis Mulerium (The Secrets of Women), it states ‘females are failed males.’ And to spot a virgin would mean for her to have to sniff a lettuce and if she then had to go to the loo after she must have lost her cherry. Oh, Bondage Up Yours; play us out Poly.

 

I’m off – come on Pig (his name’s Brutus you know – so why don’t you just say Brutus then?)

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s – two in the can waiting to be uploaded – another recorded this week – knock yourself out! … still waiting!!!

 

p.p.s. sport is back – and a mild PotDQT with slight Fras showers will return shortly!

 

 

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

 
 
 

 

Other news