productions presents

That was the week weren't it...

The jungles moist breathe had seeped through my humid-sodden pockets and reduced my cigarettes into mush. I fumbled through the packet, shredding between fore-finger and thumb the wet contents into clumps of a yellowy, brown dank tobacco and paper mix. I continued to press, roll and occasionally blow on to revive life back into what, probably was going to be my last nicotine fix for that day.

I was in a throng of 100,000 monks and protesters in the heart of Yangoon, formerly known as Rangoon, in Myanmar, formerly known as Burma. We filled the width of an eight- lane motorway for a whole mile deep. We were the largest group of protesters the country had ever seen. We were marching to the house-bound home of Aung San Suu Kyi, who'd been under house arrest since 1988, when the military first took over her country. We had walked a long way and we were hungry and tired, we chanted over and over ‘May there be peas', ‘May there be peas' in some foreign brogue, but to no avail.

As the march continued I wondered of her isolation and how she might fair on the Xbox 360's new Halo 3. My mind was suddenly dragged back to the march by stick wielding cops who by now had dispersed a lot us, some just went home for their tea, but a thousand head strong of us made it to Suu Kyi's home, where she was due to make her first public appearance in what was more than four years. By now my mix was dry, I rolled my fix, I lit the match on the only corner of dry strike left - then fumbled the sodding thing in the fanatic's melee. Hurriedly I bent over to pick it up as it flickered beneath a thousand bare-footed monks feet...by the time I managed to stand up Suu Kyi had waved to her people and was gone...We never got any peas.

bernard undercover

For more on cfn's fearless Johnny-foreigner reporter, formerly known as Bernard, see pages 46 & 23 in between the ad for, ‘Had a fall off the toilet at work - you can sue - Call Crapaid on 09033447886' and

‘Charlie Brown and Peanuts bash up Lionel, the little gay poof - steroid shop' - put the beef back into your boff, txt. beefaid on 090'...

1. What countries border Myanamar?

2. What type of adventure did Bill and Ted have?

3. Which is Australia's largest lake??

4. What would a palaeontologist study?

5. What word can go after "leg" and before "ear"?

6. Which fruit is Spain's national symbol?

7. What musical invention was invented by David Rockola?

8. If you lived in a plutocracy, who would run your government? A) The rich B) The military C) The men

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - I did, well we did, alright she did!

 WHO AM I? - Ich bien ein gotten! Ya folks, ze Legal Eagle snapped up last week's clue, which was of course clue No.1. So well done there mein von cryptic cranium. It was of course General Bernard Custard, and no bonus points for knowing his middle name - Douglas - because they were not on offer. So for a brand new clue, straight from the fool's head himself - here is clue Numero uno; "Some say I was born under a wandering star."

is it me?

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment*NEW *NEW*** (Like it all isn't!): Audrey Hepburn is Belgiun. Plus research shows that professors who smoke are twice as likely to write a book as those who do not. Also the first letters of the months from July through to November, in order, spell the name JASON.

But now those in the cheap seats please step aside for...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine, sangria, mojito, live music, amazing food - what more do you want? - See what's on every Wednesday in the *classifieds - under, ooh, entertainment, restaurants...and did someone say party?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh September - cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds. Couldn't get enough of those steaks last month dude - see what's on offer this month.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in their rugby world cup t-shirt collection in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

More, more, more and more stuff in the *classifieds pages now - something for the weekend?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger will give us his angle on last weekend's semi's and his hot tip for who will take home the cheese at this week's Grand Final - He's got lots of angles that fella - but what about the cheese?

*Trigger, although slightly more rounded, does nonetheless have all your Down Under gee gee winners in a hat-full of answers. His strike rate is phenomenal.

*Tit-bits gets down and dirty with another couple of all time classics, and we're still talking jokes.*Grub - Up will continue to delight you with Cameron Diaz' lips on the side, whilst *Fishman is re-grouping himself and tells me he'll be in town this week with an array of tails! *Bongo Massif Bro's - bit of trouble with the van I believe.

Mr. Meaner...You've got 2 hours to clear your desk.

But now it's ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

‘It's been 3 years and 342 days, since you ran away from me, oh, ohh, oh ohhhh...'

What you doing Sinead? Not now - the final's not till October (Bloody nuns, you can't trust them)

Lots of ooh's and argh's this week, although none of them coming from Ronan O'Gara's bedroom - apparently he's having a spot of bother with his missus, which the French tabloids enjoyed splashing all over the place last week -Ronan doesn't like to talk about it, so neither will fool - doh!

I bet Ronan would like to keep schtum about the French game too, (BTW he's also a chronic gambler) because yet again the Irish failed to do...anything.

Ronan ‘Prince William' O'Gara did manage a token drop goal on half time, but that was, as said, little more than a token. Their forwards were mercilessly harangued by a marauding French pack, causing turnover after penalty after turnover, with the eventual sin-binning for the big lad Paul O'Connell. - The big eejut.

The backs were in no shape to create the chances they enjoyed six months ago in the Six Nations, as D'Arcy stated, "It just doesn't seem to be clicking for me or us at the moment." - It certainly doesn't, and neither does your name by the way.

Either side of Paul's yellow card the French scored tries, both from the office lad Vincent Clerc - one of them a beauty - delivered by a chip kick off the outside of Michalak's boot into the right corner for the Clerc to pounce on. Ponce on more like.

Let's be Frank or Jean Claude as the French say, and lay it on the line - Le Cocks look pretty good. They're defensive game last Friday was in essence their attack and it was ferocious, and with that kind of play they could rock anyone, unlike Jean Michel Jarre who's a cunt.

Tonga certainly seem to be rocking everyone's boat and slapped the South African's murdering intentions with a forwards rock solid performance - they've got a pretty livewire backrow on that island and it took all of S.A's stars to come off the bench at the end of the game to hold on to their 30-25 win. (Ed. Nb, all 22 didn't play at the same time)

Wales afforded themselves a luxury win over Japan 72-18, and after studying the game intensely the Japanese captain Takuro Minchi exclaimed, "There has certainly been progress over the past 3 years but we have to work on playing for 80 minutes." - It helps.

England next, and they finally managed to pull in a half-decent performance with a composed win over the Samoans 44-22. Sgt. Wilko it seems restores confidence into their side, as Martin Corry explained, "When you see Johnny step up to kick for goal, you never think he will fail. That gives everyone a huge boost when the opposition are conceding penalties and frustrating you." - Referees bad English frustrates the fool - It's ‘couch, hold, pour, drink.'!

This game unfolded with the spectacle and result of what you would have expected before the tournament began - barrage, hits, barrage, and ultimately an end consistent with a two tier division. Dally explains the barrage and hits bits, "Samoans see big hits as part of their game and they'll target your rib-cage as they're entitled to do. These are hard boys, but it's a hard game." Life is hard and so am I - more novocaine for my soul please.

Andy Gomarsall shed more light on England's ethos, in what is a very entertaining group, "We still need to be better for longer, nobody's getting carried away. But we showed genuine character when Samoa roared back." - The fool's still taking odds!

And not to labour on England or Sgt. Wilko come to that, but Michael Jones was very sad to lose but also glad to see the Wilko back, he said afterwards, "I am still very glad to see him back after all the injuries he has been through. The man is world class." - Good honest Christian that Jones fella

Ok, moving onto Australia's roasting of Fiji 55-12? And they did it with consummate ease, as was expected. The islanders held fast to their rugged running belief but never really looked like overthrowing a very in form Australian outfit.

Whereas the All Blacks showed signs of contempt for normality and decided to play crap against Scotland's B team. Yep, they looked like England and Ireland had joined forces and come up with Canada! There were dropped balls, forward passes and all kinds of comedy rugby. The Scots held on to their own 22 for most of the match, which was enough to earn them a 40-0 defeat!

Some news on Japan's final game and they drew with Canada 12-12. They left it late and it was well into the 80 when they converted a last gasp try, which caused Ric Suggit the Cannucks coach to comment, "We have been saying all week that they come on strong at the end of the game." - You just didn't quite believe it then eh?

John Kirwin the Japs coach referred to it, "Like getting out of jail." And "I thought we were pretty average but you can't question our courage or commitment." - I don't know, what do you reckon about their courage and commitment?

Romania beat Portugal 14-10. And afterwards everyone got drunk.

Whilst Georgia beat Namibia 30-0 and they weren't sure how to get drunk, flanker Rati Urushadze explains, "We don't even know what to expect of our celebrations. It is our first victory - we're amateurs at winning!" - Meanwhile defence coach Davit Chavleishvilli earned himself a free villa, to go on the end of his name - "This victory is for the whole nation, not just rugby." - Sometimes you've just got to know what to say.

The U.S.ofA lost 21-25 to Samoa

Enough tosh...now...

Games to watch over the weekend:

England v Tonga - Huge, absolutely huge - it's a dog fight for the quarters spot. The only time they have played each other was in the ‘99' World Cup and England won that 101-10. Tonga's captain Nili Latu said, "If we keep believing, we have a very good chance. This is the best Tongan team ever, made up of all the players we wanted to select from overseas clubs. - Are they Tongan? An on form England on top of their game will smash them...or it could go horribly wrong...(Fill in this space)

New Zealand v Romania - And the fool predicts a rare Romanian treat - I think they call it impaling - slightly left of the normal rugby rules, but fun nonetheless!

Australia will smash Canada. - And it looks like Larkham will not only have to nurse his injury a bit longer but also fight for his place, if he ever comes back that is. Where did he go? - Montpellier - thanks.

Wales will clobber Fiji - One team is coming on form the other just wants carva.

Scotland and Italy is another contest for the quarters - The Scots will bury them then dig them up and bury them again. They can be right bastards those Scots.

France will beat Georgia convincingly, but not without a fight - a proper fight.

Ireland v Argentina is another mother of a contest, another do or die for the last eight. Ireland have to get four tries and win by at least seven. Argentina haven't conceded a try yet! Not sure I'd put my bottom dollar on it, but...Ireland.

S.A v U.S.ofA - come on U.S.ofA never thought I'd hear the fool ever cheer for the old plastic country - but come on U.S.ofA

World cup shorts:

Chabal is a sex symbol in Frogland, where one, on heat, office worker, donned in silk suzzies and panties under her tight fitting power skirt with an unbuttoned suit top just about revealing a braless hint of double cupped edges of breasts squirmed, "Chabal is raw, huge, monosybillic and hairy. If he held you you'd know about it - you'd stay held. That's the kind of real man that all women secretly crave. Anyone who tells you differently is a liar. English women don't know what they are missing. You're Jude Law is not a man - next to the caveman he is nothing but a toy.' - She then exploded.

Meanwhile Georgian President Mikhail Saakaslvili is so overwhelmed by his team that he intends to build 10 rugby stadiums in the next 12 months - there are only eight pitches in the whole bloody country now. Captain Llia Zedgenidze said, "I hope rugby will become the No.1 sport in Georgia." - It will now with your boss's evil 1-year plan - here come the salt mines again.

South African players are boycotting wearing their horrible Springbok blazers until Eddie Jones is allowed one. Andy Marinos is the manager of the commercial side of the SARU and he's the man who says, ‘no'. He keeps telling the Boks to concentrate on their game and win the cup and not to worry about his little scams or the under-hand pressure he's under from the supreme blue eyed Arian race. But after weeks of wrangling he finally snapped at reporters, "The decision stands and it is not going to be changed and they must not worry about whether or not certain individuals are wearing blazers." (There, I said it, you can put the gun down now)

Gareth Thomas 33 of Wales - their captain in fact, will earn his 100^th cap against Fiji this weekend - another to join the 100 club - like last week, can you name the others - here's a clue; G.G.- J.L. - F.P. - P.S. - S.L. - D.C. - A.T.

Biggest disappointment: Commentators inability to pronounce Japan's openside's name - It's P-h-i-l-l-i-p O'-R-e-i-l-l-y.

Biggest idiot: After England finally had a half decent game and were content to notch up a few penalties to keep the Samoans at bay, Asian TV network commentator on Star Sports suggested, he's a Scot by the way, that, "England need to play a more expansive game and put Ollie Barkley at No.10 and use Johnny Wilkinson off the bench." - And he wasn't taking the piss.

Bloke to watch this weekend: Tongan openside and captain, Nili Latu. (They're the same bloke)

Biggest confusing comment: Sgt. Wilko, "I do get sucked into the atmosphere because I love playing rugby and I have not lost that desire to get involved in everything. To be honest, I like to nullify the number on my back and get stuck in." - Who uses nullify anymore - I ask you.

The odds: on Sgt. Wilko topping Gavin Hastings' World Cup record of 227 points this weekend? - he's on 206 now.

Best comment of the week: ARU boss John O'Neill barked, "It doesn't matter whether it is cricket, rugby union, rugby league - we all hate England."

Some off the cup shorts:  

Is Latham going to Bristol?

And Gavin ‘orange' Henson got thrown out of one bar and was barred from several others in Bridgend, South Wales after wetting his baby's head. The bouncer at the Barracuda Bar said, "He was all calm and the next thing I know he was shaking the hell out of this little guy." - See, that's what happens when you turn orange.

Johnno's best ever world...no, stuff that, let's go back to fool's own goldie-oldie from yonder back where he picked a world XV from men (Or women) with facial hair - from memory:

15. Rolf Harris (Australia) 14. Mute bloke down the hole in Life of Brian (Wales) 13. Ned Flanders (Springvillian) 12. Capt. Blackbeard (Alias Capt. Ed Teach - English) 11. Helen Clark (New Zealand) 10. Jesus (England) 9. Yo Semite Sam (U.S.) 8. Moses (Uganda) 7. Emperor Ming ‘The Merciless' (Planet Zorb) 6. Tom Selleck (Hawaiian) 5. Ho Chi Minh (Russian/French/Yank/British Viet) 4. Bin Laden (Saudi Arabia) 3. Col. Sanders (Vietnam) 2. Hitler (Austria) 1. Stalin (Prussia)

a babe

Other Results:

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket now:

A potential WWIII was nearly triggered in the inaugural Twenty20 World Cup on Monday, bar the fact that Pakistan were cautious as India had the home advantage of playing in Durban!

But first, how did they get there? Well India knocked off South Africa by 37 runs in such humorous fashion that the hosts are still splitting sides!

And Pakistan beat Australia leaving their captain Shoaib Malik only to ponder on how they would get out the Indian run machine in Yuvraj Singh in the final, "We will have a meeting and decide where we are going to bowl to Yuvraj. He is playing superbly. We must trap him. I believe we can." - ‘We must trap him' - it's like a comic strip.

In the final India didn't need to use Yuvraj too much as opener Gautan Gambhir was content to do most of the damage hitting 75. But it did go to the wire, and with the Paki's needing 5 off the last ball none of the coaches visible signs of prayers came to fruit and India won. M.S. Dhoni weeped, "I will treasure this for the rest of my life." - And so he should, although a ticker-tape parade back in the home country was a bit over the top.

In other news; Ponting says he'll be fit for Australia's 7 ODI's and one Twenty20 in India, as NSP chairman Andrew Hilditch points out, "Although Ricky's injury is very disappointing it gives us the opportunity to recognise the outstanding performances of Brad Haddin domestically and his limited opportunities for Australia in the past 12 months." - What about if he wears a wig a dark glasses! - All a bit lame and long-winded eh.

Whereas Fred may never play again!!! He went home from S.A early with what the medical staff called a ‘severely fucked ankle' - yes the same one, which means he won't be able to hurl his bombs at top speed. And our Freddie is not a specialist batsmen - savvy?

Peter Moores commented, "At 29 Andrew has huge amounts of cricket left in him. I'm sure the medical people will get the injury sorted and he will come back as the force he is." - Or not.

Keeping with Freddie, of sorts, and multi millionaire Giles Clark is the ECB's new chairman and he's just outlined his new blueprint for England, culminating in them winning the Ashes back in 2009. He's a no-nonsense WWI general, who has stamped a zero tolerance on ‘off the pitch Tom Foolery', such as hitting the piss. When asked if Freddie would ever get the captaincy he said, - and tell me if you think he's a self righteous oaf (Ed. Use cunt), "Mr. Flintoff must first determine whether he can get fit, poor fellow. But I wouldn't tolerate a captain of England who found himself in that situation. What happened with the pedalo wasn't on my watch, but such things are from now on in." - Cunt.

Till next week...

Other sports:

The Hatton and Mayweather saga goes on with Hatton getting pretty sick of the Yank. He says, "He's been like this every day, not giving me one ounce of respect. It's the biggest load of nonsense and crap you could ever want to hear." - I hear you.

They then appeared on Sky Sports where Hatton yelled, "Don't touch my dick you poof." - After they had a little tussle. And Hatton continued, "He's an insecure man. That much is obvious - look at the amount of bodyguards he carts around with him. They are everywhere, wearing their jewellery, flashing money and shouting their mouths off. It maybe promotion but it's his way of masking stuff." - Floyd continued to crap on about how he's the best fighter that ever lived. Hatton disputed it saying, "It disrespects the genuine greats like Ali and Leonard." - Yeah mate, we hear ya - just deck him.

In the F1 we head to Japan's Fuji Speedway this week to a track that hasn't been used for 30 years. And Juan Pablo ‘the bitch stirrer' Montoya has been telling the world how the Ham is Ron Dennis' ‘baby' and Alonso will do well to get out; - "Then he went to McLaren and my wife Connie and I heard Lewis was going to be his team mate, we said, ‘Oh my God.' We immediately felt sorry for Fernando because Lewis is Ron's baby. Ron paid his whole career, so Ron wants him to win. Fernando is nothing to him." - How is Connie, Juan?

Three races left, two points between the Ham and Alonso - either way Ron wins.

Casey Stoned on the other hand has won - the MotoGp that is. He did it finishing 6^th in Japan where he only had to finish ahead of Rossi who came in 13^th after tyre and brake trouble. With 83 points clear and three races left the Stoner said, I didn't really expect to be World Champion today. This feels weird!" - Dude.

13 year-old Ian Scoggins ran after his dad in a half marathon in Portsmouth, Hants U.K. to wish him good luck and ended up running the whole bloody 13 miles. I bet his dad was really happy - he's spent six hard gruelling months of trying to lay off the piss and has been training every sodding freezing summer morning and along comes his son and jogs it through at the drop of a hat!

And now it's time for the world news: Bong, bong, bong

Sales of stockings and suspenders have risen 525% in U.K. shops since 2002. A spokeswoman from La Senza, which has 171 shops throughout the U.K. and caters for all kinds of bank robber said, "Now we sell double the amount of stockings to hold-ups."

J was 25 years old last Thursday and my computer won't let me do it - you know, the colon, dash, close bracket thing which turns into a smiley face - now it does just that - automatically turns into a perfect smiley face and the maker of the bloody annoying thing Proff Scott Farnham from Pittsburgh U.S. isn't happy, he says, "It destroys the whimsical element of the original." - Never used it and never will - oh bugger just did!

Keeping computer-ish WAYN.com the travel and lifestyle net did a survey and found that France was the most unwelcoming country for Brits - they got 32% of the vote. Next were Russia then Germany. On the friendly side were America, Ireland, Spain, Greece and Australia. Jerone Touze, who is French and the co-founder of the company said, "I am shocked to learn that France is considered the least welcoming. I urge people to give it a chance." - Fat chance Froggy.

paris in the spring

This week saw Prince Harry snort a capful of vodka at one of his wacky Prince Harry party's. Anti alcohol abuse club Alcohol Concern president Frank Soodeen told us why we shouldn't snort vodka, "The medical view is clear. Taking alcohol up the nose increases the risk of acute alcohol to the brain. It is absorbed by the lungs and bypasses the liver." - Surely that's a good thing isn't it!

harry?

Rock n roll's crazy capes part IV: Liam Gallagher once fought a member from his own band in a posh Italian restaurant, which finally escalated into a mass brawl where he lost a fair bit of blood. Plus, he's also been banned from one airline, four hotel chains in America and an English cross-channel ferry company.

Wheat prices have just gone crazy and their snowball effect has caused a 30% increase in the cost of pig feed. 60% of raising a pig is food. Ian Campbell of U.K's National Pig Association said, "Pig farmers are just giving up. It's not worth it anymore." - The fool urges, please don't give up, no matter what it takes, don't give up - need bacon, need bacon. Jeez, it's the stuff of nightmares - quick he's going under, cut to Tommy Cooper...

Tommy Cooper corner moment No.9: "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?' I said, ‘Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'".

Marcel Marceau the famous mime died aged 84 this week. He spent 50 years on stage and never said a word. - What's all that about!

The Sex Pistols' John Lydon, alias Johnny Rotten has pooh-poohed Sting's come back gigs with the Police by slanting, "You know, listening to Stink try to squeak through Roxanne one more time - that's not fun. It's like letting air out of a balloon." Meanwhile the Sex Pistols kick-off their comeback tour - Never Mind the Bollocks on 30^th November. - Love that - not the tour, just Johnny's witty irony.

Cd's, Dvd's, clothes; if that wasn't enough now the Chinese have copied a whole bloody city - Paris to be precise. Every single last cobblestone brick to the Eiffel (Awful) Tower, which is a third the size, to the Parisian style houses have been carbon-copied in a luxury housing complex in Hangzhoiu east China. It took five years but they bloody well did it. They expect a population of around 100,000 people. - Eat your heart out Texas!

A hotel in the popular seaside town of Tenby South Wales used to be a convent, so keeping with tradition its owner called his hotel The Convent, which has gone down quite well with the suits in the local council. Not gone down well however is its sign outside which is of a nun lifting a bodice revealing her breasts with the words, The Convent stamped across them! It's tastefully done; a olde black and white print probably 15^th century, and you don't see any nipples , but clerk Andrew Davies isn't happy, he rants, "We think the sign is disrespectful to the nuns who used to run the convent and is inappropriate for the location.' - Just no pleasing some people.

thats not a nun

Ok lastly, Poland has a new political party in the Women's Party, who think the country is run on male chauvinism - is there any other kind? Their leader 49 year-old Manuela (Man's name) Gretkovska, along with seven other lesbians have posed for a poster in the nude with just another poster covering their bits saying, Women's Party- Poland. MANuela stressed, "This is not pornography, there is nothing to be seen in terms of sex, our faces are intelligent, proud and committed." - What have they got against non-intelligent faces? They want; free contraception (This is Poland remember), more gynaecologists, more child care, a right to a pain free birth (Now their just being silly), penis rights (Ugh?) and equal pay - ok, ok, that's enough.

polands intelligent faces

fool's party coming soon...

just cf it

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