Crazy Fool's Newsround - 21st - 27th October 2011 volume 455

21st - 27th October 2011 volume 455
October, 26th 2011 20:02 PM

“Come on, come on, we really got a good thing going”

(David Bowie)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

Click on fool’s logo in home page or just hit this: http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php

Plus listen to and stream live on line at www.radioindochine.com

And catch his: That Was the Week… What a Week! Show - Saturday’s 1p.m.

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 27.10.11

For Elements of: 30 Squadron, Royal Air Force Regiment

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

www.saigonsoundsystem.com

Fool’s gold

A man who turned his own faeces into gold has been jailed.

Paul Moran from Northern Ireland set his house on fire after putting his ready made lumps on the electric heater to brown off then fell asleep.

The 30 year-old from Enniskillen was charged with arson and endangering the lives of others.

The judge, beside himself with bemusement said, ‘Rather bizarrely you were attempting to make gold from human faeces and waste products. It is an interesting experiment to fulfil the alchemists dream, but it was never going to succeed.’

Paul’s lawyer described him as a smart man but he has a drug problem. He received three months and a £2000 fine, which he said he’d gladly pay forthwith if the court could give him a hot curry and ten m minutes.

In by a whisker

It was scientifically proven this week that with age comes wisdom, meaning the hare and tortoise fable was more than just an old Aesop tale.

Canadian research put 24, 18-35 year olds and 10, 55-75 year-olds, who still maintain a job, through their paces of performing tasks whereby the rules changed as they went along. The best decision makers it seemed were those who were less bothered by making mistakes and just got on with it and those were of course the oldies.

Author of the report Dr Oury Monchi from the University Geriatrics Institute of Montreal, yes there is such a place, said, ‘The older brain has experience and knows that nothing is gained by jumping the gun. It was already known that aging is not necessarily associated with significant loss of cognitive function.’ And he concluded, ‘We now have neurobiological evidence showing that with age comes wisdom, and that as the brain gets older it learns to better associate its resources.’

Note to Paul Moran in Enniskillen; another 25 years and you could probably think about your pension.

Things that go croak in the night

Aliens caught on film in a Brazilian rainforest have sparked genuine beliefs that something else is ‘out there’.

A British couple took video footage of kids in a local village in the Mamaus region where in the background is clearly what appears to be an alien and not far behind it in the thick foliage floats lone orb.

The area is well known to authorities as having ‘intense UFO activity.’ A government official confirmed the film footage and said the area was very well known to them noting, ‘The area was also the focus of a high-level Brazilian government investigation known as Operation Poato, where the army was sent into monitor and confirm an alien presence in the region.’

The footage has since been snatched up by a prominent Hollywood producer for a princely sum and intends to use it in a forthcoming film.

Meanwhile a UFO sighting in China, which had villagers in Hauyan to be running for their lives, turned out to be an airship that belonged to nearby Datian Aviation who said, ‘We apologise for any inconvenience but the airship is completely harmless, it just flew out of range of the remote control unit.’

Well, they would say that wouldn’t they, but we all know the remote control unit was the mother ship controlled by a core segment of Jim Morrison’s peace frog alien situated on Saturn’s largest moon Titan, which lends it common croak to the jungle’s sound on its regular visits.

(sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Having been notably traversed through the space time continuum by means of Jimi Hendrix’s Golden Winged Ship that used to dock in my back garden, where in that secluded spot of perceptive seeking solitude did snuggle the enchanting nightly chorus of the peace frogs, as they echoed round the lake like a footballers chanting Mexican wave, I could safely say that aliens were amongst us and Bowie’s Life on Mars was but a mere bounce away on what the awakening hours revealed to be my daughters trampoline, but for those split seconds in the dark recesses of the nights ink sky, twinkled with pearls of mysticism came the transcendentalism of our human psyche through the medium of birth. The reasoning process that governs the nature of experience that can only be idealised through the social movement of conception and it’s after springs of joy that bundle our world with life and meaning, for are we not here to procreate little beings of sobering sunshine that emulsion over the hazy gut full of booze the night before and lay cradle to nurturing life as we know it; at least that’s what Crispian Mills told me on the phone the other day explaining his spiritual jaunt he took around India in the early ‘90’s and came back with a bucket full of tunes that paraded our souls with such an entwining grip that only providence could have conjured them and with that passage of enlightenment did he bid my daughter a happy first birthday and send in his Get It Off Your Chest Request with Hey Dude, which Crispian, I will merrily play for you and dedicate to the wee one…

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said: ‘Frying tonight was probably the most memorable line in any of the Carry On films.’ - Jimi Hendrix

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘Show me a milkman with high heels and I’ll show you a Dairy Queen’

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

There’s always the www.coreyashcroft.co.uk appeal – check it out

Don’t forget the classifieds pages – updated weekly

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

Next event to be posted ASAP…

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

www.highstylecondominium.com

fool’s gold – available on his radio show - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php and 92.75fm - www.radioindochine.com

Animal news

*A mysterious case of a man belting a woman with a frozen armadillo has surfaced in Texas. Following an argument in a car park where she met the man to purchase the mammal intending to eat it, a disagreement pursued regards the price and he assaulted her by throwing the frozen carcass at her, not once but twice, which resulted in bruising to her legs and chest - Which reminds me of Roald Dahl’s, Lamb to the Slaughter where the house wife kills her husband with a leg of frozen lamb.

*Fish fart to communicate, well herrings do at least. Bob Batty from the Scottish Association for Marine Science found the fish emit bubbles from an area close to their anus which relays a high-frequency sound that only herrings can hear; they then form ‘protective shoals’ in times of danger.

Number crunching

*A council in Britain sent 12 people and a policeman to change a light bulb this week. The street lamp was situated at a busy crossroads and the junction box in a precarious position, which was surrounded by a hedge, so the parks department had to send a team to trim the foliage and a third team to man the cherry picker then a leak was found in the light so a policeman was called as a security measure when darkness began to fall. It takes three gays to change a light bulb, one to change it and two to clap their hands exclaiming, ‘fabulous’.

*Tom Boddington was thinking on his feet this week when he ordered a pair of novelty monster slippers complete with claws on the end. Knowing he has one foot bigger than the other he asked for a size 14.5 left slipper as opposed to a mere size 14. The British based internet company passed on the details to their factory in Hong Kong and a clerical error ended in Tom receiving a size 1,450 slipper, which Tom can comfortably fit his whole body into. A spokesman from the company said, ‘It was sent directly from Hong Kong and measures the same length as a grizzly bear or a family car.’ The company are awaiting news if it is a Guinness World Record, which if so they will keep it.

*Strongman Adnan Ismail al-Awad from Syria pulled a 100 tonne train this week. The train at Kadan station near Damascus was 20 metres and actually weighed 2.5 tonnes but with an incline on the track, it pushed the weight up to 100 tonnes. On-looker Mohammad Youssef said, ‘The difficulty is at the beginning with getting the carriages to move, this needs great strength, more than 100 horses.’

*The newest biggest burger in the world costs $2000 and is 338lb’s including 15lb’s of lettuce, 30lb’s of bacon, 30lb’s of tomatoes, 36lb’ of cheese and takes 22 hours to cook. You can get it at Mallies Sports Bar & Grill – order one day in advance!

*Toronto broke some records recently; last week the British runner completed a marathon race at the ripe old age of 100, but also the fastest half marathon was run by a mascot male, the fastest full marathon by a man dressed as Superman and the fastest full marathon by a man dressed as a bottle!

*Man flu is real to a fifth of British women. The notion of men being rooted to the settee watching sport was amongst other misconceptions in a 2000 strong survey regards to health, well being and old wives tales. One in ten believe carrots help you see in the dark and grey hair is due to stress. 37% believe body heat is lost mostly through the head, whereas research shows covering any part of the body proves as much affect as any other part. And apparently watching too much telly doesn’t give you square eyes. For any other meaningless myths watch Hollywood’s latest thriller Contagion, starring Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jude Law.

*100 sand sculptures were built in Bogoto Columbia this week, depicting land marks such as the Eiffel Tower, the Pyramids of Giza and the Corcovado Mountain. Just using water and sand the icons were squeezed into 32,300 square feet using 6000 tons of sand from the River Sumapaz. Amazingly this expedition will run till 4^th March 2012.

*And lastly the most stolen food world wide is cheese, which makes you wonder if that’s what happened to Big Dan’s cheese slices last Sunday night. The UK’s centre for retail research studied 1,187 people representing 250,000 retail outlets across 43 countries and found 4% of cheese was missing from their shelves. Other high risk products are fresh meat, chocolate, alcohol, seafood and infant formula

Which reminds me, identical twins delivered fresh new babies on the same day in the same hospital in Indiana, which staff said was something they never recall happening before, which in my book is tosh, because my missus has a twin and both their due dates were the same… except ours came first and the other three weeks later.

Remember; there’s lots more on fool’s radio show – That Was the Week… What a Week – available on this site and 92.75fm local Phuket radio and worldwide on www.radioindochine.com Saturday’s 1p.m. straight after Big Dan’s Sports Centre show.

I’m off – come on Brutus

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

Just cf it

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page