Crazy Fool's Newsround - 21st - 27th November '08 volume 307

21st - 27th November '08 volume 307
November, 27th 2008 05:24 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: fool has been a cloud operative for 41 years, along with his work pals Richard Harris, Peter O’Toole, Richard Burton, Oliver Reed and Stan Laurel. It has come to light that God’s (George Harrison) regular crew of Peter Frampton, Labbe Sifrie, Olivier Newton John and David Cassidy are unable to pump up the sun on this particular morning, so He has asked the cloud busters to step in, as He can’t do it Himself on account of His lumbago.

fool: Yi,,kerumba..ikes, unf, unf, unf, ye olde snake o’ pigmy mudder of pearl pie; this gentlemen, is the Holy oh Holies, the crème de la menthe, la gazpachigos um soupus. Ye unto thee haveth he saided; He, thy great maker of mirth, myrtle and myriapods – ye none udder than Mr. Cheese Heself, has fallen upon his un-quivering resolve to call forth us, us the mere mortals of vapour-isers, thee sky fluffers of the firmanent, thee sheep makers in the azure, to create the dawn for thy morrow; Yes folks, we are going to pump up the sun in order to set sail for another day! What’d’ya say to that?

Burton: This calls for a toast fool

All: Aye

fool: Aye indeed – Here’s to the dawning of a new error (Typo)

All: Here, here (guffaw, guffaw)

Narrator: As the toasting of the sun continued into twilight hours so did the sun, and ne’er did it see 29^th February, nor the 30^th, And so it was; the cloud busters gave way to the clear blue skies of March, whereupon all the mad March hares sprang up to say ELO; Stan Laurel told everyone so, fool became crazy and God got over His lumbago, although he still has a slight limp, and He, just like fool’s jokes, petered out into a quiz:

1. Name two members of E.L.O. that’s all, just two?

2. LBJ was President of which country in the 60’s?

3. In which country is Turku Airport?

4. Belonophobia is the fear of what??

5. Where is the Sea of Vapours?

6. What in your body are affected by phlebitis?

7. hat is the currency of Greece?

8. If a dish is called ‘florentine’ what is it cooked with? A) Cheese B) Spinach C) Eggs

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? At last, the king is dead, long live the king – these clues were gotten by the Eagle who soared into a delightful pecking spot for what should be a close finish; you’ll notice on the rather confusing scoreboard he’s in first place: Clue No.1 “I was in that film Self Made Man was talking about and I think I was probably the most obvious omission so far, though I’ll not sleep over it!” – Clue 2: “You could equate me to Newman and Redford or Douglas and Heston, although I never acted with him much!” – clue No.3: “In a race to fame it might be a dead heat.” – It was of course Al Pacino…of course! – Now a new clue No.1 “My dad was a secret lemonade drinker”

is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 43 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those double jointed – yer freaky bastards!

Dracule: 19 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 14 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 5 (1 or 1, 1, 1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: You

Quote for the week:

John: Am I right in thinking that you have a daughter?

Peter: Yup. Henrietta

John: Did he? Did he really? That must have hurt, hurt like hell.

A Bit of Fry and Laurie

*Non-descript trivia moment*

ALCOHOL MEASURES

BEER

nip…¼ pint

Small…½ pint

Large…1 pint

Flagon…1 quart

Anker…10 gallons

Tun…216 gallons

SPIRITS

Tot (whisky)…1/6, 1/5, ¼ or ⅓ gill

Noggin…1 gill

Bottle…1⅓ pints

GILL

1 gill…¼ pint

Modern measures…25ml & 35ml

fool’s Gold

Psycho was the first Hollywood film to show a toilet flushing and that generated many complaints

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone

There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse performed each day

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconios

This is a word which describes a respiratory disorder that causes an acute shortness of breath.

So who was the idiot that decided to come up with a name that suggests if someone were to ask you "What's wrong?" .... well you'd have probably died by the time you could get the answer out wouldn't ya?

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Folk, who gossip, chitter-chatter, whisper the Chinese canards (tis isn’t it!), the bletherer’s, the blather’s, the confabulators of scandalmonger, the slappers of slander – You know, I heard just the other day that… That and other people’s feet – BASTARDS!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and buckets of wine by the err, bucket... plus beer, oh yes beer, don't forget the beer...they have beer you know. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam – I think! – Some cracking live music too folks.

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate; good food, good meat, good God let’s eat:

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Christmas is coming and we’re all getting fat, wanna put $10.00 in crazy fool’s hat!

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; dares to delve this week.

*Trigger: is back to tickle your flutter, this week fore sure!

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – fool’s tip: to avoid (clap, clap, clap) “And welcome…” every time you open the site press pause/play and forwards and rewind buttons! – Next one out in Nov?…Dec?…2009? – It’s a busy time folks, sorry, in the meantime press pause!

*Tit-bits – .../...Why?…/…Gordon brown…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week or the week after, hang on, just let me get my shit together)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks, but for now read about an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – You’re on in ten on the main stage - LoretoFest

Mr. Meaner... please, introduce Christmas

Now, you’re just in time for the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

Seconds out, round three: and in the mixing bowl last week was some luck, some drama and a fine dollop of some master class rugby – put that in your pipe and save it for Christmas – the heck with that; can’t wait, won’t wait – smoke it now!

England recorded their biggest defeat at Twickenham to the MB’s 6-42 and mixing around in that bowl of necessities was a slither of masterful rugby by the Boks.

England will be hugely disappointed, not just by the scoreline, but by the fact that once again they held both keys to possession and territory but did bugger all with them. They started off looking promising, even when Rossouw muscled over from a five metre scrum and Cipriani handed over another opportunist try for Ruen Pienaar to charge down his pedestrian kick.

England continued to win ball and Care continued to probe, but approaching half time it was becoming very clear that England didn’t know what to do with it. The forwards won quick ball then slowed it down by heading three or four strong into the same situation and doing it all over again, by the time the backs got the ball they were flatter than Kate Moss on a particularly busty day!

Nick Easter kept the English pack going forward as the MB’s opted to defend and defend and defend, as Johnson said, “They defended very, very well.” – That they did, but they also took their chances; their best and one of the best tries all season, came from quick ball at the lineout, a sharp back line move where JP Pietersen broke the gap, was half tackled and popped to an absolute speeding little fat bastard in the form of Adrain Jacobs, who swerved his way under the posts at full throttle.

England continued to attack, but with what little ball the Boks had they were still in control, and further tries from a break away 90m dash from Fourie and an injury time try for the somewhat quiet Habana accentuated a point.

Dewi Morris recognises England’s talent, but is frustrated at the reigns they put on themselves, in playing what he calls ‘robotic rugby’ he also said, There is no shortage of skill or flair out there, just a woeful absence of cohesion.”

Johnson was probably more pragmatic, admitting they didn’t turn pressure into points and stated, “They gave us a lesson in certain areas of the game. Obviously the main one was scoring tries.”

But we’ll leave the last word to Sammy Davies Jnr, “For 80minutes we had to concentrate very hard. But we were brilliant with the ball in hand and we were brilliant without the ball.”

Ireland guaranteed themselves a second seed spot in the World Cup draw by beating (up) Argentina 17-3. The Argies were certainly keen for some bargy and they got it back by the spudfull, B.O.D. explains, “If there were any scuffles then there was always guys there on your shoulder to help out. It was important that we looked after one another.”

They did look after one another and began to take control of the games through penalties until O’Gara saw the free Tommy Bowe far out on the right wing in the 76^th minute and sent across a pin-point kick for him to gather and score. Had Ronan slotted the conversion England would have jumped Argentina in the world rankings and would not need to beat New Zealand this weekend!

Over to the spectacle of the week, which came from a master class performance by the All Blacks to beat Wales 29-9. It had the drama too, with a Welsh stand off after the All Blacks delivered their Kapo O Pango haka, one reserved for the big occasions, but the Welsh stood firm, silent and motionless for a couple of minutes until referee Kaplan nervously placed the ball in the centre and pleaded with both teams to stand down – eventually the All Blacks did. Ryan Jones said afterwards, “We wanted to show it was our stadium, our pitch and our fans.”

I’ve thought about this and as far as the fool loves the tradition, he also sees it as form of psychological cheating, but it would be silly for the Irish to do a jig, the English to Morris dance or the Italians to all shout obscenities at once accompanied by frantic indecipherable hand gestures. No, every opposition should be given a musket, one bag of shot… Narrator: get him off quick… fool: An un-flapping Gunner sergeant… Narrator: And now folks back to the game:

Wales were hugely passionate in the first half and played some excellent rugby; they had the edge in the scrums and won their turnovers. Martyn Williams was outstanding in the loose and they deserved their 9-6 lead at half time.

Richie McCaw recognised the problem, saying, “We expected Wales’ passionate start. They had us a little bit rattled just before half time.” But then the Oil Slick took effect. Thorn and Ali Williams battered up the middle, Rodney So’oialo battered everything and McCaw played his usual marauding game.

The Welsh were still in it despite a few penalties not going their way, but the All Black forwards were a yard quicker and as the Welsh went down to 13 men for a couple of offences Ma’a Nonu pounced to deliver one of his text book try’s. Jerome Kaino added another on full time, but by then plan B had already been successfully executed.

Henry said, “I thought they had a huge second half, well led by Richie and the leaders, probably the best half of rugby we have played all year.”

Warren Gatland said he was proud that the All Blacks are the best side in the world and that Wales pushed them all the way, well semi proud; “For 40 minutes I was pretty happy.”

Over in France-land you must be wondering how many more get out of jail cards the Wallabies have got up their sleeve.

Australia deservedly won in Paris 18-13, and it wasn’t just the five kickable penalties that David Skrela missed that let them off, but the French themselves or to be precise the French backs.

The backs played like they didn’t want to, they kicked when they should have run and hesitated in attack when they should have stuck to a plan. However, the forwards, the forwards, Ave Maria, the forwards were pretty heroic, led by their Captain Caveman himself Sebastian Chabal. He hit everything, tackles and the holes, with such ferocity that the whole stadium shook.

That’s not taking anything away from the Aussie pack, which Andy Powell from Wales reckons is the best pack in the world, and yes, at times they certainly are. George Smith is their cornerstone, and he charged on every French back mistake, but the big edition is Stephen Moore who bundled himself over for a close range score.

Moments later Burgess through a horrendous pass gave away a five metre scrum and France nabbed a penalty try after Smith had dived in.

The Git is still holding up a contention for one of the best No.10’s in the game, but you’d be an idiot if you think the rest of the backs are performing, even though Peter Hynes ran in a nice try from quick hands in the right corner.

It’s taken four years and eight games but the Specifics have finally won. They beat Italy 25-17. Poor old Iti’s eh, just when they were doing so well.

Fijian Vilimoni Delasau scored two tries in what was extreme rugby – the first in the third minute! Ghiraldini hit back in the 13^th, and when Ratuvou broke free on the half way line to score you knew we had a game on, which bloke down the pub says is how you stat a darts game – ‘game on’ – the fool’s not sure he believes.

Anyhow, we did have a game on and the Specifics were not ready to throw it away, even after a late try from a nice reverse flick pass fro Iti skipper Sergio Parisse to Mirco Bergamasco. – The song remains the same!

Somewhere amongst all that Scotland beat Canada…by a lot, sorry, didn’t get the score, but I do know they scored six tries. Big Frank said, “It was good to win this week, put away a few tries and play with a bit of freedom to put ourselves in a good position for the forth coming Six Nations.”

That’s enough of that; let’s see what’s cooking this weekend:

England host New Zealand and you don’t need a lot of noddle to work out a result here. Johnson’s made four changes, which as a squad spells no drastic change to the outfit, as the strength in depth of their outfit is in accordance to their collective experience. Jonno says, “There is no 50 – cap cavalry coming over the hill. We have to live with it and handle it. This is our squad and we back them.”

Henry knows the result already; “I have a lot of time for Johnson. People just need to be patient.” – I think we understand what he’s saying

Point of interest – Flutey played in the 1999 Under-19’s World Cup with Richie McCaw, Rodney So’oialo and Kevin Mealamu, who I reckon looks about 40! I also reckon Delon Armitage should be the No.13 spot with Olly Morgan at fullback!

fool says: England 42 – 39 New Zealand – Come on, you’d be a fool not to…join me, join me, join me…join me…join me…ha, ha, ha…j…o…i…n…meeeeeee (bang; the sound of gun fire)

In Wales-land I think the wise money is on Wales, but Australia are a good side, and you make your own luck. Shane Williams says, “They are a massive threat.” Graham Henry, what’s he still doing here? Anyway, he says, “I think Wales are in with a decent shout of beating the Australians.”

fool says, (although heavily bandaged): Wales 28 – 21 Australia

On Wednesday 3^rd December a star studied Baa Baa’s side play Australia and they will win – who? – Australia.

Some shorts:

Bryan Havana’s going to France in 2009; he said England, Wales and Scotland are all too cold.

Japan beat America 32-17 Takudzua Ngwenga scored for America and Shaun Webb scored for Japan – get your head around that!

Czech Republic beat Moldova 11-9 in a World Cup qualifier – Uruguay beat Chile 42-6 in the South American Championships and Bosnia Hergozania beat Azerbaijan 18-7…Hergozonia…hergocroatia…hergoslavia…herg???

I’m done.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup! Curiously he’s had one taker – it could be you!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.

end rugby here!

bad leg?

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England’s woes are on the up, but is that gonna get ‘em down, by buggery no. 7-0 whitewash – pah; drop in the ocean – tell ‘em you’ll do it in six!

Mind you, they were a bit unlucky in the third ODI at Kanpur. It turned out that KP didn’t kidnap the Yuv’nor after all and instead Fred nearly got in a fight with him.

Bad light then stopped play and India won by 16 runs on the D/L m. Ex Indian captain Ravi Shastri said, “If the ground has lights use them. Otherwise it’s an absolute farce.”

The same thing happened in the forth with India nicking it by 20 runs. The computer said England needed 198, but they only got 178. That was at Indore – should have been anyway!

In the fifth England were again in with a shout with KP notching 111* along with Owais on 66* However their 270/4 was not enough, and rightly so as bloke down the pub said they needed at least 290.

Mind you that probably wouldn’t have been enough as the Sehwag was on fire hitting 91 off 73. KP confirmed that when he said, “Sehwag was sensational again and Sachin Tendulkar chipped in with what I believe is his 90^th one-day fifty, bless him.”

Bless him indeed, but the KP is not all chummy and light with the Indians nor indeed with his own team’s performances, and concedes that India are a class side and England are playing rubbish. They’ve tried a couple of tricks, such as bowling first, batting first, having a day off, but no tactic has worked and he’s a bit stumped; “How can we stop them? I don’t know to be honest.” – ‘Psst, KP, hit the ball over the boundary and throw the ball at their stumps – schtum…you haven’t seen me right.’

In other news; Australia beat New Zealand in the first Test at the Gabba by 149 runs and poor old Symonds is never gonna get away from the media now. Because some idiot tried to pick a fight with him in a nightclub and he defused the situation by calling the manager, he’s name is inappropriately muddy again in the paper – ‘I shag one fish!’

Englishman Andy Moles is the Black Caps new coach for the second Test on Friday in Adelaide and he’s got his work cut out if he wants to take them off the 7^th ranked spot in Test cricket. – Go Jessie.

Till next week…

Other sports:

Ricky Hatton took care of business in Las Vegas against Paulie Malignaggi. The Italian-American came out pretty quickly and the ‘Hitman’ had his hands full for a while. Then a couple of big rights in the 8^th and a nice left hook in the 9^th secured a dominant and unattainable points tally and by 25 seconds into the 11^th Paulie’s corner called it a day.

Meanwhile Lennox Lewis 43 says the heavyweight division is characterless, boring and slipping further and further into the dregs of obscurity. He on the other hand reckons he can single handedly (made up word) ‘save the sport’ – for ₤60m; “If someone wants to pay me serious money, ₤60m or so, then I will fight again.” – Or so.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

China, the country where you can’t get a decent Chinese, has opened a police station at the foot of Mt. Everest after an increase in theft, gambling and prostitution – must be a foot fetish zone.

a mountain to climb

Shakespearean fan Andre Tchaikowsky (heard that before) has had his dying wish come true when his skull was used as prop in Hamlet. When the fake skull called in sick Andre, a concert pianist, took his chance and actor David Tenant, who plays Dr. Who – just told you, held up his skull and spoke those famous words, “Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest of most excellent fancy.” – Andre was just 46 when he died in 1982 and he has been waiting in the wings ever since. A friend of the family Dave Ferre said, “They will be pleased he has made it on stage.” – Not enough Yorick’s around these days.

Luke Skywalker’s original lightsaber is going up for auction and is expected to fetch ₤120,000. In fact the whole of Hollywood is up for auction and you could get yourself C-3PO’s head from Return of the Jedi for approximately ₤53 grand and Harrison Ford’s Indiana Jones’ hat and whip for 40 bags o’ sand a pop.. There’s also gremlins, Gizmo and a frozen Robin from Batman and Robin 1997. Auctioneer president Joseph Maddasahatter said, “This sale features over 500 pieces of Hollywood history. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.” – Yeah, if you’re some kind of sad sap that wants a bit of an old film stuck in your house.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVI! “I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.” Victor Borge

Eleanor Rigby’s geography text book is up for sale too and is likely to stir up around ₤15k. Eleanor lived around the turn of the 19^th century and her grave was one of the inspirations for the Beatles song – A Hard Day’s Night – err, no sorry, Eleanor Rigby. The current owner of her house found the signed book in the coal shed and said, “It’s a piece of history.” – No it isn’t; Hitler’s moustache is a piece of history, Nelson’s arm is a piece of history, Jake the Peg’s leg is a piece of history, but an old signed school book by someone completely un-famous and sung about by a few long haired pop stars isn’t history!

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; “Despite constant warning you have never met anyone who has had their arm broken by a swan”

Boffs have apparently found sugar in space, which by all accounts is proof of existence of aliens and the fact that they like tea. The organic molecule was spotted 26,000 light years away from earth, just about where the stars are born, said Johnny Mathis.

Next year you can buy a watch from makers Romain Jerome of Geneva Switzerland which has real space dust on its face. 1,969 are being made to celebrate the 40^th anniversary since Elliot Gould stepped out of Capricorn One. But make sure you’ve got some bunty because the watches are going for between ₤10 and ₤30,000. Designer Yvon Arpae said, “We cannot comment about where we got the moon dust from.” – Dah! - And, “We think space exploration groups and people who are passionate about the moon will want one of them.” – Yeah, or maybe a sheep would! Keeping as accurate as her piece she continues, “Of course, they will need a little bit of money as well.” – Get off my page, you silly Swiss person made from cheese.

Finally the size of sperm doesn’t matter – rest easy fellas. It was commonly thought that the bigger the fish with the bigger tail would get to the honey first, but tis not the case, as although a bigger tail will create more thrust, its bigger head counter acts it. Boff Stuart Humphries of Sheffield University said, “Assumptions regarding the physics of sperm locomotion have hampered our understanding.” – Which I think means we were wrong - And now here are some boobs: