21st - 27th May 2010 volume 381
May, 26th 2010 14:55 PM

“If you ever hear a noise in the night

Your body starts to sweat,

It shakes and shivers in fright…”

(Specials)

 

 

 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

 

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 27.5.10

 

For the 1st battalion Coldstream Guards

 


 

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong  bong  bong:

Saving Nemo

The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, fled the Royal Lodge grounds of Prince Andrew this week.

 

In a desperate bid to flee the limelight surrounding her money for information scandal, she took the first pumpkin to the seclusion of sleepy LA, where upon her unicorns rested.

 

In her wake she left video evidence of her accepting cash of $40,000 as a down payment with a further $500,000 on the full delivery for inside details on the Prince, with whom she once described their relationship as the ‘happiest divorced couple in the world’.

 

 Claiming to be inherently poor from the Royal family, Fergie entered the legal realms of the economical trade market with a total disregard for any ethical side effects as noted in the small print.

 

Later that day at a charity function for under privileged kids organised by Tinsletown’s popularised Variety, a Rotary Club for the self righteous, Fergie announced, “I learnt today about making a difference…’ (The crowd went wild, whooping and whistling)… ‘Most importantly I learnt I hate grown ups and I love children…’ (Crowd are ecstatic, whooping, whistling and Chucky is masturbating whilst moonwalking on a Michael Jackson effigy)… ‘When I got on that plane from London today, I thought phew, what a heavy day’ (more hysteria, fireworks. Goofy is humping Snow White’s leg and the Seven Dwarf’s are gang-banging Toto, whilst Nemo snorts cocaine off the Unicorn’s horn and is over-shadowed by Ratatouille who is brandishing a meat cleaver)… ‘But when the child’s choir came out tonight, and I saw their little faces, I turned round to my friend and said, ‘You know what, I’m glad I did it because it’s about the children.’ (The G-Force dance with Richard Gere, Scooby-is Doo-ing Shaggy and Peter Pan exploded).

 

 

Dr. Frankenstein I presume…

Meanwhile Dr. Craig Venter has brought a bug back to life at his laboratory in Rockville Maryland USA.

 

By extracting germs from the bacterium Mycoplasma capricolum he was able to introduce artificial DNA strands which revitalised and began to multiply. He declared, “This is the first synthetic cell that has been made. It is an important step.”

 

‘Another Stepford Wife Mr. Creosote?’

 

 ‘We’re here’

A couple in their 50’s cheated life when they hit another car then cascaded down a 300ft ravine and landed in a pool under a waterfall. Ironically the place was called Dylife, a beauty spot in Machynlleth, Mid Wales.

 

Both passengers walked away from the wreckage with just bumps and bruises. Mountain rescuer Mark Jones was dumbfounded and said, “They landed in just the right place – six feet either side and they would not have survived. If you saw it in a film you think it was far fetched.’

 

If it was ‘Star Wars’ I would, but then I’ve never seen it. It wouldn’t work in ‘Ben Hur’ either. Perhaps, ‘It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World’

 

 

Up up and away

Roy Dixon is a 45 year-old charity worker who after a stint in Haiti wanted to cheers himself up so he tried his hand at paragliding after ‘studying’ it on YouTube.

 

He bought a £300 kite, tied it to the back of his car, took off, had nowhere to go so bumped back down again, flew straight back up and came down a second time breaking his back in two places – no Tommy Cooper jokes please, the car was stationary – rather, he broke two vertebra in Hexham, Northumberland UK.

 

I did a similar thing with a friend’s rig except I took off in a field. We were on our way for a pint when he asked if I wanted a quick go. So off up we trundled up this hill and I took off first time. I flew for a couple of minutes, soaring ‘miles’ in the sky and then coming out of the fading sun I saw the motorway fast approaching so slammed on the cords, crash landed and was dragged 50metres over bush, rocks and the odd scattering rabbit. The pint tasted good.

 

 

Sweet dreams

If you’re looking for a hint at death why not buy the Amityville Horror House which is up for sale at $1m.

 

The five-bedroom Dutch Colonial abode was the setting for many a film and based on the murders of six DeFeo family members shot dead whilst they slept. Their eldest son Ronand did it in 1975.

 

Still, a million eh!

 

That’s enough of that, let’s have this:

 

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Scary Monster (and super creeps) by Bowie was considered his step towards commercialism as opposed to experimentation.’

 

The most fashionable bra size in the UK is the ‘DD’ cup, which along with the hips are on average 4” bigger than the 1950’s.

 

Women have also grown, on average taller by two inches since those halcyon days of rock n roll; in fact the tallest model is a lady from California called Amazon Eve who stands at 6ft 8” in her 40” stockings. She’s also wears the popularised ‘DD’ cup, but a 38 – and they’re pointing at you.

 

 did you look around the picture!

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD:   for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: BEER COAT – The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3.a.m. in the morning.

 

 

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell,

 

The one that got away

Carp is on the smuggler’s list these days as £300k worth of the fish were brought illegally into Britain this week. Fishery owners will pay up to £20k for a 50lb carp with penalties amounting to only a fine and or up to two years in the big house.

 

Ben Weir from the fishing magazine Angler’s Mail said, “It has become a major crime over the past year. We’re hearing a lot about a certain Mr. Biggs. There’s a more organised element now.”

 

It is suspected they are being trained to perform in a circus run by Diane Rains from Wisconsin USA. She claims to have trained her goldfish to play the glockenspiel and hand bells, saying, “At precisely the right time she will play her bells for a few seconds only, then swim away satisfied.’

 

The fish called Jor Jor is particularly keen on Barbara Streisand’s Moon River. Diane explained how she trained her; “When the fish does a correct behaviour, I greet it with a visual click of a penlight. The click is immediately followed by a treat delivered with a special feeding wand. No punishment or coercion is ever used.”

 

Renowned for her work in training octopi to write, Diane denied any knowledge that previous fish were subjected to electro-shock treatment and when it was clear they had no musical talent were shipped off to the Hippy Chippy in Walthamstow east London where owner Mr. Weir said, “Fish, what fish? Oh no, we’ve only got chips here; we got chip shop chips, steak cut chips, curly chips, thin and crispy chips, oven cooked chips, beer battered chips, straight chips, rustic chips, golden chips, crispy turmeric and paprika coated chips and low fat chips, but not fish. We’re a chip shop.”

 

Meanwhile a British angler in Thailand caught the biggest cat fish on record weighing in at 14st. Special constable Joe Ball from Mitcham Surrey said, “There’s your Mr. Big.” Before throwing him back in the water.

 

 

All for charity mate

Lewis Gordon Pugh, 40, the endurance swimmer extraordinaire, completed a 1000 yard swim in the lake under the summit of Mt. Everest.

 

Eco-activist Lewis swam the Pumori Lake to draw attention to the melting Himalayan glaciers. In just a pair of Speedos, swim hat and goggles he dipped into the -2º C at 16,000ft up and swam for 22minutes 51 seconds, swimming slow enough to prevent hypothermia. He said, ‘It’s one of the hardest swims I have ever undertaken.’

 

Lewis, considered the best cold water swimmer in the world, has swum in every ocean including regions of the North Pole and most recently the full length of the Thames.

 

The Plymouth born Cambridge and University of Cape Town educated environmental speaker, swimmer, maritime lawyer and motivational speaker reminds the world that ‘Bodies can heal themselves, what matters most is the state of the spirit.” – You wouldn’t think he’d have enough time to come out with crap like that!

 

Another ecologist, inspired by the chance to grow a beard is Rob Forbes from Cirencester Gloucester UK who has cycled and swam to South Africa to attend the World Cup.

 

The 27 year-old set off last October and headed straight for Gibraltar where he then swam the 16miles to Africa. He said that was ‘physically and mentally tough’ but then he did see some dolphins and whales.

 

Next was the 11,800 cycle through the Dark Continent, where he found finding a place to sleep was the hardest challenge, but he had plenty to eat as he explains, “You get desperately hungry cycling for 10hours a day, I ate caterpillars, porcupine, camel and crocodile from street sellers.”

 

He heads into Durban soon where he’ll complete his venture with a 90km run starting in Pietmaritzburg. He hopes to raise £19k for his charity Re-cycle, an organisation supplying second hand bikes in Africa – to which I am eternally grateful, as now my footnote makes sense!

 

1940 Tour de France

 

Keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

 

 

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

 

 


 
 
 

 

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