20th - 26th May 2011 volume 433
May, 25th 2011 19:56 PM

“Is there nothing I can say

Nothing I can do to California with an aching in my heart”

(Rolling Stones)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lad – The One With Pat

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 26.5.11                                           

For Elements of: 29 Postal Courier and Movement Regiment; Royal Logistic Corps

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

Cash back guarantee

A man from Utah found £28,000 in the loft of his new home and gave it back to the previous owner.

 

In what is undoubtedly one of the most selfish acts of unmitigated redemption ever recorded, Josh Ferrin was scurrying around his new home in the aptly named Salt Lake City suburb of Bountiful searching for an escape route from damnation before May 21st hit town when he came across a World War II ammunition box containing bundles of rolled up dollar bills.

 

‘I freaked out, locked it in my car, and called my wife to tell her she wouldn’t believe what I had found.’

 

Further investigation led to several other boxes, which they counted on the kitchen table. They gave up counting on $40,000 and guestimated the rest to be around 5 grand.

 

With warnings of salvation ringing in his ears Josh did some research on the previous owner and found he had passed away. So without a second thought to the leaking tap, a new kitchen he promised his wife and the annual pilgrimage to the capital for an unadulterated wild weekend of barn building, he gave the cash to his six children.

 

‘The money wasn’t ours to keep, and I don’t believe you get the chance very often to do something radically honest, to do something ridiculously awesome for someone else and that is a lesson I hope to teach my children.’

 

Through her defence lawyer, Harold ‘Judgement Day’ Camping, Mrs Ferrin said, ‘Josh has always been a worthless prick with no grounding on reality… I’ll take the ring and the watch.’



Ergo? I’ll go

In order to guarantee fulfilment here on earth the world’s biggest insurance firm, laid on an orgy for their workers.

 

Ergo, one of the divisions of Munich Re provided twenty prostitutes for its top 100 salesmen. The end of year ‘party’ in 2007 was held in Hungary’s Art Nouveau Spa in Budapest.

 

Encouraged to ‘do what they liked’ the ladies of the night were denoted with yellow and red wristbands to differentiate between hostesses and ‘happy endings’. They were then stamped on the lower arm by way of a tally for their conquests. Top salesmen and board members were offered the executive white wristband.

 

A spokesman from Ergo said, ‘this is not the usual way of rewarding their employees.’


 

Moved on

The organisers have since left and are now believed to be working for an Australian couple who call themselves Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

 

Formerly known as Alan John Miller and Mary Suzanne Luck, the couple with some 30-40 followers, have caused a mini ‘property boom’ where they live in Wilkesdale, Queensland.

 

Between them they have clubbed together $400,000 and bought one square mile of land, which they intend to develop into an international visitors centre.

 

Local stationery and haberdashery owner Harold Camping said ribbon and stamp sales have gone through the roof.


Don’t bite off more than you can chew

British royalty and the well off used cannibalistic remedies to treat illnesses and mild biological complaints.

 

Charles II and Mary Queen of Scots would regularly quaff a potion made from the human skull. Whilst epilepsy and ‘emergency treatment’ for the dying were given something called Kings Drops, named in association with the £6,000 price tag for the recipe.

 

‘Corpse medicine’ was extracted from the bodies and bones raided from Egyptian tombs and European graveyards. Eaten or worn; the fat, flesh, blood, brains and skin of dead soldiers were ground to be stuffed up the nostrils to cure nosebleeds.

 

Dr. Richard Suggs whose book; Mummies, Cannibals and Vampires said, ‘The human body has been widely used as a therapeutic agent with the most popular treatments consisting of flesh, blood and bone.’

 

- Which is good news for anyone who knocks a couple of scotch eggs back bought from a motorway service station just outside Royston Vasey.


 

Thank heavens for cheese

And lastly, good news for cheese lovers is that new research shows dairy produce is not related to heart disease.

 

Studies at Brown University, Rhode Island, found the nutrients in milk, cheese and butter cancel out the saturated fats, thus causing no harm.

 

The nutrients include; vitamin D, potassium, magnesium and conjugated lino leicacid, which is good for the blood.

 

3,700 middle aged men and women were tested, resulting with no statistical link. Stella Aslibekyn who led the study said, ‘Milk and cheese are very complex. It’s important to look at the net effect of whole foods – not isolated nutrients.’

 

You can almost feel the sigh of relief lift from the earth’s crust, so much so that a shock wave so fierce rumbles through the atmosphere from Wenslydale to Bega that Harold may have been right… but give it five months.


 

 

 (Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘If you type in ‘greatest prophet’ on Google, an argument about Mohammed and a bunch of other big cheeses come up trumps. But as far as fool’s aware Mohammed’s Sting Like A Butterfly is the only boxing song around. … oh, hang on, The Hurricane - Bob Dylan… then I suppose there’s The Boxer by Simon & Art… why didn’t Simon’s surname ever get a mention? Matters not, fool’s going with the butterfly song this week.’

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘Got any pictures of sea-pigs? – Sea Pig Society of South Shields


A sea pig

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘Did you hear the joke about the fire eater? She hiccupped and cremated herself’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity


 

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

 


 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

 

 

Animal news


*Yes, yes, yes, the bloke who takes his pony to the pub, gets in fights then takes it  hospital to get stitched up and finally tries to take it home on a train is an Irish tinker who lives in a caravan in Wales – who and where else!

 

*However, the wallaby found in a garden in Dorset was most definitely not Australian and is probably 4th generation Isle of Man – that’s where a colony of 100 or so hang out. From there they feed animal parks on the mainland where such creature had probably escaped. Jan Cooper filmed it and told her husband to come and have a look; ‘I told him there’s a kangaroo on the lawn, I can’t tell you what he said, but he didn’t believe me.’

 

*A poodle fell out of the sky in Canada, it survived with three broken ribs, claw marks and deep gouges on its back and neck. An animal sanctuary took care of it and called it May, as it was found in May then said it had rotten teeth was probably a stray and so they shot it – not sure about the last bit, but I got bored.

 

*A man from Glasgow put a £1 bet on a 7 horse accumulator and won £350k – hey trigger, where’s the form!

 

*Noodling in Texas is back on, as Senator Bob Deuell backed it, ‘I personally don’t noodle, but I would defend to the death your right to do so.’ – Noodling is Hill Billy hand fishing for cat fish and used to be illegal. It’s probably sexual too, but we won’t get into that.

 

*Ground forces and a force helicopter were deployed to track what was believed to be an escaped white Siberian Tiger in Hedge End, Southampton. A police spokesman said, ‘After a brief stalk through the Hedge End Savannah, the officer realised the tiger was not moving and the air support using their cameras realised there was a lack of heat source. The tiger then rolled over in the down draft and that point it became obvious it was a stuffed life-sized toy.’ – Which they shot and took home from the fayre.

 

 

Number crunching


 

*In a ‘survey of love’ couples argue 2,455 times a year. Not listening is the main reason at 112 days a year. Laziness – 109. Snoring – 102. Dinner – 82, walking, driving, not taking stuff upstairs, TV, sex, lack of sex, too much sex, weird sex, not enough weird sex, white tigers, discipline children, not disciplining children and 69 days of the year not saying ‘I love you’ made up the rest. A spokeswoman from the insurance company who filed the survey said, ‘… ‘ – Oh something, I didn’t quite catch it.

 

*Britain’s burgers have grown from 50g’s in 1954 to a whopping 170g now. That’s a rise from 140 – 470 calories. I burn my calories by typing this rubbish, how about you?

 

*Richie Magic put out 70 lit cigarettes in his mouth in 60 seconds. He said, ‘It feels horrible, my tongue is numb, the tip is killing me. I feel the skin peeling away.’ – He did it in a place called Scarsdale in NY, which has since caused a massive ash cloud covering most of Iceland and Scotland; all flights are currently grounded whilst fire fighters attempt to distinguish Mr Magic’s tongue.

 

*Oh, I’m just about done here; but I’ll tell you about Luton council’s 20 page risk assessment document on summer fetes. It includes stray balls on the coconut shy, accidentally eating fire lighters on the BBQ and children allergic to face paint (Not to mention White Siberian tigers). Meanwhile Lancashire council can’t allow their employees to climb a ladder in a bee hat with a squidgey of poison to spray a wasp’s nest outside a tenants house, because it’s dangerous Has the world gone crackers without enough cheese?

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s – two in the can waiting to be uploaded – another recorded this week – knock yourself out! … still waiting!!!

 

p.p.s. sport is back – and a mild PotDQT with slight Fras showers will return shortly!

 

 


Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz


 

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