That was the week weren't it:

The scene: It's festival season in Foolshire and deep down inside the bowels of cf's radio station studio, Radio Ga Ga, are folk legends; Paddy MgGinty's Goat, who are about to perform their latest tune.

fool: And good afternoon everyone, it's whispering fool here...ssh, the trees don't need to know, ha ha...

Narrator: Get on with it fool

fool: Anyway...what a show we have for you this afternoon. It's festival time here in foolshire and that means; yep, you've guessed it, live folky, blues and progressive stuff tonight; On the bill are Frock the Poodle, Skynard Is, Wig Wam Bam, John Denver-sole, Frank Lampard, Bandana, Spammed Neat, Fairly Conventional and Steppinoff to name but a few - all playing here later in foolshire's Town Hall, those, plus more, don't forget the bottle raffle, as well as headlining this amazing line up, none other than the PG'sG, who have kindly agreed to play for us this afternoon to kick off the festivities, so let's waste no more time sitting here waiting for the festival to begin, and errm, do it now - ladies and gentlemen, Paddy MgGinty's Goat:

PG'sG: Hey, and a diddley I do to you to fool, herewe go; a one, a one, a one, ton, tree; On rye and buttered toast came I a twinkle in my eye

 for I knew all the trimmings of my beard's is in the pie

 she bent and lent and tickled my fancy for my milk she try

 and good ole Paddy MgGinty's Goat; bleats me; here's mud in your eye...

oh a hey and a la and tra la la la and a tinker's tailor's bum, been roaming all'round these pastures, for twas dat  did I did come...

Narrator: A beautiful tune, one of their best, I think I'm in love with the goat...

fool: Definitely man, but listen, you gotta get your shit together dude, here try this...it's the quiz!

pg'sg

1. Bar the Beatles can you name three people on their Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band album sleeve?

2.  From which language does the word "tattoo" originate?

3.  What are the odds of rolling double six in dice-throwing?

4.  Which British newspaper was founded in 1843?

5.  What is the only English anagram of DISHONEST?

6.  What is the first stomach of a cow called?

7.  What was mozarella cheese originally made from?

8. What was banned by the king in the 15^th century Scotland for interfering with archery practise? A) Golf B) Football C) Whisky drinking

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page - or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com  if you think you know the answers. (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Sniffing ever so precariously close to the big one, but alas no cigars were dished out this week. Both Dracule and The Eagle vy vehemently for the magic number, but let's hear their clues 1&2 again; Clue No.1: "The spell I sold the world 400 years ago was perhaps not from, but only thought it from me!" - Clue No.2; "It could have been my murder that put ink to the sword, for was he but not the business man that I lay down my quill for!" - and lo onto clue No.3; "It wasn't bloody Shakespeare alright, it was me all along, you ninnies. Bill didn't write one sodding play in his whole flatuent life - I'm the bloke with the pen."

is it me?

Big prizes to be won in the next couple of weeks - check the *comps and results page for all the details.

Scores at the end of week 24 in the 2008 series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in. And the Big Comp tally in sub, sub brackets, just to confuse ya.

For those up a gum tree without a paddle, poke that koala, cos he's a lazy bastard!

Dracule: 12 (1,1) (1,1)

Legal Eagle: 8 (1, 1) (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 2 (1) (1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: We come in peas...

Quote for the week:

My advicetoyou is get married: ifyoudindagood wife you'll be happy;ifnot, you'll become a philosopher

      -Socrates (470-399BC)

*Non-descript trivia moment*

CURIOUS DEATHS OF SOME BURMESE KINGS (PART II)

ANAWRAHTA gored by a buffalo during a military campaign. (1077)

UZANA trampled to death by an elephant. (1254)

NARATHIHAPATE forced at knife-point to take poison.(1287)

MINREKYAWSWA crushed to death by his own elephant. (1417)

fool's Gold

• Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build up

• Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of europhoria and leaving you with a feeling of well being

• A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine

Dr. Phil Ology's word of the week:

This is an adaptation of the Chinese kung - work, and ho - together. The Anglicized term gung ho became widely known in English as a slogan that was adopted in WWII by the United States Marines under General Evans Carlson.

"Borrowing an idea from China, Carlson frequently has what he calls 'kung-hou' meetings... Problems are threshed out and orders explained."
"He [Carlson] told them [the Marines] of the motto of the Chinese Co-operatives, Gung Ho. It means Work Together... My motto caught on and they began to call themselves the Gung Ho Battalion."

A relatively new term - the first printed version was in 1941.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

This can be anytime, but is most irritating first thing in the morning: when you put on a pair of trousers or shorts or come to that even a sock and you get your foot stuck on the hem or in the entanglement of a ruffled trousers leg, maybe your foot is wet, but usually its just a gnats cock's worth of your toe or heel that latches super-glue tight to the hem as you pull to no avail until balance is compromised resulting in lots of swearing and a forehead on the floor, because there's no chance your brain is awake enough to tell you to let go and you still struggle on the floor until the dog licks your face, and everything is happy again - BASTARDS!

*N.b. Socks are more of a bastard to put on after swimming.

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and wine by the bucket... plus beer, oh yes beer, don't forget the beer...they have beer. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam - I think! - Some cracking live music too folks.

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. - What's news on the sand-pits mate?

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. Drop us a line on the high mountain trip please Fi. The reply; Hi mountain week ...king great. love (hic) Paul

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD:  Got any Four n twenty pies?

Butchery & Delicatess

 41 Nam Ky Khoi Nghia Street, District 1, Ho Chi Minh City.

(Nearby intersection of NKKN St and Nguyen Cong Tru St)

Open from 8.30am-8.00pm

Tel: +848 8216057 or 9144376

Email:info.kimhai@media.net.vn

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye - look out for their superb long-lunch deals - they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week? - Don't forget...There's a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; gives it to you straight, with a twist...but no ice!

*Trigger:  Higgins...fresh horses...

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in... at this rate probably not till Sept - stay tuned.

*Tit-bits - Nuns.../...advice.../.../...sun burn

*Grub-Up - * New- New - new* - Do yourselves a flavour and get a wabbit - see the menu for cooking it - I followed it then turned it into a stew - beautiful. Now I'm onto the Oyster blades - more about that next week...ok, next week, probably next week...will next week do? Think I've got one this week...?

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment - try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ  ♫...will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman - Read all the Fishman's tails in On The Pond, May ‘08' - new one out NOW folks - something to do with an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver - it's all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro's - playing at Foolshire festival I believe tonight

Mr. Meaner...  they don't get much leaner than this...

Now; the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk et all; but please, if you're not keen do move on:

Some more beginning and end of season Internationals:

New Zealand's All Blacks beat England 44-12 in the still un-finished AMI Stadium in Christchurch; Scott set off for the South Pole from there...well perhaps not the stadium, but Christchurch, and he never came back.

Neither did England, who, for the most part were a far improved side from last week.- That's it, keep laughing!

The fool thought it was, how shall we say, not such an emphatic victory for the Blacks as may have looked to some or even as the scoreline suggests, but was a good win.

Sure the Black's looked pretty good and Henry was happy with 'his' lot; "When you win 44-12 it's not a bad result." As he said after but take away one man, and we all know who he is, and some daring and dashingly splendid English attacking blunders, and you have two equall sides. - Keep laughing.

No, the fool is not delerious nor clutching at, 'if if's and and's were pots and pans', preverbal straws, but and as according to Tom Varndell's post match words, "Analyse the game and you'll see we could have matched them try for try. The fact that they scored and we didn't spells out the gap between us." - Yes, that simple is it? No.

Exactly, it was 20-0 at half time, accumilated from a couple of penalties and a couple of tries against what should really have been, a couple of penalties and a couple of tries. The second half finished 17-12 on the hooter, with a bonus fifth try from Cowan just as Elvis left the building.

Warning; this is not a bleat, but merely a matter-o-factness.

But five tries to two is still five tries to two. The first threat came from Haskell who took a cheeky one at the front of a lineout and popped it to Danny Care, fresh in at half back, who showed his lack of experience and chipped a ball that he should have burrowed with.

Four English up-and-unders later and Leon MacCdonald had cottoned onto their game and counter attacked up field, two quick rucks later and Carter was ball in hand swerving out to the wing then switching inside with new lad Kahui who went un-opposed under the posts.

"We got a lot closer to scoring (this week) but our finishing was poor. The Blacks fire three passes together and suddenly they're behind your posts." Said Haskell.

Mind you, one kick did work and from a Carter fumble Varndell gathered and pegged it down the line. A fend would have been the appropriate weapon, alas he opted for the dive and Leon 'Elf' MacCdonald sheperded his knee into touch - no try.

McCaw went off with a bad knee, and was replaced by a better player on the day, Andy Thompson. Even  with the turnovers at the breakdown and just as equal whistle happy blows from the Jonathan 'hear me' Kaplin (ref) the Blacks found themselves in another attacking position, and quick ball helped Carter to quick think and foot himself between Noon and Tait to score and help his tow-load on the way to another 22 points from the game.

As Henry said, "He's running the ship well and is prepared to have a crack." - Not arf mate, he's something close to Leo Sayer right now, to quote Henry again, "He's in a real purple patch of form at the moment."

Back to the game and Ali Williams (ankle) had gone off and Sione Lauaki on and no sooner he had turned ball over to England but instead of the three points they ran, got nowhere, perseverred and somehow Tait found some space, put in a clever kick but couldn't collect the ever escapting bounce over the line.

After the break Danny Care helped himself to a cheeky score from a quick penalty, but two minutes later and probably the try of the game and the turn around, came from an Ellis break onto a fast and straight Nonu.

Give them an inch..."We've got to give credit to the All Blacks, whenever they saw a try scoring opportunity, got close to the line, they took their opportunites." - Borthwick

As Tindall collected himself another yellow card for slowing down play, well he is getting on, he's the team daddy at 29, England helped themselves to a well worked try from snap ball with Tait feeding Varndell on the right wing.

But of course the Blacks weren't having any of that and from a scrum Lauaki helped himself to a No.8 pick a drive. Which prompted a short sharp glance at the defence and a quip from old school head Henry, "We're scoring tries from the set piece, which is very positive." - No flies on Graham, although he is a big shit - I speak from first hand experience...err, not that I'm a big shit, but I've met him...and, oh forget it.

Anyway, a couple of minutes of sustained pressure after the hooter Cowan slipped over the line, and that was the fifth, did I cover five? Oh sod it.

Over all you'd have to say England need more natural attacking moves in the backs as a unit, but the back row were and are excellent. New Zealand will need to improve their lineouts and work at the breakdown if they're going to get up against the Aussies and MB's in the coming Tri Nations.

But let's leave the last words to England's defence coach, who for the fool summed it up nicely, "I don't think New Zealand had to work too hard, but we were playing against a guy in Dan Carter, who is the smartest 10 in the world." - Sgt Wilko's pretty clever, they should have a brain-off.

Over in the land of lekker brai's, boerworst and prisoners with shoes too small the Murdering Bastards beat Italy 26-0 in a wet Newlands with an even wetter performance.

Still, we found out that Steyn isn't a fly half. He's got a nice boot, but he won't give his team mates any confidence in that position.

We also found out that Luke Watson is not a natural openside, a natural go thumper, hard yarder, ball and tackle huntsman...a scavenger. But he does go alright with ball in hand and was a tad more vociferous than the usual grafting Juan Smith around the paddock.

Italy on the other hand started as hard a bunch of crucifixion nails, and were totally up for it dude. With three of their best props unavailable you wouldn't have noticed it in the scrum.

However, saying that, did they really look like winning? No. It was the MB's 13^th straight win, and they kicked it off with a superb grub kick from Steyn who collected I tunder the posts in the 6^th minute.

A little while later Du Plesis barrelled over from a five metre out lineout. Kankowski got a nasty bump on the head from Carlo Del Favo, which wasn't as nasty as Kahui's on Tait in the other game, but this was with intent! -And Gcobani Bobi dropped just about everything.

Ricky Januarie had a good game and sniped an inside ball to Habana who took it full pelt up the wing and unleashed the 'Beast', Tendai Mtawaria to score to the crowds delight. And that was it, the rest was shit.

Some shorts:

The Emerging MB's beat Romania 25-13 in Bucharest in the IRB Nations Cup final and because Georgia beat Italy 25-3 it means they picked up silver and the folk from Vampire-land ended up with bronze!

The Saxons won the Churchill Cup in Chicago, beating Scotland 'A' 36-19, with Matt Banahan collecting another try - he is big!

New Zealand won the Junior World Cup over England 38-3, despite them being favourites after beating MB and Australia enroute.

And the Welsh and French in that Under 20's division cup both received a £50k two year suspended fine for their mass brawl, which saw four French players suspended.

In the Specific Nations Cup Australia 'A' beat Tonga 90-7 with 14 tries, ok a few first team regulars were in there in prep for this week's French game.

In France's Top 14, fittingly No.1 plays No.2 in a Clermont v Toulouse final on Saturday and the fact that France are missing players from their top four clubs for their coming game against the Wallabies worries them not.

Lieveremont, who has opted for Viet bloke Trinh Duc in the centre and Chabal back in the starting line up said, "We're going to Australia without any complexes and nothing to lose."

It is a mixed up, young and fresh faced side and they'll worry the Aussies at times, but they won't win it - 25-19!

Ewen McKenzie, the most capped prop for Australia has finally made up his mind about Stade Francais and is on his way there.

Brian Smith, London Irish' coach is to sought compensation deals with his club in order to quit and take up the England backs coach job - you'd wanna be paid well for that.

Ireland appoint MB World Cup winning coach Gert Small as their forwards coach. And Kees Meeuws, the 42 All Blacks cap, man mountain is off to Scarletts - the bitch.

Finally Argentina host Italy this weekend and they have all their best players back bar three who are either playing for Toulouse or Clermont. I counted 16 overseas players in their 22, and that's only because I'm not sure where Casi or Sic is. - 39-21.

And quickly for Auckland four:

The woman at the centre of sexual assault allegations in Christchurch has been charged with wasting police time. A police spokesperson said "The description she gave of her assailants she was no help at all. After a huge manhunt we have failed to find any Englishmen capable of playing rugby."

for the other side:

Four English rugby players alledgedly involved in a sexual assault in Christchurch have now been told they are free to leave the country. "They should get the hell out of New Zealand as fast as possible," said Kiwi captain Richie McCaw. "The last thing we need is our women realising that sex isn't just for sheep."

P.s. I'm taking bets now for an England World Cup win in New Zealand in 2011

John Smit's; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV - : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 - the fool promises!

Called the John Smit's XV, as he's the current World Cup winning captain, so we've got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

• 15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Simpsons Hooray Henry crook 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

New Zealand squared things up last Saturday with a 182 all out win over England in the ODI's leaving just two games left.

They were 49-5 at one point until Elliot helped himself to 56 and the man Mills, called in from Weybridge club cricket as cover on this tour, notched 47 off 40.

It, obviously, was a late flurry, which England couldn't manage, as they wilted on 120 all out.

Stuart Broad, who is attracting a healthy credence just now, and rightly so got 2-14, but wasn't happy, and he speaks his mind, "Cricket is a pressure game and we didn't cope."

He then perhaps not so wisely barracked the top, middle and bottom order for their incredulous collapse, "If you see a ball in your area play fearless cricket and hit it. But we didn't get a good enough start then faltered in the middle." - It's good to have fire but the press doesn't need all the dressing room banter...who is the fool kidding!

Meanwhile Essex batter Graham Napier hit a record in the English Twenty/20 game against Sussex with 16 sixes and 152 not out off 58.

"That was awesome..." He said, "...a dream. I was just told to knock it about for a bit." - Do cricketers say awesome!

Controversy hit the fourth ODI at the Brit Oval where the Caps won by one wicket. That wasn't the controversy but Colly's decision to allow all-rounder Grant Elliott to be run out as he was on the floor injured after bumping into Wobblybottom, who was adamant he was going for the ball. Colly had two full minutes to make his decision but stuck by his guns, which he says in hindsight was probably wrong.

He offered his apologies on the pitch after the game to jeers and boos from Vettori and his men. He says he's sorry and its something he has to live with, he also said, "If we had won there would have been a bad taste in my mouth."

Then of course that set them all off, as the Vet piped up again, "I'd like to aplogise for my reaction and that of the team at the end. Now Paul has apologised we can move on." - He didn't mean it...doh!

Australia made no apologies for beating the Windies in their first ODI in St. Vincent. Test debutant Sahun Marsh got 81 as Australia won by 84 runs. The 2^nd game is in St.George in Grenada. - Not a bad place to tour eh.

Till next week...

Other sports:

Wimbledon's started and keep your eye on 20 year old Croatean chic Ana Ivanovic. She's just won the French Open but more importantly, she's a babe.

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Spencer Tunick is at it again. The Yank photographer has cajoled 2,500 naturalists to strip, for it is what they do, and stand in the freezing water of Dublin's docklands in the rain - see if you can spot fool!

Druids, hippies and 30,000 other tourists from around the world flocked to Stonehenge last week to dance naked as the sun rose at 0458 hrs at the annual Summer Solstice bash. A Druid spokeman for the network that incidentally didn't occupy the lumps of rock till after a couple of thousand years after it was built said, "The Summer Solstice is a way of attuning wonders back into the cycles of nature, connecting with the land and turning of the seasonal tides." - Get it, got it, good.

Incidentally a 'best of British' survey found fish n chips to be No.1 followed by the Queen, traditional pubs then Sunday roasts. Other top hits were black cabs, Cornish pasties, Stonehenge and Man Utd! Stephen Fry came in at number 21 and Monty Python 23 and Maggie Thatcher 48 out of 50! - I think that was a poll made by 'Johnny Foreigner' as opposed to home grown, because surely Dangermouse would have been in there, but don't quote me.

Keeping on the British theme and top historian Dr. Dave Musgrave wants the Bayeaux Tapestry back from the French as he says it was made in England. The 70 metre long piece of art, which depicts the Battle of Hastings and subsequently Norman rule was probably sewn in Canterbury says Dave and that, "It is an iconic document of English history." The French nabbed it in 1476 and Dave and most boffs reckon the Latin script and wool used are all common to England and he's fighting hell for leather to get it back. Mind you do gooder and no doubt Guardian reader, historian Carole Hicks warns of 'demanding' back the property may not be the way to go, as she explained how Napolean once took it to Paris in 1803 to rally his troops, "And look what happened to him" she said referring to Trafalgar shortly thereafter. - Yeah, really interesting fool, now where's the titties! - Well, yes it is actually, and here are the titties...

Back to the news and 13 year old racing pigeon Boomerang has finally boomeranged itself back to owner Dino Richardson 76 from Skipton North Yorks after 10 years! Where you been? Coo

Britains biggest walkers are mums at home, with an average of 21.9 miles a week, that's 1,139 miles a year. Estate agents are next with 21 miles. Receptionists are least with 2.5 miles and second least are security guards on 5 - aint nobody here but us chickens - surely security guards should out there - patrolling. Anyhow, 'they' know that because they used a pedometer - how's that work then? I don't know, but I'm gonna go the UK and get me one - want one?

Crazy Rock n roll capes/quips part XXXIV:  "Alcohol maybe man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy." - Frank Sinatra

A 39 year old man from Tampa Florida has been busted for dealing coke. Big deal, but then his name is; God Lucky Howard.

Treasure diver Michael DeMar, you'd have to be a diver with that name, anyway, he is lucky because he found a gold chailce worth $1m. He found it on the Spanish galleon wreck  the Santa Margarita that went down in a hurricane 30 miles off the coast of Key West in 1622.

Meanwhile French impressionist Claude Monet's, Le bassin aux nympheas, sold at London's Christies for £41m - crickey! Jane Austin's signed first edition of Emma brought £180k and a cheque written by Marylin Monroe in 1953 sold for £1.7k. Don't throw anything away, ever.

Peter Kay corner - very Cooper-esque; His questions: "What do people in China call their good quality plates?"

20 year old Tom Bartlett was out hunting wild boars when a 16ft croc nearly ate him. Tom slipped next to a lagoon and a croc lunged at his legs, he fended it off with a palm tree branch till his uncle fired shots in the water, "I was bloody lucky" said Tom afterwards. Not so lucky was a drunk teenager who had his arm bitten off by a gator in Okeechabee Florida.

Springer journal - Human Nature magazine says men a women are very different when it comes to casual sex. 80% of men say it's a good thing, whilst only 54% of women agree. Women, even in this day and age, are looking for a long term relationship, whilst men can't wait to get down the pub and tell their mates. Prof Campbell from Durham University said, "What women seem to object to is not the briefness of the encounter but the fact that the man did not seem to appreciate her. The woman thought this lack of gratitude implied that she did this with anybody." - The nature of the beast!

Ok, lastly 52 year old Macrida Patterson from L.A. is suing a lingerie company after she got injured by one of their thongs The wee Victoria's Secret number had a decorative metallic piece on a 'low rise v-string' and it flew off and hit her in the eye as she was putting them on. A 'low rise v-string', she's 52, there's too many unanswered questions here, one of the 54% me thinks.

Twwwwang

just cf it

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