productions presents

Floody hell, I've filled me boots and I'm off.

The Narrator from cfn productions quit this week in a shock declaration in what he declared as a lack of confidence in cf's home made ‘jokes' and diluted euphemisms of twit.

He was last seen paddling in a 1940's circa (thought to be German) opened brown leather box suitcase, (thought to be stolen) and gaffer-taped together to crudely resemble a makeshift raft. Using the bulky container part as the living/sleeping and steering quarters whilst relying on the shallow lid space for the larder and latrine, he was spotted heading down the River Severe, towards Shropshire in the U.K. heading for, what is presumed, a small village called Cressage, where it was reported that cf would be attending an annual reunion; ‘Cressage 3, The Misunderstanding', - a pilgrimage of a reputedly annual pillage of lightly sautéed drunkenness and slurring - (dribbling rapid fire bowl-air emissions optional).

cfn productions special outdoor reporter and part-time frogman, Emmanual St. Biarritz, caught up with the Narrator in the swollen banks of The River Severe, which now actually resides throughout all English western counties, bar Pembrokeshire because that it is in Wales and is not a county at all, and indeed no where near enough east to be in New South Wales, Australia where *Trigger last week couldn't find a single horse to back due to similar conditions there in...abouts...where of...

I saved these from the floods

 Emmanual St. Biarritz casually swam up to the Narrator and asked him why he suddenly quit and if that was the case why indeed it seemed he was heading for the annual ‘Cressage convention'? The Narrator unhesitantly replied, in a mock Tudor accent, ‘p**s off Frenchie, it's my business', ‘but I'm not French came the stern reply from the rubber clad and diving masked St. Biarritz'. ‘Then answer me this, if you can, ‘not since the war-time spirit of 1947 when we were at peace and Israel (See it's always the Jews...we can edit that can't we?) was invented has fighting broken out by so few over so little; the last bottle of water in a petrol shop in Tewkesbury went for £25, can you explain that? And did David Beckham lift a boot to intervene, did he leave his Cadbury's pub team in the States to come and man the pumps, like England's rugby stars Martin Cory and Ben Kay did in Weston Subedge, Glouc after training in Bath. Was he bailing out the barges like HM's mum was when she played the washboard in the underground during the Blitz? - No, I say, and what of the Test match at Lords?' They played on that's what, did we get to see it on TV, by buggery smarted with Murdoch's grease up a global flagpole did we! Sometimes, my swimming reporter friend, cf is an arse, and will always be hopelessly a fool, but his conventions are a spirit to the nation, and that is...(Story continues on pages 12, 13, 7, 6, 5 and the scented of pine middle pages; page 2, & 26)

‘What shall we do now?' Asks a timid Narrator-wannabe voice from behind the washing machine.

Roll to cf's ‘Self made Man - Part I' in which the Narrator made his first appearance. - If incredibly un-dis-interested in that go straight to the quiz...

Right ho...

"No, by God, No, for the love of God, they've had enough, roll straight to the quiz." - Came a strained voice from the River Severe direction...

And so...

1. Where is the source of the Mekong River?

2. Which soap was originally going to be called ‘One Way Street'?

3. In which country is the city of El Paso?

4. If A is Alpha and B is Bravo what is H?

5. The airline Augusta Airways is based in which country?

6. Cynophobia is the fear of what?

7. Which continent is wider in the south than the north?

8. Name the three American states whose names begin and end with the letter A

Answers to last week's quiz, as usual, in the *Comps & results page.

The WHO AM I? is still up for grabs, so here's clue No.2, "The son of a US naval officer, it was thought I might be an Olympic swimmer!"

Is it one of us?

But now let's hear it for cfn's sponsors this week:

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Every Sunday get as much Sangria and paella down your gullet for only 195,000vnd - in every currency that's a steal - don't make me come and find you - I found myself once...it was scary!

GTM: Garden & Leisure furniture built and shipped to your requirements. gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn - You design, they design, it's all a good show. Give them a call.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: July's meat tray is out now - I want those kidneys dude.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - you'll love it. I do.

Al Frescos: Double your pizzas but only pay for one - every Tuesday - just nuts! Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

Just a thought; has anyone bought that pool table from the *classifieds yet?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

But now, what's on in cfn this week: *Digger and *Trigger are rounding up round 25 and punt 15 in the AFL and the Down Under gee gee's, whilst *Tit-bits have a word or two on the bliss of marriage.

If you haven't hooked onto *Fishman yet then give him a reel - and the *Bongo Massive Bro's are coming into their own...soon.

cf got a message Mr. Meaner last week suggesting that now is the time to rally against the Narrator. cf is expected to decide this week.

Mr.Meaner goes to war

But now it's time for Carpetwasp!:

‘Tight as a tourniquet....loud as funeral drum'

It's becoming more and more inseparable...isn't it - and I'm not talking Welsh! I'm talking the measures between, what is deemed the big 5 - the ones who can take home the Webb Ellis.

The All Blacks came through again last weekend, as they always do in the end, that's not a fluke. It's all well and good making inroads, holding the lead, perhaps even having a higher percentage of the better play, but when a team keeps winning and especially closing the deal in the last quarter, well, they've got to be good eh? - But the chasing pack are most definitely closing in!

26-12 the All Black's beat the much improved and growingly consistent Wallabies to snag the Bledisloe and yet another Tri-Nations, but as Mortlock suggested in the one try (AB's - Tony Woodcock) game it could have gone either way, especially after his own, sceptically high tackle, on Howlett, which gave the Blacks a pot at goal; "In big games little things can have big repercussions. The decision was made at the time and they seemed to get a leg up from it. When you are playing a team as good as the All Blacks you can't give them a leg up." - Exactly, why would you want to give them a leg up?

Henry, who hasn't lost at home yet, realised the teams were divided in the set pieces with the Wallabies snagging the lineouts and the Blacks the scrums, but was otherwise pleased, "We got better as the game went on. It was a very tough first half in difficult conditions. The scrum was good and the ability around the ruck was good." - It's always good to have a good ruck - takes the edge off.

The rucks were also an area where the AB's backs coach praised gel head Carter, "He's a tough character, a good country boy, he can handle it. His game is getting better and better." - I wonder where he'll go after the World Cup?

Carter's not a bad lad, you can't take that away, but it was Mortlock who was keen to give his old mucker, and probably still the best fullback in the business Chris Latham the pat on the back he deserves; "I thought it was great to see Latho back and in particular he did a couple of his Lath-esque jinking runs and unleashed his magnificent left hoof as well." - Yeah, we like CL in cf land.

So, as we head now into World Cup territory Knuckles remarked on the possible outcomes of glory or bust in light of their recent and decent performances - remember, that's one-piece between the AB's & W's this year; "I don't think it has a great bearing at all." - He said. And well said it was too.

One thing that might have a bearing is the new Wallaby collar, which apparently is harder to grip, but nonetheless was the first Wallaby shirt to rip since 1976. Obviously not that hard to grip or it wouldn't have come off in the All Black's hands.

So let's move on; the Wallaby's have named their 30 for France with Mortlock at captain and four-time to be WC campaigner, Gregan, with Waugh, as vice-captain(s). But that doesn't bother George none, nor does all the who-ha of his retirement and the kafuffle that comes with it, as he flouts with the nonchalance of a very bald man, "It's almost getting a bit monotonous this year, everything's the last. I'm just a bit different. I'm not emotionally attached to those kind of things." - Nor his hair!

The Wallaby's go into this year's World Cup with 14 players who have been in previous World Cups, 13 of them in 2003's - that's quite a lot eh, but who was the one not in 2003 but in 1999?

The All Black's have also named 29 of their 30 and ex hero Zinzan Brooke is just baffled as to why Rueben Thorne is there at all; "I can't work out why he (Flavell) has been left out and Rueben Thorne has been included. Thorne is not going to be in the starting line up and he's not an impact player, so I find that a bit strange." - Not the only one Zin...can we call him that?

But then ‘Zin' as we now like to call him, also thought Tana Umaga would be coming out of retirement and fill the iffy No.13 spot. - Bless him eh, a few knocks, he's getting old, probably had a couple of sherries in the All Blacks members bar, next he'll be campaigning for someone like...

Fiji, as stated last week have their 30, but still no captain! - And Rupeni Caucaunibuca is still banned because of the weed.

In the England camp, Tindall is doubtful to make up fitness time after recovering from his broken leg and Farrell is struggling to impress, whilst Dally is pencilled in, in a very heavy 4b. Martin Johnson reckons Tom Rees will get the No.7 slot and says, he is a ‘genuine openside flanker' and that, ‘he can be a real world class No.7.' - Watch this space.

Ryan Jones is out of the Welsh squad after his injured shoulder in training isn't getting any better. And get this; the Boks are going to approach Sir Clive Woodward to be a consultant for their World Cup campaign this week - Eddie Jones is already there!

Ok, lastly Nathan Sharpe won the John Eales medal in Aus, and their (Aus) bonus scheme for the World Cup has just been released: to get to the semi's is 26,000 per man, to win the semi's 42,250 and to win 84,750 per man (Aussie dollars)

And now some results:

Asia Cup: Cambodia 26-16 Laos

Indonesia 28-15 Brunei - Indonesia won the Asian Cup

NSW argh Shute Shield: Plate Preliminary final: good old Gordon 38-26 Parradoesn'tmatter.

And now let's don a slice of cricket:

And what a result - a super, smashing Test match that had us pinned to the gramophone and there wasn't even a result!

England needed one wicket with a couple of hours to spare as the night sky crept in. Vaughan and Panesar spun their casuals as not to offend neither the Indians or the lads in the middle - Taufel (No meat) and Bucknor (Actor), who eventually decreed enough was enough and called the game to a halt and ultimately a draw.

wake me up when we've drawn

But the rookie England Test quicks had a lot to cheer about; Sidebottom swung, Tremlett bounced, Monty's spin was comfortable all Test and Anderson came into his own swinging both ways, which could be misconstrued...but surely not in cricket!

Cynics could suggest that only 29 pre-lunch overs was England's un-doing, but Vaughan wasn't, naturally, going down that road, nor either was he miffed that the Indians didn't stand and bat; "There are no complaints from me - If I had been the batting team, I'd have been saying, ‘Let's get off here.' It was pretty dark out there." - Which is a bit surreal really, when you could be having a pint and smoke outdoors at 10pm in these parts this time of year and sun is still shining!

Rahul Dravid, who has nothing to do with Spanish footballers also wasn't complaining, naturally; "We got out of jail, we were saved by the weather. I've no complaints about the umpiring. It depends which side you were on. The batsmen wanted to come in but the fielders wanted to stay out there." - And so they did, as far as we are aware they are still there!

Michael Vaughan was cock-a-hoop with his bowlers and said so, "For Tremlett to bowl the way he did on his debut and for Anderson to show skill, control and pace on his return to the team was exceptional. Ryan Sidebottom again bowled very well and we had the attacking of Monty. The four of them produced a real performance." - On the drums was...

But let's not get carried away, Moores isn't, "We're not getting carried away (He said) and we know it's only one game. We know we must see how things go over time." - Very coy Peter, like it.

KP on the other hand was chuffed to bits with his own performance of 134 and his 9^th Test century, plus also for the Monty fella. He said, "That was right out of the top drawer. I rate it (His own innings) as No.1 because the conditions were as testing as I've had in international or County cricket." - Well it would've been wouldn't it, I mean whilst the whole of the rest of England was sinking at the time.

Monty, as you remember got his first test wicket against Sachin, he wanked for a week over that, well, he did it again last week and KP said of him, "It was great when he dismissed Tendulkar. Sachin is his big man, the man he looks up to." - Meanwhile Monty said it was he best and most unique dancing celebration he has performed to date, but was unavailable for further comment as he is at home wanking!

Next Test starts tomorrow at Trent Bridge (On it more likely!) and Stresco will not be there, nor will he be at the Twenty20 World Cup in South Africa in September or the winter tours of Sri Lanka or New Zealand.

Apparently the Pakistani cab driver is still troubling him, but as he says he is still adamant to don the Three Lions once more, "I do believe I will play for England again. If there comes a time when I realise it aint gonna happen then I will tell the selectors."

Meanwhile England's management have stressed to Stresco that he will not be considered for England until he considers himself fit to tour, which at this rate will be the Indian and Pakistan winter tour of 2008!

Life is hard and so am I!

Other sports:

Guess what? Another wrestler under 50 has died this week. George Gaiazo who was considered one of the best tag teamers in the world used to ‘wrestle' in the ECW as opposed to the WWE - And, he'd have to be one of the best tag teamers in the world wouldn't he!

Casey Stoner won again, this time in California in the MotoGp, sorry, I have no more news on that, but in other biking stuff the Tour de France's chemists race has seen leader Michael Rassmusen and his team Robobank, Christian Moreni and team Cofidis and Alexador Vinokourov with team Astang all gone to pot this week or at least some substance which is banned - argh the sport with an image...fill this space at will.

no flying pigs in the T de F

But as promised let's give you some more historical facts on this most druggie of sports; The best death from the race came in 1967 by Brit Tom Simpson. It was at a time when amphetamines and brandy were the practise and to top it off very little drinking water was considered the way to win the race. He died of a heart attack and his last words were, "Put me back on my bike...go on, go on."

In F1 Hamilton had a comedy of errors day at the Nuremburg, sorry Nurburgong, sorry European F1 GP last weekend in Germany and left team mate Alonso to win it. Alonso then had a bust up with Felipe Doesn'tMassa about some crazy overtaking manoeuvres in the last four laps and afterwards took to swearing at Massa in Italian to which Massa replied, "Just fuck off. You have got to learn to drive fucking properly."

but I'll try harder next time dad

Ok, dong...World News:

HP and his Deathly Hallows went for 15million in one day - 100,000 bloody copies were sold in the first two hours! Meanwhile bookies William Hill have slashed odds on an 8^th book from 8/1 to 6/1. Meanwhile x2 actor Daniel Radcliffe who plays HP turned 18 last Monday and picked up his £20m which has been held in a trust fund by his parents and immediately went out and got shit-faced, so what are the odds on him living to make the sixth film?

HP's 18th

Meanwhile x3, six times world speed reading champ Anne Jones, who notches up around 4244 words per minute skipped through the 759 page book in 47min 1s, and said, "Without being too critical, the plot does seem to be a bit complicated - but I wouldn't change a word." - 4244 words a minute!!! - Is that true, can folk really do that? It has to be rubbish...doesn't it? ‘The plot was a bit complicated...' Of course it was - a string of blurry black blotchy print is always going to be a bit complicated... Not having it. Move on.

not having this either

The Simpsons film comes out this weekend - yahoo. And Matt Groening, its daddy is 53, not only that, he's the richest cartoonist in the whole widest worldest. Not bad for someone whose father told him, "You're drawing skills aren't that great, you will never make a living with your cartoons." - £1b of merchandise is sold globally every year!

these get a mention

I'll not bother you with how the family's names are his own real family's names but just let you know that he hopes the show will go on for another 20 years, as he states, "I just hope that after we are long gone the characters are treated with the disrespect they deserve." - Is that a statement?

that's a statement!

Men; stockings are on their way out. In 2002 5 million pairs were sold compared to last years paltry 3m. This just won't do.

circa 1940's German

Ever thought something's were just too spooky? Trawlerman Barry Hunter was out, erm, trawling for prawns last week when he, erm, trawled up a skull. It turned out to be his old colleague's skull Brian Allison 27, who sadly lost his life on the job three years ago. Along with Brian who lost his life that day was his step brother Robert Tample who was 34 - The day the skull was found would have been Robert's 37^th birthday. - Weird...? No? Ok then.

weird?

The smoking ban in Britain has produced something called ‘smirting', which is a mixture between smoking and flirting. Apparently it's a real ice breaker whilst hanging outside a pub as you are spat on and frowned at like a leper.

One bloke said, "It's perfect for blokes because you can chat up girls you fancy without having to make a really obvious move or embarrass yourself with a corny chat up line." - ‘Come here often?' Is still as corny as it is ugly for the non-smoking wannabe who has just taken up smirting', as he's got smoke coming out of every orifice of his head and blood shot eyes with the look of an almighty brewing blurted cough coupled with spit and smoke etched churn about to be delivered straight into her face, as the most embarrassing episode in his life he says, ‘Come here often?'...!

come here often?

An off duty German cop on holiday in Britain, well you'd hope he was off duty, left the pub at midnight, sober...now hang on, off duty...pub...midnight...German...sober!!! Anyway, he left the pub and drove straight into a canal...do I have to say anything? Josef Lene 38 (The said sober German cop) said afterwards, "I am very embarrassed. I saw the muddy water and thought it was tarmac. I am very grateful to the people who helped me out." - I think the narrator had a hand in that, where do you think he got the suitcase?

A dating agency in Peterborough Cambridgeshire has asked for Polish girls with big boobs to join, as it seems to be the local men's choice.

Polosh Jock

World gurning champ of 2004 & 2005 has just celebrated 61 years of marriage at 81 years old - bless her. Kath Taylor said, "Its fun to pull ugly faces, but you can get tired of frightening children in the street." - Never!

enough to scare anyone

Most chimps bred in captivity live to around 50. Blacky, who lives in Gossan Zoo in Switzerland, is about to become a mum aged 49! - I'm not sure what to say about that one...congratulations...I hope you get what you want...???

this is what I dreamt for

At least 2million Brits are related to convicts sent to Australia in the 18^th & 19^th centuries - statistics from the last century are still being collated.

Ok, Bill Young is, sorry was 107 and was one of six bally heroes left from WWI (From Britain). Bill was a wireless operator who served in the trenches for the Royal Flying Corps. He was also captured in WWII by the Japs. His son Alan 71 said, "He was a quiet sort of person. I hardly knew anything about what happened to him during the war and later with the Japanese." - There, truly is a dying breed. - Meanwhile, of the five left, three live in Britain and two in Australia. Harry Patchet 109 is one of those living in the UK and is a columnist for lad's mag FHM (UK). He is part of a team of three other over 100 year old's who are the mag's agony uncles. - I'm sure he'd tell the spotty, lay about youngsters today a thing or two...especially how the fuzzy wuzzies don't like it up ‘em!

Bill

Boffs in Norway want idiots, sorry that should read volunteers to be stung by jelly fish to test their new anti being stung by a jelly fish sun-cream. - Yeah, sign me up, and hang on, didn't Steve Irwin do that with the sun-cream that guaranteed to be tough on harmful rays?

Ok lastly garage staff are still baffled as to the mystery woman who drives her Ferrari naked, yes naked, bar stilettos, to their garage in Doemitz Germany to buy cigarettes. - Where does she put her change?

how do you travel?

Keep high and dry...or just high.

Just cf it

cf