Crazy Fool's Newsround - 20th - 26th August 2010 volume 394

20th - 26th August 2010 volume 394
August, 25th 2010 21:47 PM

“Make sure that you’re receiving the signals that they send

‘Cause brother you’ve only got two hands to lend”

(Stranglers)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 26.8.10

For 19^th Regiment Royal Artillery

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Fly me to the moon

News that 33 miners trapped in a gold and copper mine in Chile, alive and well after 17 days, has been greeted with ecstatic relief.

Rescue workers sent a pole down (cheaper than Chin-Chileans) 700m and brought back a note saying, ‘Don’t cancel the milk’.

Their whereabouts in the San Jose facility broke years of searching by Dion Warwick and was met with jubilation from the Prime Minister Sebastian Pinera as he read out their demands, ‘We’re not coming out till we get the reward from EMI Records; Oh, and some cold beer, peaches and toothbrushes please!’

With news of their safety the whole of Santiago erupted, which added fuel to an already disastrous situation. However, the flames were soon dampened upon news that the gold was actually depleting, but sleeping policemen were on the rise.

Consequently hastily revised calculations for their rescue were estimated to take anything up to four months.

The news was sent down by mule

A side tunnel will be bored as the main escape shaft with two smaller holes acting as ‘umbilical cords’ supplying, glucose, food and water.

Liquid yoghurt full of nutrients used by astronauts will be the main source of their diet as experts tell us their living conditions are similar to that of space.

Low-cost Kulula Airlines from South Africa have already offered a deal to fly the miners there, as their plight has reached all corners of the world, and space is running out.

See more from Kulula in the tit-bits category

Audio equipment will be sent down for karaoke nights featuring Shakira and a radio to help them keep them in touch with other hostage situations around the world.

“On my honour, we will get you out of there”, came Mr. Pinera’s message of hope to the nation, followed by, “Oh yeah, my lips don’t lie…Oh baby when you dance like that…”

Last year in China three minors survived 25 days trapped underground in a half flooded shaft. They also refused to be rescued until living conditions in their council flat improved.

The San Jose lawsuit with Dion Warwick and EMI Records continues…

Meanwhile, back in China, on the Beijing- Tibet Express, a traffic jam 62 miles long, and into its 10^th day, looks nowhere near abating. Residents nearby are selling over priced food to the starving truckers, but it’s predicted to be up to a month before traffic begins to free flow freely again. – Another crisis bringing the nation together.

Don’t slip up

The revelation of new evidence that Hitler was a black Jew from northern Africa has sent ripples of balderdash throughout the entire conventional world, bar those that living in holes or who are in a jam.

Journalist Jean-Paul Mulders has unleashed his ‘Y-Files’ in a Belgium magazine called Kack.

With help from historian Marc Verneeran they took DNA from a serviette used by Hitler which had been preserved by his great-nephew Alexander Stuart-Houston, 61, who now lives in USA.

Combing through the DNA of 39 other distant relatives in Austria the pair came up with an ‘irrefutable’ match of the strand Haplopgroup E1b1b (Y-DNA).

Mr. Mulder said this strain is not of German or western European decent, but, “It is more commonly found in the Berbers of Morocco, in Algeria, Libya and Tunisia, as well as among Ashkenazi and Sephardic Jews.”

Now, unless those Chileans have got into some kind of cahoots with the Mayans and somehow altered the earth’s calendar then we are seven months ahead of ourselves.

..It’s where dreams are made of…

What could be quite literally the cheesiest piece of furniture in your house is the new ‘Indecent Bed’.

£50,000 buys you a high glossed solid oak bed with a headboard containing a hand stitched picture of, you, the occupants, making love.

The LA based company, Gallery of Wonderful, will fly you to Toy town to have your photos taken by a camp photographer to the stars, then the company will spend three months stitching you up.

25 ‘love beds’ have already been made, and Selfridges in London are endorsing them. A spokesman said, “If an Englishman has his castle, then an English woman’s home is surely her bed. They are a once in a lifetime statement of love.”

InDecent Beds – where dreams come true!

If you haven’t got the £50k then why not opt for the £9k version, which substitutes the Missus with a stunning blonde model. I’d like to get an interactive one, so I could choose anyone at random – could definitely get yourself in trouble with that idea – the mind googles!

That’s enough for now, let’s have a song:

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Banned by Alicia Keys’ record company, this Welsh act have been drafted to Chile to help with the mining negotiations.

Take it away Newport: (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said:

Batman: I just read yesterday that Robert Plant has put together a new band called Band of Joy – that’s the name of one of his original bands in the 60s that played around the Kidderminster area. Apparently they’ve been playing a few gigs in the States and there’s an album out soon.

And in other news…..a DVD of The Avengers’ fifth series, circa 1966, is due for release next month.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: SWAMP DONKEY– A deeply unattractive woman.

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve, Geezer Butler, Albert Austin (silent film star), Roland Gift,

Famous Brummies – it’s Jasper Carrott.

Others are: Julie Walters (actually Smethwick); Bill Oddie; J R Tolkein; Edward Burne-Jones; Simon Le Bon (and the rest of Duran Duran); Tony Iommi (and the rest of Sabbath); Justin Hayward (and the rest of the Moody Blues); Roy Wood (and the rest of The Move, ELO, etc.); Steve Gibbons; UB40, Toyah Wilcox.

Check out www.birminghamitsnotshit.co.uk

Obscure

Animal news

*A British man has set the world record for being locked in a room with 40 poisonous snakes for 114 days; and he is still going strong.

David Jones is cooped up in a 5m x 4m room in the Chameleon Village Reptile Conservation Park in Johannesburg with 2 black mambas, 2 Green mambas, 3 cobras, 7 Bloomsangs and 27 Puff Adders.

The carpenter from Sussex said, “I’m dying for a proper drink.” – Geezer award – see the Geezer awards in the ‘Letters’ section in the category ‘fool’s rant and some’ by direct link at the bottom of this page.

*A Catholic priest has been shot dead by a hunter who thought he was a wild boar. Father Francesco Cassal 55 was asleep in his sleeping bag on a retreat with 20 kids in Altamura, southern Italy

In their hide-away the group fated, played the tambourine and had discussions followed by a light BBQ.

A child said he heard what he thought were gunshots followed a car speeding off, but thought nothing of it and went back to sleep.

Giovanni Ardino 57 handed himself over to police with a lawyer the next day.

*Bret Kandra 24 was mauled to death by his favourite bear at his work in World Animal Studios, Cleveland Ohio. His boss, Sam Mazzola said he died doing a job he loved. And defended his park saying, “If we get injured it’s no different than an airline pilot getting injured.” – There goes the miner’s flight to the Big Cheese.

*A 400lb bull cut loose in a Spanish bull ring in Tafalla, Vavarra injured 40 people as it charged through the crowd. Security lassoed the bull then shot it and carried it away by crane – ‘…otters noses, chaffinch earlobes, wolf nipple chips, get ‘em while they’re hot, they’re lovely…’

Meanwhile in Bilbao a naked protest against bull fights took place where participants painted themselves black and red and lay in form of a speared bull. In fact they weren’t naked, because they kept their pants on, and what’s the point when bull fighting has been banned in the Catalan region anyway!

*Police are on the hunt for a 14ft crocodile on the loose in the English Channel. It was last seen on the coast of Bologne…sorry, that was a log!

*A Koala bear survived being hit by a car at 50mph in Portland Australia and got stuck in the car’s grill. The driver drove it 15km’s, still wedged in the front of the car, where vets unleashed it unharmed.

No doubt he’ll get a few calyptus leaves for that; as dope is to koala’s what psycadelic drugs are to humans – a source of treatment for depression.

Swiss boffs have agreed that small quantities of LSD, ketamine and magic mushrooms are an effective alternative remedy. Franz Wollenweider wrote in the Nature Neuroscience Journal, “Pscyadelics can give patients a new perspective – particularly when things like suppressed memories come up, then they can work with that experience.” – ‘Like dude, I was driving along when this 18ft Koala just came out of nowhere…’

Number crunching

*Woman’s fury? No.1: Men leaving the toilet seat up. 54% hate it according to 24studio.co.uk

23% also hate wet towels on the bed. 15% aren’t into laundry on the bed; snoring, not replacing toilet rolls and never asking for directions are their other gripes.

You can get a Lav Nav now which lights green in the dark when the seat is down or red if up, or just ignore it and piss all over it.

*Leicester are the UK’s biggest pie eaters with an average of £15.50 spent on them, per person per year. Tesco sells 25billion in a £235m market. The average minced beef and onion is 58p whilst the top of the range premium steak goes for a fiver. Still the best pie I’ve ever eaten was on Air New Zealand.

*The world’s biggest Cornish pastie weighed in at 1900lb’s (850kg), with 346lb of beef skirt. It also contains 180lb of swede, 100lb potatoes, 75lb onion, 1000lb flour and 500lb butter – I’d like to see them get that down a Chilean mine!

*The new speed text record set on a Samsung Galaxy S smart phone is, um, oh, hang on, I don’t know, about 25.5 seconds I think. Never mind, if you can write this faster then, well, you’re just great; ‘The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmas and Pygocentras are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom eat a human.’

You’re not just fat, you’re ugly too!

Never mind, you can now join the world’s first ugly dating site – uglybugball.co.uk was set up by London entrepreneur Howard Jones, who said, “It’s for people who have fallen from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

“Just because they don’t look like Kate Moss or Cheryl Cole, doesn’t mean they don’t have a lot of love to give and we’re scooping up these people and offering them a glimour of hope – in many cases their first and only opportunity of meeting a member of the opposite sex.”

Uplifting, helpful and full of promise – join now

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz