Crazy Fool's Newsround - 20-26th Oct '06' v.209

20-26th Oct '06' v.209
October, 26th 2006 23:32 PM

‘There can be no excuses God damn it. The world will not sit by and pick its fabricated arse, whilst you ponder on a cover-up, evasion or escape. There is no reason and justification why in the wide, wide see through world of your existence you will need to find a substitute as for your inability to achieve the only goal in your travestic and pitiful example of peanut headed head - why in the insane notion have you not tried. You understand me boy?'

There is no excuse

‘Err...no. But in my defence I've got no excuse for not coming up with something for before the quiz this week except I can't seem to get, ‘stop your sobbing' by the Pretenders out of my head, and I can't think why I didn't use it - was that an excuse?'

The quiz:

1. Which ‘fictional' rock band became real in the 90's?

2. At the age of 20, who became England's youngest Rugby League captain in 1996?

3. In which city was the world's first public opera house?

4. According to Samuel Johnson, if claret is the drink for boys and port the drink for men, who should drink brandy?

5. Where is the House of the Rising Sun?

6. In which country was Leon Trotsky murdered?

7. Where are Europe's only wild monkeys?

8. What are the Devil's playthings?

It's sad isn't it? When you see yourself pandering to Tommy's answers...This week, his last week's answers will be up, I promise. On http://www.cfnr.co.uk/

In the meantime try again at WHO AM I? ‘I'm the skipper who's got the catch of the day!'

Is it me?

So without further ado, the mighty *Digger-aroo has some more reviews for you in *Digger's column. Plus *Trigger has been right on the trigger or button or even nose, which ever way you like it. The man's rolling in those lucky tips. And he telegrammed the cf HQ the other day to say the bank is looking very healthy - see his column for more details. *Tit-bits, *Archives, *Tommy's quiz and more from those long awaited *Bongo Massif Bro's are all in the http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ Also coming soon the, Ashes talk, and Oi, is *Jimmy the Fish ready yet?

With no holding back, here's this week's rugby jarg: As predicted last week the English Clubs were battered in the opening rounds of the Heineken Cup. In fact it was O'Gara who meddled the banter and so he should've. He slotted a late kick, deep in his half to give Munster a 21-19 win over Leicester. Forget the so called hype of the English players, the hype comes from the press, and Ronan eventually had to apologise! He said, "If I offended people I apologise. It was not my intention at all." - I'm sure Ronan. Just how many tongues can you get in your cheek?

Sale lost to Ospreys 17-16 with, also a 9^th injury minute kick. Llanelli beat the Irish 32-25 and Wasps...no hang on, Wasps won. This week Leicester go to Cardiff. And very nice it is there too.

England has trimmed its squad to 30 for their clash with the All Blacks on Bonfire night. In come 7, young and uncapped blood-sters, and still out are many with injuries. The final 22 will be announced next week, so let's not get too involved. I'll hand you over to what Robbo had to say, "It includes a good mix of experience and also gives an opportunity for some of the new-comers to the elite squad to further their claims for a starting place at some point during the four Tests in November."

Yes, very interesting Robbo! - But before I get stuck into him and Graham Henry for that matter, let me just ask why the frig isn't Simon Shaw in the squad? He was clearly the Lions best forward, then got no England games. He's getting rave reviews in the Club leagues and still is snubbed - smell of sexual affairs? cf wonders.

Meanwhile that other twit Graham Henry has been brandishing the war of words stick again, calling the English ‘arrogant' and ‘conservative'. Here's what he said, "They're (England) a big side who play very conservative rugby and try to live off your mistakes and kick the goals. So we know what we're going up against." - There's plenty ‘o ammo there.

Anyway the two idiot managers of International rugby, apart from Laporte of course, are Robbo and Henry. Take themselves too seriously and have both got weird eyebrows.

Other news is that Stephen Jones is the new captain for Wales, Umaga plays his first game for 2^nd Division French side, Toulon this Sunday and John Kirwin will be the new coach of Japan. - Gotta love the nips!

GB take on the Kiwi's in Christchurch on Saturday in the Tri Nations Rugby league and GB skipper Stuart Fielden said, "You've got to be aware you're going to get smashed, and at the same time you're going to smash people." - Should be an interesting one.

Vickery & Fielden are going to have a fight soon!

Ok in cricket England are officially the worst side in the ICC Trophy Championship without winning a game so far. Freddie said, "We've never really got started in this tournament, have we?" - Do you reckon he takes himself too seriously?

He went on to not talk about the Ashes! "The Ashes have not been a distraction to the team. I think people have tried to make it a distraction because almost every question at the press conferences seems to be about the Ashes." - Well it is only 28 days away mate!

England's ODI team has been pretty dire of late there's no denying but the likes of either the Saj or Anderson could prove a handful at the Gabba come next month. The Saj says, "I can fit the Simon Jones role. He did a pretty good job last year against the Aussies, and if I get the chance I'll be pretty happy. There's obviously a lot of competition with Liam and Jimmy." - be careful Saj, Jones is a God.

McGrath, as usual, has been wielding a pretty damning over arm by insisting Monty is ‘soft', and is sticking to his 5-0 whitewash. While Aussie Gods Ian Chappell, Jeff Thompson and Geoff Lawson have got their own concerns for him (McGrath). There's a lot of folk not performing right now, for one reason or the other, and as Glenn said, "I'm on track for the Ashes. I'm improving every game and every spell. People have got to remember it is not easy for a fast bowler in India." - Ugh, tut tut, no excuses - but tell that to Harmy too would ya!

Monty gets, and will, believe me, get a lot more press, but have we forgotten Ashley's job he did last year, and he's ready now again. He's 95% fit and keen for a game. I'll leave you with his spirit of cricket, "I think I could play a game tomorrow. If both our spinners fell down dead - well, not dead - if they had something dodgy to eat, I imagine I could play." - That's the spirit Ash.

Moving on and Aussie giants Multiplex are ‘virtually certain' that the ₤800m and 90,000 seater stadium, Wembley, will be holding next years F.A. Cup. William Hill are offering 1/7 at Wembley and 4/1 to be held elsewhere. Trigger, got any better odds than that?

One last bulb to go at Wembley

Ok, George Michael's on TV later this month smoking a joint! On a docufilm show he's backstage at a Madrid concert tugging away at the green, which he says, "This stuff keeps me sane." In a revealing interview he tells Melvyn Brag that nothing else is worth taking, "Alcohol for instance - if I drank as much as I smoked, my God, I'd be just like Keith Richards."

Daniel Craig is apparently the best Bond since Connery. In Casino Royale (with cheese) - Ian Flemming's first Bond novel. There is no slapstick invisible cars, no Q, no Miss Moneypenny, but I'm sure there'll still be Pussy Galore.

The new Bond

The world's oldest bee, just 3mm wide and 100m years old has been found by scientists in a cave in Burma!

birds and the bees

Another miniscule thing is a nanoactuator, which are potentially the first steps to a bionic man. It's thinner than hair and is built from DNA which emits electrocule pulses picked up by a computer. Top Doc in charge Dr Firaman said, "The nanactuator we have developed can be used as a communicator between biological a silicon worlds." - It may still be 20-30 years away but Steve Austin was surely cheaper.

We said nanoactuator

At this point I'd just like to take in account many of cf's women readers who are a tad dismayed at the copious amount of pert women in pics and not enough men - one for the ladies!

Brits aren't bonking enough. With only 73% of men having 1 partner in the last year and 12% more than 1. And in women 81 and 7%. 20 year olds are on 38 and 36%. Dr Petra Boynton of the University College London said, "Sex is over hyped in our culture and because we have so much of a sexualised culture the media covers sex a lot in terms of music and sex as a lifestyle. People think they should be having sex more." - And so they should.

This why

Sir Paul's and Lady Mucca's divorce is getting ugly. Heather Mills' lawyers said there were some, ‘false, damaging and seriously upsetting statements.' This was in referral to Heather saying she had to crawl on the floor when her prosthetic leg was removed. Friends on Paul's side said she was at the same party when she was supposedly crawling around, but said it a little differently, "She was hopping around like a fucking gazelle, and I'm prepared to sue if it becomes necessary." - Heather, take the money and run.

run Heather

British Doctors are the first in the world being given the permission to perform a full face transplant. Consultant surgeon Mr Bothe said, ‘One of the questions often asked is, ‘if I donate the face of my loved one am I going to see him walking down the street?" - God bless the public eh!

before and after

Ok lastly, an advert for an English beer called Bishops Finger is causing a stir at home. It's in the English Time Out rag and consists of a women dressed in medieval costume sitting provocatively on a bale of hay, and she says, "I love a good session on the Bishops Finger."