Crazy Fool's Newsround - 1st - 8th May 08 volume 281

1st - 8th May 08 volume 281
May, 08th 2008 06:45 AM

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: King Arthur, aka the ‘Bear’, is a legendary light sleeper and has just risen from his nights slumber. Guinevere greets him at breakfast in their two up two down detached in Camelot. fool, his servant, is pouring the milk over his Rice Krispies.

Guinevere: Sleep well dear?

Arthur: (Gruff) just got the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forgot about my worries and my pride…

fool: yeah yeah

Narrator: I’m gonna punch you so hard – roll the quiz:

1. Of What stock was King Arthur said to have descended?

2. How much did the wedding ring of the Owl and the Pussycat cost?

3. Which country was the first to retain the football World Cup?

4. What do Mexicans make from Agave cactus?

5. How many edges does a cube have?

6. What is heraldic black called?

7. Which Cluedo weapons begin with the same letter?

8. How many keys are there on a standard piano? A) 102 B) 96 C) 88

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com if you think you know the answers. (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? The Dracule fella couldn’t believe his luck when he buzzed in with what he deemed a sitter then realised he didn’t have any, luck that is, as Quizmaster had emailed the correct answer 14 hours earlier! – Oh the pathos of it all. Here’s that clue again to the first Big Give-away in the Big Comp; clue No.1: “I was born in 1948 in Aston, Birmingham, UK and in 1979 my band ditched me for being too unreliable due to excessive drug use.” – You need telling? Ozzy Osbourne, of course. Onto this week’s clue No.1, “Wales is my home but words are my love.”

is it me?

Big prizes to be won in the next couple of weeks – check the *comps and results page for all the details.

Scores at the end of week 17 in the 2008 series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in, and the Big Comp tally in sub, sub brackets, just to confuse ya.

For the dyslexic; xfttyrfgh……..

Dracule: 10 (1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 6 (1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 2 (1) (1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: hello little lady!

Quote for the week:

I don’t know why I had to learn algebra – it’s hardly likely I’ll ever go there.

Billy Connolly

*Non-descript trivia moment*

Some Tongue twisters:

Eleven benevolent elephants . Preshrunk silk-shirt sale . Three short sword sheaths . An Argyle Gargoyle . Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gabbling goblins . I wish to wash my Irish wristwatch . Lovely lemon liniment

fool's Gold

A can of spam is opened every four seconds

If you add half a glass of lemonade to a vase of flowers, the bubbles prolong the flowers by up to a week

A chameleon’s tongue is twice the length of its body

Dr. Phil O'logy: our Wordman's word of the week:

HIRCISMUS,
Definition: Offensive armpit odour.
Hircismus comes from the root word hircus which means goat in Latin. Someone must have thought smelly pits smelled like goats. Actually, this word combines two sources of great insult potential: smelly and armpits. This word should be used in a slangified format more often; perhaps a reference to Australian rugby players could be a quite appropriate starting point.

Things that are really getting up my nose, on my goat and in my wick this week:

Forgetting what I was going to put in this section!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and wine by the bucket. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam – I think! – Some cracking live music of late folks too.

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Particularly like the new sand-pits dude.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: What’s that – got a bit of rabbit in this week…from Dr. Rabbit himself? See what else they have here:

Butchery & Delicatess

41 Nam Ky Khoi Nghia Street , District 1, Ho Chi Minh City .

(Nearby intersection of NKKN St and Nguyen Cong Tru St )

Open from 8.30am-8.00pm

Tel:+848 8216057 or 9144376

Email:info.kimhai@media.net.vn

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

*classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Don’t forget…There’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; gives us all the news on the latest AFL entanglements

*Trigger: has Dame Fortune attended your needs!

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in… at this rate probably not till Sept!

*Tit-bits – A husband and wife…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New - new* - Kim Hai Trading Co.,Ltd told the fool he’s got some bunnies in, from the Dr. Rabbit himself, so I’m-a getting me one and are gonna cook this recipe – tell me what you think of it…click on *Grup-Up page on menu on left.

Poetry Corner: Reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, Feb ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – just a little bit more…

Mr. Meaner... oops!

Now;

The rugby bit for rugby folk, et all; if you’re not keen please move on:

What did happen this week?

I’ll tell yer…

Super 14’s

The Blues beat the Reds 35-22 – and there you have the uppers and downers for everyone!

They did it in Brisbane at four tries to three, and they did it with a degree of patience and mature play, although with the Reds second half comeback it could have gone either way.

Nick Evans had a solid game at fullback and it will be hard to leave him out of the June Tests, at 10, 12 or 15 for the All Blacks. Ben Lucas also showed he’s a canny wee lad in the scrum half position, but if he’s good enough to be a Wallaby it’s yet to be seen.

The fool’s not a big fan of the ELV’s, and he’ll not get into them here, but three tries did come from solid scrummaging. However the most controversial try came when Red, Van Humphries seemed to ‘touch down’ an abandoned scrum cap in the epicentre of a crumpled melee, which the TMO awarded!

Onto the Crusaders nudging the Sharks 18-10 at the AMI Stadium, and have they played anywhere else this season!

In the rain and cold, old head Greg Somerville bustled over for a close range 17^th minute opener. And it was 25 minutes before the Sharks even got into the Kiwi 22!

As soon as they did Brett kicked into touch, didn’t make it, a scrum ensued and the Sharks’ big fella Ryan Kankowski picked from the base, handed off McCaw a beaut then ransacked through three others to score in the corner.

The game then slid into Ariel ping-pong, only to be brightened up by a sin bin for an illegal tackle from McCaw. Followed by a late Wyatt Crockett try where the prop kicked the ball a hefty distance, keeping control the whole way, which would have made Beckham proud.

Up in the Loftus Versfeld, Pretoria the Bulls tactically beat the Tahs 16-13, in a rainy set-piece dominated stodgy affair.

Wycliff Palu had another cracker for the Tah’s and shrugged off many a tackle in the middle of the paddock to set up a young Horne try. But it was the Bulls who technically wrapped this game up with a towering lineout and the continued boot to the corners from Derick Hougaard.

It went to 13 all in the late 70’s but a Morne Steyn drop goal showed the tactical difference.

The Force beat the Chiefs 22-21 in an absolute belter in Subiaco-land. A last kick slot by Matt Giteau sealed it in extra time.

Forget the first 60 minutes, firstly because I didn’t see it and secondly because the last 20 was one of the most bizarre episodes in rugby history. At 19-8 down with 17 to go the Chiefs bounced back in one of the most compelling spells of rugby ever seen.

The Force ran from the 22, broke tackles, settled for a secure ruck, when the ball just popped out of nowhere like soap on a rope straight into a Chiefs hand. They made it back to within five metres of the Force line where the same thing happened, only to a Force hand.

This continued for a lifetime in almost non-stop play, making for comedy rugby at its best, even to the point of Masaga being over the line and literally about to touch down, when, yep, you guessed, and off it went back up field again.

Donald missed a kick in front of the posts 11 metres out, but later some great interlinking between Sivivatu and Masaga and onto Donald he was able to redeem himself with a try and before you knew it, it was 19-18.

The Force weren’t about to give in, and went on the attack, picked up a penalty for offside along the way, where by incidentally they nearly scored, only for, ahem, the ball to bobble from the hand, and Matt’s history!

The Hurricanes beat the Lions 38-12 at the Westpac, in a bit of a Ripia, Jane, Nonu and young lad Zac Guildford show.

Although the Lions had their share, especially in a Juno Vermulen blindside break who then popped it onto Jannie Boshoff to score. That was probably more than a consolation try, as the scoreline didn’t fairly reflect the game.

The Highlanders out-cheated the Cheetahs 31-28 in Bloemfontein, and did it in the end with 13 players.

That was only their second win this year and you could tell. But if they were bad the Cheetahs were worse, and they obviously agreed earlier that a defence was just a waste of time.

Lastly in an equally ill-fitting match the Stormers beat the Brumbies 20-10 in Cape Town, with the Stormers securing all their points in the first 27minutes.

The next most exciting thing was a penalty try decision after Bobo was tackled early by Leallifano. Pass the mustard.

Some shorts:

The British & Irish Lions’ coach will be announced next week and hot favourite is Ian McGeechan. He’s been there six times already, four as a coach and twice a player. As a head coach he’s had three hit up’s, winning two of them. Next year he’s likely to tag along with him Shaun Edwards and Dai Young, and I shit you not, about 50,000 supporters!

13 of the 23 ELV’s are to be trialled globally for a year starting 1^st August, and there’s mixed feelings; Shaun Edwards suggests it will be a sad day for rugby, Robbie Deans, however, is right behind them, Ewen McKenzie says they have their moments but is sceptical, Bryan Habana thinks the game is turning league and Ian Mcgeechan classes them as boring – free kick after free kick, tap and go, league…what do you mean!

The Argies have a new coach in ex player Santiago Phelan 34. Scotland visit the corned-beef land for Tests on 7^th and 14^th June and big Frank Hadden was chuffed that all the players he text to come on tour replied in ten minutes saying yes – not surprising you say, but when you’ve played for 13 months straight it’s a slog.

Victor Matfiled’s packing his bags at his Pro D2 club Toulon in France and heading back to the Bulls. He cites playing for the MB’s his main goal but also is sick of the ‘On field violence’ in French rugby!

Warren Gatland’s hopes of taking a full strength Welsh squad to MB-land is diminishing fast as Martyn Williams is the latest injury, on top of Mike Philips, Henson, Lee Byrne, Dwayne Peel and Alex Popin.

Nick Evans is off to Harlequins at the end of October, after the NZ Cup, and the Southern exodus continues with Wallaby David Lyons heading to Llanelli Scarlets. Surely the Tri Nations will soon be called the Specific (Pacific) Nations soon eh!

In the Asian Five Nations Japan thumped Arabian Gulf 114-6 and HK nipped Kazakhstan, which is long for toilet, 23-17.

Lastly Austin Healy will not be the attacking backs coach for England, after a chat with his old mate Jonno, he said, “We had a family get together and I said ‘I’ll make you dinner if you give me a job.’ There was a moment of deadly silence and I knew I wasn’t getting it.”

John Smit’s; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV – : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises!

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool's thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Simpsons 1.

Other results:

Heineken Cup final: soon

Some Internationals: Japan 114-6 Arabian Gulf…/…HK 23-17 Kazakhstan

England Prem; Bath 66-21 Saracens

France Top 14: Clermont 35-28 Castres

Ireland's AIL level 1; dunno

Italy; Coppa de Italia: I dunno-a

Japan Top League: Haiiii Ya

Magners League: Leinster 41-8 Dragons

Scotland's premiership: argh nae

Super 14's: all done

Netherlands: pass de duchy pan de left hand side, e tag a bum

Spain's Div D Honour 11: no one expects the…

Principality Building Society prem: nil

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Richard Hadlee 53, says Freddie is good but not amongst the ‘greats’ in the all-rounder category, not like Beefy, Khan and Dev of the 80’s.

He pin-pointed his inadequacies in the bowling department saying he only averages about three a Test where the others were on the four or more mark.

He’s not bagging him by any means and in the build up to the England NZ Tests next week, where the returning from injury Freddie might play, he says, “Put it this way, we’d love to have him.” – Well you can’t, he’s already got the tattoo.

Ravi Bopari, Sajid Mahmood and Luke Wright are the latest non contracted English players who have said they turned down the lucrative IPL to concentrate on an England career. – Is Luke English!

Meanwhile Shoaib is allowed back in the game and is back in the IPL after his five year ban was quashed. PCB spokesman Amir Bilal says, “The PCB has always shown a flexible view to Shoaib Akhtar. We said from the outset that we have nothing personal against him. Whatever happened has been done as per rules and regulations.” – He basically called them a bunch of idiots they threw their teddy; sulked, now realised they are idiots and have swept it under a turban, as if nothing happened – banana republic.

Harmy’s threatening to give up cricket all together if he can’t get into the England side, he said, “My aim is to bowl fast, take wickets and give the selectors something the think about.” – See ya.

One person they should be thinking about is school girl Ellie Fielding 18 who is the first female appointed captain of a men’s cricket team in the 156 year history of Torquay Cricket Club. She took six wickets last week.

Lastly, the Ashes dates have been set for next year and the first Test is in Cardiff 8^th July – going?

And that’s it for this week

Till next week…

Other sports:

Zip!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Not much this week but lets go with what we’ve got:

Leroy Wilson from Basingstoke Hants UK lost 17st in seven months, by cutting out the booze, kebabs and bacon and egg sarnies. He went on a 500 calorie a day binge of cup of soups, milkshakes and nutritional bars. He said, “I used to dream about eating kebabs and wake up in a cold sweat. Now I salivate about salad sandwiches.” – That’s just weird – where’s the meat!

On the other hand Adele Outteridge 52 from Melbourne Oz dries, irons and sews thousands of tea bags together and makes books out of them – ugh – yeah that’s what I said. She sells them for up to £950 – double ugh!

Talking of tea; secret documents dated 1954-56 from top British government officials released this week spoke of the potential blight of a nation regarding its tea resources should Blighty get hit by a nuclear weapon. It read, “tea positions would be very serious with a loss of 75% stocks if the UK was hit by a nuclear bomb.” – Milk and sugar would also be affected - bread was simply out of the question. – Damn country would be on its knees. William did the same thing in 1066.

Still, a hen from a farm in St. Wenn Cornwall UK, laid an egg four inches by eight inches round, weighing 7.4oz. Farmer’s wife Julie Hewitt 31 said, “We were absolutely astonished. It’s more than twice the weight of a goose egg.” From 20,000 hen’s, farmer Hewitt collects 30,000 eggs a day. At my work a fried egg, a chunk of a baguette, one frankfurt and couple slices of toms and cucumber costs 10,000vnd. – Oh yes, it’s all here in crazy fool’s newsround!

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XXX: Or quote as this case may be. From Tony Bennett; “I think one of the reasons I’m popular again is because I wear a tie. You have to be different.” – I’m not.

A guitarist and professional backing singer is having an operation on a faulty stomach valve, as he’s had hiccups for 15 months. He says sometimes they’re every two seconds and last for up to 12 hours. He had them for two weeks non-stop in September ’06. “They might stop for a bit then I can have a kip. Sometimes if I hunch up into a ball I can hold them off for a bit, but it freaks people out.” He explained. So would having a conversation with him.

There’s a serial bottom pincher in Manchester England. He has struck 19 times in the last 12 months and operates mostly around the Tib Street area. His favourite approach is to come from behind grab a load then saunter off. He has been described as Turkish/Greek looking, 5ft 6 – 5ft 10, slim/ medium build, late 20’s to early 30’s, olive skin, short black hair and clean shaven – do you know this man, if so contact cf now on ‘Igottagetsomebetternewsitems.com

Cuban Jose Castelar is using 93 pounds of leaf in an attempt to make a 98 foot long cigar. He holds the records for 2001, 2003, and 2005, with the biggest at 20.41m or 67ft, and he’s going for his fourth Guinness World Record, despite the fact that Puerto Rican Patricio Pena has already made a 41.2 – 135ft stogie – go figure! Jose doesn’t give up though, he said, “I’m working to take it to the maximum. We’ll be back in two years with a longer one.” – Must have big thighs!

cuban

44% of people who work in the media and creative world turn up to or have turned up to work drunk. A figure remarkably low I’d say, for any job. Dr. Douglas Wright said, “It’s essential companies have a robust drug and alcohol policy.” – Why? – I’d like to discuss that with my esteemed colleagues Digger, Trigger, Dr. Phil and the Narrator on the radio show.

Melissa Russell 13 is stoked. Two years ago she threw a message in a bottle in the sea in Yarmouth UK and has just received a return postcard from a Norwegian lad. It doesn’t say what was said, but it always nice to get a letter or a postcard isn’t it. I write to my bank manager by bottle. Don’t really, I haven’t even got a bank manager, I don’t know why I said, just wanted to feel normal I suppose…

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; Universal truth: ‘You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.’

Part of a blood soaked handkerchief dipped in Charles I head after he had it lobbed off in 1649 is expected to fetch £3000 at auction in Swindon Wilts UK.

Have a go hero and martial arts expert David Turner 38 chased a burglar down the street naked. It only took 200 yards to track down Timothy Bailey 31, at 4a.m. in Mansfield UK. The judge was so impressed he gave him £500 from public funds saying, “His conduct must be commended.” Timothy got four years.

Ok lastly; a 64 year-old French Granny cut off her 39 year-old toyboy’s manhood and said the dog did it and ate it. Whilst he languishes in a psychiatric hospital in Laon Paris Police issued this statement, “He was drunk so had little idea of what happened. His partner called an ambulance, saying their dog had bitten off his genitals as they slept. This portrayed the dog in a very bad light, but forensic tests proved he could not have done it.” – Perhaps he could get some of that magic cream from last week’s read.