"By thy cruel and damning nature of the God's, what has the ugly stick done to deserve to be hit unto thee, thee of such a hideous and beyond warty-fied look, thee of the utmost grandiose of grotesqueness By gum, you'd make even E.T. devilishly handsome."  "Oh, bolt it you old hag and giss uss a snog."

The frog and the princess was read by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Young Bob - me lad.

The end of Webber

Precaution, thrown to the winds, cast to the salty pillars of Wanton Destruction - on the Sea, near Clacton, not far from Skegness, a land of bubble and toil. But, precaution, is it a tether of erudition, a baling of progression, a backstop for the insurance launderers? Our olds always told us to wear fresh grundies just in case we got run over. Jeez man, if a greasy dustbin lorry's eyeing me up at four inches on the highway to Never Never land I think there'd be a few more skids than just on the tarmac. But nonetheless we should take precautions, just look at the Yemen in 1968 where a pet monkey was tried for arson, convicted, and executed by a Police firing squad!

Don't figure?...Try these;

1. What country in the 1840's passed a law that criminals could not be arrested between the hours of sunset and sunrise?

2. An elver is a young what?

3. How many pope's have been English, one, two or three?

4. Jokers apart how many red cards are there in a standard pack?

5. Which Australian was the first to score 60 tries in rugby union, for his country?

6. Which digit is your pollex?

7. The Christian name George lends itself to which part of a plane?

8. Name the two Richards and a Roger that appeared in the film The Wild Geese.

Answers to last week's on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ Tommy did you win the 200^th? Did you enter last week's...Oi...Tommy...Ya pinball wizard ya...

Someone got last week's WHO AM I? A Ms Sarah from Scouse-land I believe. Mystery prize is on its way, but I wouldn't hold your breathe, folk are still waiting for theirs from edition 181, but that's what's more intriguing about the mystery eh?

It was of course Salvador Dali. This week's Who AM I? ‘I've been carrying this Eldorado seeker from pillar to post.'

Is it me?

What else is on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ this week? cf must give a shout to the sponsors here; In *Juice, cf had their tuna sarnie on Saturday, it was the proverbial knees. *GTM, probably the best leisure and garden furniture in the world, cf stands by it whilst quaffing a few *Fosters in the *Blue Gecko - there's a link on that. On Sunday cf went to *Vasco's for their BBQ - outstanding, just outstanding, $10 for all the ale, plonk and pucker tucker you could get down your gullet from 4-7p.m. is simply just outstanding. cf finished the long weekend with a slice of mince ‘n' mash from *Café Latin - mate, I couldn't've asked for more. And *Bootlace Walking Holidays, cf's done many of those, they're something else.

What's on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ ? Tits, knockers, boobs. Plus *Diggers deliriously accurate AFL round up, this week featuring Vietnam's very own Gecko's v Swans. *Triggers exceptionally favourable gee gee forecast. Seriously folks, if you like a punt, check out his form - the bank's in the black. *The Bongo Massif bro's on the road to recovery...Plus tonnes and tonnes of stuff more - really folks, cf's got ADSL this week!

But now rugby; and the Boks bounce back, The Blacks retreat and rugby is saved once again. It was a cracker of a game, if anything just to see the Boks return to their busting muscle and attack form.

Chef Pretorious was a main instigator and his relentless attacking style from the close quarter 5/8^th position, and his cool headed last two minute winning kick gave him and the Boks claim to a well deserved victory 21-20.

Victor Matfield was in a fiery mood again and pretty much demolished the Kiwi's lineout single handed. Black forward coach Steve Hansen said, "Lineouts in New Zealand aren't great and we've got to work together as a nation to fix it." And commenting on the Boks superior bulk said, "A good big guy is better than a good little guy." Chris Jack - little?

Arghh, the Oil Blacks' slippery road to the world cup begins!

On Saturday the ‘Is-its' defend Ellis Park, Jo'Burg against the marauding Aussies - show-time. Larkham acknowledged the Boks recent rise and said, "They were much improved and looked very impressive at stages." - They're out to get you mate, don't be too complimentary.

The Aussies have been winless in S.A. for 6 years. Their last win was in Durban 2000. They haven't won at Ellis Park since 1963! The mixture of altitude, which is usually accustomed to in the opening minutes, and the fervently passionate home ground, pride and...uhm...Bratwurst, will be tough to beat. Larkham says, "It's a mental thing." - Mental.

some more mentalists

Connolly admires the beefy Boks, and said, "The backrow the Springboks have now, without Schalk Burger-King, just shows the phenomenal depth they have."

Phil Waugh says, "It's going to be physical, it's not just going to be in the opening minutes, it's going to be the whole 80 minutes." - cf bets the bloke down the pub says it will all happen in the last twenty minutes!!! - 33-27 home win.

And now this...

In cricket and England have been nothing short of rubbish, as is their preference, in the recent ODI's against Pakistan. Although they did grab a horde of half centuries in the 3^rd at the Rose Bowl off Strauss, Darylmple and Collingwood then proceeded to lose by 2 wickets. - Good stuff.

Younis Khan snapped only his 2^nd century in 137 ODI's, the last was against Hong Kong!

Goughy's comeback was nothing to write home about - 16 overs and no wickets. He's pulled out the rest of the ODI's through injury, and as he says is, "Extremely disappointed." -  But hey, a good dancer.

He'll be very doubtful for the ICC tournament in India in October. Definitely not going is, out of form, Tresco, who returned home from there on the last trip, not due family problems as was reported, but a serious bout of Delhi Belly! He says, "I can't go back there." A close source also said, "He has developed a fear of the country." And, "He had the runs so badly he couldn't get off the toilet for hours on end." - At least someone was getting the runs!

Inzy NO! Shoaib NO. That's what Nasser Hussain's saying after Shoaib was seen to, with a hint of mickey take; tamper with the ball in the recent ODI's, adding fuel and unnecesseties to the already blazing funeral pyre that is the ‘Oval-Gate'. Nasser said, "I think he's (Shoaib) being very silly, if not stupid, to do this in the current climate." - cf agrees.

Nasser and someone discuss the situation

Boffs are now being brought in to scientifically test the ball for any evidence of tampering - fuck that, we need Quincy.

Onto the Ashes and Justin Langer's revelling and ready after the Aussies boot camp. As much as he loved it as a great personal and team development exercise he also said, "The hardest thing was being totally out of our comfort zone. Little sleep, little food, no mobile phones, no contact with family." - ‘bout time soft cricketers swapped Reilly's life for a while eh.

Warney's perked up for the pre-word-war gob-shite-athon. He said, "Since last summer we have been in fantastic form, and in my time of playing we have lost just one series at home, against the West Indies in 1992-93. We play our conditions very well, just as England did last summer, so it will be very tough for them in Australia. We're raring to go." - Tresco's probably just about ready to go again too!

Right, that's enough of that, I can't even be arsed to talk about Monty and the slating he's in for...or WEST HAM's rise to overnight monetary super power...

The good stuff: 73 year-old Raymond Wood has just received the highest honour of a 10^th Dan Black belt in Judo and Jujitsu. He said, "I feel really chuffed. I have waited 11 years since being awarded my 9^th Dan, so for this to happen is an achievement." - by crickey  it is.

Is that Raymond?

A diver who was lost at sea for 58 hours has been found alive. Matt Harvey 35 went for a solo dive in Fermain Bay, Guernsey, and didn't come back for 2 nights and 3 days and spent the time swimming against the tide. His dad said, "I don't think he would've survived a 3^rd night. He isn't able to give details yet but said, ‘I just swam and swam and swam." - And swam.

Swimming against the tide?

More meat cuts obesity. Good old experiment on mice has shown digested protein releases a hormone PYY, which in effect reduced hunger - its meat and cheese for everyone...Wahoo.

Just off to get some more cheese

Bill Shatner 75 is not going up on Dickie Branson's VSS Enterprise. The Virgin boss cannot coax him even though the ship is named after the Shat's show and he even offered a free ticket - usually retail at ₤114,000. Dickie wanted him to be the first passenger on the 2 ½ hour voyage in 2008, but as Bill said, "I'm interested in man's march into the unknown, but to vomit in space is not my idea of a good time. Neither is the fiery crash with the vomit hovering over me. Sigourney Weaver's going instead.

Sigourney gets ready for another mission

Lastly, horsey types beware, Mark Woollen 33, who has been banned from every field in Britain has been seen lurking around East Benton stables in Wallsend, Tyne and Wear, where only last year he had sex with a horse called Molly! Co-owner Jean Day is worried and said, "Molly has lost weight because of the stress." -Well you would.

here horsey

Goodnight and may your peace go with you Steve Irwin - while your at it, see if you can't take Mark Woollen with yer.

Throw your precaution to the winds.

cf.