Productions presents...

The Scene: Its 16 O'Medieval time in the court of Sir Richard Branson-Pickle the Lion-Fart. He and Sir Fartalot the Brave have been arguing, neigh, debating the ethos of the court jester's; fool's, most recent bout of frivolity accountable in last week's cfn. fool is summoned to explain...

Sir R.B-P.L-F.: Yes now, what's this fool; you got me all excited there for a minute then it just all petered out. What do you say about that? (Bpppp - he emits a small bottom burp)

fool: Yes well...Um, excuse me sire, but pardon?

Sir R.B-P. L-F: Your bloody crazy fool's nonsense man. (Bpppppppp...arghhh - slightly longer bottom burp, followed by a small sigh of relief)

fool: What the whole thing?

Sir R.B-P.L-F: No, no, no fool, just that what'ja-ma-thingy-ma-jig you call it at the beginning (Boompppfff - extactic fist clenched groan follows a depth-charged delivery)

Sir F: Well if I can just say, that's what Monty Python did in a lot or indeed in most of their sketches, some were just completely void of any punch line. Perhaps it was just a sketch that didn't need one. (bewwwwwwwwwwww - he now joins the chorus with a long high pitched unwavering trumpeting squeak)

fool: Yeah I thought... (Is interrupted)

Sir R.B-P.L-F: Well, I s'pose the punch line gag could've been the punch line, but even so. (Bpppfff Bpppfff - chugged the huffing and puffing starter like motor of a rip)

fool: Well that's what I was... (Interrupted and indeed ignored again)

Sir F: Yes, exactly what are you saying Sir Richie, baby, it had a punch line or it didn't? (Beww Phewwwmph - a belch followed by a silent gas bomb)

(fool has now turned green in the stench and is in a state of flux between trying to converse and chucking. With a staggered gate he etches towards the arched window and gasps for air...)

fool: Air, air, give me air, give me air (He cries through muffled tones.)

Sir F: Damn mustard right, the fool's got it. Guinevere, Guinevere. We'll get in Guinevere and see what she says - winner keeps her.

fool: (Turns to the camera and says...) That any better?

Narrator: If I had any left, I'd be pulling it out in clumps. I' m going crazy I tell you crazy, ARGHHH...fetch my sharp stick will ye...

Ok, when you can't make your mind up and the decision gets too tough - let the quiz decide...

1. Who did Guinevere end up shacking up with?

2. In which country is the city of Kitchener?

3. What is the only English anagram of SECTIONAL?

4. Which character was played by Lee Majors in the The Fall Guy?

5. If A is Alpha and B is Bravo what is P?

6. What name is given to the larva of a fly?

7. In which century was Sir Isaac Newton born?

8. Name the three films of the 20th century that earned an Oscar for Jack Nicholson.

As foolways, the answers are under *Comps & results, and as you know, there's always more there to tickle your indecisions.

But now, back to WHO AM I? Clue numero tres; ‘I'm married to a mad bubble!'

Is it me?

All good. Now let's hear from the growing band on cf's wagon:

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that - funny, I never tire of typing that, nor exalting their sheer worth - try them for excellent nosh and sound as pound vino.

GTM: This, what is probably the best garden & leisure furniture, goes all over the world. For more info contact gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn

Bootlace: walking holidays in the Alpujarra's Sierra Nevada, Spain. fool's been doing it for years and loves it. Click on the link for more info.

Kim Hai Trading Co., Ltd: For all your meat and fish. fool had a few lamb chops from the June promotional meat tray the other day - good God tonight mon - the only good baby sheep has mince sauce on it.

Jaspas: The exquisite scran, the margurahitas...oh the margaretandritas...those bloody marguerites!

Al Fresco's: You want ribs - you'll get ribs here folks - and you can graffiti all over the joint - yeeha!

Remember folks; there's more details on all of these and much, much more in the *classifieds section - serious dude's and dudesses - check out the pool table for instance.

But cf, what is in cfn this week? I'll tell you cf. Thanks. In cfn this week there's *Digger's weekly round up of the AFL - voted the best AFL column this side of the equator - go the Saints - and *Trigger invites you to make a quid or two - as always.

*Tit-bits is back this week with something new. How did I think this could go bi-weekly? Some more info in *About the author. *Fishman...is you a cometh again? And, why, when I get hold of dose dem dere *Bongo Massif Bros! Plus all your seasonal splatterings of nonsense - and coming soon, pics and blurbs from the Saigon Gecko's recent Phuket 10's tour.

But now calm yourself with a whiff of ruggle de toilette: (and remember folks, freedom of choice states that you can scroll down to the cricket, other sports or straight to the madcap news from around the world - exercise your choice - what, you mean make a decision? Uck man. But trust the fool; rugby's a goodun this week)

Argh, the smell of comedy rugby was thick in the air south of the equator last week. Not since Don Kink pitched ‘Iron-hoof' Mike Tyson against Stan Laurel for the International Fiddle Weight title have opponents been so mismatched - indeed as described in rags up and down the globe, ‘The mother of all mismatches.'

So vast was the gap between full strength and 3^rd & 4^th teams in the weekends offerings, that it has indeed prompted the call, and has been sanctioned from all and sundry, to abandon tours pre World Cup, starting with the one in New Zealand in 2011. - Which should be in Japan!

Japan!

Let's start with England against S.A. who went down after another pounding 55-22. In a game who's defence (England's) kept them in the running for the first 50 minutes, they went into the break 19-17 up. Brian Ashton said, "I thought some of our gang tackling around the ruck on their big ball carriers was fantastic." - Not allowed any Gary jokes here - move along the bus please!

But then as Sgt. Wilko admitted, and I'd guess with a slight emphasis on the Bokkie boulder Pierre Spies, who's speed, strength and size make him an awesome No.8, that, "Once that momentum had changed with a couple of good scores against us, I would defy any side to play against the South Africans on the back foot and change things back around." - Defy ye peasants, defy.

There was an increasingly relentless pressure from a steady boiling Bok team, but Wilko was right when he said, "The major mistakes have been made when tiredness crept in." - But that doesn't cut any mustard with the Ashton fella. Overall he says he wasn't happy and grumbled, "I expect international players to put their bodies on the line for the whole 80 minutes. You can't play for 50 and expect to win against South Africa." - No, yeah, what he said.

Brian says he knows five of his World Cup starters (Wilko I guess would be the only sure one from this tour. And on another note expect to see Dilly-Dally back!) but that he was impressed by some players on the tour, as he said, "I'm usually reluctant to name individuals, but Mark Regan did a really good job out here, as did Nick Easter." - Doh!

Jonny loved it though, as you would expect and mentioned things like ‘joy', ‘desire', ‘love' and ‘challenge' Then finished off with a poke in the eye for John Smit, "It is all about learning and using that effectively and I would say we have probably learnt more than the South African's from these two games." - In your face Bokkie boy!

Meanwhile over in Argentina Eddie ‘Cochrane' O'Sullivan (Ireland coach) was left feeling a little wiser after their 16-0 loss in Buenos Ares. Here's his take on their tour; "We are wiser on Argentina now. The more we play the more we learn. We've played Argentina quite a lot in recent years and we are wiser after every game. I'm wiser on Argentina and I'm wiser on our own squad too. I know coming here would be a real test of the players both individually and as a group. They worked very hard and probably deserved to win at least one game. From my point of view, I'm wiser than I was when we left Ireland." - What do you think he got from that tour? - Pissed by the sounds of things.

Ok, the Wallaby's had their hand-picked best team bar perhaps one against the Welsh, and almost made a stink of it. So much so that the ref stepped in and told both sides to buck it up, and that ‘it was all negative.' - They were booed off at half time - I shit you not, as Barnes would say!

Connolly wasn't at all happy going into the break, but liked what he saw from the old heads, especially that stalwart Gregan, in the second half. But was that the plan? Connolly; "There is no doubt that the Gregan, Larkham, Giteau, Mortlock combination are very comfortable with each other. But these games were very much about trying to build depth in case something happened." - Bring back Eales.

The scrums were good though, as too were three second half tries from new boy Digby dog? Ioane, Drew Mitchell - isn't he in Hollywood? And Julian Huxley - didn't he invent LSD?

When asked about their pool game in September ‘Knuckles' said, "Wales will make 4 or 5 changes, a different time, the Millennium Stadium - we know how difficult it will be." - Oh yeah, how difficult?

Meanwhile Gareth Thomas Wales' captain is no more than a fugitive! Apparently he is on the run from Toulouse who are suing him for going on tour with Wales, let alone captain them. I'm not sure if he left the French outfit before his contract finished but I do know he's miffed. He said, "I'm gutted my time with Toulouse ends like this. I had a great time there." - Watch your back mate because their President Rene Bouscatel is after you, he says, "He is ungrateful. I will have him." - And the World Cup's in France - oh no Gareth, you better run, run, run, run, run!

Ok, in bout No.3, which was first game up! The Oil Black machine keeps tootling on nicely. They are of course the only side that has two known sides, if you get my drift - that puts them out in front - catchable? - Oh sweet mother of the pigs bladders yes.

They whipped a French side that started with six new caps, and brought on 5 more from the bench, but as Henry ye olde dodgy eye browed ex school master said, "France played with a lot of spirit, a lot of courage, a lot of heart. They only arrived on Tuesday; they played last Saturday back in France. It was a big ask for them and I think they did particularly well." - fool says, that condescending smug bastard will get his come-uppence in October - I'd personally love the Irish to do it to them - we've seen the Aussies and French do it...

Sorry, excuse me for that rather impartial, but on everyone's mind, outburst. Here's what else the dwarf pensioner said on his teams weekend performance, "I think we've got a lot to work on as a team - combinations, 15 players playing well together - (but) I thought individuals played well." - I see a mean machine ball winning delivering pack - any backs in the world will work off of that.

But let's hear what Bernard Laporte said, "It is obvious the All Blacks are favourite for the World Cup but just because you start a Grand Prix in pole position doesn't mean you are going to win." - Bring it on you mad Froggie bastard!

Kiwi's - give the fool hell - contact the contacts page up above or go straight to cf.crazyfool@gmail.com He'd love your letters.

Ok, some other rugby results. Japan beat Tonga 20-17 to win their first game in the Specific Nations Cup and move into 4^th position. And England Saxons beat the N.Z. Maoris 17-13 to take the Churchill Cup.

Around the world:

Uruguay 29-5 Italy - Uruguay; dirtiest football players...ever!

European Nations Div 3B - Finland 27-20 Israel - ‘Oh, my ears are alight'.

IRB 7's final - N.Z. 34-5 Samoa - mmm samosa.

Aus Rugby Shield - Darwin Mosquitoes 31-3 Tassie Jack Jumpers - just weird.

Argh Shute Shield - Northern Suburbs 20-18 poor old Gordon.

And in the Copa de SM Espania or something like, from Spain there are too many teams with far too many ridiculous names to mention.

And now chums, its cricket:

And hitting the crease out of conventionality this week has been that man Kevin Pieterson again.

He's not happy with bits of the Schofield report - a jumped up report collated by some ex-golfer on how England lost the Ashes! He's especially not happy with the bit about cutting WAGS time on tours, he says, "It's our personal joy and happiness they are talking about and they can't take that away." - Come on, his wag is Liberty X star Jessica Taylor - phwoarrr!

He then went on to talk about how England have sometimes been too soft in the past and the belief in this building side is now on its way to ruthlessness; "We want to be at the opposition all day. We want to be ruthless, that's what the Aussies are. Despite the genius they have, they also have a mentality that is rock-hard, no fear (Quicksilver, Billabong) and win at all costs. That's what we are building." - Can we fix it...yes we can!

On Warne and McGrath; "They definitely earned the Australian players a lot of money over the last 12 years or so. They are greats of the game and the Aussies will struggle without them." - Yeah, as the mouse said when fucking the elephant as he steps on a thorn and trumpets, ‘yeah, suffer baby, suffer.'!!! - What?

Anyway, Vaughan's happy with his new boss and says, "We've all been energised by Peter - he's a huge enthusiast and a very deep thinker about the game." - That's good, cos you need deep thinkers, and deep pan's.

Matt Prior the Moores protégé is also full of admiration for the ‘energiser' - he reflected on when he was 12; "I was sent to have a session with the Sussex keeper - and I'll never forget it." - Forget what?

Next year England will play their first start of a Test series on a Wednesday since 1931. They're cramming in the international cricket in 2008 with three Tests against New Zealand and five ODI's and four Tests and five ODI's against South Africa - this comes two weeks after the Schofield report recommended less international cricket! - Communication let me down, but I'm not...

John Emburey is tipped to take over as boss of India since the departed Chappelle - oh God Blimey - he says in a rather ropey Indian accent straight from It Aint Half Hot Mum! Jonty Rhodes is tipped to become England's fielding coach and Allan Donald is already there, for the next five weeks at least, in the shape of the ‘Harm-iniser' - Donald's full of optimism for the doubting Geordie, he says, "He is a quality bowler and some high class players who have faced him have spoken very highly of him so there's no problem. He will be back." - He will be back, oh yes; he will...be...back.

Apparently Vaughan and Freddie are having a lovers tiff but neither of them really knows about it. It all stems from the Ashes where Vaughan says he was frozen out of the dressing room - err too right. Then the World Cup where Vaughan has been accused of slating the Fred for the ‘Fredalo' incident, saying that after that it was no fun being in the Windies because personal restrictions had been implemented - and that was all Fred's fault.

Fred's blissfully unaware of all of this and Vaughan says he's going to phone the Fred up to see where the shit lies. But in the meantime it's Fred's old boss and Lancs boss, Jim Cumbes, incidentally Lancashire are arch rivals of Yorkshire where Vaughan happens to stem from, anyway it's Jim who is really dishing the dirt, he says, "I think it's completely out of order, it's despicable, it stinks - making the comments against a guy who has given his blood for England over the past three or four years." - He's goes on for pages of this whining drivel, saying it was Freddie who earned everyone else's gongs, and rule No.1 is don't shit on your team mates in public...blah, blah, freakin blah.

Vaughan did take Fred out for lunch yesterday, they had the ratatooti-fruiti I think, and explained that the whole ghastly affair all exploded after that word, yep just a word, the papers sold millions of copies of shite all based on one word - beautiful isn't it. Oh, the word...Fredalo...what else.

Peter ‘cool head, I don't really give a flying' Moores isn't really interested in the whinging git Jim and his old farty ladies club of knockers and begrudgers and noncahntly dismissed the whole affair by saying, "There are no hangovers. They've been through a lot together and they are mates through it and that's the most important." - So, stick that in your cake hole Jim.

Mark Ramprakash, 37 - the Surrey run machine - hasn't played for England since 2002 - on his way to another call up? - Hmmm.

But now, other worldly sports from the err world:

The F1 GP's in Canada this weekend I believe and the McLaren's are going guns, and Fernando Alonso's lying; "Thanks to everyone's points, we are doing great in both championships. Does his (Lewis') success motivate me? No, because I'm always motivated." - Told ya.

McLaren in Canada

I've just noticed one of the strangest feeling's...when you interlock your hands or more so your fingers together you usually put your right hand into your left as in the left fore-finger in on the outside, the loosehead so to speak - try doing it the other way around...weird eh!

Back to sport and Valentino Rossi won his sixth straight Italian MotoGP at Mugeller and said, "To win in Mugeller once again is an incredible emotion for me." - Which is boring, so drink your tea and read these sensational quips from the king of darts commentary, Mr. Syd Waddell:

"Bristow reasons... Bristow quickens... aaaaahhh, Bristow."

"We could not have more excitement here if Elvis walked in and asked for a chip sandwich."

"This lad has more checkouts than Tesco."

"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."

"The players are under so much duress, it's like Duressic Park."

"As they at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."

"It's like taking a sausage off a boy in a wheelchair."

"Painter's not bothering with an undercoat... he's gone straight to gloss!"

"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33 he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer - Bristow is only 27."

"That's quality with a capital K."

"If you had to throw a knife at your wife in a circus, you'd want to throw it like that."

"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles."

"William Tell could take out an apple on your head, Taylor could take out a processed pea."

"Circus Tavern packed - even a garter snake smothered in Vaseline couldn't slide in here."

Beautiful eh!

But now it's time for the world news:

He's been at it again, old pervy photographer Spencer Tunick - hundreds of nudes cycling over a bridge in Amsterdam. One Dutch woman said, "It was great. I didn't feel shy at all." - It's not natural is it - would you want to see your missuss doing it, your mum, your next door neighbour, the postman...it's not right. And what kind of name is Spencer anyway?

Gotta look

Talking of oldies, well of sorts, a bunch of oldies, 40 to be exact, with a combined age of over 3,000years have recorded The Who's My Generation and are in the Brit charts at No26. The Zimmers were brought together in a BBC documentary about the feeling of isolation brought on by old age. Producer Will Daws said, "Considering we weren't on any play lists because we were not young and trendy enough, this is an absolute triumph. Hopefully we can break into the top ten." - Not arf mate.

My Generation

Dirty whore Brits are the dirty whore sluts of Europe! The average dirty whore man or woman slut sleeps with 10 partners a year, compared to the next noggins the dirty Swedes who could only manage between 5-10 (amateurs). The slinky Spanish were pure lightweights living off as little as 3-5 sweat tangles. Six out of ten Brits have sex on the first night, but the trusty Swedes hide the salami 81% of the time on their first dates. Beautifulpeople.net quizzed 30,0000. People get paid to do market research - did you know that?

Its no wonder

A lot of first dates can lead to this, so you'll need to know; 60% of parents bathe their baby' everyday instead of the recommended 2 or 3 times a week - I hope you're reading this missuss cf! - doting parents also use bubble bath and the like, when plain water is best, and that's why 37% of boys and 33% of girls have skin complaints. Elena Darlymple from Mother and Baby rag said, "A baby's skin is five times thinner than an adults and needs very gentle treatment. It is not a good idea to bathe a baby every day. Two or three times a week is plenty with the odd top and tail in between." - Ooh matron. Who knew cfn could be so informative?

But enough of that shite - a New Yorker is suing Boost, an energy shake drink after it gave him an erection for three days. - And he's suing!

enough to

1,700 guitarists played Smoke on the Water together in Kansas City the other day. Some where Jimmy Page had weird feeling that someone somewhere was playing his song.

It could have been Derek Paravicini, who's been described as the human ipod. He's blind, autistic and has severe learning difficulties, but boy can he play the piano, and probably the pinball too! He started when he was 2, was performing at 4 and can play a tune instantly after hearing it. His mentor Adam Ockleford says, "he has a musical factory up there, and he likes to make people happy." He then described their first meeting, "Derek and I first met when he was little - he was about 4 and half. He just broke away from his parents and pushed a little girl off the piano and played Don't Cry For Me Argentina." His techniques involve, ‘knuckles, fists, karate chops and even the occasional elbow.' - There has to be a twist.

The Ashcan is now available in Britain, which is handy because the smoking ban applies in England on 1^st July and it's an £80 fine for ‘butting' in the street. It's an air tight tube the size of a cigarette. A smoker's spokesman said, "Until now smokers have had little choice but to reinforce their bad name by dropping their cigarettes butts on the ground." - The only thing worse than a smoker is a reformed smoker - you listening missus cf?

Right, ‘sexsomnia' is real and is available now in your bedroom. It can involve sleepwalking, confusional arousal, sexual talk, fondling, sexual aggression and even intercourse - all in your sleep - wahoo. But as Doc Carlos Schwenk from Minnesota U.S of the A says, "People might think this behaviour is humorous, but it can be disturbing, embarrassing and a potentially serious problem." Yes, right, ok. ...Oh look at his leg go now...he's going to, he's going to...yep, there he goes...

Zzzz

A woman went out for a walk at 3a.m. - as you do - in Herne Bay, Kent, England and tripped on a rock and fell 100ft down a cliff - as you do - ever seen the beginning of Harold Lloyd - you know, when some days you just can't kill yourself. - Anyway, she landed on a muddy beach with only a small cut to her head and spent the next three hours trying to get a signal on her mobile to phone 999 (Anyone smell drugs!). A policeman, eventually on the scene said, "If she fell on rocks she wouldn't be alive." - Some of the best criminal minds around are the boys in blue.

I stepped out the back door and

Ok, let's wrap it up with the fact that nearly half the men in the world are unhappy about their cock size, whereas 85% of women are satisfied. See, where's the worry? Girth does matter though, 90% of the women-folk say so. Doc Kevin Wylie (are you sure?) has carried out a 60 year world-wide research and has consulted 12000 willies and 50,000 adults. The average plonker is between 5.5 and 6.2 inches (14-16cm) and 4.7 and 5.1 inches (12-13cm) in girth. To be considered small it has to 2.7 inches or 7.1 cm. it is believed that insecurity comes from teenagers watching porn movies, which incidentally is what missuss cf calls this site! And by the way lengthening ops or adding weights to the old chap doesn't work, neither does having it bitten by a poisonous snake as in some tribes in Brazil.

Feel the girth

Never mind the width - feel the girth!

Just cf it.

cf