1st - 7th July 2011 volume 439
July, 06th 2011 14:47 PM

“Overrun by a Chinese line

With the boys from the Mersey and the Thames and the Tyne”

(Elvis Costello)


 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lass – The One With Thea Waking Up

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 1.7.11                                           

For Elements of: Military Stabilisation Support group (MSSG)

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

 

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

 

The phoney war continues

A Californian man has been arrested after forming a fake army using Chinese recruits.

 

Not to get confused with supplying imitation goods, Yupeng Deng, who described himself as ‘Supreme Commander’, actually formed an army unit of Chinese enlisted men.

 

Yupeng trained over 200 US citizens from all over the country and charged a fee of $300 – $450 which covered administration costs and provided the elite outfit with a uniform. The group would then meet in a suburb of LA to go on parade.

 

New recruits were taken on a tour around the ex aircraft carrier USS Midway, which was decommissioned in January 2004 and is now a museum in San Diego.

 

Yupeng was charged with, ‘theft by false pretences’, ‘manufacturing deceptive government documents’, and for ‘the use of a counterfeit official government seal’ - he received three years in prison.


 

A government protection scheme has since re-housed the seal and Custom officers have asked for all ninjas made in China and Taiwan to report to Head Quarters at Toys r Us in Wayne New Jersey.


 

 

Something fishy in the back of the net

A Russian women’s football team have increased crowds during hard economic times by playing in bikinis.

 

FC Rossyanka from Krasnoarmeysk near Moscow, formed in 1990 have won the premiership three times in 2005, 06 and 2010, and even qualified for the Champions league and got to the last 16, but despite this, coach Tatayana Egorava says,

 

‘Few people have ever heard of us and we don’t get many people coming to the games so we decided to give our profile a boost by appearing in bikinis.’

 

‘We think it’s a good idea, our players are beautiful, great athletes and determined to win.’

 

Play, it seems, has also improved with the new scoring formation of a solid rear, a playful midfield and two big guns up front.


Back of the net

… and I eat flies

New research has shown wide faced men are more prone to bouts of dodginess; as opposed to their leaner horse-featured counter parts.

 

Michael Haselhuhn has written, Bad To The Bone: Facial Structure Predicts Unethical Behaviour, where he states probability points to all round deceitfulness from the rounder faced gene, suggesting they are most likely to get their own way, cheat and make extra cash.

 

A study of business students in a Masters degree, with an average age of 28, found those with a high facial width-to-height (WHR) were more likely to lie about the details.

 

In a different study undergraduates aged 22 were drawn gift cards from a computer generated roll of the dice, where again the WHR’s cheated by falsely claiming extra entries.

 

Michael said, ‘Those with higher facial WHR’s feel more powerful. We propose physical traits that have been selected as reliable predictors of morally questionable actions.’

 

Cowpat Dan said as far as he was concerned all of his dealings with the wide mouthed frog were legitimate and was unavailable for further comment.


 

Bum deal

A toilet roll thief in the US has been charged after he was caught with six rolls up his bum.

 

Street entertainer David Pinkham from Massachusetts was caught on security video leaving Lawrence City hall where guards became suspicious and, ‘pulled six tightly folded toilet rolls from his backside and groin area.’

 

Further investigation found him to have carried out this manoeuvre on 5 or 6 previous occasions.

 

He was charged with larceny and fined $250 and told to clean up his act.



 (Quick sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Judging by the poor standard of stories this week fool will not be telling you about the 16th annual World Wife carrying Championships in Finland this week, with its unique ‘Estonian style’ carrying method which sees the woman upside down with her legs around the shoulders… nor will we touch on the ‘snoratorium’s’ that are engulfing Hollywood homes as more couples make room in their houses for the snorer and snoree to sleep in peace, soothed only by the rumbling bubbly tones of a fish tank – no, he’ll mention none of that, but will only charge forth, rapido style, to something tenuously linked to toilet paper and song, which in this case is Debbie Harry’s mention of something being a pain in the ‘ass’, which is naturally akin the Yank spelling in Blondie’s classic from the 80’s – Heart of Glass… take it away Blondie…

 

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 What they’ve recently said: ‘Yes.’ A recent question posed to Latchetts caravan and camping site whether they do caravan and camping?

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I was walking home the other night. A man came out of the doorway. He said, ‘have you seen a policeman ‘round here?’ I said, ‘no’. He said, ‘stick ‘em up’.

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

 


 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news


*Snake man Luke Yeoman 45 from Nottingham UK was bitten to death, or rather the poison killed him… to death, by his king Cobra. His last words before taking 24 snakes to a snake sanctuary he had set up at the weekend were, ‘They know that I provide them with fresh food and water and so they are not going to go out of their way to do harm to me when I do no harm to them whatsoever.’ A similar thing happened to Philip A Contos 55 who attended an anti helmet wearing motorcycle rally in NY and promptly fell off his bike hit the pavement and died. Unbelievably only 20 of the 52 states in America is it law to wear a crash hat!

 

*Nancy is a Chihuahua sheep dog from Guildford Surrey. Picked up from Battersea Dogs home by Ali Taylor who trains collies, Nancy was trained from an early age. ‘I decided to give it a whirl and she picked it up straight away.’ – Dam sheep are idiots; don’t ever let me come back as a sheep.

 

*A New Zealand pub sells apple flavoured horse semen. The shot comes at $25 a pop with the slogan on an advertising poster that reads ‘get jazzy with it.’ The Green Man Pub in Wellington retrieves 300million individual sperm cells from the horse and says it’s popular with both men and women. Who and how do they do the retrieving I wonder.

 

*A passenger on a flight from Seattle to Anchorage was bitten by a scorpion. Jeff Ellis from Oregon was asleep when he felt something nip him on the elbow and when he opened his eyes said, ‘Oh my god, that’s a scorpion.’ Alaska Airlines gave him frequency flyer-miles and two free round trip tickets. – Argh, the olde infamous Alaskan scorpion, the snow scorpion, the ice scorpion, the elbow nipping ice, snow scorpion, never heard of it? No, me neither.

 

*The singing penis is the loudest animal on earth. Otherwise known as a water boatman or if technical the micronecta scholtzi. The two millimetre freshwater insect creates 100 decibels of noise by rubbing its penis against its abdomen to attract a mate – and they say we’ve evolved.

 


Number crunching


 

*The most pirates gathered in one place was Penzance Cornwall last weekend at 8,734 - fact.

 

*World’s longest sea bridge is 26.4miles long – from Quindao to Huangdao across the Jiaozhou Bay in China. It’s expected to traffic 30,000 cars a day, but will only knock around 20/30 minutes off the commute – is it worth it? China has 7 out of 10 of the longest bridges, and the longest rail bridge in 102 miles over land and water from Dan Young to Kunshan near Shanghai, but they never sang Bridge Over Troubled Water because that was Simon and Garfunkel – I wonder if 7 out of the 10 Chinese bridge builders knew that eh, or the army… not so bloody clever now.

 

*Frenchman Taig Khris jumped into the record books on his roller skates covering 95 feet by soaring down a purpose built ramp out side Paris’ Sacre Coeur Basilica.

 

*if you’ve got a fetish for women’s feet most footists would tell you that only a size five can cut it. Compeed asked 2000 adults – 4 out of ten of them women - and a third would tell you size 5, with red toe nail polish and a three inch high heel is the perfect size. Mind you, 38% are put off by cracked heels and dry skin

 

*Melvin Roberts from South Carolina has been hit by lightening six times and blames his wives, ‘I’ve been married five times’, he said, ‘and I’ve been hit by lightening five times. But (his sixth wife) says this is the sixth time and I’m not leaving my wife so I’m going to have to do something different.’ – Frazzle, I suppose like every other self respecting person who gets hit by lightening.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page

 

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