1st - 7th Jan '10 volume 361
January, 08th 2010 14:36 PM

 

That was the week weren’t it;

 

The scene: fool is sitting on his thoughts; they’re neither sharp nor uncomfortable. He’s chatting to the Betelgeuse star in the constellation of Orion… otherwise known, in Arabic circles, as الجوزاء al-Jauzā' meaning Orion, taken from the egeuse bit and this bit; جوز j-w-z, which translates into ‘middle, which all rather confusingly denotes to something like ‘The Central One’, confusing isn’t it. Because the middle bit, جوز j-w-z, also often translates to the ‘armpit’ or ‘shoulder’, occasionally the ‘right hand’ but reassuringly not the leg, for the contestations of getting leg-over in the sky are far too great to comprehend. Ostensibly and not to be confused with ostentatiously, which is a slightly more crude evaluation of detail suggesting monetary fractions of a stars success, when our star, Betelgeuse, is a long way from the connotation of coin, but in fact a big fat red blob, and one of the biggest big fat red blobs up there and will no doubt one day explode and wipe out our ecosystem as we know it, probably killing us all…eventually (pronunciation for ‘eventually’ provided by Manuel in Fawlty Towers)…mwoaha-ha-ha (sinister laugh provided by Dr Evil)…the play…

 

fool: Argh, but Mr Beetlegeese, I beg to differ.

 

Betelgeuse stays quiet and simply shines…because it is just a star.

 

Narrator: Humbling fool, very humbling.

 

When a star is born

 

1. Who doesn’t care, ‘how cold you are’, he’s gonna make you a star?

 

2. To the nearest hundred how many islands make up the Maldives?

 

3. The word Ombudsman comes from which language?

 

4. In which American state were Bonnie and Clyde killed in an ambush?

 

5. What is studied by a pedologist?

 

6. Spencer Grove was the first winner of what?

 

7. Who released the biggest selling album in Britain in the 70’s?

 

8. In what types of food is cholesterol found? A) Food of animal origin only B) Food of plant origin only C) Any type of food

 

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

 

cf’s Quiz Night at…it’ll be in 2010!

 

WHO AM I? – 2010 – Duped by the hiccup of the wrong kind of snow on the lines last week, regulars were held back from entering their answers, but not the Silent Third Party previously known as Quizmaster, who this week leaps into the lead with this correct answer…Sting…to this correct clue…“’ello, ‘ello, ‘ello, Rudi’s message didn’t appear in my bottle”, and so without further achew we step straight into clue 2, “With a twinkle in my eye I let all the children boogie”

 

Is it me?

 

Welcome to the 2010 Main Comp scoreboard: with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in. And previous results in the *comps and results page in the categories.

 

With all the ones and brackets:

 

The Regulars

 

Dracule:

 

Legal Eagle:

 

Hannibal Lecherure:

 

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1 (1)

 

Casualty:

 

Aye:

 

Others:

 

Let’s move on shall we:

 

Quote(s) for the week:

The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1,000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten Brambley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!

I’m Alan Partridge

 

*Non-descript trivia moment*

 

DEGREES OF FREEMASONRY

 

1°…Entered Apprentice…1°

2°…Fellow Craft…2°

3°…Master Mason…3°

4°…Secret Master…4°

5°…Perfect Master…5°

 

 

fool’s Gold

 

  • The youngest Pope was 11 years old

 

  • Rats can’t vomit

 

  • Dirty Harry’s badge number is 2211

 

 

 

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

 

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

 

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Choices – a low bloody flying Ariel bombardment of namby-pamby, evenly spread, gay, democratic, flavourless bloody choices. Where have they all come from, where’s the black or white, how’s the notion of just being bloody happy or not turned into bipolar. It’s all about choices these days, unless of course its politics then only pre-opinion judgements democratically tell everyone it’s ok for everyone to be on a level playing field as long as it’s in line with their thinking, that’ll, in time just drag everyone down to their sodden, wet, weak ideology that’ll forever be fossilised with an opposition boot mark stomped on a decaying grin with a speech, saying, ‘it’s ok, no really, I’m ok’. That’s democracy for you, your right to have a choice as long as it’s the right one. It worked for Mugabe, Che, but not Sonny. (lost the plot, read on at your own risk). All I want is a bloody desk, big enough to fit my belly under and two handy draws on the right to put my gollywog in and a bunch of ‘lucky junk’. I’ve been around a small bloody island in the Andaman Sea, twice, which I’ve since found out is called the Ladyman Sea, as it covers the Ladyman capital of the world, which in itself is simply truly bizarre and not some way off The Planet of the Apes, in as far as its integration men-as-ladies in normal life, from the supermarket checkout to manning the pumps at the petrol station, not sure if that was the correct term, but never mind, for I digress, but whilst we’re here, at least there’s no choice there; because if you were looking for a ladyboy then forget it because there’s no boys in Phuket, they’re most definitely men…strange days indeed… Right, where were we? Choices…and furniture, a desk…I’ve found nothing but choices coming out of my ears, nevertheless, by the time I made my decision, weighed up the dimensions and agreed the compatibility for my style of living, which these days is hard and fast in a comfortable chair, thank you very much, the bastard thing’s been sold, although it’s still on display, they’re out of stock of anymore, but do have a billion others in mock veneer finish, which quite frankly I wouldn’t cover the newly decomposing pungent compost heap in. After spending most of the Christmas holidays on this wild desk chase, I finally found one that was for me, unfortunately so had two mad, middle-aged women I thought I shook off on the previous shop who were out for a bargain to set up their new shipping business. I swear I could have punched them, full, square in the jaw just to stop the incessant banal chatter, and felt no remorse, just dust my hands and walk on. But I didn’t. I stood and grinned and squinted and wish to almighty fuck I had just rammed their heads repeatedly on the classic aluminium executive finish of the R-class. Still they were excited about their new enterprise, the corner-desk wasn’t my style and so my search continues amidst the vast regalia of unnecessary rich-pickings this decisive world offers us. In the meantime I’d chosen the wrong kind of, thousands of mackerel on display, and in my haste opted for the salted variety…piece of advice…don’t – choices - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

 

Bernard Cornwell’s, ‘Azincourt’ – thanks Digger; fine read.

 

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

 

 

 

Let’s look at rocks:

 

 

 

And now this bit:

 

 

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

 

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that… Sangria, mojito’s, plenty, plenty, plenty of wine and beer; Plus, The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam Cracking live music too.

 

 

www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

 

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

 

 

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com and Prices and dates 2009
Not just a walk in the park

 

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

 

 

 

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – you can’t hide forever Jim!... ‘Oh yes I can.’

 

 

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

 

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

 

 

 

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

 

 

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

 

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: with his brother

 

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Randall

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

 

*Tit-bits – .../…God and the Biker…/……/…/…/…

 

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

 

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

 

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

 

*Classifieds

House for rent; District 1 HCMC

HP Deskjet F2280 Printer, copy, scanner; 1.2mil vnd – contact the fool!

 

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…yeah, I’m just on my way back from Goa, be there in a jiffy …’

 

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

 

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available from the Blue Gecko

 

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

 

I’ll take a T-shirt

 

This bit is the rugby bit:

 

Wanna bet?

 

Published 7.1.10

 

We’ve all played rugby drunk before, haven’t we, but on New Year’s Day? That’s a toughie. Still a few did it on Guinness, others on Magners and the French on a classic Top14!

 

Heineken Cup: soon!

 

Guinness Premiership:

 

Gloucester and Worcester shared a merry 26 points and divided them at 13 each/ Quins played Sale for the third week running and, lost for the third week running, this time 16-21 thanks largely to a try saving tackle in the last minute by Hodgson on Ugo Monye. Both Jim Staples and Frankie Croxford did not play for Quins/ Bath hovered over Leeds 20-15 as the relegation battle begins/ And it seems Sarries may have lost their footing somewhat as they took their second consecutive defeat in two weeks, this time to Leicester 22-15. Flood collected 17 points and Dan Hipkiss’s only try of the game came down to some great defence by Justin Marshal and Brad Baritt/ Northampton outdone L. Irish 24-22 with a last gasp try from Chris Ashton/ And Newcastle had a canny win away to Wasps 12-6 in a drab game that only came alive thanks to Lions and ECCS captain Simon Shaw’s rollicking runs and Carl Heyman’s biff behind to back him up.

 

Top 14:

 

Castres cemented their top of the table position with a 44-10 win over Albi in a five try romp/ Racing Metro 92 wasn’t so consecutive with their wins and were pipped 17-18 by Bourgoin – look out for up-coming young lad Jonathan Wismiewski and those who can spot the spelling changes in his name each week get a prize!/ Montauban 6-6 Stade Francais – nuff said/ Brive notched three tries to stun Perpignan 29-9/ And Biarritz continued their scintillating form, ousting Montpelier 26-10. Tries came from Balshaw, Mignardi x2 and that man who’s causing a huge stir in French-land; Takudzua Ngwenya/ Clermont look to have found their form and helped themselves to five tries against a full spread Toulon side to beat them 39-3, by full spread I mean, Sgt Wilko, Contemponi, Joe Van Nierkerk, Juan Martin Fernandez Lobbe (one bloke) and Saimone Taumoerreau (about three blokes)/ Lastly, Bayonne were roused to defeat by a labouring Toulouse 13-15

 

Magners League:

 

Ospreys held Cardiff pointless on 26-0 with tries from Nikki Walker x2 and Ryan Jones/ Connaught and Leinster was called off because of a frozen pitch – Jim Staples was not available/ Glasgow headed to the top of the table with a second win on the trot against Edinburgh 22-15 – Paterson continued to kick all the ‘burgh’s points, which he has done since he was 11 and Van der Merwre and Stortoni scored for the Glaswegians/ Ulster denied Munster 15-0 at Ravenhill with Scotsman Simon Danielle grabbing two tries.

 

Some shorts:

 

For Christmas I got Austin Healy’s Rugby Nightmares. It is the most cheesy, unbearable piece of gob-shitingly, embarrassing heap of twoddle I have ever seen in my life, except for the rugby bits of course, which are excellent. The hits, the cock-ups, the tries etc, from all over the world are brilliant!

 

And if rugby is anything these days it truly is a world game. The ARU are to allow Melbourne’s Super15 outfit to use 10 overseas players in their 2011 campaign. It’s designed to get them off on the same if not similar footing to provide some competition and by 2015 they’ll be whittled down to two overseas players in line with the other Aussie sides.

 

Making their way back from injury in time for the 2010 Super14’s are Mortlock for the Brumbies and Barnes for the Tahs. Whilst the Europeans are gearing up the Six Nations, and taking no part in that through injury are Jason White who broke his leg in training and Maxime Mermoz who looks doubtful for France with a shoulder injury.

 

Sir Geech is putting his money on the Irish for the Six Nations; “They’re settled, they’re confident and they’ve got some talented players – they look a very competent side. I thought they did well in the autumn.” – He also shed a little sympathy for Johnno’s England whom he said was riddled with injuries, and was a dash unlucky, and for that reason the fool’ll go with the English! – Wanna bet?

 

Some competitions now:

 

WIN a PRIZE!

 

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit is done, long live John Smit’s XV who have a famous relative in sport – can be the same sport or a completely different one.

 

Same deal; if you send in a team that has 8 or more names the same as fool, you win a prize.

 

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another year and half of him yet!

 

  1. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

 

end rugby here!

 

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

 

I do believe…

 

Had a slice of R&R recently, but I reckon I’ve got a word or thribble to say on the Christmas Test matters:

 

Firstly, I’d like to say that word again; thribble, there, how was that? A cross between three and scribble…I just made it up, so no nicking it. I think I’ll get a t-shirt made… ‘Hey, I’ll have a thribble’ – who wants one?

 

Secondly, the Tests have been good eh! Levi done for two, KP gone on zip, Trott a mere 20 then Cook cruised on 65 before cutting a short delivery to point and suddenly fool thinks he knows what he’s talking about.

 

Bell had the critics creaming in their pants till he miss-fired on 48 and Prior stepped in to a highly flappable range of octaves from Boycott which mostly consisted of the words ‘stringy’ and ‘dopey’. Yet the wicketkeeper was still there on 52 at the end of day 2 chasing South Africa’s 291.

 

The morning session had brought a flurry of both bat and ball stuff, with four Protean wickets and three English-uns. Morne Morkel rode high on 5-29 and Jimmy, Jimmy yeah, on 5 fer 63.

 

But Gadzooks, blow me down with a feather and squeeze my arshole, for over in SCG-land the Pakis had ripped into the Aussies and wiped them all out for 127 in front of an astonished 29,844 crowd.

 

On a perfect green bottle pitch The Punts opted to risk a bat first. A few hours later Mohammad Asif – he did, tore into them at a rate of 6-41. Hussey wasn’t too forthcoming on the captain’s tactic, but in his defence said, “I didn’t think it was a 127 all-out pitch.” – Pakistan returned with 331-9 and sniffed a win in Oz for the first time in 14 years.

 

Meanwhile, back under Table Mountain, and is it my imagination or has someone added a bit to the top, because it no longer looks anything like a table! Nevertheless Day 3 saw the ‘is-it’s’ 18 up with an absolute massive resurgence of some classic thumping resolve from the captain Smith who partnered with beardy Amla for 332-2 - on 162* himself, the third 50 off 47 balls, whilst Hashim was out for a measly 95.

 

In amongst the South Africa’s euphoria of edging away with the game they forgot to patronise the English and quickly rustled up a ball tampering tale connected with Stuart Broad’s boot and Jimmy, Jimmy, yeah’s fingers. Naturally they were right, but the management didn’t take the initiative to lodge a formal complaint in time and so it just sounded like a wasted bitch.

 

Over in the SCG on Day 4 Australia created themselves an 80 run lead off the back, largely, of an almost cricket God vision from Hussey who declared, “I definitely think we’re still in it.” His quest was a 150 lead and from that he was led to believe anything could happen. At stumps he was on 127* with ‘mad grimace’ Siddle clattering the loosey’s on 34*.

 

In Dhaka the Srills beat India in an ODI thanks to Thilu Samaraweera’s 105 not out…but hang on…who gives a fuck!

 

Back on Day 4 in Cape Town, Smith top edged to Colly to reel himself back to the sandwiches for 183…it’s good to go straight back to the sheds and eat a sandwich, it takes your mind off things.

 

South Africa set a 466 target for the English, they replied with 101-0 at lunch then 132-2, 11 overs later at stumps. Levi and Cook brought up respectable score and KP hit 6. - If I’m around later I’ll smoke a pipe to an likely victory…to either side.

 

Unlikely it’ll be England?…not so fast…remember Hussey’s ‘vision’? It seemed skipper Mohammad Yousif caught a glimpse of it and from it’s powers started the rut to Pakistan’s demise when he slammed a drive back at bowler Hauritz’ hand, adding to his 5-53 and so the dominoes folded. Umar Akmal helped him out as best he could, but 49 wasn’t enough to chase the 176 required and the visitors were shot by 36 runs.

 

The Punts expressed that it was the best win he’d ever been involved in as he says after every game, then confirmed what he’s hindsight new all along; “I don’t think anyone in the world, other than probably all the blokes in the dressing room, thought we could win.” – Thank Hussey’s ‘vision’ and of course his 134*

 

That’s it for this week

 

 

Other sports:

 

Phil ‘the power’ Taylor won his 15th World dart title this week and stoically declared that; what English football needs is someone with his experience and hardened mentality; “If Fabio Capello wants me, I’m here for him, I would even fly out to the World Cup matches in South Africa to talk to the lads. The smallest advantage in professional sport can make all the difference.” – Definitely. Book him Danno…

 

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

 

Dubai’s ‘White Camel’ has just been completed amidst a £62billion debt and a £16b bung to get his name on the side from the UAE El Presidente Birj Khalifa. Birj…that sounds pretty cool, do you think that might be the equivalent of something like Burt, as in Reynolds or Lancaster. Mind you, there’s no-one cooler than Richard Burt-on and I mean both the adventurer and actor. But back to the world’s tallest building and for a long time no doubt, to be the world’s emptiest building, which stands on sand at 828m (2,717ft) high… ‘A little Indian brave who before he was ten played war games in the woods with his Indian friends…’ – name the song and artist for a prize.

 

There can be only one!

 

About 985ft lower than the world’s tallest building were 30 punters snowed-in, in Britain’s highest pub, the Tan Hill for three days in North Yorks …corr, weather eh! It also stopped Kate Ure, a Scottish Highlands Lighthouse keeper’s wife returning with the Christmas shopping after 14 days. She only popped out to Inverness to get a turkey. Used to be a pint of milk in the old days.

 

And if you think fool was a fool for chatting to Betelgeuse then be warned; for a supernova is being primed, ‘out there’, as we speak. The T Pyxidis star, as it is called, well, actually it’s two stars, are 3,260 light years away and are sucking enough gas and space stuff in, till it will explode producing 20 billion, billion, billion megatons of TNT.

 

Occasionally this white dwarf will let off a ‘burp’ every 20 years or so but hasn’t done so since 1967 – the year of our fool – Robin Scagill, vice president of UK’s Society for Popular Astronomy said, “The star may certainly become a supernova soon - but soon could still be a long way off, so don’t get nightmares.” – Soon, what does he mean soon, how far is a light year, what nightmares…Aaarrrggghhh…quick man the pumps, women, children and cowards first…stock up on scotch eggs…can’t you see, we’re all going to die…die…die…

 

 

 

In France you will soon be able to be arrested for being rude about your wife’s appearance. It’s called ‘psychological violence’. Well, that should solve everything then.

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Mon Cherie Amor’ was a song by Stevie Wonder that starts, ‘La la la la la la, la la la la la la’

 

Scientists in Tawain have found a crab that looks like a strawberry due to its bright red colour and white spots, as opposed to a white shell and red spots which would look like a mushroom. I bring this to your attention because the scientist who discovered was called Ho Ping-ho and I thought that was mildly amusing – I thank you.

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper bit but without the k! “I am very interested in the universe – I am specialising in the universe and all that surrounds it.”

 

Here’s a feel good story, about a man named Martyn Jarman 72 who ended up buying his old British Salmson car back, which he first received as a 21st birthday present back in 1958. His dad bought it for £20 after it was abandoned outside a cinema. Martyn sold it three years later for a profit of £25 to pay for his wedding, the ungrateful bastard, but recently saw it in the British Salmson Owners Club newsletter and re-acquired it for £10,500. The moral is that when you become a member of the British Salmson Owners Club, you become a member for life. The end.

 

Ok lastly, hypnotist Helmet Kirchmeier 38 was practising at home and accidentally hypnotised himself in front of the mirror. His wife Joanna knew he was ‘under’ when his pupils became very small – message to all teachers out there – if their pupils are huge, they’re on drugs, but if small then they’re only hypnotised – your choice. Helmet said, “I understand the techniques and how powerful they were. I put myself in a deep state and lost all sense of time around me.” – Hang on teachers…change that...everyone’s on drugs…and probably hypnotised too. Helmet is also a sword swallower and on his debut act he put himself in intensive care after an altercation with a 4ft sabre. You’d think he might have practised first. Teachers, please try this at home…it may help.

 

Ta ta

 

just cf it

cf

 

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