Crazy Fool's Newsround - 1st - 7th Febuary 08 volume 269

1st - 7th Febuary 08 volume 269
February, 07th 2008 23:37 PM

productions presents

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: 1943, Von German-land. Steve 'I' McQueen has been rounded up in the Barbarella wire and the Hun are giving him a good kicking. James 'Up hill' Gardener is extracting the gold teeth from the recently deceased Donald 'where's you trousers – un' Pleasance, in order to pay off the Hun as they descend on the pair. James 'teeth' Coburn...what did happen to him? David MaCallam is invisible and playing havoc with the guards in Stalag 123 – moving the guns, tipping the helmets, all kinds of crazy-capes. Cut to Richard 'not as good as his brother' Attenborough and Gordon 'Glenda' Jackson who are about to board the bus with fool...all are dressed as chickens. Col. Von Luger questions them at the bus doors and halts momentarily at fool, eyeing him suspiciously...

Col. Von Luger: Is that you fool? (He asks in German)

fool: Aint nobody here but us chickens (He replies in perfect German)

Co. Von Luger: Hmmm, ok. Have a good trip (He says in perfect English to Glenda)

'Glenda': Thank you very much (He replies in perfect English)

fool: Oh cluck (He clucks in perfect chicken)

Narrator: The three are chicken marched to a waiting truck, as Danny the Pole rows off down the Danube, and Dave MaCallam is caught back in the Colonels hut in Stalag 123, whilst trying on his private stash of stockings and suspenders.

Narrator: And credits...music...and quiz...

1. What did happen to James Coburn?

2. What was discovered by Garcia Lopez de Cardenas in 1540?

3. Who's first top ten UK hit was titled September?

4. What is the final line in the film Gone With The Wind?

5. Where on your body are the Mounts of the Sun, Mercury and Venus?

6. If you are an encratic person, what do you possess?

7. Where did Indian ink originally come from?

8. What is a centaur? A) half-human, half-bull B) half-horse, half-griffin C) half-horse, half-human

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results – or just shout abuse at him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? He's back and he's pissed – apparently that means he's rather annoyed in Yank – nay less, the Eagle, who is most definitely not Yank, is back, and on the hotline last week quicker than you can say, 'where's my Carmen Miranda hat?' And had the correct answer to this chirpy wee number - “I took a shine to Tootsie and got a lifetime award for it.” - Who was of course Charles Durning. But to this week's, which is week No.6 and clue No. 1, “From an amateur actor I went on to become a professional.”

Scores at the end of week 5 in the 2008 series.

Dracule: 3

Legal Eagle: 1

Others: 147!

is it me?

*Non-descript trivia moment*

APOCALYPTIC HORSE COLOUR

WAR white . SLAUGHTER red . FAMINE black . DEATH pale

fool's Gold

The average shelf life of a latex condom is about two years

Dracula is the most filmed story of all time

“Venus observa” is the technical term for the “Missionary position”

Dr. Phil O'logy, our Wordman's word of the week:

"Phat" is also a word that frequently is given a false acronymic origin. The exact acronym varies with the telling, Pretty Hot And Tempting, Pretty Hips And Thighs, and Pussy Hips Ass Tits have all been suggested. There is no evidence supporting any acronymic origin.

"phat" is simply a slang respelling of fat. Such respellings are common in slang. And fat has a long history of meaning rich, abundant, or desirable.

Thanks Dr. Phil.

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy. P.s. Can't wait for the new recipe book too!

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Gonna need a bigger gravy boat! This week I've been eating my steak with salad – no gravy required. They're in the*classifieds. Call them for their meat list – they deliver – they're great – available in Saigon, Vietnam now.

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

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*classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

*Digger; has taken a spot of R&R this week and will be back next week.

*Trigger is also taking advantage of the TET hol's here in balmy Saigon-land and will also return next week.

cf's new radio show: - few minor technical problems recently! But hopefully the horizontal scroll bar for: start, pause, rewind, ff, and the volume, which nowadays is located above crazy fool's newsround blue menu button on the left, will put you back on course. Be aware it will automatically go back to the beginning when you click on other pages, but then that's what the buttons are for. Please bare with us, it is the first one, and of course, its nice to get the feedback, keep it coming. Next show out in March – recorded in February - hold on to your fart.

*Tit-bits – After nearly 45 years of marriage/...I love my job/... and today's word...and maybe some pics?

*Grub–Up – It's a bugger peeling tomatoes but it's worth it, so I'm going back to me olde favourite Gazpacho soup or as me old mate Digger says, Gestapo soup. Either way it's pretty good and taken from one of fool's book's mentioned in his book club – can you guess which one? – Get some down yer, it's good for yer.

Poetry Corner: Reliving my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫

*Fishman – It's fish season down on the Island so give him a call – for more details click on his blue menu button - *On The Pond.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – Are booked for a marmalade session on crazy fool's radio show in March – don't miss em.

Mr. Meaner... contrary to popular belief the fool is getting leaner, so watch out.

But now folks it’s ruggerflyby; and just what did happen this week?

Have left proceedings a tad late this week, so will zip through the show as quick as I can – hooray I hear you cry.

Eddie O' Sullivan says he was overall pleased with Ireland's dire 16-11 win over Italy at Croke Park – a win that saw them having to defend their 5 point lead with all they had.

If only Bortulissi's kicking was better on the day!

But back to Eddie and his defence of their winning start, “You want to hit the ground running, but historically you don't. After the initial shadow boxing of the first 10 or 15 minutes we played some good rugby.”

Ireland travel to France this Saturday and if anything is to be judged on form they should get a whacking...but they won't.

Gordan D'Arcy will be a loss with a broken arm, but they'll improve...still lose 26-10, but will improve.

Bread of Heaven:

Don't horse-shit yourself – no-one saw this coming – the two Welsh tries in 16 minutes to snatch their first win at England's HQ for 20 years – 26-19 – thoroughly deserved it.

England were going swimmingly then suddenly stopped for tea; Phil Vickery, “It's a bitter disappointment. I feel such a mixed bag of emotions because you saw the best and worst of England in one match.”

That and Hook, Jenkins, Shanklin, Ryan and Williams were fantastic, also helped along by splutterings of poise from the Henson fella.

But then when you've got, and what probably is the best coaching set-up on any circuit at the moment in Gatland, Edwards and Howley, you'd get plenty of motivation, as Williams pressed home, “A winning mentality is a huge part of it and that has come from Shaun and Warren. We are the same players but we showed a lot of maturity in closing the game out.” - How did England let Shaun go?

There are no excuses, but its a darn shame to see players like Tindall (liver), Strettle (foot) and Rees (everything) out for the tournament, especially as they just missed the World Cup through injuries.

England go to Rome on Sunday and if they'd listened to Martin Johnson on the eve of the tournament they might be in a better position, he said, “Don't worry too much about style, just make sure you win.”

Now, the game has, “a potential to be a real banana skin”, as Dewi Morris quipped.

England will overcome Italy's forward might and ram it home 21-7.

Ooh la fucking bastard la:

Marc Lievremont 39 was happy with his 6 new bloods and happy with the whole team, but most of all happy with the scoreline 27-6.

“I'm pleased with the way we played the game – trying to attack and keep possession.” - They attacked from every bloody where didn't they!

They also defended from the fat lad Jock pack too, as Marc went on to say, “There was some hard combat, in the nicest sense of the word.”

Although big Frank Hadden was full of praise for the French he was none too pleased with the ball, “We certainly didn't expect them to get so many fortuitous bounces, there is no doubt about that.”

“Their three tries all came from the way the rugby ball bounces unfortunately.”

Whereas any sniff Scotland had in the French 22 was described by Frank as being, “rabbits caught in the headlights.” - Yep, Scotland, you now have to learn to score.

Scotland go to Wales and that will be huge – I'd love to say they'll do it, but they won't and Wales will edge past 21-18.

small chunks:

The ARU continues to struggle with money and they're domestic players. If you didn't know any better, you might say they were fucked!

They had a loss of 7m from the AU$8m this year! And now boss John O'Neill has finally agreed it's time to bring in some Specific islanders to bolster their domestic game.

“After Fiji went so well in the World Cup, Pat (Howard) put me through where they are all playing – which is in the UK, and most of them weren't on exorbitant salaries.”

“They should be playing closer to home and we can manage it.” - Why? – You never wanted them before.

However, the Wallaby's have added a Barbarian game to their end of season European tour and it will be at none other than Wembley.

They already have England, Italy, France and Wales pencilled in and are working on an All Blacks fixture in Hong Kong, which has been described as semi-permanent.

John Smit’s bloody on going films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV – : Will be finished in 2008!

Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool's thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. 1.

Other results:

Some Heineken Cups: April next slot

Some Internationals: European Nations Cup – Georgia 31-3 Portugal

England EDF Trophy: Plymouth Albion 23-3 Pertemps Bees

England Nat, 1: Na

France; Pro D2 11eme: pas

France Top 14: Stade Francais 23-18 Albi

Ireland's AIL level 1; Clontarf 23-11 Garryowen – on his own again. Perhaps he should play Gordon.

Italy; Siera A XIII: No, no, no

Japan Top League: Kobe Kobelco Steelers 28-26 IBM Big Blue

Scotland's premiership: Melrose 19-13 Harwick

Netherlands: smoking dope

Spain's Div D Honour 11: Valladolid 29-25 Getxo

Wales Konica Cup: Isn't it...No!

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Herschelle Gibbs' century steered the Proteas to a comfortable 8 wkt win and their 5^th straight over the Windies in J'burg last week.

Fittingly Pollock hit the winning runs in his last ever game and there were Polly banners all over the crowd, however none of them any good.

And England swept past New Zealand's Twenty20 team twice, with lots of fun from Dimitri Mascahernas' four 6's on the trot.

Fat lad Styris lookied quite fat and even fatter lad Jessie Ryder make his TV (widescreen) debut – go the fat lads.

Till next week…

Other sports:

none

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

It's TET here in Nam so even the fool's brain has temporarily shut down, but I do have these couple of tales:

It's carnival time in Rio de Janeiro and 50,000 people crammed into the streets to watch the semi naked parade, where 20m free condoms were distributed. - That's 1, 2, 3, 4...loads of shags per person.

Being the year of the rat and the UK has joined in the festivities by letting itself be over run by 80m brown rats – that 1.3 for every Britain.. It's also a 39% increase since 2000. Everyone reckons its since the council started the weekly rubbish collection fortnightly – can't see it.

The Chinese link the rat with wealth, war, death and pestilence. Hygeine boffs go for Weils, Salmonella, tuberculosis, E.coli and foot and mouth. - And James Cagney never said it.

Voted the scariest film monster by a voting thingy-ma-jig this week was: Alien (1979) 2. Creeper (Jeepers Creepers 2001) 3. Shark (Jaws 75) 4. Chucky (Childs Play 88) and 5. Pinhead (Hellraiser 87).

A holiday hotel guest in Hobart, Tasmania was delivered a human eyeball by mistake when the cabbie made a mistake on the way to the hospital – well, he didn't know what was inside the box did he.

cf's book club (own page come week 10...maybe...maybe not!)

Continues to grow by a book a week, that believe it or not, is what the fool has read in this time slot!

And until it gets its own page, here's week's 1 – 7:

Starting with Week 2: Mark Hadden's - The Curious Incident With The Dog in the night-time a rather curious tale about a demented kid! – rating: 4.

Week 1 (Confused now eh!) Ben Elton's; The First Casualty – If a word can paint a thousand pictures then Telly Savalas should have written this - rated in at 5.

For a number three spot on the board this week, fool is going to throw in The Essential Dave Allen; edited by Graham McCann – rated at 3 and curiously enough 4.

And in at No.4: Martin Johnson's autobiography; Good read, but I tell you what, it's all about 'me, me, me', 'I did this.' And, 'I did that...' - rating 4.

Week 5: The General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious PIRATES by Captain Charles Johnson – arghhh, a number 3.

In at week No.6 I'm going to add The Cortigo Romero Book of Recipes – to find out more click on Bootlace Holidays link on the right.- rating:3

Week 7: Forgotten Voices of the Great War by Max Arthur...a poignant tale of historical value told by dems dat were dere. Rated at a 4.

Week 8: Ben Elton's (again) Dead Famous – Wind yourself up to some non-credit wankers whom Ben manages to pin point with accurate precision. Particularly love the bitch character Geraldine Hennessey. Rated at 5.

Week 9: Horrible Histories; Rotten Romans – fantastic series for kids of all ages. Written by Terry Deary and illustrated by Matthew Brown...I think. Rated at 3

Week 10: Penguins Stopped Play eleven village cricketers take on the world by Harry Thompson – cricket at its best, in its quite essential way of course...no, fuck that - simply one of the most entertaining books fool's ever read, whether you like cricket or not. Rated in at 5

The Ratings go as thus:

Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XX: Janis Joplin once said, “On stage I make love to 25,000 different people. Then I go home alone.” - Which isn't really surprising when you look at her.

Peter Kay's corner (Very Cooper-esque): 'A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals' – What do you mean you didn't even bother reading till the end!

Ok, lastly NASA are to play the Beatles' Across The Universe on radio waves billions of miles north of the star Polaris, which is nice because its the 50^th anniversary of NASA and the 40^th of that particular Beatles song – uncanny eh!

The song will travel at 186,000 miles per second and will get to Polaris, which is 431 light years away in 2439.

Paul said, “Amazing! Well done, NASA! Send my love to the aliens.”

Whereas Yoko proved she's got her feet firmly on space-dust, “I'm sure this is the beginning of the new age in which we will communicate with billions of planets.” - What, not even gonna say hello, Yoko?