Crazy Fool's Newsround - 1st-7th Dec '06' v.215

1st-7th Dec '06' v.215
December, 07th 2006 02:53 AM

(In the darkness of suspicion under a moonless night Dave saddles up to Reg ‘the fence'.)

Dave: "What yer got Reg?"

Reg the fence: "Good one today Dave, I got 2 kilo's o' flat head nails, 12 four be two, metre ‘n half length uprights, 6 bags o' Post Mix - the good stuff mind, and a 144 metres of cut and weather finished timber panels."

Dave: "Right, I'll take all of you!"

That you Reg?

When they come knocking on your door, how you gonna come? I'd love to think Butch and Sundance stylee, or James Cagney - ‘See mee ma, top of the world ma...thddddddd (sound of machine gun) or was it Zzzzzzzz, sound of the electric armchair crackle?' What about Dick Turpin, ‘stand and deliver' - my arse. Did they ever hang him? And what about The Scarlet Pimpernell, Robin Hood, Dennis the Menace? They shot Ned then hung him, but what about Beaux Gest...did he just join to forget? Did he just join to forget? Did he just join to forget? Did he...(slap) Either way there was always something a bit feisty and, well death like with all those bally heroes on their come-up pence day. Maybe I'll just come nicely...like the milkman. ‘With your hands on your head or the trigger of your gun?'

It really is white coat time folks, but afore ye go try these:

1. Which one of these is the odd one out, A) Robin Hood B) Ned Kelly C) Dick Turpin.

2. Which cricketer was the first British sportsman to appear in a major advertising campaign?

3. Gene Hackman played cop Popeye Doyle in which classic thriller?

4. Who is Popeye's rival?

5. What sort of fish is a kipper?

6. In which country is Pago Pago airport?

7. Who won the Australian Open as a Yugoslavian in 1993 and as an American citizen in 1996?

8. In the Monty Python Parrot sketch, who played the shopkeeper, the customer and what breed was the parrot?

Answers, as always (nearly) on comps & results in http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ And if you need to powder your ponder on this week's, the great, WHO AM I? ‘It's the Great Gatsby' ‘Nay, shush me lad...get off this page, you idiot, I'm busy' Sorry about that. This week's answer to last week's number billionth clue is or was, now I'm confused, indeed Captain flipping Birdseye - the agonising suspense was getting me twitchy, nnerr, ner, nnerrr. So for clue No.1 in the all new WHO AM I? Is...‘The first noise I made was when someone stuck their hand up my arse.'

Is it me?

Or me?

Meanwhile back on the old devil called love brigade, let's praise the Lord for; Pacharan and their tapas and bodego, GTM, who probably have the best leisure and garden furniture in the world, Fosters who sell a drop or two of that amber nectar, Vasco's where everybody knows your name, Bootlace Holidays, where it truly is a trip of a lifetime. Blue Gecko, a place to forget and Inkslinger Tattoo's which will never let you forget!

Right, rattling on the print machine this week are *Digger and his ranting raves. *Trigger and his fortunes told. And would you Adam & Eve it; *Comps & results, *Grup-up, *Poetry corner, *Tit-bits, *Sport, *T.I.V. *Archives, *Ashes and more, so much phoarrr!

‘Get on with it'...'yeah, get on with it.'

Ok you fiends...you asked for it, here goes...

Rugby round-up

cf's brief squint at the last couple of week's rugby's furore's showed us that the ever growing Oil Slick from the land of the long white cloud has well and truly polluted the Isles of Britain with a stain so intent on dominance that ironically only England's white shirts faired a slap on the back, with only but much akin-ness to a smothering Black hold of a Heinrich manoeuvre - they soon coughed up their worth in latter performances!
The red shirts of Wales to the west looked full of promise on the opening bell, but soon were also asphyxiated by the marauding Black tide.
France lay gasping for air after the first Black wave and never really recovered. And the Bonnie Jock of the Scotland were in no fit shape to paddle a leaking boat out of the chunky, overflowing black gold force.
It's fair to say that Ireland's greenery lay intact and often flourished on occasions, but without sufficient subsidiary peat bogs, which are necessary to replenish, what will be a battered world cup campaign, how can they possibly play on the same turf?

The tide is turning

And what of the other Autumnal tourists - Starting with Argentina; proved to have enough brain and brawn. The Boks; there's a long way to go before their beef is matched by brawn. And Australia; as far as cf can see they have either had one almighty in house bitch fight and don't want to play anymore or their noted coach ‘Knuckles' Connolly is doing a worse job than Robbo did!
Talking of which, Rob Andrew isn't taking the England job, Gloucester coach and tipped No.1, Dean Ryan isn't taking the England job. Favoured by many, but also seen as not a likely coach, Jonno, isn't taking the England job - Give it to that Zimbabwean cunt Duncan Fletcher why not, he knows fuck all about cricket! More of that later.
Ex Aussie coach who took them (Australia) to the world cup final Eddie Jones is sniffing for the England job. He wants it till the world cup - he won't get it. But he and other Aussie ex top knob, and world cup winning boss Bob Dwyer reckon Englishman Andy Farrell is the king-pin to England's woes - no real news there, it's just a question of when he will start.

Bob spoke after the World XV lost 7-32 against the centenary touring Boks, he said of Farrell, "You have to have him in the side as soon as possible. The more he plays, the easier it will be. If I were in charge I'd play him for England next week, let alone the 6 Nations or the world cup." - By the way England aren't playing next week. First game is on 3^rd Feb ‘07' against Scotland in the 6 Nations.
‘Enough of that cf, get on with the ricket.'

Irish flat screen tv

; Right ho'. Cup of tea first though. Ok. And now....
The Ashes - the 2^nd dust-up
And well, really, by fuckety, what a debacle. What else could you possibly say? Said every Englishman this side of reason. And yes of course, what a win, lauded every Aussie this side of the ECC - no not the English Cricket Club but the English Comedy Club.

Now that's comedy

Possibly the best moment of the game was to forget it and reminisce about the first game when Mike Atherton demonstrated the gaping cracks in the Brisbane wicket by putting his hand down one, leading David Gower to commentate, "Have you ever seen a crack like that?" - Needless to say it took Mike a while to answer.

Brisbane wicket

But back to England's magnificent collapse of 9 wickets in just 60 runs. And Australia's mentality, backed by sheer brilliance in the physical ability of Shane Warne. First he instigated a notion, then fear then complete jitters and finally blew over a pack of failing cards.

A fantastic collapse

Freddie quite simple said, "I never want to feel like that again."

Let's just let that sink in for a bit.
And now back to the truth of it, as Fred expressed again, "For four days we played some fantastic cricket. But we lost in one hour this final morning. It just shows you, one bad hour in Test cricket can cost the game." - That's ok Fred, most Englishmen believe you did a Hansie - at least they'd feel better if you did!

What a rollercoaster series

Ok, re-gather. Let's not get turned on by some of the positives from England that did come out of this Test, notably Hoggard's 7-109, Colly's double and KP's grit, but let a master describe his moment. No, I'm not talking about the potentially next meritorious Don, I think you know who I mean - what is it 33 tons, and he's still only aged about 13!
No cf's talking about the bird arse slapping, balding, beer gutted, prawn swilling, gob shiter that is Warney, and his equation of day 5's events; "I didn't think I could bowl much better than I did today. Every ball was like a hand grenade. I didn't bowl much garbage - maybe 6 bad balls." - Yeah, all good mate, but do you have to use American words like garbage?

Guess who?

The young Don, as mentioned above, is happy, but not getting over excited, he said, "I've not thought about winning the Ashes yet. I'm just happy and excited about what we have achieved here. It's one of the all time great Test wins, as far as I'm concerned. Turning Tests around like this just doesn't happen." - Lap it up Potato Head...doh...The Young Don!

Guess who 2?

But if, but if...If Giles caught Punter, if Strauss wasn't given out, if Bell didn't run a needless single - if if's and and's were pots and pans...
Pots and pans eh...spaghetti...corned beef...baaaaacon...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
But in all its pigs ear-ness you have to doff a cap to the Punter and Warne.

Big pig

Ok. Let's hear what a couple of English pundits said after round 2, and while you're there see if you can see a connection;
Atherton; "Australia were 74-3 and you drop the No.1 batsman in the world. It was a big moment."
Duncan Fletcher; "We have no regrets about our selection."
Alec Stewart; "It's hugely disappointing, and that is being polite."
Mike Gatting; "You have to play your five best bowlers and that should include Monty Panesar. Why he is not playing is extraordinary."
Duncan Fletcher on Monty after the summer Tests; "He's the best finger spinner in the world."
Ian Botham; "Fletcher's a cunt."
Ok, nerd stats; William Hill's odds for the rest of the series:
Fletcher to go before the end; 12-1.
England to lose the series before Christmas; 4-9.
England to win the series 3 - 2; 66-1.
England to retain the Ashes 16-1.
Australia to make it 5 - 0; 7-4
100-1 on Australia to win the series.
And that was it for this week's Ashes instalment - tune in next week where cf'll teach you how to how to overcome the fear of leather.

leather

In other ricket news Shaoib Akthar and Mohammed Asif have had their playing bans lifted after their defence said that they didn't know you weren't allowed to take drugs. Good on the PCB. _ World cheating games coming soon, where Africa and Asia will excel

But now...the other bits...
Impotence will no longer be a problem men...well I hope its men. Boffs at the New York's, Albert Einstein College of Medicine have come up...ha ha...come up with an injection, wait for it, to the base of the penis...yowser! That'll last 6 months. Hang on, that can't be right. Does that mean a rock-on for 6 months or...doesn't matter.

Get this; Boffs at a London hospital are also developing a spray that'll cure premature ejaculation. - Just what is man turning into? One minute he can't get it up then when he does he's suddenly carrying more handkerchiefs. ‘What do you want for Christmas love?' "Oh, the usual...oh no, better make that double, I've lost my spray!"

Only one problem with that spray

Sir Paul McCartney - you know him, he became famous for marrying a one legged money syphoner. Anyhow, to keep up with her demands he just sold the lyrics to his 1968 song, ‘Maxwell's Silver Hammer' for £97k at N.Y.'s Christie's.

At the same auction Jimi Hendrix' Fender Stratocaster (guitar, not spaceship bumper) went for £85k. And, yes there's more...Britney Spears' high school notebook went for a whopping £120...yeah, no k on the end of that one. See, just shows you, you can't put a price on talent.

priceless

A recent survey in Britain found that 20 million Brits are getting some kind of nookie over a 24 hour period. Pah, five minutes would do me.

Someone's getting it

An asteroid travelling at 28,000 kmph, with the force of 65,000 atom bombs, called Apophis may or may not hit earth on Friday 13^th April 2029. It will come closer to earth than your favourite TV satellite. And if it doesn't hit then, it will 7 years later. I make that about...hmmm...errr...what...tea time? Anyway ex Apollo extraordniarynut Rusty Scweichert aged 71 (Probably very mental) says, "We need to act." - Thanks Rusty - you old fart.

Space 2029

The Queen is getting less posh. Prof Jonathan Harington said, "In 1952 she would have said, ‘Thet men in the bleck het.' Now it would be, ‘That man in the black hat.'" - Just who is that man?

That's who

By 2020 Boffs will have an outpost on the moon, similar to that of the one at the South Pole. It will essentially be a boffs hang out where they do boff stuff, but also a stopping point or indeed service station for those en-route to Mars! - You'd think they'd build something more than just a wooden hut eh.

Ok, lastly, granny Fulla Nayak is 120 and apparently the oldest woman in the world. The lass from India puts it all down to smoking cannabis cigars daily swigged down with some strong palm wine. She lives with her 92 year old daughter and 72 year old grandson. You gotta love that. - Their all Fulla ganja.

Fulla smoke

Just cfn it.
cf

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