That was the week weren't it; The European leg:

The scene: Marcel Marceau is at a fancy dress party with Milli Vanilli. Marcel is dressed as a mime and Milli as Henry VIII. fool is a jester.

Milli: Bet you don't recognise me in this beard.

fool: The beard looks real, but it's the head that looks fake.

Marcel: "..."

Narrator: "..." - Roll the quiz:

1.  In what year did Hair the musical first hit the world stage?

2.  Who did Muhammad Ali beat when he first became world champion?

3.  What two actors have refused their Oscars?

4.  What is Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy more commonly known as?

5.  On what road did Nellie the Elephant meet the head of the herd?

6.  What was Dirty Harry's surname?

7.  How much does a litre of water weigh?

8. What is the golfer Tiger Wood's real first name? A) Caleb B) Eldrick C) Timothy

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page - or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com  if you think you want to send in this weeks answers. (it's same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? There is still no room at the inn for wild offerings, however much them be cradled with Frankensteinal precision and mirth. So without needing a pooh, here's a reminder of the Main Comp's, clues so far: Clue No.1: "I am the king of the swinger's inspiration." Clue No.2: "In a way I could have been sleeping in the authors back garden!" and to Clue No.3: "My hair maybe wild, but my thoughts are innocent."

is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp - check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 28 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in - confused? Good.

For those who like their answers in the note ♫ there it was:

Dracule: 14 (1,1)

Legal Eagle: 10 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 4 (1 or 1, 1 not sure!)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: There are no others...

Quote for the week:

As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs. I can do without the rock n roll.

Mick Shrimpton, Spinal Tap

*Non-descript trivia moment*

KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE

Lancelot . Tristram . Lamorack . Tor . Galahad . Gawain . Palomides . Kay . Mark . Mordred

fool's Gold

• For TV beer commercials, they add liquid detergent to the beer to make it foam more

• The average male will spend 2,965 hours shaving during his lifetime

• Women shoplift more than men; the statistics are 4 to 1

Dr. Phil Ology's word of the week:

I've invited my cousin Frasier O'logy (We just call him Fraze) to reveal the story of "the hair that bit the dog" , given that he uses it so often. Over to you Fraze....

Thanks Phil......The phrase comes from the expression.... Nah fuggit, I'm goin' for a beer.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Are Thursdays; They come around too quick, smack of the weekend, completely unprepare you for Friday and kid you into thinking you have more time to do stuff on the Wednesday than you really do, and on top of that there's only one of them...BASTARDS!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors...

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. - What's news on the sand-pits mate? - By all accounts the prototype is looking good.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD:  Got any Four n twenty pies?

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Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye - look out for their superb long-lunch deals - they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam - is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds - something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what's on in cfn this week? - Remember, there's a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; Is Didak a dildo, is Heath a joker and do you really think Collingwood will beat the Saints?

*Trigger: says to keep your money in your sky rocket this week as there's nothing worth running

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in... yep, definitely September - oh yes, and to the fella who said he'll even produce it if it goes out regularly...you're on, yes, you know who you are!

*Tit-bits - .../...some old blonde bits

*Grub-Up - * New- New - new* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters - it's the proverbial's (new one next week - didn't realise it was Thursday already!)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment - try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ  ♫...will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman - Read all the Fishman's tails in On The Pond, May ‘08' - new one out NOW folks - something to do with an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver - it's all happening on the island. - Something new coming soon on the Rainbow Warrior - me thinks!

And *Bongo Massif Bro's - just waiting for the manager now. Any time now...

Mr. Meaner...  forget Goa, Saigon music festival is what after this December...

Now; the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk et all; but please, if you're not keen do move on:

The southern hemispheric ally minded scene knocked out another international for us this week, which was nice if you live there or indeed in Vietnam, which has the best sports coverage in the world, but alas the fool is still in a terrestrially sports free zone and can only go on how he imagined it...

New Zealand bounced back 39-10 to beat Australia in what turned out to be the last game at Eden Park before the South Stand is revamped for the 2011 World Cup.

Retribution for last week was never far off the cards for the men in Black and they achieved it quite comfortably, with a style that will almost certainly win any game - forward domination.

At four tries to one, two a piece from Tony Woodcock and Ma'a Nonu the Blacks set about their demolition with almost perfect scrums and lineouts. The fact that Australia lost eight of their 16 throws and New Zealand only one from nine led Mortlock to comment, "That (the lineouts) really seemed to stall our continuity."

From that kind of possession any team grows in confidence and at 18-3 up on 25 minutes the blistering McCaw knew his team were onto a winner, "As our confidence grew it became easier." Which it certainly did, even Cowan and Ellis didn't juggle with fake blood injuries on the touch line.

There wasn't much to write home about from the Wallabies apart from the frank admission from Deans; "It was a pretty good performance by the All Black's." and, "We came a distant second."

Henry was obviously relieved and goes into the MB game knowing his team has what it takes to win the big ones, apart from of course, ‘the big one's'

Henry said this, "Tactically they played very well. We changed the game plan and the guys executed it exceptionally well." Which reminds me of that South Stand again; it holds the changing rooms, where trap doors were installed for the visiting Boks on their 1981 tour!

The Blacks take on the MB's next Tri Nations game and although it will be hard to win in South Africa Henry is buoyant and says this week's win, ‘gives a wee bit of relief from the pressure." - Yes, mostly yours.

The MB's host a Puma XV at the Coca-cola Stadium in Jo'burg this weekend as a ‘warm up' game prior to entertaining New Zealand, seen as they've had three week's off and it's interesting to see Contemponi is playing due to Hernandez' hand injury. Contemponi wasn't in the original 22, now he's captain!

Some shorts

A Tongan XV beat a World invitation XV 60-26 in honour of the coronation of the King George Tupou V, who arrived for the game in a chauffer driven London Cab. Colin Charvis captained the world team...did you know he once played for England! He said, "It was a good fun game." Other internationals who got pissed up and donned their boots that day were: Jeremy Paul, Semo Sititi, Ben Gollings and Josh Kronfeld.

Jaw breaker Matt Henjak is enjoying life at Toulon and says, "I haven't a bad word to say about the place." Well, they did give him a beach house and a car, and he's soon to start language lessons. Who knows you might even see him make it back in Aus as from next year their Super 14 sides will accept foreigners.

Matt Burke who has already played his last game for the Newcastle Falcons will play his last game again as they play the Western Force this weekend currently on tour in the UK.

Meanwhile the NZRU are considering the possibility of telling the French not to bother coming in 2009 if they can't bring a full strength side. News has just reached French authorities that their Top 14 Championships will not be finished in time to release their top players. - Bloody French, is all you can say to that.

Raphael Ibanez (French) 35 is to replace Dally as captain at Wasps (9 trophies in 8 years) and revelled in the humbleness of it all, "Lawrence is a great leader. Nobody will ever replace him." - There goes Haskell's dream.

But not Sgt. Wilko's dream, who's hinted that he wants England's top job, "This is a team you would look at and say immediately it would be an honour to lead." - Gotta shake off the DC first mate, although I reckon you'd fit in nicely at No.12. - Jonno, what d'ya reckon?

That world cup's looming, and the fool will not be taking big money bets on England for too much longer

John Smit's; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV - : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 - the fool promises!

Called the John Smit's XV, as he's the current World Cup winning captain, so we've got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15.    Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood  13. The Patriot  12. The Great Race  11. Pink Panther  10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs  8. Braveheart  7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone  6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.   2. Simpsons Hooray Henry crook 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England lost a second consecutive series to South Africa, Vaughan resigned, Colly resigned and KP nutted it as England captain, but Freddie's back and he's pissed!

Well sort of, he's pissed off; well he was in the third Test at Headingly when his plumb lbw off Kallis's big toe was not awarded by Aleem Dar. Freddie said, "I can't remember what I said to Aleem. It was just chuntering, an aimless rant, I think." - Chuntering?

He did apologise to Aleem after, but chuntering? He continued, "My beans were going, emotions took over - but we're friends again." - Beans?

Freddie did go onto take four wickets in that innings and his 200^th came up against Neil McKenzie, although some may say that his wickets in the ‘Super Test' in the Australia v Rest of the World match in 2005 shouldn't count.

Vaughan 33 called it a day after the series loss saying, "It's the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but also the easiest." - I think that's quite easy to work out - something to do with ‘5 years...heart and soul...mind...mental.'

He's keeping his options open and no doubt itching to play in the Ashes in '09 - Also the case for Colly, who may not have made that door open for a peek if he hadn't knocked 135* about in his first innings.

Colly was full of praise for his skipper after his own fine efforts, "Vaughan told me, ‘Don't be reckless but be aggressive.'. I enjoyed having that freedom from the skipper - going out trying to take the bowlers on. That's how I play my best cricket." - Just not for the past three months Colly however, it's good to see you back.

KP is there now, the man with the once blue hair who came to England 8 years ago after being fed up with the quota system in South Africa. Tim Ambrose likes his style, "Kev works off a slightly different sheet to the rest of us. He thinks in different ways to everyone else. It's exciting. They say geniuses are wired slightly different." - I think he left out an e.

Graeme Smith said he was at a South African Embassy bash the other day where it hasn't gone down well at all, "People there were angry at Kevin becoming England captain." - Oh dear, what a shame, never mind, dirty Yarpies.

Till next week...

Other sports:

The Olympics have opened up shop in China's Beijing just in time for Yank 200m gold medallist at Athens in breastroke swimmer and ex Playboy model Amanda Beard to pose nude on a huge banner in the Olympic Village and really piss off the authorities, more so than the Tibetan protestors. They probably think everyone's just come to take the piss out of them.

In her anti fur mini protest she got a lot of exposure and said, "Be comfortable in your own skin - don't wear fur." - It's a pity we can't see hers.

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Women spend, no, exhaust, hmmm, no, burn, yep that's it. Women burn 12000 calories a year shopping. On their average trip they trek 2.02 miles at five trips a month. That works out at 121.2 miles a year and at 100 calories a mile that's 12,120 calories or 43 Mars bars. Men do on average 8,928. Brits in the meantime spend ₤4,321.20 on shopping with ₤2,016.60 on clothes, ₤1,093.80on books, CD's and DVD's and ₤610.80 on cosmetics. Have you seen any men in manscara or guyliner yet?

Someone who still hasn't made his final trek yet is Scotty aka James Doohan from Star Trek. He's been dead since 2005 and recently failed in his third attempt to have his ashes scattered into space. This time the rocket Space X Falcon 1 blew up over the sPacific, along with 207 other people on board. The Texan firm Celestis specialises in ‘memorial spaceflights'. Well the sPacific's pretty big, he'll be happy with that. James' son Elrick said, "My dad believed in human destiny. That it took several attempts to achieve orbit would not have fazed him." - Poor bugger just wanted to be buried.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXIX! Proper modern one this week: Gerry Rafferty 61 had a five day whisky booze bender in his London hotel room, wrecking it. Westbury Hotel boss Alex Higgins said, "It's extremely sad. He was in self destruct mood." - Perhaps he heard about Scotty. Did you know he also wrote Stealer Wheel's stuck in the middle with you and is from Glasgow - Gerry, not Scotty - he's a Canadian.

Peter Kay corner - very Cooper-esque; His questions: "What do you call male ballerinas?"

Keeping with the space theme, NASA have declared that there is water on Mars. The Phoenix lander nabbed a soil sample, stuck it in the oven and deduced that the resulting liquid contained melted ice. William Boynton of the University of Arizona said, "We have water. We've seen evidence of this water ice before but this is the first time Martian water has been touched and tasted." - Would you taste it?

Hot on the kiddies Christmas list this err Christmas are Rubik's cubes, making a comeback from 1981, and those that have never gone away, Lego and Scalextric. Every house should come with a Scalextric or a Hornby railway set-up in the loft - And a nice pub just around the corner to top it off. How difficult would it be to make a decision on a property then? Sorry, just getting side-tracked there about property buying, but think about it...location, location, location - Bollocks...open plan kitchen, 50inch flat screen TV, Lego, Scalextric, pub.

Nudist Gavin Rigby 34 fell down a slope whilst sunbathing at a lake in Gosport, Hants UK and fell on spike that stuck three inches into his groin. He was there for half an hour before help came and said, "It was about three inches in. It was quite painful." - Yeah, right, one; how many 34 year old's bathe nude at lakes and two: someone who says it was just quite painful was probably not showing any strain and just looked odd, no wonder help didn't come for half an hour.

Lastly German's on a border town with Poland are complaining that they are being watched by the Poles as they bathe naked on a beach. What's going on heir? Ines Muller (man or woman?) said, "You feel like an ape in a zoo. The Poles come with their binoculars and stare and swear." This has all happened since a fence was taken down in 2007 in the border town on Swineminds on the Baltic Sea. Keen whop em out girl Elke Bernholz says, "It's a nudist beach. It's terrible that the Poles come over dressed and stare." One of the Poles (unnamed) glanced away from his hideout and said, "It's horrible, we would never bathe naked, we are catholic." - Not much you can say to that.

Keep your hair on

just cf it

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