Crazy Fool's Newsround - 1st - 7th April 2011 volume 426

1st - 7th April 2011 volume 426
April, 06th 2011 20:00 PM

“My complexion she said is much too white

He said come here and step into the light he says hmmm you’re right”

(Bob Dylan)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lad – The One With Pat

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 7.4.11

For Elements of 4 Regiment; Army Air Corps

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

Bob Dylan - Saigon – 10^th April – www.saigonsoundsystem.com

In keeping with being completely out of sink with the rest of the world fool has donated this week’s pages to last month’s events, which in particular focussed on National Women’s Month…

Things that go bump in the night!

Sick of being hit in her sleep by a ghost, 52 year-old Gaynor Issitt sleeps with ten pillows covering her.

Regular beatings to the face and stomach have left Gaynor a quivering wreck at bed time. Amidst what appears to be ye olde stomping ground for a disgruntled ghoul, turmoil rears its chaotic head in the medium of violence.

Gaynor has been thrown down the stairs, her furniture set alight and when her friend Lee Benton 37 stayed over one night he found himself to be on the end of a black eye.

Gaynor from Braunstone, Leicester said, ‘I can’t even escape them when I leave. They pester me at Asda and followed me on holiday to Lanzarote.’

Gaynor’s ex husband was unavailable for comment.

Sofa so good

A woman in Florida can’t stop eating her house and suggests it is an addiction much akin to Charlie Sheen’s disease.

Mother of five, Adele Edwards regularly munches her way through elastic bands and the odd plant but her favourite is the polyester stuffing in sofas. So far she has gobbled up eight settees, five chairs, and 16st of cushions.

Her plight is not uncommon, as folk who eat inedible items suffer from what is called Pica. Adele who recently had surgery to remove clumps of foam from her intestines told how it all started years ago on what she thought was quite harmless;

‘I was ten years old when I was first introduced to cushion. At first I thought it was strange but, after sucking it for a while, I came to like the texture.’

To her, foam was her sweets, But soon she was hooked on the hard stuff, such as three-piece suites and Laura Ashley lampshades, but when the money ran out she had to be satisfied with the often lethal Russian strand of the creamed cotton coolie or white round paper lantern with wire ribbing or ‘CCCP”, as is its street name. The rest, as they say will inevitably be curtains for her.

There are many terminologies for Pica, such as, Amylophagia; a pendant for starch, geophagy; the consumption of soil clay and chalk, however, coprophagy; the compulsion for faeces is apparently the hardest shit to get off.

Some people are just more than a handful!

A baker who called his outlet Nice Baps has been told to present himself before the parish council on counts of ‘improper ingenuity’.

Unsurprisingly the only complaint came from a teacher in the quiet Bedfordshire village, who bemoaned the potential of, ‘its effect on impressionable youngsters’.

John O’Toole who runs a successful bakery by the same name in a nearby village said, ‘I tried to explain to them I did small baps and big baps and they’re nice and firm.’

Following a carry on of ambiguous entendre’s John remark of shoving his sign inherendo was awarded the congressional Syd James Order of Merit

Chicks away!

The first all women flight crew took part in a combat mission this week (last month!) named operation ‘Dudette 07’.

Two US F-15E Strike Eagles provided air support for coalition and ground forces in Afghanistan. Both pilots and weapons systems officers plus all the ground crew were also of ye female demeanour.

Celebrating National Women’s Month one pilot said, ‘Sweet Alleluia, it’s nice to clear out some rag heads’

The sortie was successful

…but I saw these shoes… and then Valerie phoned…

Angelo Nicotra fell 100ft off his balcony in Birmingham and broke practically every bone in his body, but he’s not a woman, unlike an unnamed lady who drove her car off a 60ft car park in Melbourne and walked away with but cuts and bruises.

Her car drove through a barrier, hit the wall of a building opposite then slid down on its side and lay wedged in an alleyway. The lady held herself up in the driver’s seat as the passengers side took the full impact and was eventually cut free by fire crew who had 30cm’s either side to work with.

She was a tranny

Luckily the car park attendant had spotted her vain attempt to avoid the over stay and charged her accordingly, plus a booking for being illegally parked.

(Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Tom Petty’s Free Fallin is one of those classic tunes that gets played in every bar in the world and is just on the verge of driving you mental like the Eagles Hotel California who can all burn in hell as far as rock n roll’s concerned, but Tom’s fall just about catches you before breaking point and somehow manages to be tolerantly heard 16 times a night. However, fool’s not going to play him, he’s playing some Wilburys, as Bob’s in town, which incidentally came from a term George used to describe faulty equipment when talking to Lynne one day, saying, ‘we’ll bury them in the mix’ – about the Wilburys – not Bob…’

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said: ‘Got any pies?’ Hordes of fans at cf’sK last gig.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I’m so near-sighted I can’t even see my contact lenses’

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen

Wishes to thank the raffle donators who generously gave to last week’s bash which raised 2200THB for the Japan Fund:

Lunch x2; won by Christopher’s mum! Laguna Golf Club x2 rounds; won by Matt

Tour to Phi Phi Island x2; won by Bill Crump Sunday roast x2; won by Heather

Xbox 360; won by Sue

And of course fool’s Hamper, which was actually won by the missus - so it goes back in the mix!

Plus there was plenty of grub from

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

Meanwhile the Kitchen is open again for business this Friday - located at Spice Island in Boat Lagoon

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

A quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news

*An egg laying hen turned cock this week, growing a red comb and a chin wattle. Owner Jeanette Howard 79 heard a-crowing early one morning; ‘It had started cock-a-doodle-doing and had grown bits all over face.’ ‘I just thought Gertie wasn’t laying because she was miserable. But I’ve got to keep him now. I couldn’t wring his neck after what he’s been through.’ – Gertie is in fact still a hen but a lump or damage to an ovary has caused the change, which can affect 1 in 10,000 animals.

*Meanwhile Christie Carr dresses her kangaroo in suites, chauffeurs him around in her car and even lets it sleep in her bed. ‘He’s always stealing the pillow’, she said. Irwin the Red kangaroo broke its neck after running into a fence in Broken Arrow Oklahoma and is partially paralysed, which begs the question what exactly is she doing with him in that bed!

Number crunching

*Seven workers in the past two years have fallen pregnant as a result of sitting on the same blue swivel chair behind the reception desk at Best Westin Moore Place Hotel in Milton Keynes. Four lady’s have already delivered boys, three moor are expecting – don’t tell fool that’s not spooky.

*Dogs are on the increase in the UK. In 2008 there were 8m cats and 6.5m dogs. Cats rose to 9m in 2008 and dogs 8.6, but last year dogs got up to 8.3 and those figures are expected to yield 9m this year compared to 8.5m cats. Little dogs in handbags seem to be the r growing trend. Dog owners are in fact in 6.4m homes at 1.3 dogs a home, whereas cats are in 5.3m homes at 1.62. – Facts!

*A woman in Sao Paolo had an 8inch pair of scissors left in her stomach for 3 years. The surgeon said, ‘Oops.’

*12^th April marks 50 years since Yuri Gagarin had a look around earth from space. The Russians celebrated by sending his picture up there. He died in ’68 aged 34 – what of?

*Gladys Burrill has officially become the oldest lady to run a marathon aged 92. She ran the Honolulu slog in 9hrs 53mins and says her secret is to be positive; ‘just get out there and walk or run’. She didn’t run her first marathon till she was 86!

I’m off – come on Pig

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

Just cf it

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s – two in the can waiting to be uploaded – another recorded this week – knock yourself out! … still waiting!!!

p.p.s. sport is back – and a mild PotDQT with slight Fras showers will return shortly!

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

to be honest... i just fancy this...