Crazy Fool's Newsround - 19th - 25th September 08 volume 299

19th - 25th September 08 volume 299
September, 25th 2008 05:58 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: fool is reporting from the world outside America, covering the Presidential election campaigns. He is using the latest in technology; The Interestometer:

fool: And I just switch it on here (click, burp, beep splutter, fizz) …and as suspected nothing. Back to you in the studio, Giles.

Narrator: Best yet, Here’s the quiz:

best thing to come out of America

1. If if’s and and’s were pots and pans then…?

2. A zinfandel is used for making what?

3. What separates Alaska from the other 48 US states?

4. If you have comedos what are you suffering from?

5. What kind of weapon was an arbalest?

6. Where are the ethmoid, vomer and zygomatic bones in your body?

7. The capital of Japan is an anagram of which former capital?

8. What are Formosa Oolong, Orange Pekoe and Assam all types of? A) Decorative brickwork B) Exotic flower C) Tea

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com (just hit the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Gotten, had and licked by all and sundry except you, yes you, you know who you are, you snivelling little urchin you. And in fact it was the quizmaster first in with Jimi last week. However, without so much further of ado here’s a new clue for a new person, in a new week; clue No.1: “I made lots of things but my biggest invention was probably the word ‘hello’”

is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 35 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those akin to a snap of break dancing let rip…

Dracule: 17 (1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 11 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 5 (1 or 1, 1, 1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: unknown

Quote for the week:

The main purpose of alcohol is to make English your second language

Robin Williams

*Non-descript trivia moment*

GULLIVER’S TRAVELS

Lemuel Gulliver voyaged to Lilliput, Brobdingnag, Laputa, Balnibarbi, Luggnagg, Glubbdubdrib, Japan and to the Land of the Houyhnhnms

fool’s Gold

A Sultan’s wife is called a Sultana

Uranus is the only planet that rotates on its side

The most commonly used word in English conversation is “I”

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

Oh tell me what’s the word, oh word up…

Barmy: To be ‘barmy’ covers varying degrees of mental derangement from mild dottiness to total insanity. As a yeast, ‘barm’ produces a froth, leading to associations of empty-headedness.

Submitted by fool in the Dr’s absence.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Idiots who are incapable of putting on a simple screw top lid, e.g. to a jar of coffee, but instead leave it half cock, skew-whiff or even not at all, just delicately place it on top so the next poor sap tips the whole lot. That how wires inexplicably get tangled up even if they’re in different parts of the house – BASTARDS!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate; the minced lamb – love it.

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; shares his wranglings on the proceedings

*Trigger: You better you better you betyer.

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – fool’s tip: to avoid (clap, clap, clap) “And welcome…” every time you open the site press pause/play and forwards and rewind buttons! – Next one out in Oct.

*Tit-bits – .../...…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week or the week after, hang on, just let me get my shit together)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks, but for now read about an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – coming?

Mr. Meaner... I’m gonna say this only fivce…

Now, you’re just in time for the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

Rugby: you either love it or you love it, and when they do stuff like raise for wonga a cause, well then you’ve just gotta love it.

In last weekend’s Help for Heroes game Twickenham saw Dally’s XV beat the International XV 29-10, where in the process ₤1.1m was raised for a service men and women’s rehab centre, which makes you wonder what kind of rehab centre it is seen as half the forces are getting kicked out these days for shoving certain ‘services’ up their noses!

So now as we wait for the next international on 1^st November here’s a domestic round-up:

Worcester were unlucky to go down to Leicester 17-19, when one of the Tigers kicks was dubious as to whether it did actually go through the posts, as coach Mike Ruddock said, “There was a long wait for the flags to go up.”

Chris Latham made his debut for the Warriors and by all accounts hit some quite punishing runs until he hit someone else and was out for five minutes then left the field.

But it was Leicester who notched their third straight win and still without the likes of Harry Ellis and Dan Hipkiss. However, they do have new lad Toby Flood, whom by all accounts is having a blinding start to the season, so much so that Jeremy Guscott is heading him to be the man for the England No.10 position come November.

Eddie Jones isn’t too convinced, after he saw his side; Sarries clobber Sgt Wilko’s Falcons 44-14. A fair win for the Londoners, but the Jones fella still backs Sgt Wilko to command at 10 and tips Danny Cipriani to run from fullback, who incidentally will be back in a Wasps jersey next Wednesday – two months ahead of schedule – fit young bastard!

London Irish ran Bath ragged in the final 20 minutes but couldn’t amend the scoreline any better than the final 16-20, which was helped by a late try from Bath’s Elvis Seveali. Tony Booth, Bath’s coach was very apocalyptic with his choice of words referring to Bath’s good fortunes this year; “We are very aware that we had a few sacred cows here and we worked very hard so the people who thought they were sacred either improved or they ended up leaving the club.” – Thanks for that Tony…what?

Harlequins went down to Gloucester 20-24 despite a three to two try count and the mighty Wasps lost again, this time to Northampton Saints 24-20. In a physical match Josh Lewsey let in two tries through spillage, with Sean Lamont getting the second half clincher. All this left Ian McGeechan tugging at his ear hair, “Some of our decision making isn’t as astute as it should be.”

Bristol went down to Sale (don’t know score) and although Sale haven’t conceded a try yet, boss Philippe Saint Andre wasn’t stoked, “I am pleased with the win but not the performance.”

Across the Channel: Dax beat Biarritz 30-8 proving themselves to be the dark horse going into round five. And Clermont went down again to Castres 12-6, whom it seems are the clubs bogey side. Like Wasps, they find themselves languishing somewhere near the bottom.

Bayonne picked up a bonus point with a win over Mont-de-Marsan 19-15. And Toulon’s big guns Joe van Nierkerk and Jerry Collins helped the super stars team do just enough over Bourgoin 15-9.

Stade Francais continue to dominate with a 37-16 bopping over Brive. There was also a red card for Tongan Sukanaivaku Hufanga for a head high reckless tackle on unsuspecting Argentinean No.8 Leguizamon.

Montauban lost to Toulouse 10-41 with Vilimoni Delasou collecting his fourth try of the season topping the charts with Takidzwa Nguengu – remember him from the world cup?

And Perpignan stay second on the grid with a drab win over Montpellier 5-3.

Some shorts:

Scotland’s big Frank Hadden’s not happy with his national situation, i.e. the fact that ten of his squad weren’t released for training because their English clubs won’t release them, and won’t do so until five days before their first internationals in November versus New Zealand, MB’s and Canada. He’s put in a formal complaint to the IRB, but realistically looks like he’s got fat chance seen as the RFU signed a lucrative deal with the English clubs but not the Scots or the Welsh, Irish, Italians etc come to that.

The ELV’s are consistently under scrutiny from all levels of the game, which by the way now statically proves there is more kicking. Some of the rules are liked, but the fear of giving away penalties in your own half has spiralled the boot policy. And now it seems that even the MB’s want to ditch the ‘sanctions regulation’ which offers free kicks will-nilly. SARFU are ready to go into arbitration to have global ELV’s. Meanwhile Australia’s John O’Neill is proving to be as big a prick in rugby as he was in football by displaying an almost French arrogance when he said, “Up until August 1^st next year SANZAR competition can continue to use the sanctions. And we would be mad not to. If we didn’t we’d be putting up the white flag.” – Well then you just carry on fucking up the game to please spectators who want all sports to be on a billion each scoreline with no content just because you won’t revert to the better option in case you lose face – prick.

Mike Blair, Ryan Jones, Shane Williams, Dan Carter and Sergio Parisse are all up for the IRB’s most prestigious Player of the Year award in November. – Place your bets.

And lastly McCaw is the latest name to join the Baa Baa’s for their December 3^rd match against Australia. He joins the likes of, Percy, de Villiers, Habana, du Preez, Smit, Botha, Berger, Collins and Borthwick. The game is to be played at the new 92,500 seater Wembley in order to commemorate the 1908 Olympics where Australia beat Great Britain 32-3 at the old Wembley. – No moaning about gold medals that year!

McCaw’s also in favour of the Yank style World Series scheduled for in between world cup years. It’ll be played in all the Six Nations games, some of the Tri Nations games and off matches with Argentina. The final could be as soon as 2010 at Wembley – and the Kiwi’s will still choke!

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup! Curiously he’s had one taker!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

The ICC’s World Cricketer of the Year went to South Africa’s Dale Steyn, the Test player was Windies Shiv Chanderpaul, the ODI player went to MS Dohni (kebab) and Yuraj Singh snuck the Twenty/20. The emerging player was Sri Lanka’s Ajantha Mendis.

You want the world Test team? Ok: I’ll do the names, you fill in the countries: Graeme Smith, Virander Sehuj, Mahale Jayewardene, Shiv Chanderpaul, KP, Jacque Kallis, Kumar Saujakkara, Brett Lee, Ryan Sidebum, Dale Steyn and Muralitheran, with Stuart Clark at 12^th man

Simon Katich rates playing the Indians bigger than the Ashes, and he’s up for their next bout; “This year in October once again it’s going to be a toughie for us. I can’t wait for it.” – Can’t wait, won’t wait. Pissed off he didn’t make the world Test side.

Vaughan is under no illusion he has to get some runs, because he’s dead keen to play in the next Ashes, and he knows that at his age, 34, he won’t get another chance; “The central contract is a huge bonus. If I’m honest I think I’m lucky.” – Do you think he’ll keep the mental enthusiasm till next summer after retiring his captaincy or just play in the garden with his kids?

And lastly Windies Xaviar Marshall has been kicked out of the Stanford Millions circus for smoking dope. Which is a bit unfair really isn’t it; I mean what else is a Caribbean going to have for breakfast!

Till next week…

Other sports:

Me no dance today…

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Dame Helen Mirren 63, she of the writhing around in old Caligula films wearing nothing but a pout says Nazi Klaus Barbie was her reason for giving up cocaine; “I loved coke. I never did a lot, just a bit at parties. But when they caught Barbie I saw how my little sniff of cocaine had an absolute direct route to this fucking horrible man.” She also went on to say Hollywood was a ‘paranoid and unhappy’ place, and if you were blonde and had big tits; “You were patronised, condescended and insulted.” She then went on to condone the young lasses of today; “I love the ferociousness of young girls today and the way they just say, ‘Fuck off’” – Quirky little thing isn’t she…the Queen

Talking of which, Queen Liz recently had 12 barrels of lager delivered to her castle, which got mixed up with the Windsor Castle pub’s orders five miles down the road. A flunky from the Queen’s gaff said, “It was funny. But there’s no way the queen sits in the evening with a pint of lager.” – I bet she does.

A pub in Melbourne, Australia has been told to scrap its promotion of offering free drinks to women who take off their undies in the bar, in what was billed as, ‘No undie Sundie’. Unsurprisingly the women’s protection group said it’s, ‘almost an invitation to sexual assault.’ However, the Saint Hotel who dub themselves as, ‘The home of Melbourne’s fashionable set’ disagree and said that only recently their promotion where a dwarf pours free booze down punters necks went very well indeed.

A restaurant in Winterthur Switzerland offers meals cooked with human breast milk. Just the café lactate please.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIV! “I remixed a remix; it was back to normal.” Mitch Hedberg

Plastic surgery advertising has been wrapped on the knuckles for offering irresponsible and downright outrageous perks. They range from the ‘anatomically impossible’ to urging instant fixes in ‘₤250 discount for surgery now’ to the ludicrous ‘lunchtime surgery’, which could be quite interesting – ‘just an extra nipple please’. The wrap came from the British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons who are brilliantly known as BAAPS

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; “I often want to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.”

Russian smugglers are up in front of the beak for supplying Estonian capital Tallinn with cheap vodka through an underground pipeline one mile long. How’s that! It’s a third cheaper in Rusky-land and the 1,159 litres that got through would have been a tidy packet. Prosecutor Mari Luuk said, “It might sound weird and unbelievable but it’s a very real criminal case.” – At those prices, you bet it is.

The world’s 20^th largest diamond has been found in a mine in Lesotho however, because of its ‘flawless centre’ in might become the world’s No.1, after it’s been rounded and polished. Clifford Elphick of Gem Diamonds said, “Preliminary examination of this remarkable diamond indicates that it will yield a record breaking polished stone of the very best colour and clarity.” – It weighs in at 478 carats, which is way short of the biggest, which was the ‘Cullinan Diamond’ coming in at a whopping 3,106 carats back in 1905. That yielded the Great Star of Africa; a tear drop shape of 530 carats. – Did you know carats were all originally purple!

peach

Ok, cops arrested 33 year-old barmaid Janet Brannon for working in the nude in Delhi, Illinois. She came quietly. And where do they get off calling it Delhi.

And lastly a Las Vegas hotel, the Rio Hotel and Casino have teamed up with the Sapphire Gentleman’s Club and decked out their pool with topless strippers. It costs $30-$50.00 to get in and pool-ette Brittany McClain says, “You get to kind of advertise yourself, promote yourself a little bit.” – Like you know what I mean like…It’s probably a good job they’re allowed guns!