Crazy Fool's Newsround - 19th - 25th March 10 volume 372

19th - 25th March 10 volume 372
March, 24th 2010 23:24 PM

“Every bit of clothing ought to make you pretty

You can cut the clothing, grey is such a pity

I should wear the clothing of Mr. Walter Mitty

See my tailor, he’s called Simon, I know it’s going to fit”

(Ian Dury and the Blockheads)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Published 25.3.10

The rugby bit:

‘What could

have been’

Published 25.3.10

Just like fool’s Christmas dinner, where he saves the best till last, in his case the pigs in blankets, so did the Six Nations. There was also an equally tantalising serving of crispy, burnt bits akin to an oven baked shepherds pie in the form of all the other results from the week:

Game one:

Wales take

the biscuit

Wales kicked off to another worryingly cumbersome start. However, they eventually raked in three tries around the half way mark to notch a 33-10 win over Italy.

Arguably a better performance by the team from the land of the big fish, it set the scene for a weekend of international rugby of, ‘what could have been’.

By that I mean the Welsh are a very good side, capable of beating anyone on their day. Players like Phillips and Jenkins back in the side saddled beside the speed of Byrne, Williams (6623) and Hook and Roberts they ooze world class. Against a battle weary and bruised Italy they showed it.

Young Prydie made his mark early with a thumping tackle. At 18 years and 25 days you can tackle anything, except of course Celene Dion.

On the 28^th minute Williams (6623) put Byrne away for a score only to be brought back for a penalty, such was their misguiding early intent. Yet, Italy, who lost scrum half Pablo Canavosio through injury were beginning to feel the pressure from the Welsh rising determination.

Soon they got into their rhythm and possession slipped Mike Phillips’ way, he sent Hook over through the middle of two despairing defenders for try No.1. Mauro Bergamasco immediately received a yellow card and Hook ghosted over again three minutes later.

Phillips continued to dictate things at the base of a much improved Welsh pack, and he made an up-field roar of 50 metres, found Williams (6623) in support and he touched down for his 51^st Test try in the infamous Prince of Wales’ feathers jersey.

Wales had this game in the bag and Luke McLean’s consolation try on the left was nothing but that.

Nick Mallet was proud of his boys and took his hat off to the Welsh boys for finally getting it right. He was also chuffed to bits with his ailing team, riddled with injuries before the game, battered during the game and riding a whole tournament without talisman Sergio Parisse; “We showed great courage. Our dressing room is like a hospital and I’m glad this was our last game because I’m not sure we can play another.” He said, as the waiter approached, ‘Another wafer thin game Mr. Castrogiavanni…’

Gatland was also naturally pleased for his boys but couldn’t help reflect on the whole picture of finishing 4^th, “It’s pretty frustrating really.” He concluded just prior to exploding.

‘What could have been’ – Never mind. The Welsh play the ‘Is-it’s’ next then two against the All Blacks in June. Hopefully the ‘booze-buggy’ man will be back for that, if he hasn’t already gone to league, as per rumours.

Game two:

T’was to

be sure

At Ireland’s, toe-to-hand fortress in Croke Park, Scotland did what we’ve found out what was and not what could have been – if you follow my drift! They beat their hosts 23-20 off a 79^th minute Dan Parks touch line penalty. Get in there.

Ireland came out briskly with some sharp moves and dire finishing. Bowe put away Earls, who fluffed it. Minutes later D’Arcy was away and clear and panting for the line and he fluffed it. Sexton was the next to join the gang and for a moment we thought we’d tuned into a Comedy Rugby channel, as he fluffed it. – ‘Get fluffed today on Comedy Rugby’s 101 channel.

But as they say, throw enough mud, and moments later D’Arcy drew Southwell, put away B. O’d and his mud stuck for an 11^th minute try… ok it was a forward pass, but by this time the ref gave in to sheer bellyache exhaustion.

Four minutes later Scotland’s, Ross Ford was making grounds in a fiercely paced game when suddenly out of a blue-mist came Johnnie Beattie charging 20 metres for the line. Tackling him was D’Arcy, Murphy and Paul O’Connell, but to no avail and their own self bemusement, as the Scottish No.8 somehow got through the lot.

As the game scooted along Parks and Sexton dropped a goal and penalty respectively and Cian Healy departed the field for a sobering ten minutes in the bin for repeated infringements. Sexton missed a kick but his replacement O’Gara got the next to keep the scores tight. The penalty came after a rumbling Scottish maul from their own defensive lineout where they forgot to release the ball. Well, you can forget. It happens. I said to Bernie just the other day, ‘don’t forget.’ ‘What?’ he said, well, he got me.

Nevertheless, Ireland seemed to have turned the tide on Scotland’s defence and from a huge overlap Bowe touched down in the corner. However, the dispute as to whether he actually grounded the ball still rages on. - Our computer says no.

Andy Robinson confessed he thought it was going to be a 30 pointer considering Ireland’s start; “But we held on,’ He said, “We got to the pace of the game and played really well.” He surmised, despite the loss. An 80,313 crowd would probably agree.

Stephen Ferris on the other hand suggested the emotion of playing their last game at Croke Park may have contributed to their loss, “We were thinking about the occasion a bit more than we usually would”. – Yes, nice try Stephen.

But Dan Parks knew the Gods were in the Scots camp when he booted true at the very end and said, “I was delighted. I got a good strike on it and it went through.” – He knew it was the ‘could have been, should have been and indeed ‘T’was to be sure’ factor.’ – By the way do all Scots say delighted. I think it’s their second most favourite word after their first.

Game three:

More hot

towels

s’il vous plait

In Paris, England played their best game of the Championship, missing out marginally by 12-10 in the pouring rain

In what ‘could have been’ here was primarily down to English mistakes as much as the game’s intensity guided under consistent French pressure at the scrum and rock solid defence. Thus the game culminated in a rather prophetic, ‘wasn’t meant to be’ not for the English anyhow.

England attacked from the off and were soon onto a rhythm. Flood shipped it left from quick, clean ball to Flutey, to Ashton, onto the acceleration of Foden on the outside who crossed the whitewash in the 6^th minute for a glorious try.

Danny Care and the front row made yards at the fringes, but otherwise the English pack lacked around the breakdown, where they have consistently showed a surprising weakness all tournament.

France were comfortable in the lineouts, much to the absence of England’s specialist in Borthwick and the latter injury to Simon Shaw during the game. Let’s hope he’s ok to captain the ECCS side on Sunday 4^th April in Saigon

France utilised this concept of the game with wingers Marc Andreu and full back Alexis Palissan kicking well. The papers called it a tactical team-role reversal situation. Fool just thought they kicked well.

England’s scrum was pulverised in the first half, much to Johnno’s concern at the penalty count, or more to the point, Moore’s battle with Tourettes in the commentary box, ‘arse-slap-box of frogs-mandela’s-a-cunt.’

But with second half replacements in Thompson and Wilson, things steadied somewhat and you could say France were on the racks in the second half from a flurry of English attack. There, said it. I knew I could. Gonna say it again, ‘flurry’… Ooh. Nurse, milk please.

Tindall gave plenty of oomph in the middle in both attack and defence and as soon as Bastreaud went off so did he. Still, too many times a try went a-begging – Tindall’s drop catch from a Care chip, Cueto’s run with no support, Ashton chipped when he should have kept the ball in hand. Yet, France clung on, even after a monster 66m kick from Sgt. Wilko to take the English within 2 points.

If the French weren’t on their natural game of three blitzed tries in the first twenty minutes then it could mostly be credited to a marked improvement by the English, although, it has to be said for all the ‘if’s and buts’ the French still won with relative comfort, secured from their front five.

Johnno at least has something positive to go to Australia with in June and for this match he labelled the effort of the players ‘fantastic’ stating that many ‘players came of age.’

Marc Lievremont was also full of praise for the English saying, “England made this game very hard for us.” But he also knew it was won in the tight, “We owe a lot to our forwards tonight and I’m happy for our forwards that Nicolas Mas was named Man of the Match. No scrum, no win.” – Aint that a fact. Nevertheless, he left his Cantona-esque comment, regarding the Grand Slam to last, “It is a very nice baby even if the birth was quite difficult.” – More towels please.

Let’s take a look at some results:

LV=Cup:

The only English team left in this year’s Heineken Cup has automatically qualified for next years comp by beating Gloucester 30-24 in the final, of this, the Anglo-Welsh Cup. That would be Northampton by the way.

Heineken Cup: Nup

Guinness Premiership:

The only game on this weekend was Friday’s Sale v Wasps. Sale won that 19-8, stopping the rot of their 8 game losing streak.

Top 14: non!

Magners League:

Leinster stay top after their 20-14 win over Glasgow. Fergus McFadden and Girvan Dempsey were the Special Branch cops there… no sorry, they were the try scorers, getting my programmes mixed up. Whilst O’Hare and Gregor touched down for the Jocks/ Scarlets lost out to Munster 17-23. De Villiers and Goughlan scored for the Reds and Priestland knocked up all the Welsh points. Gonna have to get a Judas Priest tune for that lad.

Here it is; nothing like driving around London’s Staples Corner in caddie convertible!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psTUiQzNoxw

Super14’s

Bulls beat Hurricanes 19-18 to stay top of the table. An early try by Bulls winger, Kirchner set the pace. Lowe and Thrush pulled one back for the ‘Canes and fool’s pretty miffed about that, as he just pulled Lowe from his fantasy side/ Blues pipped Brumbies 39-34 in a thriller which focussed on the breakdowns and defence. The Git got 5 penalties, but that man Rene Ranger scored another bulldozing try for the Blues and made two more – you can see why he’s up for assault charges!/ Stormers took the Cheetahs 21-8 with Joe Pieterson getting 13 points and Jacque Fourie the other try. The Cape-toneans look to be the side coming on strong in this tournament – worth a cheeky tenner/ Crusaders beat Lions 46-19 in not a very pretty game. Maitland got two and Poff, Whitelock and Heinz one a piece/ Sharks seemed to have over come some of their in-house wranglings as they secured another win – 30-16 over Highlanders, with the silliest named try going to Bismarck du Plessis, which sank in 1941/ Force pushed the Tah’s all the way only to lose out 14-10, thanks largely to some stoic defence from Phil Waugh at the end. Matt Hodgson must also get a mention at No.7 for the Perth outfit for his international-esque display.

fool says: No internationals this week, so let’s plumb for a Super 14 call: Force v Bulls at home – no contest – Force by 7 – a-ha- ha ha – a-ha ha ha!

Some shorts:

Carl Hayman is off to Toulon. Newcastle couldn’t keep their man who is Britain’s most expensive player, not even with keys to the castle, which by fool’s reckoning was built by William the Conqueror’s eldest son in around 1172, although there has been a ‘keep’ there since Roman times.

Steve Larkham is calling for something to be done about Quade Cooper’s meteoritic rise in proficiency at flyhalf this season suggesting he should don the No.10 jersey for the Wallaby’s with the Git at 12. He said, “Gits has obviously far more experience than both of them and to some extent having the experience at inside centre is a godsend.” – Fullback, scrumhalf, flyhalf, where will they send God next.

Chiefs, Sione Lauaki awaits sentence for assault on a bloke outside the Coyote Bar in Hamilton. However, Megan Mahaffy who owns the bar next door called Lone Star couldn’t bare being left out of the free plugging and defended the Chiefs players in general saying they were ‘regularly picked at’ and that it’s always, ‘young people looking for a fight.’ – ‘Did you get the Lone Star Bar in there love?’

Meanwhile Rene Ranger will find out his fate too this week, regarding his assault on a bloke outside a pub in Auckland last October. Sorry no plugs here.

Xavier Rush picks up his 100^th Cardiff Blues cap this Friday against the team he will join next year, Ulster - Which is no more than a coincidence with Mealamu winning his 100^{th cap} for Auckland Blues last week.

Some competitions now: If you’d like to take part in or see fool’s rugby comps check out the comps & results page

Send your team(s) to cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

end rugby here!

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that… Sangria, mojito’s, plenty, plenty, plenty of wine and beer; Plus, The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam, and perhaps a little off centre of Phuket. Cracking live music too.

www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

A willow the wisp of cricket now:

A scant reflection from the Sher-e-Bangla National Stadium and the Basin Reserve reveals a thribble to be told;

Bangles v England:

Sloppy fielding from a sweat sodden England was marginally rescued by Swann’s 3-89 over the Bangles on Day 1. James Tredwell, did and eventually got Tamin Iqbal with a top edge on 85. However, 20 of those came from one Swann over.

The Bangles were precariously positioned on 330-8 on Day 2 and managed 105 in their last two wickets. Maiden Test half centuries were awarded to Naeem Islam on 59* and Shafial Islam 53.

Trott pressed for 64* and Bell 25* and 248 runs behind the Bangles 419 all out at and 171-3 at stumps. KP managed a 45, taking him past the 5,000 mark for Test runs and Belly went on for 138, with Tim Bresnan accompanying him on 74*.

Intriguingly it was Bell’s first ton without any other player making a century batting before him in a game and was ultimately the solo ton-est for the whole Test. Prior knocked 62 with Trott making no more than his 64 after being spun out on the nose by skipper Shakib Al Hasem. By nose I mean stump.

Shakib wasn’t happy with what looked like three very probably wickets in Bresnan’s pad and bat catch, Bell’s trapped in front and Prior’s in swinger onto his pads. He suggested if they’d had the money for technology instead of using it on flowers to make the ground look pretty for ICC President David Morgany things might have been different, “If we’d taken the referral system, they would have had to spend money. I think it’s more important than all the flowers.” – ICC Dave – sort it will yer.

England finished Day 3 on 440-8 and Day 4 saw Broad bitch and snap with the umpire following a rejected lbw call. He went on to notch 2 for 37, closing a lead of 95 with 172-6 at stumps.

Bresnan went on to hit 91 and said he is now acclimatized, “My mum used to have the heating on at home, so I’m not a big sweater – I’m a cool customer if you will.’ – Just not cool enough to avoid being stumped on 91.

Tamim survived his second innings to 57 after being dropped three times. He was eventually caught hitting a loose drive off Bresnan by a back diving catch from Broad.

On the last day Shakib reeled in a calm 96, but their target of 209 was not enough, for Cook’s 109* and KP’s 74* sealed a 9 wicket win.

You can only take so much from this tour but 3-0 in the ODI’s and 2-0 in the Tests still makes England the only Test nation never to have lost to the Bangles. As for Cook at captain; “It was a massive eye opener.” Is what he said.

New Zealand v Oz:

Over in Wellington’s, Basin Reserve the wind blew a gale, as Dr. Phil pointed out; he saw a 500kg pitch roller, rolling the pitch only aided by a 129mph howler, which we all know after last week’s quiz is a monkey.

Either way, it doesn’t deter from the fact that the New Zealanders lost by 10 wickets, taking just 23 overs to knock off the 106 required.

The Black Caps resumed Day 5 on 369-6 with Brendan McCullum on 94* he went on to get 104. Philip Hughes then did the damage with 12 boundaries and a 6 on 86* and Katich with him hitting on a steady 18 off 65.

Ryan Harris topped the Aussie bowling on 4-77 with Nathan Harris next up on 3-119

The IPL is far too confusing at this stage and we’ll have to wait for the finals to make any head or tail of it.

Elsewhere in the briefs:

English contracts have still not been settled since October. Top dogs can expect a £450,00 whack, whilst newcomers a measly £150,00. However, this comes in contrast to top county players who earn six figure sums for half the amount of cricket. – Where’s the love?

Till next week…

In the meantime catch this if you’re there.

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Other Sports:

In boxing:

Manny Pacquiao threw 1,200 punches at Clottey last week. If you add them up, it’s a lot – roughly 1,200.

Meanwhile Vladimir Klitschko beat Eddie Chambers in the last round with a knockout biff in Düsseldorf to retain the heavyweight WBO, IBF and IBO titles.

He’s now aching to get at Britain’s, David Hayes, saying this is the last time he ducks out of a fight. That was in reference to Hayes pulling out of their last scheduled bout at the last minute with a bad back. Vladimir said, “I’ve just had enough and want to fight him.” Adding, “His face will be really messed up and look like a pizza when I’ve finished with him.” – What’s your favourite pizza?

As for Eddie; Vladimir admitted he might have been out boxed, but his opponent was “very fit, super strong, but didn’t have the punching power.” – But was still a better boxer!

And the sad news this week was the death of Britain’s voice of boxing Harry Carpenter who died aged 84. Probably best known for his friendship with Frank Bruno, which earned the catchphrase, “You know what I mean ‘Arry.” And his Rumble in the Jungle commentary with Foreman and Ali, when just as Ali was getting a right royal pasting Ali caught him with a right hand knock out punch and Harry declared, “Oh, my God, Ali wins back the title at 32.” However, that wasn’t broadcast as you weren’t allowed to take the Lord’s name in vain back then.

My personal favourite commentary from Harry was his Raleigh driving blip. As the car comes flying over a muddy hill, Harry states, ‘Well, of course the advantage of leading is having a clear windscreen...’ – As the car immediately crashes into a tree.

In F1:

The second GP is in Australia this Sunday. And Nikki Lauda reckons the Schu won’t win here but he will win in the one after in KL. He should know, he won his 3^rd GP after a two year’s from his second comeback retirement spell. – Still with me? Good. He returned in 1982 and won in 1984 by half a point from his team mate Prost. Those were the days when half points were dished out for the Monaco bash and when cigarettes sponsored the cars. His McLaren was fuelled by Marlboro – no stopping those days.

World Cup news:

As South Africa is expecting 450,000 football fans in June the Natal Shark’s Board boss Harry Mbambo said, “During the World Cup we will increase the number of patrols by one a day to several a day.” – It will be carnage.

Meanwhile Paul di Resta, the Scottish reserve F1 driver for Force India was cooling off in Australian waters with Tonio Liuzzi the No.1 driver when he saw a shark not 6ft away. There is no relevance except I think all sharks should be shot.

NOTICE*NOTICE*NOTICE

On March 28^th, from 4am, I will be attempting to run from one end of Phuket to the other – a distance of 40 miles/64 km. The run is in support of my brother’s charity which offers underprivileged young people in Goa, India opportunities to train and play competitive football. If you would like to donate please contact www.footballclubcanacona.com

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com
Not just a walk in the park

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Shame man

If you aint got it don’t flaunt is probably the best advice for Indian holyman Pandit Sirender Sharmas.

TV guru and sceptic Sanal Edamaruku took him on. Live on TV he asked if he could try the proverbial pudding of Pandit’s claims that he could kill a man by the power of the mind only.

“Go on then – Kill me.” Said Sanal. “Ok.” Said Pandit.

He spilled out a few mantras’s, splashed a couple of drops of holy water, ruffled the pundit’s hair and produced a knife. He didn’t use the knife but merely used it as symbolism of death.

But Sanal didn’t die. The holy man accused him of cheating and praying to the Gods. He then said he could only continue if he was allowed to sleep with a woman, rub his body in ash, drink some alcohol then he would try again outside. It didn’t work.

‘Ok, what about if I…’

Meanwhile jobless hairdresser Patrick Baecher 35 from Fehmarn German said he could cure blind man Axel Pfeffer by eating LSD laced gherkins. “They will give you vision” He said as he took £20,000 as payment.

In court the defence lawyer said, “You’re a hairdresser, not a shaman.”

Meanwhile in the land of percentages…

Our Survey said:

58 year old Zao Chenghin from China’s Chongqing province got a skipping rope caught in his knob. I mean all of it, in it, 2.8ft (85cm) to be exact.

In a quirky sex game his stuck the rope in his urethra and it got knotted and stuck in his bladder and because he had no money to go to get medical care he walked around for two months like that, until his mate said, “Come on Zao, this is ridiculous.” And he took him to hospital to get it removed. Can you believe that? No, me neither.

Mind you, you can get a diamond encrusted sex toy for £40k. The silver plated love plunger comes with a removable diamond studied ring in the middle and is available from Mason Victor’s jewellers in Paris.

Designer Jean-Francois Tokas said, “It was designed for rich people who want to declare their love in a special way.”

But were on percentages and a 20 worst oral aromas list was topped by fags, not the Dire Straits reference but ciggies, woodbines, durry’s, cancer sticks, smokes, coffin nails, stokes, stogies, darts, doogans, rollies, ronnies – whatever your flavour, anyway, they came in at 70%. Others on the list were: garlic, un-brushed teeth, marmite, onions, beer, fish, curry, coffee and cheese. – I’ve had all of those in the last 24hours.

The weirdest things requested in 580 Premier Inn hotels in the UK are a baby rhino, giant rubber ducks, trousers and for someone to sit in a guests Ferrari whilst he ate dinner in the hotel’s restaurant. – Bacon’s all I want. Smoked shoulder or back bacon, with poached eggs, beans, mushies, toms and black pudding. Oh and served on a plate made of coral.

Ok, according to shopping website Ciao, Britain’s are the worst dressed Europeans, well, out of seven countries even so Germany was one of them – yikes.

The survey found it to be Britain’s fixation on cheap clothing shop Primark that let them down and that 29% of Brits valued sunglasses as a necessary accessory compared to 3% of French and Italians. – I don’t believe that either. You show me the 97% of French and Italians who haven’t got sunnies… come on.

Let’s move on…

Security:

Indian police are armed with chilli grenades. These beauties are 1000 times stronger than your piddly child’s play jalapeno.

The bhut jolokin chilli from Assam, north east India knocks 1,001,304 on the scoville heat unit, that’s compared to the next on the list, the Mexican red savina at 577,000 and the humble jalapeno a mere 10,000.

Chief boff R.B. Srivastava said, The effect is so pungent that it would literally choke them.”

In a trial on suspects it blinded and caused severe breathing problems. That should do the trick then. It would save a lot of problems them; make curry not war.

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘The Red Hot Chilli Pipers; You’ve felt the heat now come close to the fire’

In the latest Pirates of the Caribbean film beautiful models are required but they must have their own boobs.

The casting ad says, ‘Beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft 5in - 5ft 8in tall. Size 4-6, no bigger or smaller. Age, 18-25. Must have own body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.’ – Certainly couldn’t accuse Keira Knightly of that. But she’s out and Penelope Cruz is in. Keira, you may leave the runway. I wonder, is Keira girl for Keith?

In the new Robin Hood, Russell Crowe is taking east Midlands’s accent training.

He gets to say stuff like: ‘Ey up, me duck’ and ‘Noddingham’.

Most famous people from Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot,

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: SITCOMs; single income, two children, oppressive mortgage.

Left of right:

At a Russian wedding in Astrakhan a guest on the top table pulled out a gun and shot himself in the head, but there were no bullets. He then said, “Here, who wants to do it?” Another guest piped up and said, “Russian Roulette, yes” and shot himself in the head with his own gun.

The man without the bullet in his head said, “I wanted to perform my party trick. I expected lots of applause after I did it and never guessed someone would repeat it.”

Ok, had enough, the end bit:

Two British rowers who competed in a race across the Atlantic were disqualified when they hit a reef a mile from the finish.

Blimey, 2,500 miles Phil Price 32 and Ben Cummings 36 rowed. From Canary Island’s to Antigua, 76 bloody days… rowing, and they were disqualified a mile from the white tape.

They did get the accolade for actually crossing the Atlantic as they had passed the most eastern tip of Antigua, which acts as the landmark, but were disqualified for having to be rescued a mile out. Well, they’re the rules. Deal with it losers.

Lastly the man most considered the world’s cleverest; Russian Dr. Gregori Perelman is a maths genius dubbed ‘Mathsputin’ because of his unkept looks, refused a $1m pay out for solving a century old problem called the Poincare Conjecture.

Posed in 1904, no one has ever solved it and it took experts 4 years to prove him right. How do they know!

Gregori lives at home with his mum and spends most days playing ping-pong against a wall. When someone came around to give him the cheque he leant out of the window and said, “I don’t need anything.”

The Poincare Conjecture: define any three dimensional space without holes in it as equivalent to a stretched sphere… NOW.

That’s enough of that – now this:

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

And now this:

High on a Hill Was a Lonely Goatherd

The scene: fool is sat a-top a snowy mountain in Tajikistan in search of the elusive Jimi Hendrix, which was last seen in his back garden disguised as a blackbird. Suddenly crossing his path is an ancient mariner looking for someone called Walter. Moments later Victor Frankenstein trudges up the steep snowy hill…

Victor: Morning.

fool: No, he’s alive I tell you.

Victor: Haven’t seen a big chap up here have you. Odd looking fellow, but don’t tell him that, gets a tad upset…

fool: Argh. You’ve seen him too?

The ancient mariner stops in his tracks and turns

AM: You’se after that red house over yonder, that’s where my baby stays. But I wouldn’t nae go there. I’ve been here for ‘bout 99 and one half days and there’s sod all. All there is water, water everywhere and not a bloody drop to drink.

Narrator: Will fool find Jimi? Will Frankenstein ever speak in his native Swiss accent…or was he German? Can the ancient mariner distil snow? Tune in next week for next week’s episode, next week. But now the quiz:

1. Where will the soon to be built tallest dam in the world?

2. In which country is an Eisteddfod celebrated?

3. Who was Spain’s first ever F1 World Champion?

4. What is affected by osteomyelitis?

5. Which fruit is in crème de cassis?

6. The Painted Desert is in which American state?

7. What is the opposite of hibernation?

8. Where is the European Court of Justice based? A) Brussels B) Strasbourg C) The Hague

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

cf’s Quiz Night at… in 2010!

WHO AM I? – 2010 – Faster than flint and the Legal Eagle was this week’s winner in STPfkaQ with the correct answer of Cat Stevens to this clue: “My girlfriend said I had eyes like a cat so I wrote a song called I Love My Dog.” – So now I’ve got to think of another one… hmmm, “I sang a song about that mariner looking for water.”

Is it me?

Send in answers to: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Welcome to the 2010 scoreboard; week 13 bonus points tally in brackets for the first answer in. (For all previous answers to the main quiz see: *comps and results page in the categories.)

With all the ones and the brackets:

The Slackers, pardon I, The Regulars

Dracule:

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1 (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure:

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1, (1, 1, 1, 1)

Casualty:

Aye:

Others: flip-all

Let’s move on shall we:

Quote(s) for the week:

(On the debate about what constitutes art and what pornography) If you can’t masturbate to it, it’s art.

Sean Lock

*Non-descript trivia moment*

PATRON SAINTS

Librarians…St Jerome

Pilgrims…St Mennas, St James

Singers…St Cecilia

Invalids…St Roche

Bricklayers…St Stephen

fool’s Gold

Shirley Temple made $1m by the age of 10

The longest recorded lifespan of a slug is eighteen months

The largest land-locked country in the world is Mongolia

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

The word is we have no word, but we do have this from the Doc…

As a name for the scene of such grisly matches, "cockpit" showed up in English in the 16th century. By the 1700's, "cockpit" was being used as a metaphor for any scene of combat. "Cockpit" was then adopted by pilots in World War I, who applied it to the cramped operating quarters of their fighter planes. Our modern sense of cockpit includes the entire crew areas of large airliners, which are usually fairly spacious and not, one hopes, the scene of conflict. Another use of the word is related to the bedrooms in brothels

Letters:

Only one this week: K

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Cat pooh – Although it has to be said, not just the feline’s deposits but also their dopier of cousins the gullible K9. They swan in my back garden deep in the death throws of darkness and crap surreptitiously in their favourite haunts. They don’t even have the courtesy to give it a quick claw back of dirt these days, its just plop and off. What’s happened to the youth of today eh. Every morning I’m out there, looking for Jimi, armed only with a garden hand fork, precariously picking, flicking and trying to catch the wee turd bastards as each prong snags on a wiry band of grass on a thread bare patch of dust and weed. They’re neat little nuggets of purest black that when baked enough can rest easy on each outer prongs thus enabling roughly 5 trips down to the lake. I’ve often wondered if the lake is the best place for them… never mind. If the plops are moderately fresh a scrape on the dirt will suffice for cleaning. On reflection they’re quite big for a cat and I wonder if it’s that little yappy git of a dog who hangs around the gate at dusk. It’s certainly not him who favours the corner of the vegetable patch, for he is a proper sized dog and can easily carry the width of two prong scoops. With all these trips down to the lake, I wondered if I was in any way polluting it, after all, the fish have to go. Then it dawned on me – power – I’ll make power from the bastards. They won’t beat me. And sure enough, you can get hold of or in my case I will make in a garage, which I haven’t got, a methane digester, which will churn out 50 gallons of fuel per one ton. Check out this site: http://www.treehugger.com/files/2006/02/behold_the_powe.php - But until I have rigged my methane digester to fuel the pump, which will retrieve water from the lake to nourish my garden and grow back the grass. - cat pooh - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

The methane digester

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

Ok, what else is on in cfnr this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: with his brother

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Randall

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…Only the English…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

*Comps and results

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…ok, we’re ready…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity