19th - 25th august 2011 volume 446
August, 24th 2011 20:33 PM

 

“You got me ticking gonna blow my top”

(Rolling Stones)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lads – The One With …

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 25.8.11                                           

For Elements of: No.1 Royal Air Force, Force Protection Wing Headquarters

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

Smells fishy

As world wide protests continue to rage, from anti Papal demonstrations in Spain to Libyan TV presenters arming themselves ready quash rebel intruders; animal rights group PETA are to launch a porn site to get their point across.

 

Not content with naked celebrities campaigning for the anti-fur trade or scantily clad women suggestively posing with vegetables to raise awareness for veganism, PETA spokeswoman Lindsay Rajt stated drastic action needs to be taken.

 

‘We really want to grab peoples attention, get them talking and to question the status quo and ultimately take action, because the best way we can help the greatest number of animals is simply by not eating them.’

 

Clearly porn is the natural route to offer maximum exposure, whereby a quick game of hide the sausage may indeed save the preverbal bacon.

 

‘There will be a lot of boy and girl next door content, but we haven’t ruled out celebrities on the site as well.’ Lindsay confirmed.

 

‘People are extraordinarily dedicated to helping animals and are willing to do whatever it takes to draw attention to the suffering they endure.’

 

Discovery channel declined to state whether any of their contracted stars have been approached, whilst Sir David Attenborough has said he is open to offers.


It’s a moo-ted subject

 

Get it off your chest

Across America civil rights group, Raelians, demonstrated what they believe is their constitutional right for equality by staging a Go Topless Day, which in its fourth years has spread to 13 states.

 

Born from the idea that humans were created by advanced scientists known as the Elohim, Raelians lend their name from an inspirational Frenchman called Rael, who once a racing driver turned journalist was visited by aliens in 1973 thus propelling himself to messianic heights.

 

In a bid to create credible authenticity to this cause the group reversed roles and urge men to wear bras or bikini tops; spokesman Lara Terstenjak explains,

 

‘To have a guy supporting equal rights by wearing a bra is an honourable thing to do.’

 

Annually staged on the Sunday closest to Equal Rights Day, which falls on 26th August, the campaigners bid to mark next years date, which by coincidence falls on the 26th August, and plan to rally a ‘Two Million Boob March’, which in all sense and purposes should arouse a healthy male participation.

 

Lara was surprised, yet welcomed the amount of men that came in support of this heaven sent event.


 

Bad hair day

A man in Texas fighting for equal rights held up the Exxon Tigermart convenient store wearing a black and white floral dress and a pair of men’s white Y-fronts over his head to conceal his face.

 

The cashier, unsure if the protruding object pointed at her from under his dress was a gun or not, didn’t hesitate to find out whether he was firing blanks and frantically handed over the cash plus a free bottle of Vanish stain remover to get rid of the skid marks as he made his getaway.

 

Meanwhile the Bad Hair Bandit, so called because of the array of wigs she wears when robbing banks, has been caught after a series of raids were carried out from Montana to Washington State to Oregon and California where she was finally caught.

 

Unsure at first whether Cynthia van Holland was their culprit, FBI agent Frank Horrill confirmed, ‘This is a dangerous individual, threatening a weapon in each robbery, but having gone over the evidence with a fine tooth comb we are happy with the result.’


 

Meanwhile New Zealand authorities quashed the idea of 1000 bikini clad women on motorbikes driving sheep through Auckland’s city streets to promote their country’s industries in celebration for the up-coming rugby World Cup.

 

Tom Agne, a senior lecturer for marketing at the University of Auckland said they were trying too hard and that it was a ‘dumb idea’.


Surely this is a great idea; fashionable and practical

 

You make a grown man cry

And lastly Jane Fonda’s new autobiography revolutionises the idea that pensioners are sexually active, and lends 50 pages of her book to explain how couples can keep the passion alive under the sheets.

 

The 73 year old Hollywood star says she can tell just by looking at someone if they are having good sex and found it worrying that an older generation’s ‘sex guide’ wasn’t out there, so decided to include it in her book.

 

‘I have never found a book that talks about everything from the psyche and spirit and wisdom to penile implants.’

 

To be honest the thought of wrinklys in the folds of ecstasy is quite disturbing, let alone how now the future is starting to look a tad more worrying.


Thank crikey for that

 (Quick sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Now, as much as I think Jane Fonda is still a fox, and Joan Collins come to think of it too and she’s 101, I’m not sure their eggs in a clay pot would beat Juice’s… in fact, no, I’m not even going to go there, not even if I could, which I might if no-one was looking, but obviously wouldn’t broadcast it, but only suggest they’d be fair to dandy in a good old fashioned game of scrabble, especially holding onto antiquated words of yester-year, which soon may fall into extinction, so Collins, the dictionary, not the semi-has-been, have kindly collated a score in order to bolster posterity and so shall remain as reverences to an ancient lexicon that our forefathers used to think about before worrying about whether a steal rod inserted in their old chap during their twilight years was the way up – probably why old crooner Tony Bennet revealed recently why most of his 60’s was consumed by drug taking so much to the extent that he paralleled himself to the Amy Winehouse of the 60’s and hid cocaine under his toupee, which if that was the comparison then half of Bolivia must have been nestled under there, but when we delve into some such words of fallen grace, such as aerodrome, charabanc, wittol, drysalter and alienisms, it is only with forgetfulness  that we clamber from the recess of our brains their quirky nature or so it has become and revel in their fondness to go as far as Jane Fonda’s good sex guide recipe for the aged concerns simply because they like it, and for that measure Jane; this week’s Get It Off Your Chest Request comes from the Dandiest of Warhol’s with I Like It just for you and all you rock of ages out there… sound a bit like the Stones don’t they…

 

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘Nothing.’ Nobody.

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘This elephant trod on a mouse. The giraffe said, ‘why did you do that?’ He said, ‘I didn’t mean to. I only meant to trip him up.’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

There’s always the www.coreyashcroft.co.uk appeal – check it out

 

Don’t forget the classifieds pages – updated weekly

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP… probably Sept

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…


www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news


*A reindeer hunter found a baby woolly mammoth in the Russian arctic this week. The 40,000 year old beast is almost perfectly preserved with all its internal organs intact, but missing it shaggy coat. He named it Lyuba, after his wife.

 


Number crunching


 

*The world’s heaviest women is 52st and aims to be the heaviest ever, which is 115st. Susanne Emon eats 20,000 calories a day and models for supersize websites. ‘The bigger I get, the better I feel, I feel confident and sexy.’ Unbelievably she lives in a place called Casa Grande in Arizona. But have a go at her breakfast; six scrambled eggs in butter, half pound bacon, four hash browns, six pieces of toast and butter and a 32oz cream shake… every day!

 

*Brits drink roughly 5,800 pints in a life time. They also knock back 8, 700 glasses of wine, spend £58,201, which in all generates around 726 hangovers. Meanwhile Australian, Chris Petrie was charged with drink-driving on his motorized beer-cooler (esky). He bought the 50cc powered scooter off the internet for AU$630 and said he couldn’t resist having ah few while he was building it. He got a ten month ban and AU$500 fine.

 

*Canadian Mayor Danny Lariviero of St-Theodore-d’Acton has been in a bitter and public divorce settlement with his wife Isabelle Prevost, and so for her birthday left a 20-tonne rock on her drive wrapped in a pink ribbon, saying, ‘here’s that rock you always wanted.’ Danny owns the local quarry.

 

*Three pals, Patrick Ander, Leigh Purnell and Johnno Ellison are about to enter China on their epic London to Sydney drive in a black cab. Raising cash for the Red Cross their journey takes them through 39 countries accompanied with an expected fare of £70,000. Had they rented from Avis they would have been given a booklet with some tips such as; it is illegal to drive a dirty car in Russia, you’re not allowed to drink water behind the wheel in Cyprus, only women are allowed to wear dressing gowns whilst driving in California, in Denmark you must check under your car, Spanish spectacle wearers must carry a spare set and traffic wardens have the right to confiscate your number plates in Greece.

 

*Swiss tight rope artist Freddy Nock has just walked a 2 inch thick wire 10,000ft up the Zugspitze cable cart without the aid of a balancing pole. It took him 20 minutes to trot the 3000ft climb and with out a pole it’s the longest and highest stint any mad bastard has ever achieved. He plans to knock out 7 similar world records, such as on a bike and down valleys this week in an aim to raise some loot for UNICEF – all the best Freddy.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page


 

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