Crazy Fool's Newsround - 19-26th April '07' V.231

19-26th April '07' V.231
April, 26th 2007 21:05 PM

productions presents

The scene: Its 3BC, (just after ACDC local time). fool is in a hot tub on Mt.Venus with Socrates and Banarama. (Fun Boy Three were out shopping). They’re discussion the virtues of teaching.

fool: Tis the labour of love my fellow squeezes and honoured sir.

Socrates: No, young fool, no, no, see it’s far more than that. (He says in a thick Birmingham accent)

Banarama: Is it the short skirts? (Said in unison)

(Socrates grumbles and gestures a wavered no with his hands)

fool: The euphoric fulfilment on passing on one’s knowledge, perhaps?

Socrates: No, no young fool me lad, for that would be tantamount to ones own self gratification and not, as should be, the vocation of decree.

Banarama: Is it the pertiness of the uniforms then or summit init?

fool and Socrates: Grrrrr (Is all they can muster)

Banarama: The gym slips?

(fool and Socrates are now biting their lips.)

Banarama: (f & S can now barely listen) The pay? (Is answered with sighs off relief)

Socrates: Eureka I’ve found it …

fool: Err, no that’s me sir (Banarama shake their heads) Um, something’s come up sir, I have to go. (As he slips under the water with Banarama)

Socrates: (Isn’t listening, but glares emphatically to the heavens and says,), It’s the holidays!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the front page!

Got no plans? Got no future? Something’s there - is it? Just can’t put your finger on it eh? Have no fear, quicksilver, billabong! – Something will always come up – that’s what life’s for.

But now let’s talk the turkey gibblings of quiz-time:

If Socrates didn’t say Eureka, who did?

What was a bridewell?

What was Bing Crosby’s first name?

What are pruned in coppicing?

What colour is puce?

Who was the head of the German SS?

What is the only English anagram of STARVED?

Who is the patron saint of A. Policemen B. Lovers C. Germany

All the answers to last week’s numbers are there, have a look on www.cfnr.co.uk under *Comps & Results.

Clue No.5 to WHO AM I? ‘I’m No1 in the pack, but you won’t find me out clubbing!’

Is it me?

Ok, enough nonsense, let’s give it up for:

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega – bodega – oh baby when you dance like that. This place is not just a restaurant dudes, it’s got everything. The other day I watched a bloke play an acoustic guitar, which had a double base, drum kit, trumpet, spoons and washboard built into it – weird, but good. Paul Ubana Jones is his name; if you see him around...listen - he'll blow your mind. The chorizo is good too.

GTM – probably is No.1 for garden and leisure furniture. gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn

Bootlace Holidays – good trek, good hills, good views, good people, good food, good everything – hit the link on the right.

But now folks what is in cfn this week? – Well, *Digger’s really getting stuck into those AFL mob. And *Triggers still making you, virtually, rich.

*Grub Up’s back with something he gave you before – great for these balmy Saigon days right now. There’s a new/old *Archives. *Tit-bits is always a hoot.

Then there’s all the usual, usual – and hey, what about that *Fishman eh – he had some tails! - I enjoyed that – a lot – give the fishing link on the right a click, get there before the world and his dog does!

And I’m not going to even mention the *Bongo Massif Bro’s

But now folks the heads won, so it time for rougeby:

Another busy week on the green fields of rugger. It’s a good job the games professional now, otherwise they’d have to have some pretty decent ‘sickie’ excuses.

Bristol are going guns in the Guinness Prem, and play Gloucester this weekend to play for the play-offs. As do Leicester and Wasps. These two sides will also battle it out again on 20^th May for the Heineken Cup final – it’s all happening.

In the H.C. semi’s, Wasps beat Northampton Saints 30-13, where now retired through injury, England ox, Steve Thompson slated the Johnny Foreigners who in his opinion are ruining the game, he said, “It’s no good signing players who get straight into the first team. We have got to have players worthy of that shirt.” – Reading this Dirty Gecko’s?

In the other semi, Leicester beat Llanelli Scarlets 33-17, which prompted the Welsh side’s skipper, Irishman, Simon Easterby, rather paranoid, and to say, “We lost to the better side – but that does not make us a bad side.” – No Simon, we didn’t say that. Put the cemtex down Simon

Leicester’s boss Pat Howard will go home after the H.C. final. I think he’s going back to Aus to return to being a chemist. Anyway, new Leicester coach will be ex Argie boss Marceli Loffreda, who helped the Argies beat England at Twickenham last November.

With all that going on, plus Bath playing Clermont Auvergne on the 20^th too – England are 30 players short for their first Test against the Boks in Bloemfontein on the 26^th May. In fact the whole pack is missing. It didn’t help either when emerging English hooker hopeful Dylan Hartley has just been banned for 26 weeks for eye gouging!

But what the heck eh, as skipper Vickery said, “With the Heineken Cup, the tour to S.A. leaves before that – good planning from the people running the game!”

Before we head south I’ll tell you that Mike Catt is set to win the Player’s Player of the Year award. And 7’s is going home. Back to its origins – Scotland (Too tight to play 15’s). The IRB 7’s finishes its world circuit in Edinburgh on 2-3 June.

Heading down sarf, and The Reds had their first win in 9 games over The Cheetahs (They cheat and they still don’t win!). The Reds now head to Table Mountain to play The Stormers in Cape Town. Assist coach Damon Emtage said, rather philosophically, “It was good to stop the run of losses. It is also really good to come to S.A. because we enjoy being here.” – Well that’s nice.

Cheetah’s legendary prop Ollie le Roux plays his last away game in the S14’s against The Force in Perth on Friday – he’ll finish his drinking days with Irish out fit Leinster next season.

The Sharks lost to The Chiefs 35-17, in what was, essentially, another ten man game in the S14’s – Sharks coach Dick Muir said there’ll be more of the same when they take on The Lions this Saturday, “It will be a tough and tight affair against the Lions.”

The Stormers beat The Blues last weekend 33-20, but The Crusaders will still win the whole thing!

Ok, let’s have some more inane results from around the world; In the Euro Nations Cup Russia beat the Czech Republic 62-6. N.Z. beat S.A. 31-7 in the Under 19’s world cup and in NSW, Gordon beat Southern District 86-20 – he’s good that Gordon.

Lastly, Cameron Shepherd is out for at least 6 weeks with knee troubles – that means The Wallaby’s No.15 spot is really up for grabs – is Peter Hewat from The Tah’s going to get it?

I’ll leave rugby with the league’s world cup draw of 3 pool’s for 2008; Pool 1: Australia, New Zealand, G.B, Papua New Guinea. – Now hold on, there is method in this madness; the other two pool’s will make the fourth semi-finalist – get it?

Now, is that cricket?

Bob’s still dead, Malingers’s a slinger and the Aussies are too good – now, is that cricket?

Pollock, Kallis, Gibbs and Boucher are the only ‘Is-its’ to remain from that ‘99’ semi where Allan Donald was run out in the last over against Australia and the game finished in a draw – Aus went through on account of beating them earlier in the tournament. Reflecting on it Boucher said, “That match did leave one or two scars, but if you’re going to have a long career, you are going to have scars.”

I reckon they have a few more now, especially after McGrath took them apart in St. Lucia with 3-18. Shaun Tait helped the rest get out for 149! – But I don’t like him much; I think he’s a tosser. But anyway, Glenn has the wicket record now on 25, topping Charminda Vaas’ of 23 in 2003.

Ponting said, what effectively is, “So far in this tournament we’ve done everything that has been asked of us. Our execution has been great.” – Quick, phone Det. Insp. Shields right now – there’s your man!

In the other semi Murali took apart The Black Caps with 4 wkts – 3 in 6 balls! When asked about bowling around the wicket he said, “It seems that you can’t see which way the ball is going it’s harder.” – Smart Murali.

Stephen (Note; never Steve!) Flemming (Note; never Ian) simply said, “We were outclassed they had a lot of artillery in their attack and if you do make mistakes they can hurt you.” – Quick call Det. Insp. Shields – there’s your suspect’s right there!

Ok, let’s move on Fletch has gone, long live Peter Moores – he reminds me of Geoff Hurst a bit! – Anyway, Fletcher didn’t really want to go, he said, “It’s difficult to be going. I enjoyed the job and still thought I had a lot to offer.” – Oh well, never mind – thanks for coming.

Either way, both him and Geoff Moores! - Are of the opinion that Vaughan will stay as Captain of both the one-dayers and the Tests. He hinted at it a bit when asked the question of one captain for both games – also on the relations between coach and captain, “Lots of things make teams tick and work – and that’s one of the critical ones.” He then concluded, “My job is to get the players playing great cricket again. – I reckon he’ll smile more than Fletch.

Let’s finish cricket with some Lara stats: Born in Trinidad, one of 11 siblings. He is the leader in Test runs with 11,953 in 132 games. He’s had the record for Test runs in a match twice. And the only player to get a quintuple – 501 not out for Warwickshire against Durham in 1994. He made his test debut against Pakistan in 1990, and got his first ton in 1993 against…Australia – 277. In 1994 he surpassed Sobers Test run best with 375 in Antigua against England. Hayden pinched that in 2003 – 6 months later Lara pinched it back with 400 not out in Antigua against England! – He never got a century at Lords.

Other sports…ish:

Last weekends London Marathon was the hottest ever at 73 degrees. One poor bloke died and the highest ever quit – 617 of 36,391 starters. Kenyan Martin Lel won in 2hrs 7m 41sec and in the lady’s Chanxin Zhon from Cardiff! - won in 2hrs 20mn 38sec. 43 year-old Lloyd Scott and two pals dressed as Indiana Jones and pulled a 23stone boulder behind them – how did he get it there?

Huge boulders

Joe Calzaghe 35 may give up his WBO super-middleweight belt if he doesn’t get what he wants. He’s been the champ for over 10 years, has defended his title 20 odd times, and now is supposed to fight some Rusky Denis Inkin, he said, “I do not need Inkin. I’ve only got 2 or 3 fights left and I want big names like, Jermain Taylor, Bernard Hopkins, Roy Jones or preferably, Mikkel Kessler.” – I wants don’t get Joe.

3D image Hawk eye will be used at Wimbledon this year. – Good.

82 year-old Antony Warren went to watch a football game last weekend and ended up reffing, with wife Margaret 78, young slip of a girl, time keeping. The scheduled ref had to pull up injured, Antony said, “I hesitated for a bit, but the players said, ‘Please do it for us.’ They never gave me any trouble. They were all quite respectful.” – Well they are in Llanbedr Gwynedd. - Barmoth & Diffryn beat Real Llandudno 9-2.

Manjit Singh pulled a 7 ton Jetstream 41 aeroplane 12 feet with his ears, near his home town Leicester. – Perhaps he should give Lloyd a hand.

Ok, other nonsense:

Blind Miles Hilton-Barber 57 from Duffield Derby’s flew his microlight plane to Aus using talking software. – ‘Where you been Miles’ – ‘Yeah!’

There’s been a threefold increase in mental patients from the use of cocaine in the UK. Prof Denise Lievesly of the NHS info centre of health and social care said, “The increase in the use of Class A drugs – fuelled by higher consumption of cocaine gives care for concern.” – Exactly, I thought the peasants were only allowed to eat cake.

It was St. George’s day the other, also ANZAC day, and bizarrely Aussie day in Saigon for some reason! Anyway; on St. Georges Day, England’s national sporting stadium, Wembley, didn’t fly the flag. A spokesman explained why, “There was no deliberate decision not to fly the flag – it’s just that we don’t have a flag pole.” – These places didn’t either The Houses of parliament – no more sauce from you then. Downing Street – Tony’s just gay. Buckingham palace – darn Greek and German sausages. These places did; The Home Office – Bond. Dept Trade & Industry – Richard Branson’s house. Bristol Cathedral – the sight of any Bristol’s is enough to raise the flag pole!

There’s a new planet been found. 20.5 light years away, and it resembles earth. It is 1.5 times bigger than earth, has temperatures of zero – 40C and is in the constellation of Libra. Boffs found this out by looking through a telescope on top of a mountain in Chile. – Bloke down the pub could have told em.

Sheryl Crow reckons one piece of toilet paper is enough and any more is just a waste, she says, “I don’t want to rob any law – abiding American of his or her God-given rights but I think we are an industrious people that we can make it work with only one square per rest room visit.’ – She’s also designing clothes with extended napkins on the sleeves – she’s also nuts.

one sheet only

Ok, lastly, Crocs ate a nine year-old boy in Beihai, South China, after he terrorised it with sticks and a catapult. Xinhua News Agency said, “They shot the crocs there with catapults and beat them with sticks. One irate crocodile pulled Liu in the water and ate him.” – Well you would wouldn’t you. Presumably the other crocs were into a touch of S&M stuff, ‘Ooh yeah, you bitch, yeah that it, ooh yeah, right on my head, ow that’s good, oo ya bastard, that’s the spot, that’s the spot.’