Crazy Fool's Newsround - 19-25th Oct 07 Volume 255

19-25th Oct 07 Volume 255
October, 25th 2007 03:25 AM

That was the week weren’t it…

Self Made Man (part I)

Cast: fool, Syd, Paul, Ernie, Bazza, The Pope.

Scene: A musky, dark, smoke filled pub. Standing around a barrel quaffing a casual ale, fool, Syd, Paul, Ernie and Bazza are all loosely entwined in the power boat racing on the telly mixed in with the casual banter of work, success and the general loose trappings of prosperity in all its forms. The Pope is in the corner supping a quiet one and eating some nuts.

Syd: (remarking on one of the boats flipping over) Corr mate he copped it there, in the lead with one lap to go!

fool: Yeah, that kind of character’d never make it.

Syd: No fool? Why’s that?

fool: Well, you could see it in that last turn, he weren’t on the throttle enough coming out was he? Didn’t have the oomph, didn’t have the get up for.

Paul: Well I suppose you could say…

fool: (interrupts) You see, it’s about givin it, init. Now look at me, I wasn’t brung on the silver side of the tracks, but at least I know how to do stuff. I learnt to be a self taught mechanic by the age of 14.

Bazza: Yeah, that’s right fool.

fool: Yeah, I know. Anyway, I was an interior decorator for the big knobs in Kensington by the time I was 21 – self made man, mate.

Bazza: Well you painted your brother’s co worker’s basement flat in Pimlico, fool.

fool: (in a loud wail) Yeah, amongst other stuff Baz. (Calms down and continues) And what about me being self –taught on the trumpet. I played in a festival in Spain with Arthur Brown – none other than the Crazy World of Arthur Brown I should add. (Begins to calm down) Then there’s the computer. You didn’t see me in Fat Razzman’s class learning about space bars and font’s. No mate, I was on the front line of independence working out tabs alt control and F5 all on me own mate. I travelled extensively throughout Europe…no, the world. I speak bloody several languages for arse’ sake…all self taught, French, German, Spanish, you name it…

Ernie: (Looking at fool perplexed) You speak French fool?

fool: (Looks at Ernie with slight despise) No!

The Pope: Hey fool I couldn’t help overhearing, you speak German?

fool: (Long pause) Nein.

(Everyone turns back to the power boats. fool disgruntled, mutters to himself.)

Narrator: Don’t get it.

fool: Well, he’s a self-made man that really isn’t, but the Pope is German.

Narrator: Don’t get it.

fool: What’s it matter, you’re not even in it.

fool goes home

Cut, cut, cut, for Pete’s sake, cut to the quiz:

1. What song is Arthur Brown best known for?

2. If you are crapulous what are you full of?

3. In cricket, what name is given to 111runs?

4. Which civilisation invented the arch?

5. Which fatal gas does burning coal emit?

6. Which country has the most coastline in the world?

7. What is the USA’s rugby union team called?

8. Which famous writer wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? A) Ian Flemming B) Roald Dahl C) Enid Blyton

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results – for all the answers to the comps!

WHO AM I? And let’s give it up for part II (Whatever that means – ‘give it up’ – bit Yank eh!), as clue No.1 was un-got – argh the grammar in this section is beautiful! So, no further ado, clue No.2: “I had a pal at this siege who later had an English pop star named after him!”

is it me?

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment*NEW *NEW***

More Famous Horses

Vic…Lt.-Col. Custer

Kantaka…Buddha

Fubuki…Emperor Hirohito

Silver…The Lone Ranger

Haizum,,,Archangel Gabriel

Copenhagen…Wellington

Shadowfax…Gandalf

Bucephalus…Alexander the Great

Trigger…Roy Rogers

A fully grown oak tree expels 7 tons of water through its leaves in a day.

But now those who can only afford the bus please step aside for…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine, sangria, mojito, live music, amazing food – what more do you want? – See what’s on every Wednesday in the *classifieds

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh October– cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds - Quite getting into the burgers this week dude.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant – is it nearer to you?

*classifieds – something for the weekend?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

*Digger has all the necessary ingredients for another bout of the AFL doings this week, so why not tune in.

And

*Trigger knows when to or not look a gift horse in the moosh. PLUS SEE TRIGGER'S PAGE FOR WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE MELBOURNE CUP HERE IN VIETNAM.

*Tit-bits – will settle for an array of multi coloured humour to tickle your fancy *Grub–Up will continue to delight you with Cameron Diaz’ lips on the side, whilst *Fishman – informs the fool he could be back at the helm in a couple of weeks, and *Bongo Massif Bro’s – fool’s been studying you…

Mr. Meaner…tether, end of, my, getting, the, to, I’m

for you Mr. Meaner

But now it’s ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.

Don’t start with the cryptic shit fool – tell us what you think.

What the fool thinks is just about what Eddie Jones said after this epic final, yes epic. And fool loves it when Eddie says, ‘we’;

“The final was Test match rugby – a slugathon. If people don’t like that type of rugby, then they don’t like Test match rugby. I think we showed that we were the best team in the competition.” – That it be.

If you look back through the annals of rugby history from the great Tests of every pedigree from 19 O’Chocolate’s ‘Invincible’s’ tour to the most recent of Webb Ellis bash-ups – the scores have always been in the 15-3, 12-9, 18-12 bracket – simply because that’s Test rugby and tries are notoriously hard to come by, taking into account a far better defence or not. – The fool rests his case your Honour (Blackman) – (phoarrr – she’s 80 fool – phoarrr!!!)

We could argue that reduced points for kicks would be the way to go, would encourage more effort to cross the line, but seriously would we see more tries – the fool nay think so.

But let’s not rack on in the administrational department about administrational stuff – that’s their department – let’s talk nonsensical fool final talk:

If the first half saw a slow build up of South African dominance it was only to be expected that they’d have to defend that dominance in the second, which was exactly the case. (Thought you rested that).

Victor Matfield had a huge game, not for simply nicking six of England’s throws, which ultimately won the game, and who’d have thought that by the way?

But the fool digresses, for it was his all round athleticism and work rate he excelled in, which personally would have put him top of the IRB Player of the Year ranking’s instead of team mate and bloke who can’t really speak (Literally) Bryan Habana.

But with that added ball from the set it gave South Africa enough oomph to wellie the ball down field at their leisure and trotting back in defence eventually takes its toll.

The first half had the intenseness of a Rocky Marciano bout with plenty of grunt, little flair but a good way to size up the opposition – Smit immediately noted; “They (England) were a completely different side tonight. It was anyone’s game and they played particularly well.” – Argh the gloat of success.

Then Jason Robinson limped off the field injured towards the end of the half and you sensed it might not be England’s luckiest night. He later said, “It was the loneliest walk I could remember.” – I don’t know, because there was that British woman who walked solo around the world, I mean, she may not have seen folk for weeks…months.

Moving on, as gay Percy put a stranglehold on kicking supremacy the second half was much about South Africa holding on from wave after wave of ug-big-heap-full-ug-of-attack-ug from England, although occasionally and only occasionally did they kick away the wrong option.

Two minutes into the second half Tait, who has come of age in this tournament broke through the middle, as Steyn had done through him in the first half, but in this break Tait got to a gnats cock from the line before Burger illegally killed the ball and after advantage played was eventually fed out to Cueto on the wing who was remarkably tackled by a valiant Rossouw, just enough to prompt the English wing to scratch the line with his little toe.

Three minutes in the TMO’s office, - it took that long because of translation problems not the actual decision, the decision came back declaring no try – and no cigar.

England continued to pound away with brute force and some entertaining backline stuff throughout the whole second half, but the Boks were resilient, as Mark Regan noted; “We took it to them, had more ball, more territory. But they refused to break – fair play to them.” – And fair play to self made man – he knows what it’s all about!

England then simply ran out of steam, they used all their subs, but were denied by a team that are so well drilled in securing ball or defending it, that they are just a very difficult team to beat, as every top nation has found out this year.

It may not have been pretty, but it was Test rugby and the fool would hate to see a meaningless try fest just to please a pathetically phallacy-ian public, at the expense of fundamental basics. (Ed. Don’t use Shakespearean jargon)

South Africa won a good game, Vickery said so, “I’m not going to sit here and make excuses, you can talk about the decisions going the wrong way, but the bottom line is we didn’t take our opportunities. Congratulations to South Africa, they were the best side in this tournament and thoroughly deserved to win.” – Bastards.

Robinson, Dally, Shaw, Kay, Regan, Corry, Gomarsal Catt and Lewsey will now all waft back into the domestic ether now, but as All Black Byron Kelleher said, “You can’t replace experience. No matter how much flair and talent might be coming through from youth, experience is what it’s all about.” He was actually commentating on why Mauger and Howlett weren’t on in the last twenty minutes against the French, but it worked here – sort of.

‘Back to the day job’, as Dally commented.

The last line goes to winning captain, John Smit, who dishes out nothing but adulation for his boss, “Jake White, what he has done in the past four years is unbelievable. He has given us the direction and confidence to win this World Cup.” – And so they did – bastards!

Games to watch over the weekend:

None, sit back and relax and never try to think of South Africa!

World cup shorts:

Best stat: England sank 65m pints on that Saturday – enough to fill 15 Olympic pools.

Biggest idiot: fool for telling everyone for years to put money on England winning this World Cup, and even when odds were 35-1 he himself never got around to actually making the bet!

Best comment of the week: “It was absolutely surreal, I feel much like I did when

We won it four years ago, a bit dazed.” – Mike Catt – well he is 46.

The Odds: fool is taking bets that England WILL win the next World Cup. Everyone has youth, but England have an abundance of world class 21 year-olds in the wings.

Some off the cup shorts:

Habana got IRB Player of the Year, as mentioned. South Africa team and Jake White coach – well you would wouldn’t you. Takudzwa Ngwenya got try of the year with that burn on Habana for USA and Gareth Edwards and John Eales made it into the Hall of Fame. – here here.

Johnno’s – ugh ugh, Smit’s best ever scary film XV seen as it’s Halloween next week and the fool should be doing it then but then he wouldn’t be the crazy fool…eh!

15. Hellraiser 14. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang 13. Grateful Dead! 12. Evil Dead 11. Nightmare on Elm Street 10. The Exorcist 9. Poltergeist 8.Friday 13th 7. Salem’s Lot 6. Shining 5. 4. Vertigo 3. The Blob 2. Pyscho 1. Omen

Other Results:

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket now:

Andrew Strauss has been dropped from the Test side to play Sri Lanka in Sri Lanka in December because he’s South African, he said, “To say it hurts is a massive understatement. In truth it is the culmination of a long, tiring and ultimately frustrating 12 months in which little has gone my way. I’ve been the victim of some poor umpiring decisions and a few incredibly good balls delivered at just the wrong moment. But I still have to take responsibility for my less than satisfactory contribution.” – Don’t be so hard on yourself – it’s just because you’re South African.

In light of Graeme Swann coming on the scene Monty says he is putting his selection outcome in the hands of the selectors – oh those Sikhs are canny eh. He says, “I’m a pretty easy going guy and if you feel you are trying your best then what more can you do?” – Stab Swann!

Sri Lanka in the meantime will play a Test or two in Australia next month and Murali is looking to bag Warne’s 708 haul – he’s 9 short of clipping it. But do the Aussies like him? Trevor Bayliss the Lanks boss has trepidation for the chucker on his arrival and says, “I hope they treat him with respect and recognition.” – I’m sure they will…

Jayawardene is backing his man, “He’s taken so many wickets around the world and this is one of the places he has to prove that he is one of the top bowlers in the world, so I think he’s looking forward to the challenge.” – The fool actually thinks Murali is mad, he looks it, but then he’s crazy.

The Indians will then go to Oz for a Test series and it will be heated as Yuvraj explains, “We have said things to them when they were here and obviously they will say some things to us when we go there. “ – There you go, how conclusive – some things have been, and will be said.

Till next week…

Other sports:

Ice cool, Kimi fuckinghellthefinn Raikinnen slipped into the World Championship chair without anybody noticing.

The Ham could only manage a 7^th spot and ultimately 2^nd overall – at least he beat the Bitch!

There was a small glimmer of hope for the Ham as Rosberg, Kubico and Heidfeld were in danger of losing some points for using a lower temperature fuel, but it didn’t fruit. – Fuel never does!

The Ham was probably right when he said that if it had been a McClaren that used the same tactic there would have been a penalty, but he’s taking no sour grapes (There’s the fruit) from the idea, “I want to do it in style. I would feel weird after Kimi did a great job. To have it taken away would be cruel and not good for the sport. It’s not the way to win a championship. It’s over and done with.” – Pass the mustard.

oh dad

All accolades to Kimi, he knew it on lap one; “I could see in my mirrors Hamilton was next to Alonso in turn three and that he had a problem. I realised we had the chance we hoped for – the first lap proved to be decisive for the whole championship.” – Kimi – is that a bit of a girls name?

He went on to express his winning feeling, “I’m so happy it hurts. This is like a dream come true. This is something I’ve wanted since I was a child.” – Hats off to you old bean

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

And seriously not a lot this week as fool’s tools of the trade have been at the doctors – sick computer.

From a survey of 62 – million quid lottery winners, it was established that a soak in a bath, afternoon snoozes and a stroll in the park brought most happiness – yeah that and you’ve got a million in the bank!

what you might find in the park

60 years ago the first chicken tikka massala was born. It all happened in Oct 1947 in a restaurant in New Delhi where the owner installed the first industrial tandoor Indian stove. To celebrate they cooked a new version of butter chicken. Since 2001 it’s been the UK’s No.1 dish. This week is also national curry week in Britain. – I just had one.

hot

Jamie Lee Curtis has been voted No.1 for the sexiest film scene ever for her comedy striptease in True Lies, according to current.com website. Second was Kim Bassinger in 9½ Weeks – for just being sexy all the way through and third Salma Hayden for her raunchy dance in Dusk Till Dawn.

Crazy Rock n roll capes part VIII: Alice Cooper on Marilyn Manson during their bitch years, “He has a woman’s name and wears make-up. How original.”

now take that

Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.13: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish – if you’re thinking they’re very old, it’s because they are!

Ok lastly, yes I told you it was short this week: In a playground in Argentina a swing swings unaided, and has done for the past four months. Sometimes it will swing for ten days at a time non-stop then suddenly stop. Police have been called in and scientists too, but can they find anything wrong, no! There are no magnets, no strings, just one swing in a group of 4 swings that swings…on its own. Teacher Maria de Silva Augustina declared, “We believe it is haunted.” – As mentioned in the rugby XV team, fool celebrates All Souls day early!