(Bullets flaying everywhere. Rockets have destroyed the only strong point. ‘Q' Company are in a shell hole on the edge of the Tigris)

Private cf: "Ooh baby when you dance like that"  (begins to rise and shake his hips)

Sergeant:  "Cut it out Private fool, you is in battle you raving poofta." 

Private cf: "I can't help it sarge, it just gets me. ‘Ere, listen." (hands over his iPod)

(Sergeant's eyebrow raises, his lip curls and his hips start to move)

Sergeant: "I've got a plan, fool. See those tannoys on those poles over there...'

Still got it

Every time, every time I tell ya, shouldn't be allowed. Bird down the pub reckons every middle aged man knows Shakira. Well, my hips don't lie, but I'd be damned if I could tell you what her face looks like. But that's the beauty of it / her / those / them...but its all beauty, isn't it? Be it in the eye of the beholder or the shaky, bouncy, uplifting - ever so slightly goose pimpled glisten of it... / her / those / them. Things like that / them / those...phoarw...all hot under the collar now...don't just wobble like jelly on a plate, they quiver, quaver and waver like the Shak-ira form that she / it / those / them are, then they gyrate, hop, skip and dance their way to the most pleasure-a-bubbly humanely-able of folk's domains.

Please excuse me while I go and blow my nose. In the mean time tuck into this week's quiz:

1. Does Daniel Craig, as Bond, have his Martini's ‘shaken, not stirred'?

2. Mary Ann Nicholas and Mary Kelly were victims of who?

3. What is a compote?

4. What is the only English anagram of ANTAGONIST?

5. Which desert spreads into South West Africa from Botswana?

6. What was Al Jolsen's most famous line?

7. Who managed a UK N0.1 with a song about a dustman?

8. What are the secret identities of A) The Incredible Hulk. B) Batman. C) Spiderman.

Good, all good, good, good. For last week's answers look under Comps & results on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/    Shakira Shakira. Shake a stick at the lyrics and spot the ball too.

WHO AM I? Is up to its third week, and to be honest cf can't even give this one away. Clue N0.3 "I run pretty fast, in fact I ran the fastest this...sorry, last year...twice and my surname is the same as a paedophile scout finder."

To those who have their names in lights we salute thee: Pacharan; bloody good Bodega, what, what. GTM; probably the best garden and leisure furniture in the world. Fosters; as drunk by the pro's. Vasco's; where the pro's drink. Blue Gecko; where pro's are made. Bootlace Holidays; where the pro's go to unwind and Inkslinger Tattoo's; where the pro's go to get tatt's, of course.

That was the week that was, so what's on in this week's cfn? *Digger's got his teeth into something and *Trigger's got the trots! *Poetry Corner's cooking up something hot and *Grub-up's baked. *tit-bits are ever so and *TiV's timeless classic is coming to an end. Meanwhile the *Sport has something new, *Archives is always a pleasure. Would you like to *Sponsor? And the *Ashes are all change. The *Fishman cometh, and *The Bongo Massif Bro's are really beginning to get on my wick.

Meanwhile back in the yard of rugby:

Do I keep saying it? If I haven't said it yet then I'll say it now - It's really happening folks, it is actually happening, they're nailing him up, Reg!   (Reg) ‘Right this calls for an immediate meeting.'

The Super 14's and RBS Six Nations are not happening just yet, but the Heineken Cup is, and bar from Leicester's 13-6 away win over Munster, which the Tigers skipper, Martin Corry described as, "An incredibly special feeling. Every player stood up to the challenge and this is a huge win." - Apart from that there were no real upsets, which wasn't really an upset because with Leicester's win it means both teams go through.

No real upsets if you don't count the fact that Irish veteran Trevor Brennan punched the shite out of an Ulster fan! Yeah, no shit. He was about to come on as sub for his Toulouse side when an Ulster supporter made a flippant insult about his (Trevor's) pub. Trevor swung around, hurdled the ad boards and dove into him. If that wasn't enough team mate Gareth Thomas also joined in. Trevor got sin-binned in the 43^rd minute and Toulouse won 28-13.

So in the quarters are; favourites, Biarritz at home in San Sebastian to Northampton Saints, whose boss Paul Grayson described Biarritz as, "A hell of a team." And, "When they don't want you to score, you don't."  - Well how are you going to win then?

Llanelli Scarlets host Munster - should be a good one. London Wasps host Leinster - another goodun. And Leicester Tigers welcome Stade Francais. I'm only going to stick a chin or an eyebrow out here, not the whole neck, and pick Leicester for a win. But there will definitely be a punch up in the other two games.

Onto the Antipodean's and ‘Is-it' side of things and the Super 14's are chomping at the bit for 2^nd Feb. That is apart from 22 All Blacks who are being rested for the first half of the tournament. Ex Australian coach Eddie Jones said, "Losing 22 players from five teams, yes they'll be missed. But New Zealand is the only country in the world that could possibly contemplate doing that and doing it well." - You just can't wait can you eh? That day will come...sooner than you think - I mean a New Zealand loss not the Super 14's

Some superfluous S14 warm-up game results; Reds 9-38 Blues. Crusaders 28 Force12. Warratahs 12-0 Brumbies. I bet the Red's and Blue's are really miffed they haven't got fancy names. ‘Hey boss why haven't we got a name like the Brumbies or the Tah's. Can't we be called the Goatee's or the Bundemberks?'

Eddie Jones went on to give his predictions for glory - see if you can spot any surprises; Auckland, Wellington, Canterbury, Waikato, Warratahs, Brumbies and Cheetahs. Notice he didn't spot his own team, the Queensland Reds / Goatee's or Bundemberks whatever they are? By the way, the Reds / Goatee's / Bunemberks beat Samoa 31-3. Did Ben Tune get a game? He's on a come back you know?

Go the Force.

Keeping in that neck of the woods, the ARU have started their world cup ad campaign called ‘Get Onside' - coming to a T.V. set near you. And Fijian superstar Sireli Naqelevuki has been suspended for smoking cannabis - cha man.

On the international side of things, Chris Paterson has been named captain of the Scots. Jason White (prolific flanker of worthy, worthy note) is still injured. Chris said its something he ‘relishes'. - I like radish personally!

Meanwhile Wilko's coming back. See; mark the fool's words - 2007, World Cup final, into extra time...

He is a Talisman, a Warne, a Latham, a Macaw, an Edwards a Cambell, an Irvine. He is all the above. Loathe him or love him, respect him or diss him - just take note of him, he changes things, be it psychological or physical.

Welsh No.9 star, and quite probably the best No.9 in the business at the moment, Dwayne (shite name) Peel said of the England, "Everyone is looking at Ireland for the title but you can never write off England, who are the dark horses this year." - Neighhhhhh

Mel Berry welsh capt

Wilko probably won't get a game till the latter stages of the Six Nations. And aside from the winners for that tournament, which bloke down the pub said France will win. cf says Ireland. Who will win the World Cup besides, of course New Zealand? cf again stuck his neck out and stayed with England, much to the amusement of blokes down the pub - an Aussie refused to even recognise the deal, an Irishman laughed uncontrollably and a Wily Scot squinted his eyes. cf is sticking to his guns.

Late news is that Andy Farrell will play in the N0.12 shirt for England on 3^rd Feb and Gavin Henson is tipped for the No.15 Welsh jersey against the Irish on 4^th Feb. Winners will be France, England, and Ireland - bet ya.

yoohoo

Onto the wonderful world of cricket

Flintoff's on his own. Vettori's only 28! And Mike Hussey can talk the talk but does he walk?

Does he fuck!

Ok, lets be honest, Australia had a little heart blimp against England and the Black Caps last week. Against both sides they lost early wickets and had to rely on yes that man Fluesy or Hussey or what ever his name is, but did they ever look like losing?

As Black Caps Stephen Flemming reflected on ‘opportunities', when they had Australia at 3-17, he said, "If you put those chances away then we had a great opportunity, but good teams don't give you a second chance, that is what we have learned the hard way."

Try telling that to Fred who still hasn't won a game as captain yet.

Saying that, England really did sink to their ultimate lowest on Tuesday (v.N.Z.) with a batting display that should have had an ‘X' rated certificate. It was a horror film, a shocker, a snuff movie. Freddie's hard work of 4-21 in the bowling stakes was all shot in the vein! As he said about the batting, "Ed Joyce (47) showed it could be played on - but the rest of us were below par."

Chasing a target of 211 England were all out for, what was it? 120 in 37 overs!

Meanwhile. Hussey's getting 68*. Clarke 75. Oram 86 (he's 6ft 7 - a short arse compared to Tremlett) and Craig McMillan 89 off 87. But no, you're right Ed Joyce did get 47!

It seems after the Caps win over England on Tuesday Flemming was a bit surprised, he said, "We were massively surprised at how easy it was in the end." He then went on to really take the piss; "England have been through a long and tough tour - I'm sure being away for so long is really having its effects." - bless em eh!

England's John Lewis is still upbeat though. He said this before the N.Z. game, as he looked towards the Aussie game, which incidentally is on Friday, which incidentally is Australia Day, "Australia are definitely not unbeatable. They are a very good side, but we can beat them." - I'm going to take you up on that and agree - England will win a thriller on Friday!!!!!!! - Any serious takers - contact me on my contact page.

But back in the land of bitch, 36 year old England wicket keeper Paul Nixon, who bloke down the pub likens to Andre Nel - a twat, is a self confessed nutter, whose nickname is ‘The badger' because as he says himself, "I'm mad for it."

Anyway, he's spent hours behind Hussey in county cricket and respects him, but, and as in the Kiwi game, was sure there was a ‘nick'. The female fox explains...oh no that's vixen isn't it...Nixon explains, "I'll be the first to give guys a bit of stick on the pitch and the first to buy them a beer off it." He explains, he explains, "If I feel strongly he's nicked it and not walked, I'll give him stick and rightly so. The Aussies would do the same." - It doesn't matter, it doesn't really matter.

Hussey may not be a Johnny Walker, but the Punts has, and for all good reason, high regards for him. He said, "He is a very good finisher and someone has asked me whether he has stepped into the Michael Bevan mould as he is doing as well as Bevan ever did." - have your say in Gibber-Gibber.

Meanwhile, the Windies needed 20 runs off the final over to snag India's ODI total of 339 - yes - 339! but didn't get it. Chanderpaul finished on 149* and the Red Stripes fell 14 runs short in Nagpur.

The Paki's also pulled off a 5 wicket victory in the second Test in P.E against S.A. with Younis Khan collecting 67 and Kamra Ahmed 57. That steered them clear past the target of 191 and levelled the series 1-1. The ‘final' takes place in Cape Town on Friday

Younis

And lastly Australia and India are in talks to play a couple of ODI's in New York and Toronto in 2007 - steer clear of pig farms is what cf says.

Keep on the go

Other sporting moments

Ricky Hatton beat up Juan Urango for the IBF world light welterweight title and said, "Let me tell you it was a tough fight. He was pissing me off when he kept hitting me hard and, yes, I became frustrated because I was hitting him with some good solid shots, but fuck all happened.' - Gotta love Ricky eh. He goes on, "Anyway I'm reasonably happy and feel I reminded people I do have the ability to box. I'm not just a mauler and brawler."

Everyone loves Ricky. Michael Caine was in the crowd and Tom Jones rang him up to wish him luck. Ricky said, "I asked, ‘Tom who?' And he said Tom Jones, I told him to eff off!" - He'll now fight Luis Castillo in June for £3m.

Vitali Klitschko's making a comeback. He's been retired for 2 years! Next stop, WBC title against Oleg Makaev in Moscow on 21^st April - oh those Russians.

And in the Australian Open 16 year old Austrian Tamira Paszek has got really big tits.

Ok, briefly keeping with sport; Brit skateboarder David Cornthwaite has just skateboarded 3,618 miles from Perth to Brisbane. He sped through 13 pairs of shoes and 5 sets of wheels. On route he took in the Nullarbor Plain, Melbourne and Sydney. Talking of the Plain he said, "It was empty, it was a long stretch, it was very hot and there were barely any turns. So I had to put my head down and really try not to focus on the end of the road, purely because I couldn't see it." - Bit like marriage!

Watch out for the snakes

Some global tit-bitilations

Some good news; sword swallower Hannibal Helmurto is ok. He had to leave the stage, bleeding 2 months ago after he...well stabbed himself. He had an infection in his larynx, which meant he couldn't relax his throat. But the trooper who's been on ‘drip' food since said, "It hasn't put me off performing." - I wonder who was the first to try that?

No Hannibal no

More good news B.A. has lifted its ban on the wearing of crosses - religious symbols are back in favour again - hooray.

you can put the cross back on

Tom (not mad) Cruise is a bit of a ‘Christ' in the Scientology world. The wacko troop's leader David Miscavige (pronounced mischievous), who stem from an ancient alien civilisation said, "Like Christ, he's been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right." - That's right Tom, you don't listen to them.

Which one is Christ?

Dame Edna Everidge celebrated her 50^th anniversary this week, and Perth commemorated her with her own dollar coin. What lovely possums.

Crystal meth is to become a class ‘A' drug in the UK - that's nice; it needs its own recognition. Methamphetamine as it is known by folk in white coats is also known as, ice, crazy medicine, go-fast and Nazi-crank, as reputedly Hitler used to use it twice a day! Who doesn't?

on it

The ship wreck of the century took place this week off the South Devon coast in the UK. MSC Napoli sprung a leak and spilled its cargo. At least 40 containers of the 2,394 on board the 60,000t tonne ship washed up on the shores of Branscombe beach. Folk came from far and wide skipping work and school to grab the booty. You would too; up for grabs were 15 brand new BMW K1200 GT motorbikes worth £10k each!

MSC Napoli

Pro looter for the day, Gareth Topping said after getting the ‘go-ahead' from police, "There were cars, car parts, tractors, barrels, books, all sorts. I filled out a form and was told if the shipping firm didn't claim it back within a year its mine"

plenty of booty

Kids were selling BMW car rear windows for £200 a pop. There was nickel, appliances, washing machines, shoes, bibles, cat food, nappies, pesticides, acids (Nazi-crank), pictures, paintings. One on-looker said, ‘it was like a scene from Mad Max.'

I found this

Ten steering wheel airbags are already on eBay! Billy Bragg, who lives there now called the oil slick an absolute disaster - write a song about it Billy and make loads of cash.

Ok, lastly, and this is great, US Company Under-Tec have made air tight fit underpants / boxers with a built in filter. The ‘gas eaters' as they are called are a ‘serious product that serves a purpose.' The spokesman from Under-Tec goes on, ‘They relieve the pain without the shame.' And ‘improve social confidence." - I bet, is it Madge - Dame Edna's mate? I bet she wears them.

get them now

Oh baby when you dance like that...

cf