Crazy Fool's Newsround - 18th - 24th Sept 09 volume 347

18th - 24th Sept 09 volume 347
September, 23rd 2009 18:16 PM

“A smash of glass and a rumble of boots

An electric train and a ripped up phone booth

Paint splattered walls and the cry of a tomcat

Lights going out and a kick in the balls

That’s entertainment”

(The Jam)

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: Following his successful documentary on Russian Wives for Penguins, fool has made a second film about cross cultural marriages, this time between the Sudanese Dinka tribe, who traditionally opt for obese-ness as befits their eye’s beauty along with the old saying, ‘big is beautiful’ and the Paduang tribe of South East Asia, who’s women folk adorn golden rings around the neck at the rate of one a year in order to elongate tt, till their marrying length would be a staggering 25cm’s.

King Tubby: When she mentioned the neck I couldn’t wait to meet her…

Narrator: They honeymooned in Madagascar where King Tubby ate her

1. Where exactly are the Paduang tribe located?

2. What type of animal is a Sooty Mangabey?

3. In Old English which word meant a field?

4. Ely stands on which river?

5. Which complaint was the Jacuzzi originally developed to help?

6. Which homonyms could be a primary colour or slang for wasted as in a chance?

7. What is the main currency of Malaysia?

8. A Talking Heads song title was taken as their name by which band? A) Smashing Pumpkins B) Radiohead C) Human League

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – If you’d said Captain Kirk or even William Shatner, you’d be wrong. Let’s have another go… Clue No.1, “Generally a smug looking bastard, but I got the chicks.” Clue No.2: “Just a blue rinse for me.” And No.3 “Shirley Winters would have got it if she weren’t a-kin!”

Is it me?

This is the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in: For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 36 or 37 if we’re strictly going by the Gregorian calendar and due to the fact fool’s missed a week.

For those who like ones; one’s and brackets and LZ:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Aye: 1 (1)

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

All castles had one major weakness: the enemy used to get in through the gift shop

Bill Bailey

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME BALLET TERMS

FOUETTE . whipping move of the leg, often to create momentum to perform a turn or jump

JETE . basic ballet step; a jump from one foot to the other

PAS . a basic ballet step; often omitted as a prefix in ballet terms

PAS DE DEUX . dance for two

fool’s Gold

Candy floss was invented in America in 1897 and was originally called fairy floss

The human heart pumps between 1,350 and 1,650 gallons of blood in a day

Camels have three eyelids to protect their eyes from blowing sand

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Blockages: Nothing neither sordid nor coarse here, alas, nay even figurative in its own expression, but literally blockages. It all started with a stretch of tarpaulin from where under the canteen would sprawl. To be honest I was inclined to believe it all started when someone had obviously received bad news and sat by the river slowly removing his clothes as he repeatedly read a letter over and over, but that’s another story! No, here, back with the canteen, a late night digger came to level the vacant land and mysteriously overnight huge concrete sewage pipes were to be found and gone the next day. It was obviously too good to be true that any sizeable stretch of mud would be untenanted for too long and as sure as eggs are eggs the trucks appeared in force, the bricks soon followed in haste to be lain along the stringed plum lines. Foundations had already started as said with the canteen, but now evidence of hardened clay was cemented in the void. So dreams of a play area, a field, a small park perhaps littered with the ebullience of innocence and scattered with spent syringes by night – oh happy days! Were all slashed No longer shall I be able to see the freedom of nature’s bush as it cradles by the meandering watery vein that ebbs past the swaying elephants over yonder, as a kid with thick rimmed glasses is throwing hunks of bamboo at them, but this celestial wasteland on terra-firma will be blocked by Sodom and Gomorra’s currency –Blockages…and long winded passages about shite - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Toothpicks have been my pick this week, especially one that I’m looking at right now. I acquired it on Tuesday, just after lunch and it struck me how special it was immediately upon opening. The wood was thick, nay stout, but smooth and strong, and reeked of the highest quality, perhaps pine or fern or even birch. One end was tapered in the ordinary fashion of pointed with a hint of a flat top and hook for combined drilling and yanking and clasping chards of manducated tuna. The other end, and here’s where the beauty lies, was flattened, splayed, yet most craft-fully intact, like that of a spatula or blunted gum friendly spear. It was and is the G5 of toothpicks; available from Tam Tre Tiet Trung Sterilized Bamboo Tooth-Picks – bugger, the type of wood was in the name!

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

This is another plane:

Correct; this is not a plane

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Have you had yours today?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com and Prices and dates 2009
Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; is busy ushering guest speakers around for the Saigon saints AFL Grand Final

*Trigger: on the hoof

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Adam and Valerie

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…A notable…/…The Lone Ranger’s …/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

Here’s a question for you: Anyone selling a rowing machine!

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…are hitting the high notes …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available from the Blue Gecko & Phatty’s

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

I’ll need a T-shirt

This bit is the rugby bit:

(See categories for The New Rugby extra Bit)

Published 24.9.09

The proof’s in the Beef Wellington

If, as in Hamilton the other week, the Boks put the boot in to rattle up some early scores, then this week the Blacks put the proverbial beef in at Wellington to oust the Wallabies by similar degree at 33-6.

The Blacks beef being the commitment, muscle and ‘how’s your father’ at the breakdowns. Wellington being the place, not the actual boot nor some bloke from way back when where Stephen Fry played him on the telly and said Ne’arghhhhhh! A lot.

The All Blacks from there on in took Australia to the cleaners with Tony Woodcock cementing his world’s mantle as best prop and the Blacks pack proving that ball retention and stealing at the breakdowns is paramount. The loose back three were outstanding and left an Aussie counterpart trio looking tired.

Every part of the Blacks game had a purpose, which could be argued was the case against the Boks, but there they were outplayed – it’s as simple as that. Here, Australia were outplayed and as much as it was an excellent kick from Muilaina for an even better take and score by Cory Jane, it was as much an indifferent defence from O’Connor who just looked out of place – he was simply out-played.

Through a couple of kicks the Blacks came out at the break 16-6 up with McCaw continuing to lead the way in obligations. Luckily, he had the whole team on his side too and one stand out was Toeava’s contribution, even with being binned for high tackle that was peneable (made up word) but not walk-able, was everywhere.

There’s hardly any point mentioning the Wallaby’s because there was no point to their play, that’s not to say this side won’t produce some consistency in the future but on Saturday their only claim to fame was some ghost tackles and how easy they made it look to be beaten at the breakdowns. The only realisation that The Git was on the paddock was when Nonu busted through him and four others to score the All Blacks’ second try.

The Blacks’ third try came as bit of a flatterer with phase ball being strung out to I should Coko on the wing, but as Deans said, that was the thing that riled him the most; “We rolled over and that’s what disappointed me.”

As for Eyebrows living another day – perhaps. If so, he’s got a few people to thank; “The work at the tackle area by the forwards in general, but particularly the lose forwards was exceptional.” He said.

Plenty of garlic with my Beef Wellington please!

Guinness Premiership

Bath got their season back on track with a win at Sale 25-12, thanks to a couple of tries by Aussie ‘A’ player Matt Carraro and one from big fella Banahan. / Gloucester surprised us again by losing to Northampton this week 27-14 – once more Shane Gerraghty ran the show again at fly. / Saracens ground out a slow win over Quins 22-9 and Jim Staples didn’t play but Ugo Monye did and he stepped into the fullback’s boots. / Leicester beat Newcastle 15-6 in a messy game where Jeremy Staunton kicked all the points, again. / Wasps claimed top spot by beating Worcester 23-3 in a stodgy game with Dominic Wauldock proving a mighty presence. / And Leeds were humiliated by L. Irish 7-56 where Adam Thomstone got a hat-trick – that’s an All Black without the e, err and p instead of a t!

The Top14

A good defence with three good tries was Stade Francais’ road back to their best with a win over Bourgoin 20-6. / Clermont managed six tries over Albi to finish 40-8. / A 65^th minute drop goal from Vincent Current settled Brive’s and Biarritz’ argument at 12-15. / Castres squeezed past Racing Metro 92 9-6 in the pouring rain. / Perpignan relied on good pack work to rid Montauban 28-9. / Sgt. Wilko kicked three of each in front of 60,000 at the Velodrome to help Toulon shine over Toulouse 18-13. / And Bayonne beat Montpellier 26-3

Magners League

Cardiff went down to Connaught in a huge turn up for the books. John Muldoon replied to a Ben Blair opener, with Fion Carr finishing it for the Irish – Jim Staples did not play. / Welsh misery continued with Ospreys going down to Leinster 11-18 thanks to five Sexton penalties. The Dragons clawed one back for the Taffs beating in form Glasgow 30-19 and snuck the bonus try. / Edinburgh were down 10-0 at one point to Ulster then came back 18-16 the victors with tries from Stephen Ferris and Clinton Schifcofske. / Munster nipped the Scarlets with a 22-20 last minute try by Hurley.

Some shorts:

To be honest there’s not much going on this week apart from a few injuries that are not worth talking about…but while I’m here; Riki Flutey’s out of the Autumn Tests with a shoulder injury, which Rob Andrew blames the French for keep on playing him. And why not, see it was worth it if just to have a dig at the French.

Armitage is also out of the November Tests, Borthwick thought he might be, but isn’t! And Scott Waldrom’s picked up a bad knee playing for Auckland in the ANZ Cup and may miss the All Blacks’ end of year tour. I’ve got a bit of a cold but otherwise everything is alright.

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: have some fun and try to name the actor!!! - This particular team will be finished… fool promises! – Only two to get.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. ? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1. ?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it – ha, ha…nurse… - have received two props recently in Ray Winston and Bob Hoskins, but what were the films?

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Yes it does!...

“In comes Virat Kohli with half a lob-on and bowls a full toss, but my goodness, the batsman’s missed it and so has Dhoni’s, as he reclines behind the stumps…spent’

But first…

England flirted with providence in their 7 ODI series with Australia as The Punts gripped proceedings with two fantastic run outs in successive overs courtesy of Prior and de Bop.

The crowd booed England during most of this series and nearly fell about laughing at England’s sudden ineptitude to run between the wood. Levi sympathised; “I can understand their feelings.” He said. But did that change things? Argh, who knows, they’re a fickle crowd those Roman Britons; ‘Welease Wavi…’

Even though half are in attendance just to be on the lash, they are none-the-less fiercely loyal to cricket itself, as befit their appreciation of Tim Paine’s ton in the sixth game, if not more truthfully relieved by Swanny’s 5-28 at Chester-le-Street to save a record spanning 38 years and 16 seven series ODI’s in the seventh.

Confused? Good. Suffice to say Levi probably did ‘smoke ‘em’ if he had ‘em – still confused? Ok, he said this, “It was a bit of a relief to win but I’m not jumping for joy. We still lost the series 6-1.” – There you are, as clear as mud.

But now we’re all wrapped in the mini world cup happening in South Africa where The Lanks and ‘stanis have dawdled off to winning starts, SuperSport2 have stopped broadcasting outside the Sub-Sharaha unless you’ve got a W4, USt…blah, blah bollocks decoder, and Indian bosses have told their team that pulling one off the wrist would be their best chance of winning.

So until we get to the nitty-gritty of finals business, let’s take a closer look at a chapter in a four page document on winning by Indian boss Gary Kirsten, headlined; Does Sex Increase Performance? – A whole chapter?

That’s it for this week

Other sports:

Andy ‘the jaw’ Irvine has further prized off the lid of Nelson Piquet Jr’s crash secrets, which led to Briatore and Symonds decision to walk instead of spend what would have been considerably more than McLaren’s donation of 100m for borrowing a few of Ferrari’s papers. Andy said of his own time in the cockpit, “Nothing was beyond the realms of decency and that is what F1 always is. It is not a pure sport.” – Just look at Burt Reynolds, Dukes of Hazzard, Dick Dastardly, Terry Thomas!

Mayweather Jnr wasn’t best pleased the way Shane Mosely grabbed the mic after his victory over Marquez last week and began to egg him on to fight, but instead will probably opt for the Pac-man, who is nowadays king of the ring, he said, “pound for pound is just opinionated. I can’t rate myself, I always want to get better, that’s all I can say.” – Something’s changed here, hasn’t it? Is this the same man that built his career promoting himself as the best pound for pound boxer in the world…anyway!

Brit David Haye is to fight Nikolay ‘Wolkwagon head’ Valuez in November for the WBA and at 11inches shorter and 100lb lighter decreed that he (Valuev) “is the ugliest thing I have ever seen.”. Valuev, who’s pretty quick for a big man replied, “He thinks too much.”

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

If you were to smuggle something what would it be, a cask of Brandy off a rocky shore, a mind of illicit ideas to tamper with a banana fuelled manifesto or 70 live animals in a suitcase? That’s what some fella, unnamed, on a flight from Thailand to Jo’burg did, exactly that, that’s exactly what he did. He had snakes, scorpions, frogs, spiders and a turtle all in Tupperware boxes. Enforcement Officer, named, Loures Badenhart said in a mechanically chuckling cant, “Smugglers think they can mess with us, but this is a silly idea.” – He then proceeded to shove the livestock up the smugglers arse to fetch the dog that swallowed the cat that ate the mouse…

All destined to end here

British man boob ops are on the up. There’s been a 44% rise in the ‘moob’ op and by golly, it’s the 5^th most popular choice for going under the knife these days. It only costs two grand too! The top four are: nose-job, eyelift (hey where you going with that), ear correction (ha, that’s not an ear, brings out a wanton soup dumpling) and liposuction…to make mobs! – see last week’s edition.

It’ll be this next

By a lake in Cerro Azul in Panama and unidentified creature around 5ft tall came scrambling out of a cave chasing four kids in their mid teens. The kids scared out of their wits turned and pelted the ‘Gollum’ type thing with stones until they killed it. Their parents went back the next day to verify their ‘crazy’ story and took pics, and I kid you not it was ‘Gollum’, or perhaps Homer Simpson with a paler, more translucent white complexion. Either way its dead now, so we won’t see nor hear from him/it again – phew!

Be prepared

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! “The fact that I was laying down on stage means at least I showed up.” – Clapton commenting on a gig he managed during his ’influenced’ years where one of the rare live performances he did give was spent mostly on his back.

Cynthia Hoover 52 fell down a 350ft hill, big hill, a Rocky Mountain type hill and broke 11 ribs, her back and punctured a lung. She survived by drinking rain water stored in her hair before crawling to a disused mine where a bunch of tourists were – see, fool told you a beard was good for us! – see radio show, the one with Olda, I think

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

Andy Ward has just become the first person to kite surf the English Channel from the Channel Islands to Poole, Dorset. It took just under six hours to fly/surf the 70 miles and he said afterwards, “It was exhilarating out there, a real adrenalin rush. I’m so pleased, just chuffed to bits.” – I am for you too mate, but here’s a tip – Calais or Bologne to Dover or Folkstone – 22 miles…tops!

The Channel; keeping people like him out

Sweden’s women troops are up in arms as their army issue bras keep unfastening and catch fire too easily. A spokesman from the Swedish Conscript Council said, “Our opinion is the Swedish Armed Forces should have ordered good, flame-proof underwear.” – tell us what you think on the hot Swedish chicks dilemma.

Still in Sweden, and brassy robbers stole a helicopter, set up fake booby traps and laid spiked mats then landed the chopper on the roof of cash depot in Stockholm and had it all away. A police spokesman said, “We are dealing with a highly intelligent, highly ruthless team of robbers.” - Would have been a buzz. See above for clues who did it.

You think the Swedes have got problems!

Ok, lastly, pants are being made for the lefties. And we’re talking pants here, not boxers, not strides, not round the houses but good old fashioned mans pants, the type that have vented their opening slit on the right hand side for 75 years. Well, no more. As from now and from Debenhams they’re available on the left. A pant seller spokesman said, “Our new pants means that for the very first time, all left handed men can finally go to the loo as quickly and efficiently as their right handed colleagues.” – Which could make all the difference in catching that vital goal at The Saigon Saints AFL Grand Final bash on Saturday at the Sheraton!