18th - 24th November 2011 volume 459
November, 23rd 2011 19:32 PM

“Tried to hide

Break on through to the other side”

(Doors)


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

  

That Was the Week… What a Week! - Saturday’s 1p.m. 92.75fm and around the globe on www.radioindochine.com

Also podcasted later on fool’s very own radio: http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 24.11.11                                           

For elements of the tactical supply wing; Royal Air Force – tally ho

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

Stink bomb!

A US pilot caused a terror alert after locking himself in a toilet on a New York bound flight from North Carolina.

 

The captain managed to get word to a traveller and gave him the password to enter the cockpit to inform the co-pilot. On hearing the ‘thick foreign accent’ the co-pilot refused entry and contacted control at La Guardia Airport who instructed fighter planes to stand by.

 

Fifteen minutes later after aborting landing and circulating several times the pilot eventually freed himself; ‘The captain, myself, went back to the lavatory and the door latch broke and I had to fight my way out with my body to get the door open. There is no issue, no threat.’ – He told flight control

 

FBI and Port Authority Police met the plane as it landed and administered oxygen to the flailing pilot after he complained someone had left a floater.


 

 

The Missing Odessa Files

Darth Vader has claimed a free land plot to park his space ship in the picturesque region on the coast of the Black Sea.

 

Ukrainian legislation offers the right for every citizen to 1000 square metres of free land, but there have been public concerns over corruption where it is thought a group of people are getting the more desired offers around the idyllic area in Odessa.

 

Dressed in full garb, complete with a voice-distorting device, Darth said, ‘I am Darth Vader, the right hand of Emperor Palpatine… knowing that my (local legislature) deputies and the mayor have switched to the dark side… I have come for a plot of land… for my space cruiser.’

 

The government offices accepted his application once he showed his passport and removed his helmet.

 

‘The application has been registered and will be considered’ a spokeswoman said, ‘We are not on the dark-side; we are light-side people.’… as she led him to the glare of the sun through window on the 8th floor and dutifully gave him an almighty shove, yelling above his frantic breathing; ‘where’s your space cruiser now?’


 

 

Putting your best foot forward

A court in Switzerland has upheld a fine against a nude hiker in the Swiss Alps.

 

The 100 Swiss Franc fine remains approved after a man boldly strutted past a popular picnic area and Christian rehabilitation centre for drug addicts wearing nothing but a sturdy pair of hiking boots and a smile in the eastern canton of Appenzill Aussorrhoden.

 

‘The fundamental right to personal freedom is only marginally, if at all, infringed upon by a ban on hiking naked in a public area.’ said a court’s spokesman.

 

Nude hiking is popular in the area but not illegal. However, it is the right of each canton to apply their own indecency laws.

 

I phoned up the Aussorrhoden Ramblers Club to make further enquiries but they just went on and on.


 

 (sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Perched on the parapet of morality, swaying wildly with the equilibrium of public’s opinion towards decency is like shackling yourself to the principles of herding cats, in that it’s the infinite search for free will that winds round our senses of what is correct or not, in our blessed instillation of democracy – blame the Greeks they started it – democracy and todgers out! Confused? Good. The freedom of nakedness was afforded to Michael Hutchinson’s highway to the other side this week when he slipped off this mortal coil wearing nothing but a belt and a legacy to all suicide blondes to ‘not try this at home’, which of course David Carradine didn’t read, as he strutted off to the great Judgment Day in the sky, donned in the same fashion, nevertheless, he was wrapped in a curtain cord and the added actor’s artistic touch of an apple in his mouth or so was the rumour fool and Digger made up a couple of years ago. Queen lay naked and far from home, hoping someone would save them, but Freddie was far from indecent, well, according to his popularised image as the eccentric theatrical funster that is, even though his behind-the-scenes orgies of immorally induced capers were flung widespread through the dark ethical minds of rock stars and celebs that saw fair game to as much filth their Lugar could buy, therefore rummaging thick with enough indecent peculiarities that would have made Nero blush, and so it was with this yardstick of immeasurable tolerance that Chick Churchill and I discussed over a Knicker-bocke-glory down at Juice in Saigon where we reminisced over the love-hippie-naked culture of the heaving ‘60’s where running amok without any clothes on, lured not a promiscuous lust for exchanging bodily fluids but more the return to nature, the rebirth of love, the Garden of Eden, the return of the spirit, the coming home, and it was there, in mid order of eggs in a clay pot, that he turned to me and said in all his buff and glory at the counter, ‘that’s why fool, you play I’m Going Home, as my Get It Off Your Chest Request, cos brother, that tune will take you to where ever you wanna go,;… ‘that’ll be 80,000vnd please love’, and in the blink of an angels wing he slipped the waitress some skin, as I tucked into probably the best eggs in a clay pot I ever tasted. Ten Years After, this is for you…

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website and radio!)

 

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘That’s the first time I’ve heard The Laughing Policeman since Uncle Mac’s Saturday morning Children’s Favourites circa 1966.’ Uncle Mac

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…


www.highstylecondominium.com

 

fool’s gold; now available on his radio show - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php and 92.75fm - www.radioindochine.com

 

Animal news


 

*Woodley, a two year-old German Koolie was seen driving a mobile home down the street in Darwin this week. Mr McCormack 62 says the pooch sits next to him whenever he’s driving and in the driver’s seat when he’s not and he knows the handbrake is on the dashboard. ‘He was copying me, he’s tried it on before.’ said Mr McCormack who popped into the shops; ‘I came out and saw the bus going down the road. I couldn’t believe it.’ Bystander Phil Newton jumped in and pulled on the handbrake. ‘This is weird, even for the Northern Territory.’ He said - But not so weird for drunk driver Kevin Daly from Suffolk County US who whilst drunk rammed into a police car at 1.45a.m.  wearing a t-shirt that read, ‘I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings’.

 

*A rare electric blue coloured lobster caught off the east coast of Scotland has gone on display at London’s Aquarium, because it’s electric blue. It doesn’t do tricks, dance sing or read your palm, it’s electric blue, not a dark blue like its American cousin, the homarus Americus, no this fella is a sparkly electric blue.

 

*But if its fish you want try Marks and Spencers new metallic shoulder bag which apparently smells of fish, as reported by many unsatisfied customers who wrote back to complain. No matter how many airings of perfume they spray on it they can’t seem to disguise a potent fishy aroma.

 

*To find out more of fool’s animal news, catch his radio show this Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm (Phuket) and around the world on www.radioindochine.com – podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk (http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php)

 

Number crunching


 

*Men take longer than women to get ready – 81 minutes a day compared to 75, apparently, according to Travelodge. That’s 23 minutes in the shower opposed to women’s 22, 18 v 14minutes shaving, even though women have more bits, 10 against 9 for cleansing, toning, moisturising… what? And 13 versus 10 for choosing clothes. Shit, shave shower in 10 minutes in my day and that’s 9 of those in the ‘office’.

 

*Gemma Howarth’s hands are insured for £5m – she’s a hand model you know; meanwhile granny Doris Birch 73 from Herne Bay in Kent UK can’t keep a pair of ghostly hands off her, which she confesses is beginning to give her the ‘jitters’. Every time she goes to bed, ‘It’s like an octopus’, she says, ‘four months ago I was lying in bed when I felt this creepy pair of hands.’ She kicks out at it, sleeps with no duvet and has changed the mattress, but to no avail. She told the vicar and he said it was a lost soul.

 

*Perhaps Gemma (odd name for a 73 year-old) needs a bit of Amma or Mata Amritandamayi who’s on a 10-city European hugging tour. She’s already hugged around 30million people and reckons she’ll do 10,000 in 3 days. She’ll give you a squeeze then go ‘ba ba ba’ in your ear and apparently it’s just like being hugged by your mum. At the end of it you also get an apple and a sweet.

 

*Kura Nitya weeps stones - The seven year old sheds about 12-25 a day. Her Granddaddy Gopel Reddy said, ‘Initially we thought it was some divine power and prayed to God for this phenomenon to stop.’ – The only phenomenon here was me spelling that right first time!

 

*England is the most congested country in the western world with 401 people per square km. In the whole world it stands at no. 6 with only Bangladesh, Taiwan, South Korea, Lebanon and Rwanda topping it.

 

 -Which is no doubt why Charlie Humphrey 20 managed to squeeze in a spot of road rage whilst driving his pregnant wife, who happened to be in labour, to the hospital. Someone beeped someone else who clipped their wing, but mild mannered Charlie thought it was at him so pulled over and whacked the poor fella a couple of times – argh bless him, he’s only got 51 previous offences.

 

More numbers to crunch, cheese to discuss and fool’s gold, tales from the dark side and lots, lots more on; fool’s radio show – That Was the Week… What a Week - Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm in Phuket and worldwide on www.radioindochine.com - Saturday’s 1p.m. straight after Big Dan’s Sports Centre show. (Podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php) – download it as an MP3 and climb up on the roof to get away from it all.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf


 

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