Productions presents

The Scene: Its 1879. The British Army's 24^th Eyes Ears and Nose regiment are holed up in a hospital outpost at Rourke's Drift in Natal, South Africa. 4000 Zulu's have them, 111 men, pinned down in their burning stronghold. Private fool and Private Jones 67243 are having a smoke break during a peaceful spell of the battles hell - They sit, leaning against an inner wall made of melees-bags in the inner perimeter enclosing the latrines. Private fool has an assegai (Short thrusting Zulu spear) harpooned through his neck.

Private Jones 67243: They'll not get away with it fool, you hear me laddie

Private fool: It's ok Taffy. Don't worry about me; I'll be as right as rain.

Private Jones 67243: Aye, but even so it's not right it isn't, it's not fair, that you, you with such a melodic tenor voice too, no its not right I tell you fool, its not right. They'll not get away with it, hark my words.

Private fool: Argh, that's alright Taffy. (He pauses to reminisce - he's obviously dying) Do you remember the good olde days back then, that is was, when it were. When we once sung for Her Majesty down at our local, the Dog and Duck. What was it again, oh yeah, she popped in for half a stout dressed as, oh, who was it now...any way we gave her a good knees up that night eh!

(Private Jones 67243 sees fool is drifting in and out of consciousness)

Private Jones 67243: Hey, come on now fool laddie, you remember boyo; she was dressed as Father Christmas. You remember it all now. Tell me again why don't you.

(fool smiles, nods appreciatively to his pal and says...)

Private fool: Argh that was it yeah - Oh what a night, late December back in ‘63', what a very special time for me, what a lady, what a night. You know I never even knew her name but I was never gonna be the same, what a lady, what a night...

(Four Zulu's appear on top of the grain bag wall and sing Oh what a night! doo dit doo dit dit doo dit doo dit dit, Oh what a night doo dit doo dit dit doo dit doo dit dit...)

Narrator: Just how in the blazers does he get away with it? That's it; I can't work like this anymore. It's a complete farce. I'm off.

Global warming getting away with it

That's just nuts and I want nothing to do with it - how does he get away with it?

Let's move on and into Quiz Street:

1. When can a man get away with wearing a ‘kind of dress' when dining with the Queen?

2. Who wears a chasuble?

3. Where is the auditory canal?

4. How long must a person have had to be dead to qualify for a blue plaque?

5. What colour are telephone boxes in France?

6. Which former F1 Champion has played golf in the Australian Open?

7. Who did Pat Cash beat in the final when he won Wimbledon?

8. What are mottos of the following organisations? A.SAS B.Boy Scouts C.Salvation Army

Under *Comps & results you'll find all the answers you need, except if no-one sends them in and I can't remember them! Plus; more, more, more I tell you.

At last, someone got a WHO AM I? Folk actually complained this week because it has been too easy. Well my fickle-fangled friends I ask you; who did last week's answer  kill...and prove it!

But this week's WHO AM I? Is, ‘I've been in ‘office' since ‘53'.

Is it me?

But enough of that, let's hear it from this week's banner wavers;

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega; this place really does go to the true source to keep you entertained.

GTM: don't ask me, give it a yell - it really is probably the best garden & leisure furniture you can get - gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn

Bootlace: walking holidays in the Sierra Nevada Spain. They're a step to tranquillity. Click the link for more details.

Kim Hai Trading Co,.Ltd: You want meat mate? This is the place for meat. Check the classifieds for more details.

But now folks what's on in cfn this week: *Digger's got the AFL run down...to a pat. It IS the only column for all your AFL news. And *Trigger's hoping lady luck will shine on you once again.

On the; what's new front; there's a few more tunes in *cf's Top 100 to get sentimental...mental about. *Titillating tit-bits is always there, always there, *Titillating tit-bits is always there. Then there's heaps of other stuff to keep you going - And recently there's been quite a few enquiries about dem dere *Bongo Massif Bro's - yeah, I agree - pull your finger out Bongo's.

And now this

But now it's bloke down the pub's favourite part of the show; ruggleduggery time:

Well, we've had a couple of finals, some build ups to some forthcoming home soil international slaughters and what's this?  I'm still crook, and am actually hallucinating as we speak - darn penguins. Keep out of my drawers will you now. Sweeeeets!

London Wasps beat Leicester Tigers 25-9 to take the Heineken Cup for the second time in four years. They easily out gunned the Tigers in both the brain and brawn department, with tackles to wrinkle your walnuts, breakdown speed to match a King Emperors shoe shine shuffle on ice and two cheeky tries straight from the top draw of comedy rugby - close quarter cheeky 5metre snap tries from lineouts.

King dally!

The 81,076 crowd didn't see a flowing, glowing, long as I can grow it spectacle but did see Wasps get their man, get up and get him again on the way to getting another. Hit after hit was the order of the day and as someone wrote this week, can't remember who, sorry, but they said, "Dallaglio strutted around all day like a monarch with the other 29 players on the pitch merely subjects of the realm.' And, "Leicester were just the labouring serfs." - But it was Wasps Joe Worsley got man of the match!

Joe

In the European Challenge Cup (2^nd tier of H.C.) - Clermont Auvergne bt Bath 22-16 in a corker of a game, which went all the way to the wire where Bath were only denied a late try by a miss catch from burley lock Danny Grewcock, who also, and shock horror, has been cited for a tidy rabbit punch on opposition lock Thibault Private.

Bath

In the S14's hoedown The Bulls bt The Sharks 20-19 in what was a grow your hair scintillator of a spectacle. It has been billed...ahem by the Bok folk, as the best final ever. And maybe they were right. Two tries a piece, 5 drop goal attempts and whilst The Sharks led for 82 minutes then panicked a clearance kick the Bulls scooped it up and completed 21 passes before Bryan ‘Coco' Habana found the hole to score in the 83^rd minute of play. - Some other geezer in a blue shirt kicked the conversion to wrap it up. - But it was all jolly good.

sent in by manic shark

Ok, there's some Internationals happening this weekend and Stirling Mortlock and Phil Waugh (has he really got Abbo in him?) are to be co-captains for the Wallaby's 7 Tests leading into the World Cup - The first of those being against Wales on Saturday.

He's (Stirling) a lucky lad really because last year when he was captain he was pissed all the time, especially after the Italian game in Rome. As he said, "There might have been a chance I didn't get selected (as captain) again, so I'm thankful I've been given this opportunity again." - Hide the Bundi.

The Welsh on the other hand have Michael Owen back in as No.8 and he's rubbishing the idea of an Aussie romp, he said, "We will be going flat out as we all want to prove we deserve a place in the World Cup." - Hooker Matthew Rees on the other hand will leave straight after the game in Sydney to be by his wife's side who is expecting their first born. - It would be a pisser if you won, the bairn was born mid flight, you'd already missed it and all you wanted was for the plane to do a U-ey so you could get back on the piss with your mates - be back Tuesday love!

Meanwhile Gareth Thomas will become the most capped Taffy on Saturday, winning his 93^rd. But as he sys, "I don't care about records. It something that matters to other people more than me." - Oh come-on, he must like one of Tom Jones' records.

He's also captain, whilst Stephen Jones has a rest, but said, "I don't want to captain the side at the World Cup and won't stab my mate Stephen in the back." - Well if someone does they'll be looking for you - should be far easier than finding who killed Bob.

Wallaby prop Matt Dunning is back from injury, he's fit and he's fat. He say's a bit of bulk is what's needed to sort the troubled Aussie scrum of late, and besides he was getting frustrated being skinny, he said, "Maybe keeping my weight down and not eating was making me irritable." - It would mate. Lard is good.

Sean Fitzpatrick disagrees as he says the English are a bunch of fatties. The 92 cap A.B. hero says' he likes England; he likes Brian Ashton, but also said, "It's great playing an expansive game but you can't afford to have any fatties there.' "Look at the All Blacks, they actually look like athletes." - Tart!

English fatty

The ‘athletes' are also looking at other teams, as Graham ‘eyebrows' Henry said of South Africa's rise, which he puts mostly down to the speed at which they play the game now and how their defence has improved. "I have thought all along that S.A. might be our biggest challenge. That is not to say it lessons the potency of France or Ireland but the South Africans may prove to be a helluva side." - Everyone will, believe the fool.

England take on S.A. in Bloemfontein on Saturday with a squad that has been labelled as, ‘part-timers, plumbers and decorators.' But recalled 35 year-old hooker Mark Reagan disagrees, as he said, "I resent us being described as part-timers, plumbers and decorators. I'll have ‘em know I was a fork-lift driver."

Brian Ashton says, "We have 11 players in the World Cup squad nailed down." - That's gotta hurt - and on the boys out there in Bokkie-land, he said, "We have some very interesting characters out here, guys who can get under your skin and get objectionable in the right way. I'm enjoying working with them." - Well that's lovely Brian, we're all happy for you.

Meanwhile in the England camp Sgt. Wilko, Sanderson, Strettle and Simpson-Daniel have all gone to stomach bugs - what do you think?

Meanwhile Ireland play Argentina and they too have an under strength side, but so do the Pumas to a degree who nearly all play in Europe. Anyway; Ireland - win. Australia - win. And South Africa - win.

Some other results;

Specific Nations Cup: Sam&Ooah 8 Fiji 3

Asia Cup: Chinese Taipai 22 Thailand 3

Churchill Cup: England Saxons 51 The Good Old US of A 3. Ireland Tirty9 Canada 20.

Spain's Division de Honor A: Atletico Bera Bera - oh baby when you dance like that 41 CIC Rugby Valladolid 5

Italy's S10 final: Benetton Trevisio 28 Arix ‘Armani' Viadana 24

Aus, NSW: Randwick (Trading Places!) 36 ‘Good old' Gordon 24

Let's see what's going on in the wicket:

And it's a bit of a sparse one this week, but hey-ho here we go:

England and the Windies ended in a disappointing draw at Lords but not for the lack of some good return batting from the islanders. On a flat pitch it was hard to do anything with the ball, although The Pan did give us 6 gay jigs for 129!

Flat wicket

Harmy proved himself to be out of sorts once again, and coach Peter Moores is keen to not to over coach the lanky streak of piss, but said, "Steve puts himself under a lot of pressure because he wants to do well for England." - He needs to hang out with Beefy and Viv a bit, they'll calm him down.

Allan Donald is coming to the rescue but not until the 3^rd or 4^th Tests, where he'll be in as a temporary consultant, with views of taking a full time swing at it. - Trivia: Hoggard played with Donald in the Free State.

But there were good things in that Test; a fair few got their centuries. Pieterson snapped 109 off 138 after a slow start and also had a bust up with pal Chris ‘Gloria Gaynor' Gayle. It would have all gone off if Gayle hadn't have taken a ball in the nether regions off Harmison - that calmed things down, as KP said, "It was just friendly banter between me and Chris, but it was particularly pleasing to see him get one where it hurts." - Guess who got KP out...err, it wasn't Harmison!

Pieterson then reflected on Harmy's woe, and said, "We know Steve is going to click. He has bowled so well for Durham, I don't know why it hasn't really happened yet." And of Monty, well, "Monty just comes in, does the job and certainly gets everyone going. He could be the key." - Gets everyone going - the man's pure entertainment on all fronts.

Well, with Hoggy out, Broad injured, Jones not ready yet, Anderson and Sajid, just not quite good enough and Freddie just been ruled out today with his bad ankle, the pace bowlers are somewhat lacking. But hold the front page...hang on a minute, what's this, apparently with Freddie being out, it has made selection easier to make way for Vaughan coming back in, i.e. either one of Strauss or in form Bell or Colly won't have to be axed - surely you wouldn't exe any of them - perhaps Levi???

Anyway, hold the front page, because it looks like we have a new swinger coming in for the Hogg - 29 year-old Ryan Sidebottom (serious). His dad was a one-Test wonder in ‘85' against the Aussies, and Ryan said, "My mum is trying to get dad to come but I'm not sure he will. He's a nervous wreck watching me. I think he would rather go down the bookies and lose his money on the horses." - Like that bloke already. Wonder if he can bowl?

Right, enough of that, let's have some other sports:

The F1 boys are having a jolly up in Monaco this week, and Lewis, who has only raced there in his F3 & GP2 motors can't wait. His boss says he's not the favourite, but he, "Is a street racer. He likes those types of tracks." The man himself even said, "For me it is the best circuit of the year, there is nowhere like it for getting the adrenaline going." - Try putting a ferret down your trousers laddie!

Looking smooth

Lewis will be wearing £20,000 worth of diamonds in his helmet, to be auctioned after the race for charity. He's also been given a £5k ring in the shape of a tyre and has earrings on order. McLarens sponsor, diamond firm Steinmetz are also giving a diamond bracelet to his girlfriend Jodia. Lewis said, "I'm blinged up. I've bling on my helmet, so how cool is that. The ring even spins!" - You listening to this Kim Hai - I want a lamb chop on the end of my pencil!

But now we've just got time for some news from around the world:

Genghis Khan, it is said, has some 16m Asian descendants from China to Russia. Russian and Polish boffs have calculated the Y - Chromosomes from father to son. What a randy bugger. Ride and pillage all day then ride and pillage all night.

genghis asleep

18 year-old Samantha Larson comes from California, USA and has just become the youngest person to climb the highest peak on every continent. Bloody rich parents is all I can say.

Another 18 year-old, Shaun Thompson from Britain has just finished his 9months in the nick for handling stolen goods, but is allowed back to finish his course on becoming an NVQ Fitness Instructor at the reading Young Offenders Institute. The judge said, "You are using your time profitably." - Yeah at the tax payers expense - why not send him on a yacht to finish it, I mean it was only a couple of hundred years ago we sent them off to a paradise island for some R&R - I don't know the world's gone soft, when I were....

Fitness instructor

In New Zealand John Cleese has got on the nose, up the goat and around the ear of residents at smallsville town Palmerston North. Folk have even put up a notice at the local rubbish tip saying, ‘Mt. Cleese' where local satirist said ‘all manner of crap happily recycled.' John visited there last year and said he hated it, and that it was, ‘the suicide capital of N.Z.' - The fool and family went there last Feb, but it wasn't open!

Keef who plays Jack Sparrow's dad fell asleep during Pirates of the Caribbean's Dead Man's Chest, because he said, "I'd been up for three days." - Rock n roll man.

Brit climber Rod Baber made a phone call on top of Mt Everest this week. He is the first to do so due to a new antenna in China 12 miles away.  He called his missus from 29,000ft, in Cirencester, Glouc and said, "It's amazing. I can't feel my toes.' - He went all that way to tell her that!

Brits are the 5^th worst tourists according to 15,000 hoteliers - that's rubbish; last year they were No.1. Gongs went for behaviour, politeness, tidiness, noise, trying to use the lingo, spending and fashion sense. Brits came 2^nd in the worst dressed. The Yanks were the most generous and the Germans the least. The French were the first overall worst, mostly for being rude and not attempting the lingo - surely that had to go to the Brits! Next came India, China, Russia and the U.K. The best were the Japs, who were polite, tidy and tip well. Then the Yanks and the Swiss, who are no doubt still spending all that Nazi gold.

French

Pam And spoke about her part in Borat, which she did for free, and that she wasn't offended by Sacha and said, "You can't threaten me with a good time. I'm there." She also commentated on her boobs on T.V. which apparently always look bigger, she said, "They just go wooo...They expand. It's all lighting. It's all lighting." - Which has nothing to do with anything except the excuse to show a bubbly picture of Pam And.

Super model Heidi Klum on the other hand calls her puppies Hans and Franz and said, "When I began modelling I used to say, ‘These are German breasts - one is called Hans and the other is called Franz." - See, told you. She's also married to Seal, which also has nothing to do with anything except to show you a silly picture of a seal.

Hans and Franz

Let's get to something more serious; Monty Python legend Eric Idle stormed out of Shrek The Third, because without him knowing they stole his joke from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where the camera pans to a bloke banging two coconut halves together as the hero rides off into the distance on a hobby horse. He told Canada's Mad Dog & Billie radio...what? He told them, "I was shocked. It's been stolen patently by Shrek I'm happy to say. So I will be able to sue their arses off. If you steal people's jokes, I don't think that's homage, I think its theft." - I agree Eric, it's not funny, its not funny at all!

Not funny

Ok lastly, Chinese Gran Jin Guanyuig 77 has just found out why she had been getting terrible headaches lately - she has a 64 year-old bullet in her brain! The invading Japs shot at the then 13 year-old whilst she was out gathering food for her guerrilla dad - her dad was a gorilla! It passed through someone's arm then entered below her right ear, where she said, "I hit the ground and lost consciousness." - Load up, load up, load up your rubber bullets.

getting away with it

Don't let ‘em get away with it!

Just cf it

cf