Crazy Fool's Newsround - 18th - 24th June 2010 volume 385

18th - 24th June 2010 volume 385
June, 23rd 2010 13:46 PM

“Black night, it’s not right,

I don’t feel so bright,

I don’t care, so sit tight

Maybe I’ll find on the way down the line

That I’m free, free to be me

Black night is a long way from home”

(Deep Purple)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 24.6.10

For the 10 The Queen’s Own Gurkha Logistic Regiment

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Sink your teeth into this!

Condoms with teeth are being snapped up by women. Their designer has described them as a modern day chastity belt; but is it a honey trap?

In a part of world where racial harmony co-inhabits with neo-conformist radical thinking, rape prevention tactics in South Africa have grappled with nature and come up with the ‘penis fly trap’.

HIV accounts for 16% of the population and rape is amongst the highest in the world, which is why Dr. Sonnet Ehles is determined to eradicate the situation with her new branded rape-axe women’s condom…with teeth.

Tiny hooks lock onto to the unwanted intruder and cannot be removed, unless by a doctor. Dr Sonnet said, “It hurts, he cannot pee and walk when it’s on. If he tries to remove it, it will clamp even tighter, however, it doesn’t break the skin and there’s no danger of fluid excretion.”

Dr. Sonnet has already given 30,000 out free during the World Cup and will charge $2.00 a pop thereon. When asked if she thought it was medieval, she replied. ‘Yes’.

No balls please

Eunuchs in the Indian army are increasingly being deployed as border guards because they have no lust for sexual distractions.

Minister Tako Dabi from the north eastern state of Arunachard Pradesh (mild, no poppaddum), says, “Eunuchs are healthy, they are strong and they are not always neglecting their duties chasing women.”

These radical neo-conformist measures come in alliance with their counterparts China, who take the opposite opinion and man their lonely border duties, in huts with no electricity or water, with their wives.

Indian eunuchs or hijras are usually left to beg or work in the sex trade, whilst others bless new born babies, weddings and new houses. But now Tako has a broader plan to clean up the streets saying, “We do not want to see them as sex workers or beg in the streets, so it would be much better to deploy them in this kind of work where they would not miss the company of the opposite sex.”

When asked if he thought if this was, perhaps medieval, he replied, ‘Yes’.

Why am I in this picture?

There you are you handsome devil (name the film)

New York’s ‘naked cowboy’ is going head to head with his nemesis ‘naked cowgirl’.

The cowboy, Robert Burck struts the streets around Times Square in just a hat, white briefs and a guitar. Now it seems cowgirl, alias Sandy Kane, and alias 50 year-old-something ex-hooker Sandra Brodski has infiltrated his patch in her red, white and blue stripped bikini, and is stealing his trade.

The ‘naked cowboy’ requires that anyone making money from having their photo taken as the ‘naked cowboy’ needs to sign the ‘Naked Cowboy Franchise Agreement’, including down payments of $5000 per annum or $500 per month.

Naked Cowgirl snarled a clean pair of gnashers and said, ‘I owe him nothing’

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Midnight Cowboy is one of two X-rated films to be nominated for an Oscar…can you name the other?’

Here it is: (only available on website!), no, hang on, first we'll have this...

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: MILLENIUM DOMES – The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually nowt in there worth seeing.

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve, Geezer Butler,

Animal stories

Heiress Gail Posner has left $11 to her pet Chihuahua. The little rat called Conchita also wears a $10,000 diamond studded collar.

Other particulars included a $5.6m seven bedroom sea- front pad in Miami and a $2m trust fund.

Seven servants, such as maids, cooks and body guards share $17.5m, whilst her only son Brett Carr got a mere $675k.

When asked if she thought her, perhaps drugged-up, brainwashed severance pay to her son was a tad medieval, she didn’t reply.

*In one of the biggest storms ever in Hungary, Agnes Tamas 57 she saw her dog’s kennel fly away in the wind. She said, “I couldn’t believe it when it blew in the air, with my dog cowering inside.”

‘Lucky’ was found 20 miles away after an appeal on a local radio station.

*Henryk Kasjubski from Poland is a scrap metal dealer. He found a 1.2m (4ft) python in an old washing machine. He said it had been there for some time. I’m off to make a cup of tea.

Stuff

Six cups of tea a day can reduce heart disease by up to a half – fact. Three or four cups equal a 45% reduction, which doesn’t add up at all.

Dr Yvonne van der Scheouw works in one of the world’s longest titled places at Holland Julius Centre for Health Sciences and Primary Care, University Medical Centre Utrecht, and she tested 37,514 people over 13 years; so she should know.

*June 21^st saw the summer solstice rise over the northern hemisphere (I think you can guess the other bit) and a mere 20,000 crusties, weekend ravers, Klu Klux Klan and Japanese went to see in the sun at Stonehenge at 4.52a.m. There were only 15 arrests, which makes it hardly worth going these days.

*Essex was inhabited at least 600,000 years ago. A prehistoric tool was found under the playground of Westcliff High School for Girls in Westcliff-on-Sea, which is only second to the oldest ‘chiv’ found 100,000 years earlier on the ‘Bosgrove man’s remains at Chichester, West Sussex.

Claire Fox from the Southend Museum said, “I think it challenges people’s perceptions of the area. It puts our timeline back a long way.” – You slaaaag.

*Philip Mackintosh changed his name by deed poll to Bagheera Anthony Dairy Lea Dunkable Mackintosh, because he could. Then when he realised he sounded a twat he changed it back again… Because he could.

It’s not unusual

Peruvian politician Charles Zewallas from the Amazon basin region of Maynas is use to be showered by kisses from women, but recently they have started to throw their knickers at him.

The man from the 1000 Movimiento Intergracion Loretana party hands out free watches, fans and soccer balls to the women and was surprised to be planted on the chops with a couple of pairs of panties.

He said, “It was spontaneous, I didn’t ask for them, but then I saw a pair of yellow ones, and then another woman threw another pair at me.” He squealed with delight as he continued to hand out watches, fans and soccer balls, “I don’t know if this will stop. It’s really crazy here right now. The people love me.”

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

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