Crazy Fool's Newsround - 18th-24th Aug 06 v.200

18th-24th Aug 06 v.200
August, 24th 2006 11:06 AM

"Oh no, not me, I never changed the grade, your face to face with the man who sold the world..." Nope, sorry, don't know that one either." "Ok, here's one, ‘Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, it's been three long years do you still want me?" "Argh, yeah, now, no, see...nope, don't know it" "Ok, ok, this one, peoples favourite, can't fail, ‘Strangers in the night exchanging glances, lovers at first sight" "No, it's no good I confess I have no nostalgia, I'm only two weeks old and I'll be dead in an hour, please mercy, oh sanctuary, sanctuary..."

That was an extract from Bob Rattlesword's ‘The Framing of the Shrew'. Next week we will be looking at The Fall and Rise of Bananas in Pyjama's.

Some days never leave us

Nostalgia, are you equipped with it? Did you get the rendition from the olds of how that music in the T.V. ads was a hit way back in 19 O'Chocolate or were you around when the Fuzzy-wuzzies from the Sudan were acceptable description avec non connotations? To reminisce, lest we forget, is the momentorial grasp of reason, the whole kit and caboodle of why we translate the past and today's follies into tomorrow's plans, the etch-a-sketch of the longed for smooth path, the easy living, the idyllic globalised route to happiness, which bears no reference to personality and it's being - ‘there are those among us who feel that life is but a joke.' I never said that, it was someone else, but who said it before Jimmi?

Which reminds me let's have some more of those 200^th cf edition quiz thingy-majig-type things:

1. Name the month and year of cf's first edition?

2. What kind of athlete performs a flic flac?

3. How many legs does a male insect have?

4. What is mycology?

5. Where was the final of the 1992 cricket World Cup held?

6. What make of motor bike is an Electra Glide?

7. In boxing; what is the lowest weight category?

8. What type of food are these characters fond of? A) Popeye B) Desperate Dan C) The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Answers to quiz no.199 can be found on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ the 200^th edition...edition! And still no 100% correctness, so again Quadrophenia goes back on the shelf. And, sadly Tommy's been MIA the last week or so, and we've missed his bursts of unauthorised thinking and ManteivhsilgnE language, but he promises he'll be back, and harped and tuned and ready for some alphabet abusing, along with lots more - aint that right Tommy.

No-one's won the WHO AM I? So here's clue No. 3: ‘Some of my work is just dripping with success.'

Is it me?

Ok, what else this week; *Digger's dipping into round 21 of the AFL season, and is that right mate, is that Pomme Sheila still on top of the tipping table?

*Trigger's Stable is looking very cosy; if I were you I'd have an inside look, cos that's what you're getting in this season's Aussie Spring Carnival, an inside look. Don't be shy now.

*cf brought a taste of the real stuff in Grub Up last week didn't he? See what's cooking in this week's pot.

*And those Bongo Massif Bro's - hey bro's where art thou?

Enough twaddle let's gob rugby: And 37-24; pays out to the All Blacks, now, were you really surprised. After Rocky Elsom's extremely dodgy looking try was awarded Phil Kearns commented that Australia should definitely be buying lottery tickets that night. Well, their luck did run out or better to say was taken away, and rightfully the Blacks won a hard fought and well contested game, and ultimately the Tri Nations trophy.

But was JC happy, not Jesus but Connors? He said, "We came away incredibly disappointed but with a fair bit of confidence that we're not far away. The All Blacks are better, at the moment but we are hot on their heels." - Given their handbag incident I'm sure one or two does have heels!

On the controversial side Lotte Tiqiri received an 11 week ban from all rugby after his spear tackle on McCaw in the 4^th minute of the 2^nd half. They can be ugly as we know, and even the N.Z. Prime Minister, Helen Clark wasn't happy. She gave her two bob's worth, "One hesitates, as just someone in the stand, to voice an opinion, but certainly I felt someone should've been sent off." She goes on, "I thought it was appalling we witnessed several acts of assault against the All Blacks captain, and it was very, very ugly to see." - Yes, but you kept mighty quiet when your beloved Uma and Meanu tried to kill O'Driscoll didn't you love!

But enough of that. The Kiwi's now travel to Pretoria, to the Loftus Versfeld where they play the Boks on their own turf and their own altitude. Quite rightly Graham Henry has pretty much rested most of his team, leaving in fact only Chris Jack and Rodney So'oialo left in the pack. I must say, I'd liked to have seen Mullet Man Jason Eaten have another bash - jeez that boy's a hill-billy sister-fucking mongrel isn't he?

Other quick news in rugby is that the Aussies will take a 37 man squad to Europe this autumn and finish off with their traditional fixture against the Baa baa's. Now, didn't I read somewhere in regards to the B&I Lions that 37 was far too an excessive amount?

Ok, Rob Andrew has been appointed Director of the Rugby Elite. Jolly good Rob. Princess knobbing Will Carling said of it, "The RFU have a very passionate rugby man. He'll do a great job." - cf met him once you know - very small man, very wee, almost tiny, minute, just a mere blip of a bloke, ‘hello young fella.' cf said, ‘I can kill you with one punch.' He replied. cf left it at that.

Jona played his first game in N.Z. for three years last week when he trotted out for North Harbour in the 52^nd minute. N.H beat Wellington 37-16.

And on rugby's last port of call is Will Greenwood, who retired from Quins last year after he said his body fell apart and is now on Sky T.V. as an analyst, as he explained, "I've had 6 operations, broken bones, a near-death experience, torn ligaments, dislocated shoulders and my hamstrings are tighter than guitar strings. I have slowed down. My brain can still see the options; I just can't seem to put them into action. Rugby remains part of my DNA but it is time to move onto to a new department." - Eh funny guy eh!

Moving on, and cricket: And what a treat-filled week we've had eh, oh some might say it's a scar for life, but neigh it's a dramatic blip, a pimple, a blemish of no endurance, well not until some bugger really does get caught. What is cf on about, why, bringing the game into disrepute of course, and by God after 129 years of Test cricket it's actually happened - ‘Reg, Reg, they are actually nailing him up!' Reg pauses, deep in thought, ‘Right, this calls for an immediate meeting...' - Remember that?

Ok. Let's give you a quick run down of events; 18stone mauler Darrell Hair offered the English batsmen a change of ball at around 2.30 on the 4^th day of the 4^th Test at the Oval, which incidentally was a dead rubber game, but one which Pakistan were in control. Now, that tantamount's to nothing less than calling the Paki's cheats i.e. they tampered with the ball - don't tell me you're surprised - really?

Naturally Pakistan was miffed but allowed play to continue. However once tea had come and gone, and after it there was no show on the field from Pakistan things got interesting. Bob Woolmer explains, "The umpires came into our dressing rooms and Hair asked, ‘Are you going out?' Inzamam replied, ‘Why did you change the ball?' Hair said, ‘I'm not here to answer that." - Meow

Bob then turned to his players, "I asked every member, under oath, basically whether they had scratched the ball. To a man they said, ‘No.' I looked at the ball and I didn't see any evidence of tampering." - smell iffy yet?

After a lengthy, what the Pakistanis declare, protest, they (Pakistan) did come out of their dressing room ready to resume play - be it 30 minutes late, by which time Hair, or ‘mini Hitler' according to Imran Khan, had already removed the bails thus ending the game - Pakistan forfeits, England win.

We know that because David Lloyd was rummaging through every law book on the game, and as the PCB Chairman Shahmyir Khan said, "The captain and the boss feel insulted and resentful by the implication that they cheated." But after further chats with the ECB and the ICC, he said, "In accordance with the laws of cricket, the umpire correctly declared that Pakistan had forfeited the match and awarded it to England." - There's nowt like a good ole fashion law! Big mistake to protest, the one that went superbly wrong?

Or as Mike Gatting or ‘Fat Gat in the Hat', as he's now known to cf after our little chat at Old Trafford a while back thinks, "The umpires could have shown more leniency" Which is quite rich coming from him, but that's another story.

As it turns out Duncan Fletcher had been watching the game through binoculars, as you do, and was perhaps a little concerned that after 56 overs the ball did suddenly start to reverse spin, something it hadn't done all day! He alerted match ref Mike Proctor. Spokesman James Avery said, "We can confirm that Duncan Fletcher did visit the match referee on Sunday, but he made no specific complaint about the ball." - The gravy thickens.

There were 26 cameras at the Oval that day and practically every second was recorded. The hearing is on Friday. Inzy's sure to get nailed for bringing the game into disrepute for not resuming play, 30 minutes is a tad long for a protest, you must agree. But will he get nailed for cheating. You can kiss goodbye to the Twenty20 on Monday and the subsequent ODI's and their £5m revenue if he does. But is the Hair worried? The fuck is he. He doesn't mind his picture being burnt by children in the streets of Islamabad, he's adamant he's got something up his sleeve that the Paki's aren't expecting and quite ironically whatever's up there could've been what one ‘scratcher' used?

In fact I'll leave this, perhaps lengthier cricket blip than usual this week, with Darrel's comments, "If other people have issues they want to use to force me out, it will be an interesting battle. The criticisms have been hot. That surprises me. But life goes on, nobody died." - Yet!

And just when you thought you'd had the length if not the line, Darren Gough is or maybe back in action for England, after a year's absence - if the Pakistani's don't go home. And the Aussies are booting up for the Ashes with a bout of boot camp in Queensland's Beerwah State Forest (great name) see, who said it wasn't a tough life being a cricketer?

Right, let's have a look at the quicks: Watchdogs OFcom have told Hanna Barbera to distinguish all the scenes where characters, such as Tom and Jerry, The Flintstones et al, are smoking. In fact 1,700 images have to be manually erased. Now, even anti smoking group ‘ASH' said that was ‘a bit excessive.' And went on to say, "We didn't want to re-write history." - Too late ya killjoys.

A European moon landing thing called Smart 1 is to land on our Moon on Sept 3^rd. Boffs want to test the theory that a planet the size of Mars hit Earth - creating our Moon. Care?

The South American Odontomachus Bauri type of ant can snap its jaws at 145mph - pha, has it seen cf's missus?

Is the parrot as fast

Brit sprinter Mark Lewis Francis, 24, escaped a life long Olympic ban after the cannabis found in his body during a drug test last March was said to come from secondary smoke whilst he was in Madrid. - Quick, everyone off to Madrid.

Sir Mick Jagger, 63 is not happy that he isn't playing a gig at the new Wembley, but instead has to play at Twickenham, he said, "Wembley will be finished in time for the Arctic Monkey's farewell tour." - Stick to pouting, prancing and rocking Mick.

you work it out

Doc Les Harbridges from Aberdeen University got folk from across England to tell the same joke to 4000 people to find who had the funniest accent. It turns out the Brummies are with 20.8% then the Scousers on 15.8% followed by the Geordies on 14.3%. Doc Les said these were also the least intelligent and said, "Perceived stupidity and amusement value go hand in hand."

Ok, Paramount studios want no more wacky Tom Cruise and his ever increasing madness. They've told him he's a nice guy, a great actor but no longer want to employ him. A spokesman said, "His recent conduct has not been acceptable." Not so long ago he was jumping up and down on Opra's sofa shouting about how much he loves Katie Holmes. His Scientology mates aren't too happy with him either, they said, "Many members don't want him going around spouting off all of his mad stuff. They think it is putting people off Scientology." - Oh dear what a shame never mind.

bye Tom

25 year old Kelly Brook has the body of the decade. Iconic figures of the last six decades according lingerie company La Senza are; Marilyn Monroe (50's), Twiggy (60's), Farah Fawcett (70's), Elle Macpherson (80's) and Kate Moss (90's). Someone from la Senza firm said, "Women can be sexy whether voluptuous like Marilyn or slim like Twiggy or Kate." - Who would be in your iconic list?

Twiggy

Ok, lastly Osama Bin Laden desperately wants sex with Whitney Houston! Kola Boof is a Sudanese woman who was raped by Laden when she was kept as a sex slave for 4 months in a hotel in Morocco in 1996. She said Osama described her as, ‘most beautiful.' And, "He said he had a paramount desire for Whitney although he claimed music was evil." Well, surely it is. Anyway, poor old Kola now lives in L.A and she's writing a book about it all, and Osama is starring as Tom Cruise in a remake of ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.'