productions presents

That was the week weren't it:

Great Adventures with fool and 'Fullstop'

The scene: It's 1942 somewhere in a blacked out room in wartime Blighty. Enid Blyton (children's favourite adventure author) is drunk on bootlegged black market whisky she bought (did a favour!) from Tommy O'Sure's distillery in Fudgers Lane. She's penning her next tale, about the Famous Five capturing a bunch of wartime London evacuees who live at Mrs. Wobblebottom's fat farm (she grows fat). They are tunnelling under their next door neighbours, Mrs Phillip's, garden to steal her root vegetables, when they find not all is what it seems.

Somewhere in the countryside of South Wales:

Pippa: Right fool and you Fallsop (or 'Fullstop', as he was more commonly known back in the smoke) here's the plan: I'll be lookout and team leader and will operate from this fat patch here, whilst pretending to play with Frank the rabbit here (holds up a very scared rabbit). Fom now on I'll only be known as Majorie Welshrarebit. You fool will be known as private Gunner fool, and you'll take point in this expedition. You 'Fullstop' will take the rear and will be from now on known as private Gunner Reah. Did you catch that? (She smirks at 'Fullstop', who was idly busy picking his nose - not easy to be idle and busy at the same time. Anyway, he didn't get it, but probably will on VD Day!)

fool: How come I don't get to get a new name?

Pippa: Don't fuck with me fool (She blurts suddenly, switching from stroking Frank with one hand as it lay in her lap, Blofeld style, to squeezing the neck of the fluffy fur ball until its wide eyes plead helplessly at fool)

fool: Private Gunner ffffool's good. (he stutters, trembling in reply)

Pippa: Good. Now, here's the squeeze: In this row here are the oven chips, I should think they'll be the thick and chunky ones, this row here are the chicken nuggets, breadcrumb coated of course, and this row are baked beans in a richly fermented tomato sauce. This last row holds a gigantic strawberry. (She instructs drawing in the mud a layout of Mrs Phillips vegetable garden next door - Pippa was always ahead of her time). We go in here under Tom, Dick then Harry then come back this way to cover our tracks. Any questions (Doesn't wait for an answer) Good, then let's go.

'Fullstop': How are we gonna leave tracks if we're tunnelling?

Pippa: Do I have to explain everything twice you snivelling piece of shit, your job is to disperse the mud behind fool, collect the bunty and follow my orders shitbag, do you get it? (she screams, as her grip tightens and one of Franks eyes pops out. At which point fool has shat himself and has already tunnelled to the fence!)

Mrs Wobblebottom:  (steps out of her back door) Ere what's all this noise? (she hails in deepest darkest Welsh)

Mrs Phillips: (too is alerted and scans the commotion then walks over to the mound of earth slowly burrowing under her vegetable patch) Hey what's that wriggling under my tatty's..a bloody German mole no doubt (She picks up a spade and proceeds to whack the  Bosh pest/spy/thief.)

fool: (pops up his battered head) Faaahk, don't fall foul of the fool Phillip's, it was that fop Phillipa's idea, personally I fink she is a fella, a funny fella too, also I fink she's one fifth of the Famous Five and 'as set up the 'ole fing.

'Fullstop' Too right fool (he says as he pops out from the chips (Tom) tunnel holding Tom's head) here's anuver one.

Up pop Dick and Harry from the other two, as named, tunnels shrugging their shoulders!

Mrs. Phillips: That's right fool, that she is, that she is and that they are, and I be too, the fifth Famous Five that is, and you lot are in the way of our black market food scam. So you're just going to have to jolly well disappear, aren't you (she pompously snarls as she raises the spade once more in order to deliver a final blow)

Narrator: What will happen to fool and his old cocker Gunner Reah - are they mincemeat? Will Mrs. Wobblebottom save them or will she suffer the same fat? And what about Frank, the now one eyed rabbit, is he toast! - Groan.

Tune in next week for more adventures of fool and 'Fullstop'

fool; lovely job Narrator.

Narrator: Thanks very much fool, you weren't so bad yourself. Fancy a pint?

fool: Yeah.

Narrator: Role the quiz.

mrs. wobblebottom

1. What are the names of Enid Blyton's Famous Five?

2. What birthstone is linked to June?

3. How is a footpath indicated on a map?

4. Who built the aircraft which dropped the bomb on Hiroshima?

5. What material is used to make a sumo wrestling ring?

6. What is the modern name for the country Asia Minor?

7. The state of Louisiana in the US was originally named in the honour of who?

8. What is the second full moon in a month called? A) Blue Moon B) Werewolves Moon C) Second Moon

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - and don't forget, you can contact fool direct on the contacts page above or do it manually, in your free time, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I?   Having no further excuse to be back on course for 2008's season of our mystery person than the mystery itself. The Legal Eagle needed only half a dozen stabs before he too fell short of what has become the lofty hurdle of Stumpedsville. So as this week's clue takes up an unprecedented position of week three, with the Dracule fella ahead 1-0 so far, here's a reminder of the first two clues to WHI? 2: Clue Number 1: "A writer of unforeseen accounts my exoticness is enjoyed by all generations." Clue No.2, "A certain Jonny Foreigner recently flouted some of my, shall we say more famous of scribbles, onto the big screen about, hmmm, was it a rolling stone!" And with just enough time for a little more to chew here's clue No. 3, ...Screech...hold the front page...Dracule has just phoned in a with a very late and I must say correct answer in the fold of Roald Dahl. So that puts him up another notch and cruising comfortably ahead of the Eagle. Also there's no need for clue No. 3 so we'll move staraight on ahead to clue No.1 "I oft just sit in a tree and smoke."

Scores at the end of week 3.

Dracule: 2

Legal Eagle: 0

Others: zip

is it me?

*Non-descript trivia moment*

Cotton Measures

1 thread...54 inches

1 skein...80 threads

1 hank...7 skeins

1 spindle...18 hanks

fool's Gold

• The working title of Bleak House was "The Solitary House That Was Always Shut Up".

• There's only one word in the English language with one vowel which occurs six times: indivisibility

• All the planets in our solar system rotate anticlockwise except Venus

Dr. Phil O'logy, our Wordman's word of the week:

Our word of the week is MERKIN

A merkin (first use, circa 1617) is a pubic wig, originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia to eliminate lice or to disguise the marks of syphilis. There are many different ways of wearing a merkin, although most involve placing the merkin on the vulva or the scrotum.

Thanks Dr. Phil.

And now, those who can only afford the bus please step aside for cfn's brave, brave, brave sponsors...

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Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy. P.s. Can't wait for the new recipe book too!

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh The new year - cometh the January meat tray: packed with goodies galore this one - Definitely gonna need a bigger gravy boat!'  But guess what? This week I had my steak with salad.*classifieds.

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye - look out for their superb long-lunch deals - they're long, lunchy and superb!

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*classifieds - something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger; and more of those AFL bits from the off season

*Trigger Will do his darnedest to keep you in the wonga.

cf's new radio show: - New buttons to play with this week - use the horizontal scroll bar for start, pause, rewind, ff, and the volume variety - yeeha. Bare with us, it was the first one! Next show out in March - recorded in February - thought of - never - hold on to your fat.

*Tit-bits -  I love my job...Shit...and A couple...

*Grub-Up - at last, we have a new menu, and it was going to be soup, well it still is, but it's bloody hot here in Nam, so I'm going back to me olde favourite Gazpacho soup or as me old mate Digger says, Gestapo soup. Either way it's pretty good and taken from one of fool's book's mentioned in his book club - can you guess which one? - Get some down yer, it's good for yer.

Poetry Corner: Reliving my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment - try a slice of Roger's theme...

*Fishman - It's fish season down on the Island so give him a call - for more details click on his logo - *On The Pond.

And *Bongo Massif Bro's - Are booked for a jam session on crazy fool's radio show in March - don't miss it.

Mr. Meaner... You may be just mad about Saffron pal, but it's cutting no ice with me...now let's 'av it...

But now folks it's ruggerflyby; and just what did happen this week?

Heineken Cup teams wrangled themselves into the quarters. Super 14's are gearing up. And the RBS Six Nations is but two weeks away!

And how long does it take a white board marker to wear down to a presentable fat font as opposed to that skinny scrawl when freshly opened? - Eh...shut-up!

English clubs have three remaining sides with home advantage in the quarter finals on 4^th, 5^th and 6^th April - that's around April time for those hard of hearing!

The eight to contend will be: Saracens v Ospreys/ London Irish v Perpignan/ Gloucester v Munster and the fourth tie, Toulouse v Cardiff Blues.

fool will share this with you right now - Toulouse are hot favourites - not to lose but to win...the whole thing.

But let's recap some of last week's games...in this order:

Ospreys bt Borgoin 28 - 21 in the Stade Pierre Rajon (India!) and recorded their first ever win in France.

They meant business and fielded a full 15 Test experienced side, with Sonny 'Jazz' Parker the Welsh ex All Black playing a cracking game in defence in the centre.

It's the first time Ospreys have made the quarters and assistant coach Sean Holly remarked, "Making the quarters has been a Holy Grail for us. It's a hell of an achievement in the short space of time since we've become a region." - region or religion?

Leicester may have beaten Leinster 25 - 19 and played a very watchable game but alas neither team made it to the finals - so get off my page.

Over in Gloucester-land the Cherries beat the Ulster men 29 - 21 and thoroughly deserve their home tie with Munster. - Huge, huge, just gonna be huge that game - will come back to that.

Gloucester had their 6ft 2, 18st Tongan born Kiwi ex UK Bradford Bulls league player for six years, now in the England RBS Six Nations squad back following the death of his father in Kiwiland. - Get all that? Good.

Lesly 'Volcano' Vainikolo, as is his name, had a belter on the wing, as did Tindall in the centre and Simpson-Daniel on the other chicken...wing.

Lesley (girls name!) said after, "Gloucester have given me the light to go through the dark door I had to enter. The Vainikolo spirit is strong in the family and is up there now with my father." - The Ulster men must have wondered what hit them.

Just down a bit, at least I think it is, Bristol went buckled to the Cardiff Blues 0 - 17. On a very wet and windy West Coast where the ref told a very normally chirpy Mark Regan, "I'll referee this on my own today." - Which was nice.

Bristol boss Richard Hill confirms his side were well beaten by a very good Cardiff side, but then warned them of their possible pitfall ahead, "Toulouse are a very good side with a multitude of attacking threats. It will be the best win in Cardiff's history if they get that."

Toulouse are indeed a very good side and smashed Edinburgh 34 - 10 at the Stade Ernest-Wallon - seriously, Ernest-Wallon, are they pulling fool's chain? Perhaps not but pulling the strings in that 5-3 try hiding were stars such as Elissalde, Florian Fritz and old rubber lips himself Vincent Clerc.

London Irish beat Benneton Trevisio 24 - 11  with some comfort if not a basic tough nuggety struggle. Brian Smith the ex Wallaby fly half in charge of the 'Irish' was pleased with Man of the Match effort by England scrum half Peter Richards (now out for 3 months with a torn bicep), as well as philosophical about the Perpignan encounter in April, "We will probably start as the underdogs, but that's the way we like it and will look forward to build from here." - All the Irish are builders.

Onto what was billed as the game of the Cup so far, the piece de resistance, the chef-d'oeuvre, the Jewel in the Crown - the group of death outcome at Thomond Park and Munster did it over Wasps 17 - 3 - piece of piss!

Of course, a piece of piss...not. In the wind and rain O'Gara dominated proceedings with his highly tactical boot. That and Donncha O'Callaghan stealing no less that seven lineouts - yep seven.

The quarters finalists and not the winners of this game still went down to the wire even when Dennis Leamy touched down late in the game. O'Gara slotted the touchline conversion then moments later a penalty that destroyed any Wasps losing bonus point for a last eight place.

And lastly Stade Francais, the wearers of pink, left their win 31 - 10 over Harlequins too low, as they really needed the bonus point to go through as best runners up, instead that accolade went to Perpignan and Ospreys.

Over in the European Challenge Cup all four home quarters are English clubs, with this line up also on 4^th, 5^th and 6^th April: Worcester v Montpellier/ Sale Sharks v Brive/ Newcastle v Castres and Bath v Leeds.

Which all means the RBS Six Nations should look fun and at this stage you'd be a fool not putting your money on England - heard that before?

The tournament is only two weeks away and England, judging by its clubs are in a healthy position, with also a HUGE amount of young talent coming through too ...'xcuse me...coming through.

Danny Cipriani 20, is one of them and Warren Gatland says he'll be bigger than Dallas...and Jonny! Danny is a little more modest, "Jonny has changed the face of rugby by himself. If I can learn from Jonny, that will help me." - Let's just put things into perspective of what a star Sgt. Wilko really is - he made his debut back in '98' when he was 18!

Meanwhile the dark horses of the tournament are and as always the French. They have a new coach in Marc Lievrement and skipper in Lionel Nallet.

Scottish lock who plays down in Perpignan is in a quandary as to how they'll come out against the Scots in Murrayfield, "I don't think you can really determine what is going to happen. They (players) don't hear anything until the week before and then they just rock up and play. It could go either way. I don't think they are going to play solidly. They are either going to play really, really well or not very well at all." - Exactly the same thing everyone says about the French all the time but in different words.

Ok, in the Super 14's build up coach Laurie Fisher is a little stuck for a fly half at Brumbies since Larkham left for the Japanese outfit, Ricoh Black Rams - what!

He's got a couple of rookie contractors in schoolboy leaver Matt Toomua or a little older fella in Christain Lealiifano, but is almost certainly going to stick fullback Julian Huxley in there come their opener versus Crusaders on 15^th February.

Whilst Wallaby's new coach and Crusaders current coach Robbie Deans has come up with a cunning plan for his national selection come his first game in charge against the Irish on 14^th June - he's got the rest of the Super 14 coaches to keep an eye out for him.

He explains, "I observe as I do in Super Rugby and I have connections (as ways of getting info on the players), but the most obvious are the Super Rugby coaches." - Thank you Robbie.

Joe 'I should' Rocokokokokokoko is shit! He scored no tries for the Blues in their 2007 S14 campaign and only 16 in 43 matches since 2003...shit! Although he's notched 43 for the All Black's he admits his S14 game is not up to scratch, "I still don't believe I've made a name for myself in the S14." - Yes you have...it's Shit!

Meanwhile; who's this: Jimmy Cowan? ...He's the All Black scrum half! And he'll be leading the Highlanders out against the Chiefs in their warm-up at Invarcagill on Saturday.

Also Bryan Habana has lifted the lid on the rumours of him moving to French outfit Bayonne for 400k Euros a year, "I did not make any offers and I did not negotiate with them." - Lying little bastard.

Steve Borthwick 28 will move to Saracens next year for a £800k 4 year deal. The 32 capped England lock will team up with ex All Black Chris 'he's got the' Jack. Not a bad pairing.

And lastly 33 year-old Serge Betson has officially retired after 63 caps and 9 tries for France. The awesome flank had a retireeeeee dinner at his old club in Clichy-la-Garenne - just wanted to say the name. Plus the fact that he was called 'La Faucheusse' - The Grim Reaper.

 John Smit's bloody on going films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV - : Will be finished in 2008!

• 15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool's thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. 1.

Other results:

Some Heineken Cups: Biarritz 25 - 16 Viadana/ Clermont Auvergne 41 - 0 Llanelli Scarletts/ Perpignan 25 - 0 Dragons/ Saracens 21 - 17 Glasgow Warriors

Some Internationals: Nicht

England EDF Trophy: nein

England Nat, 1: Esher 15 - 13 Sedgley Park

France; Pro D2 11eme: Grenoble 12 - 3 La Rochelle

France Top 14: pa!

Ireland's AIL level 1;   Dungannon 25 - 18 Shannon

Italy; Siera A XIII: zippo

Japan Top League: NEC Green Rockets 33 - 21 Toshiba Brave Lupus

Scotland's premiership: Watsonions 29 - 24 Stirling County

Netherlands: REL 13 - 13 Oisterwijk Oysters

Spain's Div D Honour 10:   Burin Pozuelo Boadilla 29 - 17 Cajasol Ciencias

Wales Prem: Swansea 18 - 15 Newport

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Australia lost the third Test against India at Perth and Stuart Clark said it was a bitter Heath Ledger to swallow.

They fell 72 short of the 413 target thus missed out on a record 17 consecutive Test wins, Stuart grumbled, "It was my first Test match loss and it hurts massively."

He harped further, "Any time you lose, whether it's a game of cricket or tiddly-winks, it is disappointing. We sat down, had a beer and will try to make sure it doesn't happen again." - He then went out to bowl his 7 year-old son out in the back garden.

Ex skipper Sourav 'Ging' Ganguly reckons they've got the Aussies on the ropes, "Australia is still the No.1 team in the world but I think we have a very good team that could be number one."

"We have a side that has played better against Australia than any other side in the world, which is a good sign for us." - Not while your head is in Youranus is it a good sign.

Next Test starts today in Adelaide, which ground was formed in 1873. It has two ends: the City End and the Cathedral End - see if you can spot them on the telly. In the 32/33 Bodyline series mounted police had to keep 50,000 spectators in order, now it only holds 32,000.

Hussey says of it, "It's almost my favourite ground. Any batsman is going to find it tough, but I don't think it will swing as much in Adelaide (as in Perth)." - Perth Aus not Scotland - they all swing up there.

Chris Gayle has left the 5 match ODI series in S.A. With a bad thumb and hammy, he said, "We will be hosting two top teams, Sri Lanka and Australia, in the coming months and I definitely want to be 100 per cent fir for those matches. So leaving the tour is the most logical step at this stage." - Splitter.

Pakistan beat Zimbabwe by 104 runs in their first ODI in Karachi (wax on wax off). The Paki's posted 348 with 5 batsmen going past 50 including débutante Nasir Jamshed - that's a house in the back garden where you play music isn't it!

Anyway Jamshed was out after looping a shot from Charma Chibhabha that curled to Matsikenyeri at long off!!! - I can't go on.

Ok, lastly, an exclusive: Stresco is thinking of a comeback, and his old mate Ashly Giles has revealed, "He has to make sure he's ready before he puts his name up there for selection."

Sensational, it doesn't get any bigger than that, superb ...eh...yeah...what...yeah...put me down for two...no mustard!

Till next week...

Other sports:

Guess what? Got nothing again - can't be arsed with boring tennis - I'll fill the filler with a saucy pic again.

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

The worlds hairiest man is Chinese, well he'd have to be, they invented the stuff. Anyway, Ya Zhenhuan 29 has joined an online dating agency and he's dead straight with  his, well, customers? "I am being honest with my partners - I tell them from the start that I am listed in the Guinness Book of Records as being the hairiest man in the world." - Way to go Ya, you tell em.

He goes on to say, "I have 96.5% of my body covered in hair, and people I went out with didn't take time to get to know me." - 'he's a nice bloke, nice and hairy.' - I'd show you a picture but that's just cruel, I'll just let the said words take the piss out of him instead, while you ogle at this lovely picture:

They've found an ape-man type thing on Mars. Is it Ya I wonder?. NASA Mars explorer Spirit took photos of it four years ago. An amateur astronomer said, "As far as I'm concerned this is proof. What else could it be but a human like creature?" - The experts say rocks!

Francis Cook, no relation to James, is Britain's oldest convicted drug dealer at 79! 'Snowy' as he's known to friends, got five years when he was nicked with 1kg of cocaine in his van. Back at his bungalow in Fareham, Hants the fuzz found £120k worth of amphetamines, cannabis and ecstasy.

Frank's not new to the game and was hauled before the beak in '88' after a £2m cannabis import deal went tits up. He's already done 15 years in the slammer for various misdemeanour's you'd think he would have known better than to courier gear for a drug dealer up in London for £600 a pop.

Judge Gareth Cowling surmised, "It's a sad day when a judge has to sentence a man just short of his 80^th birthday for drug trafficking." - Sad for Frank!

cf's book club (own page come week 10...maybe)

Continues to grow by a book a week!

And until it gets its own page, here's week's 1 - 7:

Starting with Week 2: Mark Hadden's - The Curious Incident With The Dog  in the night-time a rather curious tale about a demented kid! - rating: 4.

Week 1 (Confused now eh!) Ben Elton's; The First Casualty - If a word can paint a thousand pictures then Telly Savalas should have written this - rated in at 5.

For a number three spot on the board this week, fool is going to throw in The Essential Dave Allen; edited by Graham McCann - rated at 3 and curiously enough 4.

And in at No.4: Martin Johnson's autobiography; Good read, but I tell you what, it's all about 'me, me, me', 'I did this.' And, 'I did that...' - rating 4.

Week 5: The General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious PIRATES by Captain Charles Johnson - arghhh, a number 3.

In at week No.6 I'm going to add The Cortigo Romero Book of Recipes - to find out more click on Bootlace Holidays link on the right.- rating:3

Week 7: Forgotten Voices of the Great War by Max Arthur...a poignant tale of historical value told by dems dat were dere. Rated at a 4.

Week 8: Ben Elton's (again) Dead Famous - Wind yourself up to some non-credit wankers whom Ben manages to pin point with accurate precision. Particularly love the bitch character Geraldine Hennessey. Rated at 5.

Week 9: Horrible Histories; Rotten Romans - fantastic series for kids of all ages. Written by Terry Deary and illustrated by Matthew Brown...I think. Rated at 3

The Ratings go as thus:

• 1. Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XVIII: Let's go back to the Altamont free concert of December 1969, the one where the Hells Angels run amock amidst the dimly lit  guise of acting as security for the place, carrying on with such leisurely past times as fighting, looting and well, killing. This time Mick Jagger explains what happened when they (Stones) broke into Sympathy for the Devil; "Something always happens when we get into this number. This time it's a nude chick who is freaking out in the front row. Six Angels jumps on her; 'Now fellas, I'm sure it doesn't take all of you to take care of this.'" He squeals in his best camp voice.

The aeroplane on flight BA38 lost all power and avionics as it prepared to land at London's Heathrow. From 600 metres out there was nothing, no warning and the co-pilot had to just glide in the beast, whilst the proper pilot had a cup of tea apparently.

An airport worker who watched the plane skid off the runway and onto the grass on its belly as it lost its undercarriage said, "It's a miracle. The man deserves a medal as big as a frying pan. He has done a fantastic job." - I don't think they found a medal that big so just gave him a frying pan. Which reminds me, I saw on telly the other day two big Swedes, literally, rolling up frying pans with their hands. One got it scrunched down to about 23 inches, which was still short of the record!

Incidentally, this plane, which was coming in from Beijing China, just missed the perimeter road that Gordon 'texture like sun' Brown's convoy was on, heading into Heathrow, to board their flight to Beijing China. Which by fool's deduction means there is a flight in and out China to London at least once a day.

no pics of planes

If women get 5 hours or less sleep a night they are 30% more likely to put on 2st over 16 years!

A US court has overturned a £750k verdict awarded to a woman called Janet Orlando after she filed for sexual harassment and sex battery - she was 'spanked' during a team building exercise at her firm Security Alarm One Inc.

Apparently the jury were not given all the details, being that both men and women were spanked not just the women. Her lawyer Nicolas 'Butch' Wagner said after the first hearing, "We may get more this time." However, defence lawyer K. Poncho Baker, after noticing the firm has since gone bankrupt and their insurance nearly exhausted, quipped, "Good luck retrying this one." - Love the names.

The team building exercises were games where sales teams would pitch against others and the losers were spanked with rival firms yardsticks, had pies thrown at them, were force fed baby food and had to wear nappies. This practise has since been abandoned. - Why?

Over 55's are healthier than the young-uns these days. They suffer less from flu and anxiety and don't eat so many ready meals, binge drink or go everywhere by car. They also exercise more. - That's it, I'm gonna be 55.

but the eyes start to go

Australian born Heath Ledger is dead at the ripe old age of 28. Bloke Down the Pub says A Knights Tale was one of...or is one of his favourite films.- What's your favourite film? fool's is Zulu, but he can't get it in Saigon - anyone out there want to send a copy...please? - yes, Brian I know you sent it a couple of years ago, but its lost!

The duck-billed platypuses is the oldest mammal on the planet at 112m years old.

big phone bill bit of puss

The smallest dog in the world is no bigger than a beer can, measuring 6 inches from nose to tail. It can't even bark. Yes, it's a Chihuahua and female. It had to live for at least three years to get the record and it hasn't grown.

big head

Shoes were invented 40,000 years ago, probably by the Chinese...yep, China. A skeleton was found near Beijing and the toes and bone structure are conducive to shoe wearing. Boff Erik Trinkaus and Hong Shang from Washington University in Missouri - ugh! Stated, "Modern shoe wearing Americans (Yanks) have wimpy little toes. Barefoot native Americans (Red Indians) have strong large toes. Shoe wearing Inuits (Eskimos) have somewhere in between." - So, there you have it.

Peter Kay's corner (Very Cooper-esque): I went to a restaurant that serves, 'breakfast at any time', So I ordered French Toast during the renaissance.

Right, I've just got too much news here, so I'll save some for next week and leave you with this story about a gang of crooks in Sweden; who are stuffing dwarves into sports bags then sending them off in the hold of long-distance coach trips. They rob blind the other passengers by filtering through their luggage - pure genius. Sales manager Ingvor Ryggasjo of Swebus said, "We think that it is, a short, young, person, dwarves or perhaps children." - I'm just stunned, I think it's absolutely brilliant.

Mind how you go.

just cf it

cf